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  • #16
    Your 14 year old will come around. They're full of hormones at this age and their peers are their entire universe. Whatever you do don't pressure her to stand up to her mom, it' just not fair to put them in the middle.

    Mom says nasty things about you = Ignore it and let your behavior/access time prove her wrong without even bringing any of it up. Any PAS/Access denials, etc deal with in court only.

    After a bunch of fun, positive visits (hate that word) with your kids, they will eventually tell their mom to shut up when she spits venom about you. If you bring stuff up, are hard on them, etc .. you're falling in to mom's trap. Don't do it.

    Work for 50/50 of D8, if mom's wheel barrel of denials and proven PAS habits are significant enough. Your other kids will follow.

    CAS had to tell mom to calm down on the PAS-like stuff right? Did you run to the court house and get an order for disclosure from CAS of that GOLDEN document?
    Last edited by LovingFather32; 08-13-2016, 10:06 AM.

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    • #17
      Tayken is right, if you don't see this as mostly a popularity contest - you're clueless.

      Kids still want their parents to be parents I think - but they want to be around the happy, positive, better parent....

      Personally I would work on the positivity of the relationship with the kids and at the same time I would go to court over custody if there was an "unfair" status quo against me then if my kid complained why I was doing it or they didn't want to live with them I would explain to them that whether they like it or not they need me as their father in their lives to help, guide and teach them. The fact they don't care (or prefer NOT to live with me) means there is already a problem and I am not going to sit back and let it get worse. However, that is a oone time discussion and the rest of the time is making their time with me awesome in whatever way I can.

      The whole "Standing up" thing, DO NOT make your kids do it. When my ex talks trash about to me my kids, I just say "It's ok, ignore it" and I change topic. My kids see my my ex as evil and stupid when she does that. Soldiers don't send kids to fight their battles.... you fight it. You sound like a coward "My kids should stand up to her".....

      This all presumes you aren't a dick and a crappy parent. If you are, well then you made your bed and lay in it.

      My intuition of you so far on this forum makes me think is that you don't have what it takes to win this popularity contest. This is a war and if you don't plan, strategize, manage your emotions, other people's emotions , responses, etc.... you're just a lemming running off a cliff.

      You either need breasts or brains to win and you seem not to have either
      Last edited by Links17; 08-13-2016, 12:12 PM.

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      • #18
        Links' post might be a bit hard to hear. He gave some tough love. A lot of good points though.
        For teens, unfortunately it is a popularity contest. The below is true.
        Originally posted by Links17 View Post
        Kids still want their parents to be parents I think - but they want to be around the happy, positive, better parent....
        My ex wrote in the communication book once that D5 told her Mamey (her mom) "Don't say that about my daddy. I love my daddy". My ex assumed I trained her to say that. Nope. Whenever D5 came to me and said anything I did exactly as Link's described..."Ignore it hunny, Daddy loves you"...then do something really fun. Our reactions speak louder than anything.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Links17 View Post
          Tayken is right, if you don't see this as mostly a popularity contest - you're clueless.

          Kids still want their parents to be parents I think - but they want to be around the happy, positive, better parent....
          Of course Tayken is right. I knew from the whole beginning that this was a popularity contest. Problem is the money. I'm the big earner paying full CS because of that false Status quo so mom gets big free reward for that. Plus, with her self-employed daycare at home, she declare a net of 21K out of a gross 45K so her child allowance credits under the new Trudeaumania regime for 3 kids, she gets the maximum benefits per month. Leading her to have more than 1800$ of NDI than me per month. It gives her wings to buy gifts, travel, eat outside, go to movies and precisely... the luxury to spend more time with them - 96%/month.

          After I've paid my mortgage, my expenses and CS, I can barely buy myself a coffee at TimHortons. And my legal bills are escalating.... So I do what I can to motivate my kids and have some fun with no $$$ and with the little 4% of access I have right now with them. So we play games, play PS3, they each have an iPad with unlimited WiFi access, we use the hot tub... but until I get my equity and more time with them -- overnights for instance, I am doomed to stick to what I can only afford and schedule.

          Originally posted by Links17 View Post
          Personally I would work on the positivity of the relationship with the kids and at the same time I would go to court over custody if there was an "unfair" status quo against me then if my kid complained why I was doing it or they didn't want to live with them I would explain to them that whether they like it or not they need me as their father in their lives to help, guide and teach them. The fact they don't care (or prefer NOT to live with me) means there is already a problem and I am not going to sit back and let it get worse. However, that is a oone time discussion and the rest of the time is making their time with me awesome in whatever way I can.
          This is where I'm standing right now. Children's advocate was here today, she met with each kids at my house and then talked to me and my gf. She will then meet with us sometime this week before the motion. I am focusing on the fact that all my children needs my help with school issues, needs to spend more time with dad to minimize possible PAS and to keep contact with my side of the family.

          I think my little talk to D14 must have help a bit because she was very open, cuddling like she never did and she admitted that I was right about my concerns, and her mom thought the same so she put an end to a relationship (mostly texting) with a "wrong guy".

          Originally posted by Links17 View Post
          The whole "Standing up" thing, DO NOT make your kids do it. When my ex talks trash about to me my kids, I just say "It's ok, ignore it" and I change topic. My kids see my my ex as evil and stupid when she does that. Soldiers don't send kids to fight their battles.... you fight it. You sound like a coward "My kids should stand up to her".....

          This all presumes you aren't a dick and a crappy parent. If you are, well then you made your bed and lay in it.
          What I like about my kids is that I don't need to tell them that what mom say about me is wrong because they don't report it since I've told them I don't want to here anything about it. They remember and they know they must not report anything bad coming from their mother. They can talk about good things they've done with their mother I have no problem with that but has to be very limited.

          I can tell you though, at 16 yo, I would have never let one of my parent take over my feelings and emotions just to be a pawn to satisfy their own interest. My mom was very calm and passive, my dad was very strict and hard, but I loved them both equally no matter what.

          Being said, at 14-16 yo, children have a say in custody. So they must stand up and express what they really want in front of their mother. They must stop the betrayal of going against her wishes and they should think about what is best for them.

          Originally posted by Links17 View Post
          My intuition of you so far on this forum makes me think is that you don't have what it takes to win this popularity contest. This is a war and if you don't plan, strategize, manage your emotions, other people's emotions , responses, etc.... you're just a lemming running off a cliff.
          My intuition to me is that you seem so confident after winning battles in court that you allow yourself to lower the efforts of others without recognizing that each case is different. That may be the case. Knowing that you were married to a crazy crunches who was very contentious is undoubtedly the ultimate reason you have excelled in your cause and deserved the title of "Hand of Justice"? If I would be married to the sister of your ex, I could probably more easily win my case?

          I know I am only in the middle or still maybe at the beginning of my litigant case but I would not call my ex to be as contentious as yours. If I recall, most of the male who were successful with their case were dealing with an ex who did not only multiple errors, but were more than crazy vicious contentious nefarious and capricious low self esteemed woman. Truly, that would help in any case. My STBX committed some errors but I wish she could become a little craziest as yours so I could gain a lot more.

          Originally posted by Links17 View Post
          You either need breasts or brains to win and you seem not to have either
          Wake up Links17, you don't only need the brains... were talking about Family Court System. You also need the $$$$$$.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
            Links' post might be a bit hard to hear. He gave some tough love. A lot of good points though.
            For teens, unfortunately it is a popularity contest. The below is true.


            My ex wrote in the communication book once that D5 told her Mamey (her mom) "Don't say that about my daddy. I love my daddy". My ex assumed I trained her to say that. Nope. Whenever D5 came to me and said anything I did exactly as Link's described..."Ignore it hunny, Daddy loves you"...then do something really fun. Our reactions speak louder than anything.
            Yes I know but not only the popularity. The stability and the assurance plays a big role. Being in the same house, in their same bedroom, in the same neighborhood, close to their school and friends will definitely have an impact on their wishes. I could only afford a house at 20 km away from their school so the distance and the new location is a challenge for them to accept. I assured them that they would still attend the same school, still see their friends or their friends could come here but all seems uncertain for them.

            After the motion this week, I'm sure I will gain more access grrrrr should say "parental time" with my kids and I will be more confident and willing to redo the activities we were doing when we were living together. I can't wait to have a movie night with them or have D8 standing near my bed and waiting for me to do her breakfast.

            Like you mentioned lately LF32, I will work definitely to have shared custody 50/50 with D8 even if D14 and S16 decides to stay with their mother despite the fact that I am challenging the Court that they need more framing with school issues and more discipline.

            The lawyer for the children was here today. She spoke to each of the children alone for 30 minutes and then with me and my gf. She stated that she had some concerns from the other party as she already met with my ex and the children at her end. Were suppose to meet sometime this week with my lawyer for her recommendations, comments and advices. I will definitely PM you if I feel the outcomes needs to be challenged is some ways.

            Don't worry, Links must be hard on me but never like the court system.

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            • #21
              Careful with limiting what the kids are and aren't allowed to tell you. Sometimes they just need a safe place to spill what's going on with them and things tbat are steessing them out - even if it means you have to hear crappy things mom said about you. If they don't have a place yo get those things out they just carry it ariund with them and that can be damaging.

              The proper response is always " I'm sorry you had to hear that. I love you very much and that will never change."

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              • #22
                I'm curious. You separated in December 2014. When did the girlfriend come into the picture? How is that working with the kids?

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                • #23
                  and is she hot? upgrade or downgrade?

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                    and is she hot? upgrade or downgrade?
                    This is extremely pertinent, relevant info.
                    (entertaining nonetheless)

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by arabian View Post
                      I'm curious. You separated in December 2014. When did the girlfriend come into the picture? How is that working with the kids?
                      Separated in October 2014. My gf came into the picture in Feb 2015 and she was introduced to my kids during an Easter Breakfast at the restaurant in April. It's only at the end of June 2015 that they were really in contact with her as I started to have some parental time with them at my new house. Only for 5 Sundays in a row. Then, just since March 2016 for 4% per month.

                      The kids like her an enjoy spending time with her family as they are all in the surrounding. D14 had already connected with my sister in law's daughter and she calls her a Step-cousin. They are inseparable when they are together. I've asked to have my parental time the same weekend that my sister in law has her daughter so they can spend more time together at the last motion but my ex told the Justice she prefer to stick to the same schedule without providing any reasons. I am requesting it in a schedule as there is only a temporary one at this time.

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                      • #26
                        just out of curiosity, are you asking for and getting any telephone conversations with the kids during the week?

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by trinton View Post
                          just out of curiosity, are you asking for and getting any telephone conversations with the kids during the week?
                          Kids are really to texting these days. We basically communicate through iMessage between their iPods and my iPhone. I only get messages from them when they really needs something as their mother monitors and refrain them from contacting me. When they do, they do it secretly.

                          To call me, they would have to use her cellular so they don't. She controls everything and the children are being controlled (abused).

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                          • #28
                            I would call and ask to speak to them. If her cell phone is the only phone then so be it. Set up a regular time that you will call them.

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                            • #29
                              Like I said, she prevents children from being in contact with me. She won't answer the phone or just say that they do not want to speak with me. Even by texting, I do not get a reply and it's bad since I just texted when I really need to know something pertaining to them before they come at my place.

                              Contact is an issue and was addressed but not yet resolved since she continues to withhold access and parenting time.

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                              • #30
                                Send friendly and kind text messages asking for phone calls, save them and her responses and you could present them to the judge as evidence, be very polite in all communications, she can and she will use them against you, be smart about it. Don't go overboard harassing her but I would say every other day would be reasonable. Also don't go overboard with it causing yourself grief and stress. Focus on yourself, have counseling, take parenting courses, and try to get yourself a lawyer if you already don't have one, at the very least book an hour off to speak with a lawyer or 2 lawyers, good lawyers that is, female lawyers generally understand women and some of the games they play better than we do and would be of great help. They are generally equally interested in successfully representing father's.

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