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  • #16
    Originally posted by Tayken View Post
    I would further recommend you transcribe the entire voice message in the message. Don't summarize it. In fact, just transcribe it word-for-word.

    The one thing highly conflicted people are unable to deal with is the truthfulness of their own words and conduct. Don't censor it but, don't attack it. Just quote it and leave it as a statement of transcribed fact.

    It is amazing how people can not get to the business of parenting their children after separation and divorce and continue to try and re-live the failure of their adult relationship and seek "fault" with the other parent.

    Common statements that you should watch for:

    "my children"
    "your decision"
    "you did this"
    "you are mentally unstable"
    "you are the problem"
    "because of what you are doing the kids can't do x"
    "my children are in danger because you are mentally unstable/ill"

    These individuals can't often see their own abusive conduct by making the allegations. Furthermore, they can't see that it doesn't solve problems and only creates more. They are often unable to resolve problems.

    Common patterns to watch for is multiple residential moves, being fired for disagreements with their managers, multiple jobs and projections of blame that you some how are causing this to happen to them.

    These statements over time, which are clear projections of blame, often when dealing with highly conflicted people turn into multi-page affidavits, contempt motions and often unfortunately, telephone calls to the police or CAS.

    Highly conflicted people can't evaluate their own emotional state and often write incredibly histrionic statements of blame. They continually make you their lightning rod ("target of blame") for everything that they are not happy with in their life. Just as they do before the court, to anyone who will listen and often the police and CAS.

    Self-realization to one's emotional state is one of the major lacking features of highly conflicted people. This may because they constantly live in a state of anxious fear that something bad is going to happen to them. That everything is "all your fault". They often will even try to project that you have some "magical" ability to control others not thinking about how their own conduct, statements and false allegations.

    Many highly conflicted people want the court to "believe" them... To validate their "feelings". They fly into court on unsubstantiated allegations projecting blame with the "magical thinking" that the court will "believe" them and "see you how they see you in their paranoid/delusional way" and put all sorts of orders against you to "punish" you.

    They don't realize they are walking into "family court" and not the "court of unsubstantiated allegations, distortion campaigns, emotional vitriol and shaming the other parent".

    Often, for these highly conflicted litigants (and often their "negative advocate laywers") even after numerous judges tell them to stop they just don't. They continue down the path of "bad advice" and can't let go of their personal issues, refuse to seek the appropriate therapy and continue to hurl allegations like rocks.

    What they often don't realize is that they are hurling rocks in a glass house and some (or a lot of) these rocks hit their children... They often have unrealistic expectation of their "dreams" and when their "dreams" don't come true they look to blame you - their target of blame - because they are unhappy.

    Again, everyone has the opportunity to change... But, with the assistance of therapy and proper and qualified mental health clinicians can they achieve this...

    Good Luck!
    Tayken
    Holy Crap! This is my ex. Everything you described. He is even on his 4th move and in his 4th different job in the last 20 months. Crazy. Thank you for posting this, it shed some light.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by frustratedwithex View Post
      I work with someone who is well into their 30's and still dealing with parents who fight over who's turn it is to have the holiday dinner. His parents have been divorced for almost 20 years. Him and his siblings have told the parents 'enough', we have families of our own and both of you need to attend our family events and be civil. But there is still stress waiting to see if everyone will behave.
      I know first hand how hard this is to deal with. Bf's parents divorced 22 years ago... he is turning 31 this month... the holidays are the WORST part... it is bad enough he often has to deal with how his ex will behave, but even worse he has to worry about how his parents will act. It is not just Christmas, it is Easter, Thanksgiving, and birthday's... the first year him and I were together, my sister held Thanksgiving dinner... we invited his Mom and her partner (who she has been with for over 10 years)... while my god did that not start crap...his Dad was beyond upset...didn't speak to my bf for 6 months!! 6 months of no contact because his mother joined us for Thanksgiving.

      This year for Christmas we are seeing his Dad the 22nd and my parents boxing day... his Mom asked us to come on Boxing Day... unfortunately he declined but said we could come any other day... well THAT started a war... he never heard back from his mother, but heard through his brother that his mom was VERY upset and was no longer inviting us for Christmas.

      I truly don't think it matters what age the children are...while the parents may not have any contact, if one parent still can't grow up, the children (now adults) will continue to feel that stress of divorce.

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      • #18
        Hey I'll start a new thread about Christmas season schedules, alienation and other stress or something like that as this thread is going off topic.

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        • #19
          I guess this is why they invented booze.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
            The easiest way to get it into email is to reply to his voicemail by email:

            Dear Dickhead,

            Thank you for your voicemail letting me know you are willing to pick up medication for our children in exchange for a change in custody blah blah blah....

            Love,

            Supermom.
            Thanks Blink and done.

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            • #21
              Yes, he just dropped off the prescription in my mail box this morning. Did not get her asthma medication and did not give her any this weekend. It is getting very difficult to maintain any sense of composure when writing about this man.

              Comment


              • #22
                Situation we are dealing with.
                Our daughter has been "Diagnosed" with Asthma. Now I put it in quotations for a reason. My ex is regularly smoking, around smoke and does not get out daughter outside that much. Our daughter has never shown any signs of asthma at our house. I had it growing up and have done my fair share of research.
                My ex insists our daughter has it though, and has gone through hoops to have her diagnosed without taking any tests. Doctors continue to prescribe puffers for her. Over the past 4 years we have had 3 puffers that are supposed to be daily use expire. It normally takes over a year for them to expire and normally between 100-120 doses in them. Whenever I talk to my ex about this I am all wrong, she gives them twice daily and so on and so forth and it must be that I am not giving it to her. I an an EOW Dad, my time would not make that huge a difference in the amount of time that it takes for them to run out. She insists of getting more and more puffers and so on but will not follow through on giving them as they are supposed to be given. While I do not feel she has asthma, if the doctor gives it to her I will follow through with it. She was given one for a 2 week period when she was particularly bad (from what my ex says) and on it the prescription says "take for 2 weeks". My ex refuses to get rid of it and uses it as an emergency puffer. This is all being documented of course.
                Nadia, I commend your efforts in this. Sometimes all you can do is your best. There is a reason they are an ex right

                Mess, after a very messy divorce when I was a child and after years of my parents not talking. When we became adults my parents got to the point where they could get along. It took my dad seperating from his them wife, and my mom putting things rightly in the past. While it only lasted a couple years before my father passed. Those were great years for us to have family functions and not worry, for children to see grandparents together and have some great memories. That is one of the things that keeps me going, on the hope that when our daughter gets older we can put this aside and do what is best for her. If all else fails though, like you said. That is why they invented booze... Mulled wine anyone? Over the bonfire

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Nadia View Post
                  Yes, he just dropped off the prescription in my mail box this morning. Did not get her asthma medication and did not give her any this weekend. It is getting very difficult to maintain any sense of composure when writing about this man.
                  No biggie if you lose composure writing ABOUT him, but you know you can keep it together when writing to him and that's what is important.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Nadia View Post
                    Yes, he just dropped off the prescription in my mail box this morning. Did not get her asthma medication and did not give her any this weekend. It is getting very difficult to maintain any sense of composure when writing about this man.
                    One of the best things about this forum is you can vent all you like (without providing personal details)... it is good to get your frustration out here, before emailing him back... so feel free to lose your composure here every once in a while!

                    Comment

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