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Dealing with a Controlling Other Parent

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  • #16
    Originally posted by MrToronto View Post
    Around 12 years off age, a kid can start voicing where he/she wants to stay.

    Perhaps the other parent is already hearing that from junior...and turning hostile.
    Maybe. We never thought of that. It might explain why this sudden hostility started around the time that Mom's husband (whom the child only met on 2 other occasions in the last year since he and the mom met) moved in. Or, as Dad believes might be the case, Mom is trying to support the lies she fed the husband about how horrible a person Dad is, and is setting Dad up to fail so that she can continue her story now that Hubby is around 24/7. Who really knows, right?

    In the end, we just need to find the best way to deal with it. It's not a completely new phenomenon as Mom has been super controlling from the very beginning (i.e., demanding to know the texture, colour and frequency of the child's every bowel movement when he was an infant, as well as every morsel of food that was fed to him, etc.) but it had settled down around the time the child started school, and then things were good when a judge ordered her to back off. But all of a sudden, the craziness started back up again.

    We don't even want to think about cars or college! Trying to take it one day at a time, one step at a time. If only to save our sanity.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Maggie82 View Post
      Yikes, Rockscan. Sorry to hear. But I can sympathize. And I would consider that a win too. It's for a very similar reason that a judge ordered "email communication only" in hopes of giving Dad some peace. It has been a saving grace. For a while, Mom tried to bypass it and called and left voicemails nonstop (not informative voicemails, but angry ones demanding a call back if Dad "cared at all" about his son). Upon the advice of our lawyer, Dad simply EMAILED Mom back with "In response to your voicemail left at [time] on [date]..." This only made matters worse for a while but eventually she began abiding by the court order and communicating over email. (Again, this went back to control and her wanting to control how "she" communicated... and not have a judge order her to communicate in a certain way.)

      I can't imagine what people did before email! Eeeeeek!

      So I see that there really is little hope for putting a controlling/entitled parent in their place, huh? You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
      The only thing currently helping my ex is Meds...

      She was adamant that she couldn't communicate via email and HAD to call me. There were many reasons... No access to email, to much data on her phone, no computer, the list goes on. But then she wanted Email Money Transfers for her Child Support... Those get cashed in 15 minutes... Apparently her email does work.

      I had to block her from texting me and for a while forwarded all her calls to voicemail and responded to the voicemail via email just as your lawyer suggested. She finally got the hint.
      Last edited by FB_; 08-22-2014, 03:54 PM.

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      • #18
        Should the ex complain about things like "could" vs "should" I would simply respond via email stating that you "apologize about the inconsistency and that sometimes messages get lost in translation when repeated. That it wasn't your intention to misguide her, as you were making a good faith attempt to repeat what had been told to you."

        And then leave it at that. No judge would construe such obvious minor matters as being an attempt to mislead the ex or undermine them. If you ex responds with a typical HC reply, simply create a folder called "stupid box" and move the message there.

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        • #19
          Yes HammerDads right... complaints in the "stupid box"

          Mom brought "change"...by bringing a Man in the house around the Man-Cub...Mom just wants to make sure there's no change in her "agreement"
          although she herself has made "life choices"

          MOM will soon here....YOUR NOT MY FATHER....I'M GOING TO LIVE AT DADS...SLAM!

          add the stupid box contents...to a Judge asking the Man-Cub where he wants to live.....see what happens.

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          • #20
            Who needs a "stupid box" when you have an entire email account dedicated to stupidity? Yup, an email address for the sole purpose of communicating with the mom. (And, as the need arises, with our lawyer regarding the mom.)

            Can you imagine what it would be like if the child came to live with Dad? Mom would be calling every teacher, instructor, tutor, doctor, neighbour, etc., on a weekly basis to insert herself in every single aspect of the child's life.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
              P.S. My partner started putting his foot down on the high conflict and now hasnt really spoken to his ex in more than two sentences that are polite and legally appropriate. Sure its led to more hc with his kids but hes put his foot down there and set strict boundaries on moms attitude and reality. So far its working with a few minor blips so we're taking it as a win. At least the screaming phone calls with a hang up after shes done have stopped.
              How's that working out for your partner? When was the last time his kids have spent time with him?

              OP - nothing you have written appears to me to be communications that a parent wouldn't be entitled to. You set up the parenting system so that both parents are involved. And, frankly, there is a big difference between "could" and "should". For instance, our kidlet was in a Gr. 2/3 split, then a 3/4 split, and then the school initiated discussions of which grades would be skipped, based on "could"/"should". And on each occasion I made it very clear to ex that he needed to be involved in that decision, made arrangements to speak with teachers, etc. Why wouldn't you share the appropriate information with the other parent? Does your partner lack communication skills? Actually -- why isn't he here - does he have an account?
              Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by mcdreamy View Post
                How's that working out for your partner? When was the last time his kids have spent time with him?

                He sees them next weekend. His ex controls the schedule of activities in the summer. And it was his therapist who specializes in alienation and estrangement who recommended it. Funny, when he stood up to them about how much time they spend with everyone BUT him, they agreed they needed to make an effort.

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