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  • What should I do, any advice on this?

    So the wife and I have been having problems. I caught her calling a guy long distance on her cell every night. I threaten to leave that night she said she would stop it.Give her another chance, I tried to work it out.

    2 weeks later I notice blocked call on the phone in the garage but deleted from call display on the rest of the phones. Seemed to have happened every time I left the house. Confronted her about it she confessed to talking to him, that night I left. I moved back in later and we would try to work it out.

    Now its txt messages to him 3 or 4 times a day She has no idea I know. I've talked to a lawyer, all I have to do is tell him I'm out of the house and he moves forward.

    I know its over but honestly for me to move out without checking all my options is stupid. I'm gonna be the one stuck in an apartment with nothing while she has the house.

    What should I be doing to get ready for this, I have all my important papers moved from the house, I have been spending as much time with my kids as possible. I'm putting up a brave face and acting like nothing is wrong but sometimes it gets to me and I let it slip.


    Anyone been through anything like this, I just don't want the day to come without being prepared.


    Thanks

  • #2
    Did you have a prenup?
    How old are your children?
    Does your wife work?
    Are you looking to share custody and parenting with her?
    Are you planning on having the children live with you at least 40% of the time?
    Or are you planning on taking the children with you when you leave?
    Do you think you will be required to pay spousal support, based on your respective incomes?

    There are about a zillion questions that need to be considered LONG BEFORE you leave the house...

    I can imagine that you want to get out of there asap, due to her infidelity, but that may not be the best option for you...

    And I am sure you are feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed.. but unfortunately, her adultery is irrelevant when it comes to divorce.

    Comment


    • #3
      Absolutely agree with representingself! There are A LOT of things you need to think about because divorce can turn ugle fast and can drag on and on.

      I'm not saying you shouldn't go forward with it, but I am saying make sure all your ducks are in a row before you do. She (and lawyers) could end up with a lot of your money for a VERY long time.

      Comment


      • #4
        Please for your own sake..

        For your own sake, PLEASE do not move out of the house.
        Painfull as it may be, let her continue her behaviour while you continue to be a good parent and husband.Talk to your lawyer, tell them you want Equal Shared Parenting / Joint Custody.

        The courts do not care who did what to whom in a No Fault jurisdiction, as long as their are no criminal acts. The fact that she is cheating, or thinking about it, will not prevent her from getting CS and SS.

        I have watched friends stand up and leave, only to become a victim of our Family laws. Once you move out, you move right to being a second class citizen, many fathers become an infrequent visitor in their childrens lives at the point where they leave the matrimonial home.

        How old are your kids?
        How long were you together? Married or common law? Who's name is on the house? How long have you owned it? Does your spouse work? Does she have an education?

        The CS tables and SS guidelines shocked the #### out of me when I first saw them after my kids mom left, I had never imagined her leaving would be so expensive.... And even though my kids are with me 4 nights a week, I'm still paying for her "lifestyle" 3 years later...

        Divorce is far more expensive than most people will ever realize, both finanically and emotionally.

        Comment


        • #5
          Calm down. Leaving should be the VERY last resort. Talking her to stop this will not help. some kind of marriage counseling maybe. Many relationships survived adultery. Something is missing from your relationship and she has found that in another relationship. The new relationship might wear away, might not, you can prepare for both, but simply leaving could leave you in the very, very cold and deep water.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks this was the kind of advice I was looking for, the few friends that know have said move out but that's an expensive option. Everything in that house I have built. I have lost one friend because of it.

            The kids are under 10 been married under 10 years. No pre nup, House is in our name, summer cottage too, I've made my decision that I'm getting the cottage come hell or high water. Only 6 years left on the mortgage so if she gets the house her and her new BF are off to a great start.

            She is on the computer constantly, from after supper till long after I go to bed. I'm thinking of logging the computer use just to make sure she is not planing something with him or when he is planing on visiting.

            I know somethings missing, she loves to talk on the phone, and I guess finally she has someone to talk to. I can't spend as much time talking cause as of now I'm the one doing most of the work around the house trying to save a sunken marriage cause I'm scared of starting over from scratch.

            I know who the guy is, I have never talked to him before but I grew up with his wife. I have not told her yet, the second time I left I got someone to get her number so I could call and inform her whats going on. I didn't have the guts to do it. Any advice on this?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by coastalguy27 View Post
              She is on the computer constantly, from after supper till long after I go to bed. I'm thinking of logging the computer use just to make sure she is not planing something with him or when he is planing on visiting.

              ...


              I know who the guy is, I have never talked to him before but I grew up with his wife. I have not told her yet, the second time I left I got someone to get her number so I could call and inform her whats going on. I didn't have the guts to do it. Any advice on this?
              Don't spend your precious energy spying on your wife and/or figuring out ways to ruin the other marriage. You need that energy to get your separation strategy in order so that you can set up yourself to preserve joint custody and shared parenting.

              Listen to what the OP's have told you. Let be even more emphatic:

              CARDINAL SIN#1 IN FAMILY LAW = LEAVING THE HOUSE WITHOUT THE KIDS!

              If you leave, you have just given up on shared parenting and you will be paying full CS, maybe SS for an indefinite period of time (translation ---> f'n disaster) to say nothing of the fact that you will be REDUCED TO A WEEKEND PARENT FOR YOUR CHILDREN!

              As far as the house and the cottage, all that will be taken care of when you equalize your family property.

              It sounds you like you need to spend a whole lot of time researching CS, SS, custody, access and equalization of family property. Let her be while she flirts with her new flame on the phone and on the internet. It will distract her from what you are doing, which is strategizing for your separation.

              Once last thing, which you will no doubt see as your spends dozens and dozens of hours researching ---> Be reasonable, don't let your hurt feelings govern your behaviour.

              Come up with a workable parenting plan that puts your children first and is a fair way to divide your property. For example, rather than going to her and saying "I've made my decision that I'm getting the cottage come hell or high water", work out a child-centred, fair, rational, and reasonable offer for her that will be attractive for her to accept, not one that will get her back up and start a big fight that will only take months or years to resolve and will almost certainly expose your children to way too much conflict.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by coastalguy27 View Post
                The kids are under 10 been married under 10 years. No pre nup, House is in our name, summer cottage too, I've made my decision that I'm getting the cottage come hell or high water. Only 6 years left on the mortgage so if she gets the house her and her new BF are off to a great start.
                That's not really how it's going to work. You each will get half the assets, and half the debt. If she wants the house, she has to buy your half from you. Same with you and the cottage. If she wants to end up in the house, she'll have to get a new, bigger, mortgage and pay you for your half out of it. You can look up equalization for more information. But don't worry that you are setting her up for a great start with her boyfriend, it doesn't work like that.

                Originally posted by coastalguy27 View Post
                She is on the computer constantly, from after supper till long after I go to bed. I'm thinking of logging the computer use just to make sure she is not planing something with him or when he is planing on visiting.
                While there's arguably some use to knowing what she's planning behind your back, is it really worth the hassle and emotional pain to get it? Personally, I did some email snooping on my ex, and found it tremendously helpful, though not for the reasons you would expect. What I learned was that even though we had agreed to separate, he was still lying to me, and not only that, he was lying to the mistress too. So I learned that he was basically just a pathological liar and not to trust a word he uttered. It was helpful in the process of getting over being in love with him. But you have to decide if your time and emotional strength is better invested elsewhere than the snooping.

                Originally posted by coastalguy27 View Post
                I know somethings missing, she loves to talk on the phone, and I guess finally she has someone to talk to. I can't spend as much time talking cause as of now I'm the one doing most of the work around the house trying to save a sunken marriage cause I'm scared of starting over from scratch.
                Don't think of the work as saving a sunken marriage, that way lies despair. Think of it as raising your children, helping them through what is going to be a difficult process, maintaining your home, basically just being a responsible person and parent, because your wife isn't. Starting over from scratch (which you won't be, you'll have half the assets) is a workable goal with tangible rewards. Trying to save a sunken marriage is not, not if she's not working on it. Many many group projects in life can succeed even if one person is not pulling their weight, but a relationship simply is not one of them.

                Originally posted by coastalguy27 View Post
                I know who the guy is, I have never talked to him before but I grew up with his wife. I have not told her yet, the second time I left I got someone to get her number so I could call and inform her whats going on. I didn't have the guts to do it. Any advice on this?
                I think you need to concentrate on yourself. I'm sure you think that telling her is the right thing to do, but wait until you are stable because doing it could be opening a huge can of worms that distracts you from your priorities. Right now, that's you, and your children. By then, she may have figured it out on her own, or he could have realized his mistake and dumped your wife, you never know. You and your children are more important than she is, sad as her ignorance may be.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Things you may not want to know..

                  The thought of installing a key logger and capturing the details of her infedelity may be appealing... But in reality it will probably just make things worse.

                  As you post more of your story I remember well the final year of my marriage. The Childrens Mother was unhappy and sought to communicate with old flames via email or dating sites, I installed a key logger, and I never confronted her with the information.

                  I did drive myself into a self loathing state of depression reading the intimate thoughts of someone who I loved who was unfaithful.. Given the choice to do it again or not... I would choose not. The intense feeling of being betrayed by someone you should be able to trust is hard enough without knowing the details.

                  Try counselling, be ready to accept that her affections have moved elsewhere, have a plan for how you will approach Asset Division, Child Custody, and your future.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Calling the wife...

                    I wouldn't bother calling the wife... It will just generate more pain for everyone involved. She is probably already aware based on the fact that her hubby spends all night on the computer or on the phone in the basement.

                    She will find out soon enough when your former spouse wants him to move in with him.

                    SPEND LOTS OF TIME WITH YOUR KIDS! At their School, on the weekend, at home, make meals, do laundry, and be the best Dad you can be.

                    When my wife finally left, after years of threatening and emotionally abusive behaviour, I thought it was a victory... Until I was served with her first divorce application and realized how much pain she would be inflicting on me and the kids.

                    If you have the opportunity now to work things out in a friendly way towards a fair and equal seperation, take it, don't let the hurt of losing a loved one get in the way of the rest of your life.

                    But be wary, if she consults a lawyer and sees what is available to her under the Canukistan Family Law System, she may decide that fairness is not the best way. My former spouse was pretending interest in Shared Parenting even while her lawyer was drafting an application for Sole Custody, Full CS, Full SS, and I was blown away whey I was served with papers.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Read the List - Main Forum Page - Divorce Forums | Divorce Advice for Men | Information on Divorce • View topic - THE LIST (Print It)

                      It may sound bleak, but it will give you a good starting point of what to do. When you are done reading it, print it and read it again.

                      DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. It would be the single dumbest move you make as you are effectively stating that your STBX is the primary parent to your children and you will have very little chance of getting 50/50 or 60/40 custody.

                      Speak to a lawyer (or lawyers), document your involvement with your children and bone up on your parenting skills (take a St. John's Ambulance childrens CPR course or some other form of parenting course).

                      When you are ready, advise her that you want a divorce and serve her with papers. Be willing to go to mediation, and recommend and request mediation or other alternative dispute resolution programs.

                      It may suck, or she may be happy to move along. But be prepared.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thank You for your reply's.. I guess the main thing that I want to come out of this is for the kids to know that I did everything I could to make this work. But they are probably going to be too young to remember. I guess I have to spend time researching cs and ss, the lawyer said I'm probably gonna pay ss.
                        I can put up with alot but I want my kids to see me, I know I'm not gonna get full support but getting them every second weekend would kill me.

                        The reason I said I was going to take the cottage is because the house is worth alot more then we owe on it. The Cottage was bought through equity with the house and is paid for. I'm not saying I'm a perfect husband or the perfect person but I did what I could to keep the house happy and the bills paid. Every new vehicle we ever had she drove while I drove 10 year old pieces of crap. This helped to pay down alot of debt, All these items I worked hard to pay off seems to be working to my disadvantage.

                        Now she probably can't pay for the house herself unless she remortgages the remaining amount, and I can not kick her and my kids out on the street so I assumed I would have to walk away from the house and start over. I don't know how I'm gonna get a new start without being the bad guy( making her remortgage to give me half). At least if I had the cottage I have something to call my own.

                        I guess I'm kind of confused as to how I'm gonna walk away from this without having to live in a cardboard box, and then this relates back to the kids.....she will say " how can the kids come stay with you when your card board box only has one room"

                        Again thank you for your reply's I fell alot better today then yesterday.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by coastalguy27 View Post
                          I guess the main thing that I want to come out of this is for the kids to know that I did everything I could to make this work. But they are probably going to be too young to remember.
                          Wrong answer dude. This problem is an adult problem not a kid's problem. It is not for them to assign blame or give credit as to why this relationship has or will fail. What they need to be reassured on is that none of this has anything to do with them and everything to do with mom and dad. Do NOT put them in the position of being assured that dad did what he could. They will figure that out when they grow up and they DON'T need you, mom or anyone else to suggest that one or both of you did what they could to keep things together. They love you both and do not need to start making judgements about why the relationship failed or who's at fault.

                          You would do well to check this website for some counselling Families in Transition. In particular click on the brochure "Coping with Change" to get some positive help for you and the kids for transition.

                          Originally posted by coastalguy27 View Post
                          The reason I said I was going to take the cottage is because the house is worth alot more then we owe on it. The Cottage was bought through equity with the house and is paid for. I'm not saying I'm a perfect husband or the perfect person but I did what I could to keep the house happy and the bills paid. Every new vehicle we ever had she drove while I drove 10 year old pieces of crap. This helped to pay down alot of debt, All these items I worked hard to pay off seems to be working to my disadvantage.
                          Wrap your head around equalization of family property before jumping to any conclusions. Do a search in this forum and read read read. And when you're done reading, read some more. Don't let some $400/hour lawyer try and educate you. It's too big a job and you are well served figuring it out on your own, asking questions and understanding it for yourself.

                          Originally posted by coastalguy27 View Post
                          Now she probably can't pay for the house herself unless she remortgages the remaining amount, and I can not kick her and my kids out on the street so I assumed I would have to walk away from the house and start over.I don't know how I'm gonna get a new start without being the bad guy( making her remortgage to give me half). At least if I had the cottage I have something to call my own.
                          Then you keep the house and buy her out. Get off that old antiquated notion that dad has to leave once things are sorted out. And who gives a shit about who the bad guy is? Not your kids, because your not going to involve them in any good guy bad guy talk. Let her take the money you buy her out with and buy her own place.


                          Originally posted by coastalguy27 View Post
                          I guess I'm kind of confused as to how I'm gonna walk away from this without having to live in a cardboard box, and then this relates back to the kids.....she will say " how can the kids come stay with you when your card board box only has one room".
                          Clearly (and understandably) you are not thinking straight. You have already been told in this thread that you will not be starting over. You and your wife will split the equity. Again, research equalization of family property and find out what time it is.

                          No go forth and research grasshopper!!!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Totally agree with DTTE.

                            Only one more thing...

                            Originally posted by coastalguy27 View Post
                            she will say " how can the kids come stay with you when your card board box only has one room".
                            SHE has no say in what you do anymore. Your life with your children is up to you. SHE cannot do anything about it unless you are harming your children. YOU would not want your kids to live with you in a one room cardboard box. So, they won't. You will not live in a one room cardboard box. Like DTTE said - try to buy her out of the house if you want your kids to continue living there. You have just as much right to the house as she does & just as you have just as much right to your kids as she does. I know that it sounds a bit nit-picky - but you have to get used to not considering what she will say in your decisions. Just do the best for the kids yourself.

                            Cheers & good luck!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Thanks guys. She's found some excuse to leave tonight to go talk to him, I'm happy here with the kids. I feel alot better knowing that I got the right to half of everything. I got alot of reading to do. The best part is it's gonna be a shock to her when I say here is the law and this is whats gonna happen, not what she wants.

                              Thanks i'm glad I found this place.

                              Comment

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