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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 04-29-2021, 10:01 AM
HappierNow40 HappierNow40 is offline
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Default Mother has rejected 14 year old daughter

Hello All,

I divorced in 2015. Had 50/50 shared custody of my two kids for a few years until my military posting to a new city, then my shared custody went to every second weekend, half the summer, etc. Everything was working.

More recently, my now 14 year daughter, started to have issues getting along with her mother and 15 year old brother, so she moved in with me and my new spouse 3 months ago. Her mother was supportive since things were not working at her house.

Over the last 3 months the relationship has deteriorated so much between my daughter and her mother that her mother has now completely rejected her and has said she is never welcome back at her house and has completely broken off communication. Furthermore, she sent me an email stating that "(our daughter) is no longer invited to my house."

My daughter has requested that her mother no longer has legal guardian status, and thus no decision making role in her life. My question is whether this would be a situation for seeking full custody in light of my daughter's wishes and my former spouses actions.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 04-29-2021, 10:40 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Have you thought about getting her into some therapy to help her with the issues with her mother? Or even just to help her emotionally?

This is a difficult situation for sure but I wouldnt take extreme action at the moment. Give them both some space to calm down and work through what caused this matter to explode. Teenage years are a challenge and there are a lot of hormones going on.

For support purposes, you can work something out with your ex but hold off on doing anything related to removing mom from her life. Shes old enough that you dont need moms permission for stuff and if you do, Im sure it will be easy to get.
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Old 04-29-2021, 11:39 AM
HappierNow40 HappierNow40 is offline
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Thank you for the quick response, rockscan.

We investigated family counselling over the last few months but my daughter refuses to attend counselling with her mother. Her and her mother have had a very tumultuous relationship over the last few years, with borderline emotional abuse like her mother calling her a whore, slut, calling her fat, making fun of her hair, telling her she wishes she never gave birth to her, etc, all fairly toxic behaviour. As the relationship deteriorated over the last few years, they have attempted family counselling a number of times which was not effective. I have involved other medical and mental health professionals in hopes of repairing that relationship but her mother has not been receptive to change.

Her mother has also been quite aggressive in her responses to me recently and there have been threats to me and my new spouses safety along with false accusations made about us. With all that in mind, I think we would all benefit by breaking off communication with her entirely for our mental wellbeing.

I am still open to supporting family counselling and have always encouraged my daughter to work with her mother and have gone as far as provided her mother advice on how she may be able to repair the relationship but she has rejected all suggests and attempts at diplomacy.

That is why I feel my last recourse is now the legal route to support my daughter's wishes to have her mother out of her life.
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Old 04-29-2021, 02:10 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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I meant therapy just for your daughter.

Like I said, there is no need to take any legal action other than changing support if it is in place. Neither one of you need to communicate with the ex and there is no sense in adding fuel to the inferno.

Get your daughter settled and in a healthy mindset. Put your ex on ignore and have your daughter attend her own individual therapy. As she ages she will learn to manage the relationship and once she is mature enough, make her own decision. Shes old enough to choose where she wants to live so there is no need to set custody. Get the support aspect set in writing and then get on with life.

Hopefully one day your ex realizes what she has done and makes an effort to fix it. If not, its her loss.
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Old 04-29-2021, 05:17 PM
HappierNow40 HappierNow40 is offline
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Ah, I get you now. Yes, we have my daughter in Psychotherapy and have a number of other mental health supports lined up for her

I see the point of not fanning the flames of an already inflamed situation. I am worried that without full custody my ex-spouse will still have the ability to inject herself in our lives. We are still having issues with her calling my daughter's school, doctors, therapist, etc and asking for information that my daughter does not want her to have. Perhaps rather than removing her as a legal guardian it will be easier and just as effective to deal with each occurrence of crossed boundaries as they occur.

I just need my daughter to know that I am listening to her wishes to have her mother completely out of her life and looking at options to do so. Perhaps full custody is not the right (and certainly not the easiest) course.

I appreciate all the advice.

Last edited by HappierNow40; 04-29-2021 at 05:19 PM. Reason: Grammer
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Old 04-29-2021, 06:00 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappierNow40 View Post
Ah, I get you now. Yes, we have my daughter in Psychotherapy and have a number of other mental health supports lined up for her

I see the point of not fanning the flames of an already inflamed situation. I am worried that without full custody my ex-spouse will still have the ability to inject herself in our lives. We are still having issues with her calling my daughter's school, doctors, therapist, etc and asking for information that my daughter does not want her to have. Perhaps rather than removing her as a legal guardian it will be easier and just as effective to deal with each occurrence of crossed boundaries as they occur.

I just need my daughter to know that I am listening to her wishes to have her mother completely out of her life and looking at options to do so. Perhaps full custody is not the right (and certainly not the easiest) course.

I appreciate all the advice.

Changing it legally is a lot of work and she can still call all of those people for updates. Perhaps an easier approach is to advise the ex that you will share information with her on a regular basis to avoid additional outbursts.

She cant have it both ways. Kick kid out and cut her off but then harass people for information. Getting that through to her may be difficult if she is high maintenance. Is there a neutral third party you could enlist? A grandparent or aunt/uncle? They might be able to advise the ex on boundaries and respect.

The only other option would be to spend some time reaching out to anyone she would call (the school, docs etc) and let them know there is a difficult family matter going on that you are working through and if they dont normally share info then please tell her that. Otherwise simply send the ex an email stating kid has xyz appointment and you will provide details after. Or you can tell ex that it would be best if she respect kids boundaries based on the current situation and then put her on ignore.
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Old 04-30-2021, 10:26 AM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappierNow40 View Post
Her mother has also been quite aggressive in her responses to me recently and there have been threats to me and my new spouses safety along with false accusations made about us. With all that in mind, I think we would all benefit by breaking off communication with her entirely for our mental wellbeing.
I have a sneaking suspicion that this is the part that is really motivating you. You will certainly benefit from cutting off communication. Kids rarely benefit from losing a parent.

Quote:
I am still open to supporting family counselling and have always encouraged my daughter to work with her mother
Have you mentioned in front of your daughter that you consider her mother to be a toxic influence?

Quote:
and have gone as far as provided her mother advice on how she may be able to repair the relationship but she has rejected all suggests and attempts at diplomacy.
I think you are aware of this, but just in case you are oblivious: Handing out unsolicited advice has got to be the worst way to get anybody to do anything. Handing out unsolicited advice to an ex is even worse. If I wanted to make sure that my ex would not do something, I would tell her to do it.

Either you are clueless and were not aware of that, or you knew damn well that giving "advice" would fan the flames of discontent. I know which one I think it is.

Do not give advice to your ex, that is not your role.

Quote:
That is why I feel my last recourse is now the legal route to support my daughter's wishes to have her mother out of her life.
Could I have some of that pile of extra money you have hanging around? You must be incredibly wealthy to be willing to spend so much money on something that will have almost no effect on your life, or your daughter's.

Legally, I have no idea which grounds you would be using to ask for sole custody. As rockscan said, you almost certainly have de facto sole custody anyway at this point.
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Old 04-30-2021, 02:02 PM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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Sorry to burst your bubble but you are wasting your money if you think a judge is going to “support your daughter’s wishes to have her mother out of her life”. If anything, this will backfire for you snd the judge will give you a tongue lashing or worse. It is your responsibility as a parent to encourage your child’s relationship with the other parent not promote your 14 year old teenage daughter’s wishes to remove the other parent from her life entirely. A teenage daughter is a raging pile of hormones with a misfiring brain that is not yet fully developed and certainly is not capable of making such momentous decisions.
Teens often don’t get along with parents, especially same sex parents as they break away from parental control and try to assert their I dependence. This is normal. Teens also flip flop back and forth. Also normal. Beware, your daughter may pull the same stuff on you as soon as she is settled, making you the bad guy. That too would be normal.

You will not be successful convincing a judge to remove your ex from your daughter’s life. My ex is brain damaged and physically assaulted our children. He received supervised access which he inconsistently exercised. The children fought going and at one point the judge even said that he wondered if it was in the children’s best interests to have any contact with my ex at all...but he never made an order to that effect.

So if I could not get an order removing my violent, brain damaged ex who assaulted our children from their lives, with mountains of irrefutable evidence, you don’t have a chance in hell of getting such an order. Your ex doesn’t even have supervised access. My children no longer have contact with him as he himself stopped seeing them to “teach them a lesson” which backfired.

Your ex does not have supervised access so there is no way you will get an order removing her from your daughter’s life!
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Old 04-30-2021, 05:19 PM
HappierNow40 HappierNow40 is offline
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Thank you to everyone who provided constructive advice. It has really helped guide my decision. Much appreciated.
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Old 05-06-2021, 02:08 AM
davidbaker7 davidbaker7 is offline
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I think you can seek full custody in the light of your daughter’s wishes. Since your ex wife has disowned your daughter and your daughter now wishes to stay with you, you have a good chance of getting full custody over your daughter. The email your ex sent you might help you. You may seek advice from a family lawyer and proceed with the plan.

I personally think you have a good chance of winning this case. My cousin was in a similar situation. He was worried how he may get full custody over his son and daughter since his ex wife had so many issues and her lifestyle took a toll on his kids. He seeked legal advice from a family lawyer in Brampton. He got custody over his kids on the grounds of neglect and by taking the kids’ wish into account. I think you have the same chances here.
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