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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #21  
Old 08-01-2022, 04:38 PM
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Tayken Tayken is offline
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Originally Posted by Bogdan View Post
Yep .. 2 reasonable parents wouldn't need this type of extensive Custody Agreement. But most likely atleast one person is BPD/NPD where every single possible ambiguity ideally needs to be locked down or it's just going to cause more conflict.

There really needs to be easier access to a stock / templated Custody Agreements that have all the possible conflict prone scenarios locked down.
I disagree. Most of these arrangements are linked to anxious parents and not a Axis-II disorder of the personality. In many cases these long winded and very tightly wound agreements are to manage parental anxiety and to protect the parent who is not an anxious parent.

These are parents that "see small red bumps" all over their children when even a medical professional does not. For these kinds of parents often they need rules to contain their anxiety.

I have only see 1 personality disordered person in a court room. They had 2 trials and changed the face of 50-50 custody and access (positive change) for men in the province of Ontario. That person used to interact with this forum and the other parent. We all watched it unfold and helped the father in that matter navigate the legal system and how to successfully defend himself.

I have observed MANY cases are driven by:

1. Greed
2. Revenge
3. Stupid people
4. Anxious stupid people
5. Anxious parents
6. Stupid anxious parents
7. Lack of education / understanding

See: https://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/...ad.php?t=19845

Quote:
In the shadowy corners of the internet lives a subset of breakup listicles designed to help you diagnose your ex-partners’ psychopathology. Oh, you didn’t know this was a thing? It totally is a thing. According to several recent pieces on sites like the Huffington Post and Thought Catalog, almost everyone who ever dumped you had a personality disorder. These articles will walk you through the process of deciding just how “crazy” your ex was. Borderline Personality Disorder is used to label someone who seems too emotional, OCPD is assigned to those who can’t compromise, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder explain the behavior of someone who doesn’t care about you anymore. “I dated someone just like this!” flood the comment sections of these articles as readers recount their ex’s symptoms.
Good Luck!
Tayken
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  #22  
Old 08-01-2022, 04:42 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Agreed. A lot of people assume their ex has a mental illness when its really just anger or lack of control. Look at the background to your split and what decisions were made. If the ex was not happy about it or was focused on controlling things or getting back at you, that feeds the actions not a personality disorder.
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  #23  
Old 08-01-2022, 04:47 PM
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not for the sake of arguing, but as kids get older and more involved into sport of their choice, they could have that hockey 9 times a week instead of once, and what's even more exciting is that club to keep you on your toes would keep changing schedule, location etc. Besides, number of items going with kid every couple days would make it nightmare - you didn't divorce to meet your ex with that hockey gear bag few times a week.
You won't ever be able to participate in an advanced sports program or drama/theater program that requires regular and consistent attendance if one or both of the parents are "high conflict". So, in my humble opinion this opinion is moot because either one or both of the high conflict parents will get the child tossed from the program.

House League "A" and Competitive "AA/AAA" levels of hockey are limited and there are more than enough children feeding into these levels of hockey by silly parents chasing a dream that only has a 0.01% chance of success that programs/coaches don't need a high conflict parent (angry divorced) on the team.

House league levels of hockey have to truly deal with the arguments in the halls, the throwing of equipment, screaming of kids being late for practices and games etc... They generally can't throw kids out. If a convener knows a team has a player that has high conflict parents they usually put more players on the team to cover the absence when the parents eventually fight over hockey. Trust me. I have seen this 1000 times.

Team sports are great but, often, for young children they are not the only family member participating. Parents need to get along, get organized and get over their shit if they want their child to participate.

If you have that much conflict... Put your kids in the swimming program on your night of the week and accept the fact that they probably aren't in the 0.01% going to the NHL and buy a lotto ticket. You have better chances to win their college/university tuition that way.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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  #24  
Old 08-01-2022, 08:40 PM
Brampton33 Brampton33 is offline
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Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
This is conflict making scenario. Avoid avoid avoid. You should exchange the sick child at the start of school to the other parent.
.
You clearly don't know my ex. She is the definition of high-conflict. It drives her insane that our kids are 1/2 time with me. To the point where she wants regular check-ins with me to ensure I am always doing things her way. She believes she is the "primary" parent and time with me is "visits". If I were to bring sick kids to her in the morning, she would try to make a deal about my judgement in that the kids are not that sick....or suggest that they sleep terribly at my place compared to hers. Anything to dig at me and my parenting; suggesting the kids should be with her fulltime. My ex cannot see that she is a huge problem, and the detriment it causes to our kids.
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  #25  
Old 08-01-2022, 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Brampton33 View Post
You clearly don't know my ex. She is the definition of high-conflict. It drives her insane that our kids are 1/2 time with me. To the point where she wants regular check-ins with me to ensure I am always doing things her way. She believes she is the "primary" parent and time with me is "visits". If I were to bring sick kids to her in the morning, she would try to make a deal about my judgement in that the kids are not that sick....or suggest that they sleep terribly at my place compared to hers. Anything to dig at me and my parenting; suggesting the kids should be with her fulltime. My ex cannot see that she is a huge problem, and the detriment it causes to our kids.

Why do you care or entertain her comments? Drop the kids off and go to work. Ignore her emails. The only reason she does it is because it bothers you. Stop giving her the satisfaction.


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  #26  
Old 08-02-2022, 04:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
I disagree. Most of these arrangements are linked to anxious parents and not a Axis-II disorder of the personality. In many cases these long winded and very tightly wound agreements are to manage parental anxiety and to protect the parent who is not an anxious parent.

I have only see 1 personality disordered person in a court room. They had 2 trials and changed the face of 50-50 custody and access (positive change) for men in the province of Ontario. That person used to interact with this forum and the other parent. We all watched it unfold and helped the father in that matter navigate the legal system and how to successfully defend himself.

Good Luck!
Tayken
Yes I agree that where few people will actually get properly and clinically diagnosed (MMPI2 + psychologist) .. but I would argue it's often more to do with parties like that never allowing the tests in the first place (so a lot of people are just undiagnosed).

Call it Anxious, Stupid, Greedy, Anger Issues, Abandonment Issues, NPD, BPD , bat sh** crazy ... etc .. and doesn't matter EOD. It's still high conflict regardless (undiagnosed personality disorder or otherwise) .. a super tight contract is needed, and it frequently won't be followed anyways.

Sane people don't litigate to the degree we are talking about.

Heck even with a proper diagnosis (like in my case) .. it still won't matter EOD. You're dealing with crazy, you're stuck with it for next 18+ years of your life, these people will never change (at best you just learn to ignore them more), and short of some really rare exceptions the court doesn't care one bit (even if you have the tests to prove it).

Good luck Brampton.
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  #27  
Old 08-02-2022, 05:02 AM
Bogdan Bogdan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
If you have that much conflict... Put your kids in the swimming program on your night of the week and accept the fact that they probably aren't in the 0.01% going to the NHL and buy a lotto ticket. You have better chances to win their college/university tuition that way.
100% agree .. with high conflict, avoid doing alternating weeks especially when your kids are young (i.e. and you're taking them to extra-curriculars).

The 2/2/5/5 split mentioned is the way to go to reduce conflict and back+worth.
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  #28  
Old 08-02-2022, 09:07 AM
Brampton33 Brampton33 is offline
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Originally Posted by Bogdan View Post
100% agree .. with high conflict, avoid doing alternating weeks especially when your kids are young (i.e. and you're taking them to extra-curriculars).
For my case, there was strong inclinations at alienation. My ex essentially wanted to remove me entirely from our kids' lives and go about her business as if I never existed. In that regard, the OCL and lawyers agreed that a 2-2-3 was best suited. So that mom does not have a week of brainwashing kids. It is hard for the notion of "Dad is terrible" to sink in when you see dad every few days and see he isn't.

My thoughts are to leave parenting schedule as is for now....summer is almost over anyway. If we were to change schedule down the line, it would be 2-2-5-5 with 9am exchange times. I would also include precise exchange locations. No more "Hi, we are at the cottage, can you come pick up the kids? Or otherwise they can stay an extra night with me and I'll drop them off tomorrow morning". Yes, that has happened.
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  #29  
Old 08-02-2022, 10:39 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
I disagree. Most of these arrangements are linked to anxious parents and not a Axis-II disorder of the personality. In many cases these long winded and very tightly wound agreements are to manage parental anxiety and to protect the parent who is not an anxious parent.

These are parents that "see small red bumps" all over their children when even a medical professional does not. For these kinds of parents often they need rules to contain their anxiety.

I have only see 1 personality disordered person in a court room. They had 2 trials and changed the face of 50-50 custody and access (positive change) for men in the province of Ontario. That person used to interact with this forum and the other parent. We all watched it unfold and helped the father in that matter navigate the legal system and how to successfully defend himself.

I have observed MANY cases are driven by:

1. Greed
2. Revenge
3. Stupid people
4. Anxious stupid people
5. Anxious parents
6. Stupid anxious parents
7. Lack of education / understanding

See: https://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/...ad.php?t=19845



Good Luck!
Tayken
It me!

I am said Stupid Anxious Parent....I'll qualify that I have a kid who's lips swell double their size for a multitude of allergies. And my ex definitely has a some kind of mental health issue.

However- in addition to agreeing with what tayken and blink have posted as to the exchanges and times- I highly encourage people with high conflict situations, and/or jerk face exes, and/or who are also anxious to include very detailed outlines as to what to do in cases where kid(s) needs to go to emergency room, see doctors outside of regular checkups, pick up routine medications, etc etc etc....our agreement says who will take d5- how to notify the other parent; if routine checkup falls on her dad's time- he gets extra time to make it up, etc etc. It sounds insane- but it has helped a number of times to just point to the agreement in case of a conflict.
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  #30  
Old 08-02-2022, 02:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Why do you care or entertain her comments? Drop the kids off and go to work. Ignore her emails. The only reason she does it is because it bothers you. Stop giving her the satisfaction.

I did exactly that with my ex when she was interrupting into my parenting time. Only thing she decided to write about it via her lawyer to my lawyer, and also communicate in court about it - at the end did cost some extra legal fees on both ends with absolutely no result achieved.
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