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  • #31
    I would like to comment on that issue. I don't believe that someone who is living a hellish nightmare is a danger to you or your children. It just seems to me that he has been victimized and needs someone to acknowledge that for him. Poor man . You should be a little more compassionate , that would go a long way.

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    • #32
      How has he been "victimized?" A request for an adjustment to child support was made (which has not been adjusted in over three years). Most reasonable people are able to do this on annual basis without having to resort to court.

      We are responsible for the decisions we make. "He" chose to litigate on matters that should never have gone to court in the first place. He was only hit by cost orders after "he" refused to consider any offers to settle (several were made).

      We are also responsible for our mental health. If we are unable to manage, we acknowledge it and seek support. We certainly do not start firing off emotional and harassing emails to the other parent.
      Last edited by Nadia; 11-25-2012, 06:58 PM.

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      • #33
        Originally posted by xena0025 View Post
        I would like to comment on that issue. I don't believe that someone who is living a hellish nightmare is a danger to you or your children. It just seems to me that he has been victimized and needs someone to acknowledge that for him. Poor man . You should be a little more compassionate , that would go a long way.
        Hellish nightmare?He was given every opportunity to be reasonable and settle out of court but chose to fight instead, and now is worthy of sympathy?Bull.He made the bed -let him lie in it.The only person who would call him a victim is either dodging child support or dating a dodger.

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        • #34
          Sorry to rub you the wrong way. I merely wanted to say that this man obviously has an emotional injury. He should seek a pychologist to help him cope with his losses. It is more useful to use logic to deal with problems not mud slinging. I am neither of the two you described. I am not looking for a fight. Just use my head to figure things out instead of my emotions.

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          • #35
            But do please try and explain how you reached the conclusion that he has been victimized?

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            • #36
              Using ones head ...would involve looking at the pattern of conflict this man has kept for a number of years.Then coming to the logical conclusion that he is in fact an ass, and should be in therapy to deal with his control and anger issues.A victim of his own ego perhaps but a actual victim?Not a chance. Not unless you were a fellow CS dodger, could you sympathise with such an individual.Who clearly, does not have the children's best interests at heart.The idea that blowing the money on lawyers is preferable to a person, than spending on the child's welfare ....speaks volumes.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by xena0025 View Post
                Sorry to rub you the wrong way.
                Originally posted by xena0025 View Post
                I am not looking for a fight.
                Lucy Lawless, princess warrior, says:

                Showing up on a message board and assuming you rub a regular poster the wrong way and then assuming the same poster is looking for a fight is very Trolly McTrollish.

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                • #38
                  For all those posters who jump on a payor's back if they "dare" complain about paying CS...

                  -I strongly believe the vast majority of parents/payors are more than happy to ensure that the children are taken care of financially

                  -for CS payments of say $500 per month per child or under ; CS amounts are likely within reason.

                  HOWEVER, at significantly larger amounts (keep in mind the payor has to be this amount AFTER tax which of course for higher wage earners means they have to gross close to $2 to pay $1 to CS recipient) the amount of CS is arguably excessive. Really, does a 5 year old need thousands of dollars a month (more than most adults are lucky to earn )

                  -there is also an assumption that the recipient is selfless and pays all of the CS on the child (yes, I know there are "general "expenses like rent, utilities, etc.).

                  -in effect, very large CS payments, given that there is next to ZERO accountability on how the "CS" is spent by the recipient, in "some" cases its effectively "parent support". It would be nice if for large CS amounts, at least SOME of it was MANDATED to be put away for the child's future education. But of course, I guess making sure the child actually benefits would make too much common sense.

                  My point is, don't be so quick to dump on a CS payor who sees money "for the children" being spent foolishly by the recipient for their own benefit and NOT the child. Not every CS recipient parent is prudent with those funds. I'm not saying this is the rule, but surely no one here would argue that there are not cases where "child support" funds are blown on poor spending by the recipient payor with no benefit to the child.

                  Wouldn't it be nice if the person who actually works for and earns the "child support" had some say in how the child would benefit from such funds ? A dream only I know.....

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                  • #39
                    I would like to comment on that issue. I don't believe that someone who is living a hellish nightmare is a danger to you or your children. It just seems to me that he has been victimized and needs someone to acknowledge that for him. Poor man . You should be a little more compassionate , that would go a long way.
                    I've seen a lot of people going through high-conflicted divorces who ramp up conflict then claim that they're the victim.

                    My own ex is a prime example. Its all my fault that he's choosing the most difficult divorce path possible even though if you take a look at any of our court filing, he's clearly the aggressor.

                    That being said, I do agree with you on one point...I think its in everyone's interest to try to find some semblance of peace and order, if possible...even if the other person is being a jerkwad.

                    I bite my tongue (or fingers, since I only communicate via email) a lot. Truthfully, my ex doesn't always earn the right to be treated with courtesy and civility but since I had a child with him...I suck it up and do it anyway. In the end, its helping to make things more calm...even though its taken a while.

                    Not everyone can do it though..some exes are literally mental or so angry and bitter, they're impossible to deal with. They can't put the kids needs in front of their own.

                    Any party going through a high conflict divorce should have to attend mandatory mental health sessions. They really should have a dedicated office in every court house staffed by counsellors.
                    I have to disagree with this. I hate "mandatory" anything. Through divorce I've had to suffer with enough violations of my right to privacy. My ex running around town telling bullcrap to anyone that would listen, an intrusive and lengthy custody evaluation (complete with psychiatric tests), affidavits put forth which discussed everything from my phone habits to number of hours I exercise.

                    I never needed counselling. I just needed to get away from my ex. My 1.5 year separation was a nightmare. I truly wish they would do something to fix the system so that separating spouses could get away from each other without losing their children or assets. In my opinion, these types of separations are a horrific experience for everyone involved and severely ramp-up divorce conflict.

                    There's a lot of people who handle divorce extremely well and don't attempt to escalate conflict.

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                    • #40
                      Originally posted by hadenough View Post
                      The fact is, people can hide things and often do. Pre-marital counseling might be of some benefit to some, but unless there is intensive psychoanalysis, there's not likely to be any stunning revelations made that would put up the big red flag that some of us missed when we met our (now) ex's. I missed the red flag and the freak flag.

                      A lot of these ppl are inherently crafty and manipulative and can easily pass for 'normal.' It takes a long time to truly get to know someone (imo) and sometimes we never 'really' know them. Here's an example: I had clients years ago that I dealt with on a daily basis, and for several years. I just saw an expose about them on W5 recently. It was beyond shocking, to say the least.
                      I completely agree. This strikes a cord and its exactly the kind of person I deal with. Someone can look u in the eye and lie after catching them red handed!
                      It's insane stuff! Or spin such a web that they come to believe it?
                      I wouldn't believe it was possible. Looking at my charming successful ex, I wouldn't believe it myself! It's split personality when ur alone and they don't have an audience.
                      Sociopath, narcissistic, pathological liar, u start trying to look for a diagnosis of their illness just to make sense!

                      I'm just happy to be away and hope I don't catch his attention. As long as he is focused elsewhere and the tick tock is counting down to actual freedom.
                      Im just on here trying to find clues on how to navigate and stay under the radar.
                      It's pretty scary Becuase I can't compete with mr success, who says the right things. I'm a yapper, immigrant background and hand talker.
                      I have my trunk prepared for an escape if he ever snaps over court, money and his son. I refuse to let him control me.
                      The language he uses is He didnt "authorize" Or give me "permission" then throw in jumping the hoops for 2 bucks for timmies!
                      I rather be poor then deal or sleep with that!

                      How does that even happen? Believe me i sat there tryinbg to figure what i did wrong.
                      How can I even imagine dating again without doing a background check, criminal child abuse check, check the old medicine cabinet and watch watch watch for the little signs.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                        I've seen a lot of people going through high-conflicted divorces who ramp up conflict then claim that they're the victim.

                        My own ex is a prime example. Its all my fault that he's choosing the most difficult divorce path possible even though if you take a look at any of our court filing, he's clearly the aggressor.

                        That being said, I do agree with you on one point...I think its in everyone's interest to try to find some semblance of peace and order, if possible...even if the other person is being a jerkwad.

                        I bite my tongue (or fingers, since I only communicate via email) a lot. Truthfully, my ex doesn't always earn the right to be treated with courtesy and civility but since I had a child with him...I suck it up and do it anyway. In the end, its helping to make things more calm...even though its taken a while.

                        Not everyone can do it though..some exes are literally mental or so angry and bitter, they're impossible to deal with. They can't put the kids needs in front of their own.



                        I have to disagree with this. I hate "mandatory" anything. Through divorce I've had to suffer with enough violations of my right to privacy. My ex running around town telling bullcrap to anyone that would listen, an intrusive and lengthy custody evaluation (complete with psychiatric tests), affidavits put forth which discussed everything from my phone habits to number of hours I exercise.

                        I never needed counselling. I just needed to get away from my ex. My 1.5 year separation was a nightmare. I truly wish they would do something to fix the system so that separating spouses could get away from each other without losing their children or assets. In my opinion, these types of separations are a horrific experience for everyone involved and severely ramp-up divorce conflict.

                        There's a lot of people who handle divorce extremely well and don't attempt to escalate conflict.
                        There's much in your post that strikes a cord with me PH. My stbx is also being very contentious and litigious. His lawyer is aiding an abetting this nonsense. We don't communicate in any way, except through our lawyers. We have adult children.

                        About the mandatory counselling...I liken it to the mandatory marriage license. Besides the benefits previously mentioned, it would save taxpayer dollars when you factor in the legal aid costs, and myriad others. The counselling would not be a heavy, lengthy in-depth matter. If the participants wanted more involved counselling, they would be required to pay for this themselves. If there were serious mental health issues, hopefully the counsellors would "catch" it, and referrals made to proper health authorities for further evaluations.

                        My abusive s(?) tbx also has been maliciously lying about me to whoever will listen, and it's a dreadful situation. He's sent letters out to my family and organizations saying I'm not at all well in mind and body. I recently learned he has recruited his brother(s) in his lying slanderous actions, and apparently even after a year is still at it. At times I feel like I'm in a living nightmare. He's lying about the assets and household items he took out of the home, among other matters, and has not provided confirmation of his bank accounts. I haven't lied about him to anyone, have been forthright about everything. I've been a good and faithful wife to him for over 40 years. The separation is 13 months now and I wonder when will this wretched limbo will end.

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                        • #42
                          I found a simple way to deal with this: I just don't believe a word that my ex says. IF you can keep your contact with your ex down to just meeting in the courtroom it is a whole lot easier. Let the lawyers deal with these losers.

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                          • #43
                            My abusive s(?) tbx also has been maliciously lying about me to whoever will listen, and it's a dreadful situation. He's sent letters out to my family and organizations saying I'm not at all well in mind and body. I recently learned he has recruited his brother(s) in his lying slanderous actions, and apparently even after a year is still at it. At times I feel like I'm in a living nightmare. He's lying about the assets and household items he took out of the home, among other matters, and has not provided confirmation of his bank accounts. I haven't lied about him to anyone, have been forthright about everything. I've been a good and faithful wife to him for over 40 years. The separation is 13 months now and I wonder when will this wretched limbo will end.
                            Caranna:

                            I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I wish I could give you some sage advice but I don't have any. I just got through it by ignoring it as best as I could and concentrating on my own life...and eventually things got better...no one can listen to someone ranting and raving for long before getting bored with it.

                            I'm also dealing with non-disclosure now too...my ex is trying to drag this out as long as possible.,..so I'm headed to start another motion this week. I'm almost 3 years in at this point with probably another year to go.

                            I hate the limbo too...I cannot wait to actually be divorced either. There's no doubt that this process takes too long...probably because so many high conflict litigants clog up the courts.

                            Best wishes to you...hang in there!

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                            • #44
                              If I had a nickel for every lie told about me (by my ex and his wife) I'd be a wealthy woman! It used to bother me a lot. I do not care anymore. I can't stop the drivel that comes out of his mouth. In due time, most people will catch on that he's completely full of crap. We must (as the targets of bullshit) teach ourselves to filter out the nonsense. There is simply no other option. You were in a very long marriage caranna, and I commend you for getting out of it. Better late than never. It takes a lot of guts to make a stand.

                              "Lies have speed, but the Truth has endurance." (I don't know who first said that but it wasn't me ) It is one of my personal favourites.

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                              • #45
                                PH and hadenough, thank you for your support. I am really sorry to hear that after such a long time both of you are still in this horrible process of finding legal and emotional closure.

                                Nadia, I apologize for taking over your thread...

                                I had to get out of the marriage or else it would get even worse. He abused me severely..physically, emotionally and verbally. He abused me continually. I hid his abuse from everyone, for a very long time.

                                Ironic isn't it.. I protected him for decades by not mentioning his abuse and lately he is trying to destroy my character by spreading lies.

                                I don't let him bother me as much any more. It still is a difficult process but I'm happier now and found a larger measure of peace.

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