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  • What to do???

    Sorry for the long post, I and my ex-wife have been divorced for 6 years and I have moved to a different province because my employer moved me. We have joint custody of our 2 children (18 year old son and 17 year old daughter). I remarried 2 years ago. Here is the problem. My daughter accidently sent a message (along with 20 others that it was supposed to go to) a party invite for New Year’s Eve. But in the message she stated it would be BYOB and at a secret location to be revealed later. My wife showed me the message. We I called my Ex (We have a court order that all communication would be by e-mail unless it is an emergency, I decided this an emergency), she was surprised and said she did not know about the party and what was going on. I then messaged my daughter's boyfriend's step-father and sent him a copy of the screen shots. The next day he came back stating that she is responsible and has been to many of such parties and actually the boyfriend’s father will be at the party. My daughter then called me and chewed me out that I should have trusted her first and talked to her about it before going to her mother, and stated that here mother actually knew about the party and was driving her there and this happened quite frequently. I am pissed my EX would allow this and may other things...eg letting my daughter and her boyfriend (who is 16) sleep in the same bed at her house as long as the door is open. Would this be something that CAS should be informed or should I contact the local police?
    Any wisdom or guidance would be great
    Thanks

  • #2
    Let it go. She's 17, not being abused or neglected. CAS would not get involved because of her age.

    Honestly, I agree that it Sucks and it's not what you want for her, nor what i would want for my 17 year old daughter. But there is very little you cam do to change it or stop it. The only thing you will accomplish is successfully alienating your child from you.

    Maybe something you can work with the ex on, since she was surprised by it, don't expect any support from the boyfriends step father, he clearly doesn't see a problem with any of it.

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    • #3
      First off why contact the boyfriends step-father? You should've left him out of it first because he isn't your daughters step-father and it not the bfs bio parent.

      At 17 she may or may not be having sex. If her mother has an open door policy at her house and is comfortable with it then that is her decision. Not the best one but hers nevertheless.

      At 17 some kids have tried drinking. Yes it isn't a good idea to have underaged parties especially with adults saying its okay. For myself I would rather have then doing it under adult supervision because if they are going to drink, they will find a way. Better in a controlled environment vs a bush party. I am not condoning teenage drinking in anyway.

      This is not a CAS situation but it could be a police situation. I would hesitate before going that far or you risk losing your daughter if you do that. I wouldn't have called the ex either (not an emergency IMHO) but instead would of contacted your daughter instead. You could be making a mountain out of a molehill.

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      • #4
        I can understand your concern if your ex is ok with your daughter's underaged drinking. I can also understand your concern with your ex allowing daughter to sleep with boyfriend "as long as the door is open."

        This is an example of poor parenting decisions IMO. Too often parents are more concerned about being "liked" by their children and have difficulty setting up and enforcing house rules.

        Your ex is letting your daughter do whatever she pleases and there is really nothing you can do about this as it occurs in your ex's home, not yours.

        What you can do is have a meaningful, concerned discussion with your daughter when she next visits you about drinking and sex.

        I think you did the right thing in letting your ex know what you found out (party).

        Hope your daughter doesn't end up in a vehicle with one of children who are encouraged by their parents to drink as minors. I also hope that you don't find out that you are soon going to be a grandfather. Don't rely on your ex having a convo with your daughter about these things. Sure she may not "like" you for a while but that's ok. You have legitimate concerns. You just need to figure out a plan to address your concerns.

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        • #5
          I think you have to recognize what happens to daughters with out fathers in the home or involved (i.e: you are living in another province). They basically become promiscous etc....

          Wake up, what do you think happens when you leave your kids?
          You have no say, neither practically nor theoretically, just forget about how she turns out, its a little late for that.... focus on the rest of your life that you have some control on...

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Links17 View Post
            I think you have to recognize what happens to daughters with out fathers in the home or involved (i.e: you are living in another province). They basically become promiscous etc....

            Wake up, what do you think happens when you leave your kids?
            You have no say, neither practically nor theoretically, just forget about how she turns out, its a little late for that.... focus on the rest of your life that you have some control on...

            This isnt fair Links. I grew up in a fatherless house and didnt become promiscuous or misbehaved.

            As for the concerns...theres only so much parenting you can do from several hours away and you need to accept that. Plus your kids are teens and are going to push the boundaries.

            Your best plan is to try to recover the relationship with your daughter and encourage respectful and responsible behaviour. Failing that, accept your limitations and stop creating negative conflict.

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            • #7
              Why are girls with fathers less likely to be promiscuous? - SiOWfa13: Science in Our World: Certainty and Controversy

              Not every girl but being fatherless has an impact statistically.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                I think you have to recognize what happens to daughters with out fathers in the home or involved (i.e: you are living in another province). They basically become promiscous etc....

                Wake up, what do you think happens when you leave your kids?
                You have no say, neither practically nor theoretically, just forget about how she turns out, its a little late for that.... focus on the rest of your life that you have some control on...
                A very good post here actually.

                I suggest the distressed dad have a chat with his little girl, tell her about what unwanted pregnancy is all about. Then, buy her a big box of condoms every month. Send it in the mail. Maybe see if you can get her some Plan B pills too, send those in the mail as well.

                Then, cross your fingers and hope you don't get grandchildren soon.

                At 17, no judge is going to make Orders making her live with someone she doesn't want to.

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                • #9
                  She's woman at 17, not a 'little girl'. A little girl is 5.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by magic3 View Post
                    She's woman at 17, not a 'little girl'. A little girl is 5.
                    Maybe you're not familiar, but most girls are always Daddy's Little Girl, regardless of age.

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                    • #11
                      Cdnmoose I can appreciate that discovering this situation is upsetting. You are correct on all counts. Unfortunately you are divorced and living in another province which limits the available appropriate parenting options open to you. Maybe all you can do is put some harm reduction interventions into place.

                      Next time you visit you can take your daughter to a doctor or clinic and get her on birth control if she is agreeable. Or have a discussion with her and say you'll pay for her prescription. If there's drinking going on maybe you can offer to pay for the cab ride home for her. These are just suggestions of things you can do from where you are.

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                      • #12
                        ^these are great suggestions! I really like the offering to pay for taxi for her. Shows your daughter you really care for her and are looking out for her no matter the distance between the two of you.

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