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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #31  
Old 08-06-2020, 08:00 PM
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I guess my divorce, as high-conflict as it was, has never reached the point of requiring an "access centre" to facilitate transfers, so I don't know how it is supposed to work.

Generally speaking:
(1) The higher the degree of conflict, the less flexible I would be when it comes to agreeing to stray from the terms of the court order. It was an error on your part to agree to change the transfer location.
(2) The less lawyered-up you are the more careful you must be in dealing with opposing counsel (OC). This means emailing them less. I don't know what you wrote to him. I know sometimes it's necessary to email OC, but in this case I would have just ignored his stupid requirements and written nothing. Your emails are a gold mine for OC to sift for anything he can use against you.

Show up at the BK with a camera. If she brings your kid, take him. If she does not bring your kid, take date & time-stamped pics of yourself standing there like a fool.

Denying you access to your son for 40 days despite a court order to the contrary is in my opinion tantamount to parental alienation, so you need to push for 50/50 parenting time to combat this. If you do plan to surrender to being an "access parent", at the very least don't agree to make it a final order/settlement. At min insist on a clause that requires parenting arrangements to be reviewed and varied without having to meet the material change in circumstances threshold.
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  #32  
Old 08-06-2020, 08:23 PM
Donald Duck Donald Duck is offline
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Thank you very much!

Agree fully!
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  #33  
Old 08-07-2020, 10:43 AM
tilt tilt is offline
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Noooooo, do NOT bring a camera. There are so many decisions where judges rip into immature parents who deliberately escalate access exchanges by bringing a camera; it is usual now to see a no-recording clause in Orders between high conflict parents.

Is it in the best interest of the child? THAT is the only guiding principle you need. You want to be the calm, reasonable parent who approaches each and every interaction with your co-parent on the good faith assumption they will also be reasonable and putting your childs need first. Judges are NOT going to watch your video because that just encourages other litigants to be disruptive and start filming. If you are in a public place like a Burger King there will be security cameras. If the co-parent does something illegal like drop kick you, you would call police to press charges and they would get the video and witness statements. If your co-parent calls you a nasty name, good on them for showing who they are, just walk away - the child will remember which parent acted like a school yard bully and which one made them feel safe.

Also, you responding to the lawyers letter (I assume professionally and calmly) was 100% what you should do even if it is just to say I have received your letter and will take your advice under consideration. Do NOT ignore communication because if you are before the judge the other side can pull up we have attempted to resolve this matter with the other parent and have sent three letters to which we have received no response. Boom, suddenly you are the unreasonable one.

Also, this is a lot of conflict and stressful; you need to enrol in a parenting program for high-conflict parenting and get a separation couch/therapist (often your EAP will provide one for free). For one thing, it looks good towards the court and shows you are being child-centred and mature. But more importantly, this is a difficult, emotional time. You are naturally going to want to vent about it and people NOT in your co-parenting relationship are going to react emotionally and give bad advice and ramp up your own negative emotions. Therapists/coaches are wayyyy cheaper than lawyers, faster than going through court, and have better all around results (for you, for your child, for your co-parent) than any other method. My coach is super affordable and the results have been dramatic. Good luck.

(Note the language - she is not your ex which is focusing on your negative personal relationship, she is your co-parent which focuses on your mutual relationship with your child who you are working collaboratively with. When talking about her other people will pick up on subconciously on whether you are centring your relationship with her around yourself of your child)

Last edited by tilt; 08-07-2020 at 10:52 AM. Reason: Gah. Typos galore
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  #34  
Old 08-07-2020, 12:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tilt View Post
Noooooo, do NOT bring a camera. There are so many decisions where judges rip into immature parents who deliberately escalate access exchanges by bringing a camera; it is usual now to see a no-recording clause in Orders between high conflict parents.
My advice was for him to only take pics of himself in the event the ex fails to show up with the kid, to prove (if necessary) that parenting time was denied. I don't see a problem with this. I've never seen an order barring someone from taking selfies.

Quote:
Is it in the best interest of the child?
The court order is theoretically in the interest of the child. The mother's responsibility is to bring the kid. His responsibility is to show up to get the kid. If he does his part and the mother does not, then she has not acted in the best interest blah blah.

Quote:
If you are in a public place like a Burger King there will be security cameras.
And your expectation is that BK will turn over its camera footage to Donald Duck at his whim?

Quote:
Also, you responding to the lawyers letter (I assume professionally and calmly) was 100% what you should do even if it is just to say I have received your letter and will take your advice under consideration. Do NOT ignore communication because if you are before the judge the other side can pull up we have attempted to resolve this matter with the other parent and have sent three letters to which we have received no response. Boom, suddenly you are the unreasonable one.
In that case why is it that lawyers routinely ignore communications?

Quote:
Also, this is a lot of conflict and stressful; you need to enrol in a parenting program for high-conflict parenting and get a separation couch/therapist (often your EAP will provide one for free).
I agree on this one. He should do the free one.

Quote:
(Note the language - she is not your ex which is focusing on your negative personal relationship, she is your co-parent which focuses on your mutual relationship with your child who you are working collaboratively with. When talking about her other people will pick up on subconciously on whether you are centring your relationship with her around yourself of your child)
Splitting hairs. In your court materials just call her the claimant or the respondent like everyone else does.
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  #35  
Old 08-07-2020, 12:13 PM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tilt View Post
Is it in the best interest of the child? THAT is the only guiding principle you need.
A parent might reasonably feel that time with both parents is in the best interests of the child. Any means required to get to that point would be reasonable, especially if the best interests of the child is the only guiding principle that you need.

Quote:
Also, you responding to the lawyers letter (I assume professionally and calmly) was 100% what you should do even if it is just to say I have received your letter and will take your advice under consideration.
Strong disagree.

You have an obligation to respond to legal proceedings. You are under no obligation to respond to every bit of communication that is thrown in your general direction.

Quote:
(Note the language - she is not your ex which is focusing on your negative personal relationship, she is your co-parent which focuses on your mutual relationship with your child who you are working collaboratively with.

Some exes, unfortunately, are not coparents.
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  #36  
Old 08-07-2020, 07:54 PM
Donald Duck Donald Duck is offline
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Thank you all again!

First things first, I ended out writing to OC in a very polite and respectful way.

Said that we did not have an agreement and if she could please do an offer to settle/consent form, she had sent me one before so I asked for the same thing with her clients requested conditions.

No answer at all!

Answer more a bit later but thanks for the great help all!!!!!!
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  #37  
Old 08-07-2020, 07:59 PM
Donald Duck Donald Duck is offline
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I'm sorry but what is EAP please and can one do it alone or must both parents be involved and agree or is it something to request from the courts please?
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  #38  
Old 08-07-2020, 08:11 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Donald Duck View Post
I'm sorry but what is EAP please and can one do it alone or must both parents be involved and agree or is it something to request from the courts please?
Employee Assistance Program.

It has nothing to do with a court. It is usually offered through your employer. Contact your HR department to see what kind of counselling etc is covered.
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  #39  
Old 08-07-2020, 08:15 PM
Donald Duck Donald Duck is offline
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Thank you.

I'm self employed so do you think they have something available that I could pay for privately.
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  #40  
Old 08-07-2020, 09:42 PM
pinkHouses pinkHouses is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Donald Duck View Post
Thank you.

I'm self employed so do you think they have something available that I could pay for privately.
You can't force anyone into joint therapy and neither can the courts.
There are many people around that do this. There are many people that do it poorly.

You can also get a parental coordinator but you may need a final court order for that and it can go into the final court order. $200 an hour and things like this COVID exchange item they take care of.
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