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  • Communication protocol

    Question:
    Joint custody and one parent breaches agreement regularly by making unilateral decisions about schools, religion, medical etc.
    This causes escalating conflict.
    Other parent tries to get into mediation, counselling etc. adn insists on compliance with joint decision making.
    Breaching parent is abusive so other parent says no more emails/text/phone (as is in communication protocol) until abuse stops. Asks for written communication instead.
    Breaching parent sues for sole custody saying communication has broken down so claims sole custody.
    You be the judge.

  • #2
    I’d say you were doing all the right things, and it’s clear other parent wants to pretend you don’t exist.

    Comment


    • #3
      I exist as long as I comply and do not insist on joint parenting. I picked my hills to die on very carefully. Noone is ever blameless and I was guilty of pushing back but always as respectfully as possible. Stay tuned.

      Comment


      • #4
        Did you get your decision yet?

        Comment


        • #5
          Why would email and texting not be considered to be written communication?

          Comment


          • #6
            Email was to be primary mode
            Became volatile
            I insisted on letters until respectful communication was maintained
            This was not respected despite provision in agreement to walk away from disrespectful communication
            Part of a long period of unneeded acrimony.

            Comment


            • #7
              I fail to understand the difference between email and written letter.

              My situation is acrimonious as well, and my ex refuses to respond via written form as she is aware she is acting like a controlling bully....and is afraid of how she looks in paper trail. Rather she telephones me to respond, with back up due to me electing to email her rather than call, and then verbally bullies/guilts me into caving into allowing her to get away with her nonsense crap. FML

              Abba are you still in the court process? Your initial message sounds like your ex is re-opening custody claiming she cannot work with you as parents
              Last edited by LovingDad1234; 04-25-2020, 10:18 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                The abuse in email and text was ridiculous and exhausting
                Back and forth , lies, insults, toxic
                So I from time to time would refuse and insist on letters oniy to preserve my sanity
                Their claim was entirely based on my periodic refusals to email as was in the agreement communication clause. Same clause provided you could suspend communication if it was contentious and resume later. So I was not in strict compliance.
                They argued communication was contentious
                But they including a highly adversarial lawyer caused 95% of the acrimony especially by insisting they had unilateral rights.
                Incredibly her lawyer said this in writing that the agreement was voidable. But never made any claim to void. My life c relied on that insane advice.
                Still waiting for the ruling
                Last edited by Abba435; 04-26-2020, 06:49 AM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Sorry to hear you are having difficulties with ex. You may wish to consider only using Our Family Wizard. There is a nominal cost but the program includes a tone meter to correct negative communication.

                  She is going for sole because SHE cannot be grown up enough to talk like a responsible parent with the other parent? She causes the conflict and then turns around and says joint custody isn’t working? Judges smell this from 10 miles away and she will lose. Trying to punish kids and get rewarded for bad behaviour....lots of case law calls this out

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Trial was in early March
                    What a waste of time
                    We tried OFW 4 years ago and it was
                    just another venue to slag me at every opportunity and drag simple things out
                    I do not have clean hands as out of extreme frustration with this and other issues I stopped ss trying to force mediation
                    That backfired. But it was after the train wrecks that were pretty much daily.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      How does she communicate with you then, does she have to send a letter through the post office?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        On a few occasions between 2015 and 2019 I chose to suspend email when it was damaging
                        I would only communicate by posted letter to avoid mayhem
                        When mayhem ceased email would resume
                        When mayhem resumed I refused email and said letters only

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Abba435 View Post
                          Breaching parent is abusive so other parent says no more emails/text/phone (as is in communication protocol) until abuse stops. Asks for written communication instead.
                          Breaching parent sues for sole custody saying communication has broken down so claims sole custody.
                          You be the judge.
                          I think I have gathered enough information to judge, as you requested.

                          First of all I would like to point out that you get very upset on this forum when a response is given that does not conform with your expectations. You do listen (I noticed that you never really referred to the hurt feelings of your new wife ever again) but you likely have a low bar for what you consider to be "abusive".

                          When your ex sends you an email or a text that you consider to be inappropriate, you demand that she communicate with you by... posted letter.

                          Honestly Abba, that's crazy. I have been on this forum (and other divorce forums) for many years and I have never heard of any parent demanding that a parent communicate by posted letter.

                          I think it is very possible that a judge would consider a situation where the only communication between parents was by snail mail to be completely and utterly broken. As the judge, I would either institute a parallel parenting custodial situation, or I would grant sole custody to one of the parents. Most probably the latter because even in parallel parenting some level of communication is required.

                          Abba, my ex used to say terrible things to me all the time by email. I categorized it, saved it, and responded if necessary. Her words could only hurt her. They had no effect on me, why would they? You need to allow your ex to send you emails... and then simply ignore most of them. If you cannot handle that then get a trusted friend to only forward you the ones that matter.

                          I think that you might actually end up with an order for sole custody against you if you don't change.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Communication protocol

                            Originally posted by Janus View Post
                            Abba, my ex used to say terrible things to me all the time by email. I categorized it, saved it, and responded if necessary. Her words could only hurt her. They had no effect on me, why would they? You need to allow your ex to send you emails... and then simply ignore most of them. If you cannot handle that then get a trusted friend to only forward you the ones that matter.
                            I’m posting for the sake of future readers of this thread...

                            This is one of the best pieces of advice I have gotten from this forum. It also goes along with the advice “is this the hill to die on”.

                            When my husband and I first started dating he was over a year out of his divorce and three years from his split. He had endured endless accusations and slurs (if you will) lobbed at him. They cut deep and he had trouble ignoring them. Having watched him lose his cool several times over them I recommended he let me help him by reading the emails and then determining what needed a response. We also began to institute a “break” before responding. Her emails continued to be abusive and his kids would follow suit. He felt he needed to defend himself but finally understood what I was saying when I told him he didn’t need to give her the satisfaction. The nasty emails never got used in court. She continued to fill her court documents with garbage even after a judge at a motion called her out on the garbage. Nothing stopped her because the problem was with her not my husband.

                            If you have an ex who insists on sending these types of emails you can ignore them. Or if there is an urgent demand in it simply respond to that. There is no need to get down in the dirt with you ex or mudsling with them. The problem is with them not you. Forcing them to speak to you in a manner you want will never happen and speaks to a control issue you can’t force. Read the email, shake your head at their stupidity and file it away in a folder. If it has a request, respond to that with a simple yes or no. Truly it bothers them more when they get zero response. This is one of the first things you learn in therapy—the other person is seeking a reaction, when they don’t get it they don’t know what to do with themselves.

                            As a great therapist always said to “you cannot change other people’s behaviour, you can only change how you react to it.”

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Very well said rockscan

                              I teach my kids never fight with a pig, everyone gets filthy and the pig lives it

                              It is extremely hard to turn off the mayhem. Especially when it involves blatant lies.

                              I believe it is critical to correct lies in a brief,firm, factual and friendly way

                              Email is like social media. Trigger finger can do a lot of damage.

                              That is why I pushed for letters other than in emergencies.

                              It makes people choose their words carefully.
                              I believe that it should be an option when either parent choooses other than for emergencies.

                              That said, allowing abuse to continue unchecked is very hard to do.

                              Comment

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