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  • Looking for Input - Result of OCL disclosure meeting

    Hello Community.....

    I have had my disclosure meeting and the OCL's position is as follows:

    1. EoW from Fri to Mon morning for me.
    2. Wed evening dinner during school and Wed stayovers during summer.
    2. Half all Holidays.
    3. 3 weeks (21 days) in summer.

    4. Primary residence and sole custody to mother.


    I am thinking of accepting this. My children need there dad back. I have the following comments and am asking for communities comments as well.

    1. Disclosure very one sided. It included a baseless police report where my stbx called the police to tell them I loosened her tire lug nuts. I nearly fell off my chair.

    2. They omitted police report where stbx threatened self harm or any of her other bad behavior.

    3. She claims to have no assets to the OCL. Why aren't the OCL verifying this ?

    4. OCL waited until school year started to further entrench the status quo. STBX up and took kids to Toronto.


    All in all seemed very on sided. Unfortunate, but the amount of access seems reasonable.

    My concern is custody. The children are all older than 10 years. Is custody a big deal ?

    My only concern is that she up and moves away again.


    Getting tired of this. Been two years now.

  • #2
    Why are the suggesting this?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Links17 View Post
      Why are the suggesting this?
      The relationship was high conflict and there was an incident of domestic violence. Kids saw it. Unfortunate and I have paid dearly. Believe me. I have taken responsibility.

      I am otherwise a decent hardworking man.

      For the record, there was bad behavior on both parents part. I seemed to implicitly be deemed the "dominant" aggressor.

      Trying my best.
      Last edited by plainNamedDad44; 09-22-2014, 05:25 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Just on the basis of a single incident - what was it a single hit or something of long duration?

        Did you get a psych evaluation done?

        Did you do anger management or any other rehab to their liking?

        I'd be damned if I let a single incident define my entire life....

        I'm not sure about if you're the dominant aggressor or not but if you don't think you are then you should get a psych evaluation done to prove otherwise and if you "ARE" then you go to rehab or whatever else is necessary to fix that - thats what you do if you want your kids.

        Lol, My ex through a knife at my kids and child protection said its fine as long as they aren't scared of her....

        She burnt my son with a steam iron by accident, they said fine.
        Last edited by Links17; 09-22-2014, 05:48 PM.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Links17 View Post
          Just on the basis of a single incident - what was it a single hit or something of long duration?
          Once incident.

          Did you get a psych evaluation done?
          yes - very positive.

          Did you do anger management or any other rehab to their liking?
          3 course, one 16 weeks, one 8 weeks, one 6 weeks. Perfect attendance.

          I'd be damned if I let a single incident define my entire life....

          I'm not sure about if you're the dominant aggressor or not but if you don't think you are then you should get a psych evaluation done to prove otherwise and if you "ARE" then you go to rehab or whatever else is necessary to fix that - thats what you do if you want your kids.

          Lol, My ex through a knife at my kids and child protection said its fine as long as they aren't scared of her....

          She burnt my son with a steam iron by accident, they said fine.
          thanks for input and non judgment.

          Comment


          • #6
            Are you doing anything to encourage the high conflict, are you rude, do you insult her, put her down in front of the kids etc....?

            This sounds like a shakedown - if you "Settle" you will be lumped into that percentage of people that never "contested" custody.

            There aren't that many things worth fighting for - but there are some hills made to die on.....

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by plainNamedDad44 View Post
              Hello Community.....

              I have had my disclosure meeting and the OCL's position is as follows:

              1. EoW from Fri to Mon morning for me.
              2. Wed evening dinner during school and Wed stayovers during summer.
              2. Half all Holidays.
              3. 3 weeks (21 days) in summer.

              4. Primary residence and sole custody to mother.


              I am thinking of accepting this. My children need there dad back.
              You have zero contact with your kids right now?

              No one here can tell you what to do.

              How important is it to you to have them a greater share of time?
              I am EOW Dad with basically what you describe.

              I still have a huge impact on my 9 year old boy.

              But I never miss weekend or mid-week. It's non-negotiable. I am there each and every time even if it means I have to call in sick to work or something.

              He gets ALOT of 1on1 time with Dad when he's here. To the point he just wishes I would let him alone to just play video games half the time.

              My very tumultuous relationship with my ex has calmed down somewhat, and now it's not uncommon at all that I take the boy for an event/night/weekend above and beyond the letter of our Order. In fact I never would have imagined the liberties I know have with his time, given how acrimonious things were at one time.

              So there is no right answer.

              Soon, your kids will be of age they will tell the Judge where they want to live - and that will be the final word.

              It's all relative.
              Last edited by wretchedotis; 09-22-2014, 07:07 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                You sound like you've paid your dues. You're honest and owned up to everything, took responsibility for your actions and took the necessary steps to better yourself.
                A friend of a friend was hit over the head with a vacuum by his ex wife and she got sole. Knocked him out and everything. When he regained consciousness he called the police. They basically laughed because it was a vacuum. He never raised a finger to her in his life. He's still EOW. He fought it hard too.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I would put an offer that pushes that envelope a bit. Why take what OCL has to offer?

                  View the OCL recommended as the worst it can get for you.

                  If put yourself in the other sides shoes they want to avoid trial too and if your offer is only a little bit better than what is finally ordered (and only if this goes to trial) then it's unlikely costs will be ordered.

                  You don't have to seek 50/50 (although I've read cases where there has been physical, the guy goes through AM classes and the judge says ok he's on par again")

                  A judge sees you are generally accepting but want say half the summer and sleep overs Wednesdays...I can hardly think that makes the other side "victorious" in court worthy of being awarded costs.

                  Then I would go hard in financial disclosure...assets, income not disclosed? This will exhaust the other side. I think you can at a minimum get over nights Wednesdays and more summer time

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    [QUOTE=Links17;181401]Are you doing anything to encourage the high conflict, are you rude, do you insult her, put her down in front of the kids etc....?[/QOUTE]

                    Absolutely not.


                    This sounds like a shakedown - if you "Settle" you will be lumped into that percentage of people that never "contested" custody.
                    Bingo !!!!

                    There aren't that many things worth fighting for - but there are some hills made to die on.....

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
                      You have zero contact with your kids right now?
                      No, EOW. 10am Sat to 4:30pm Sun. I drive 5 hrs to Toronto and then back and have done so for over a year.


                      No one here can tell you what to do.

                      How important is it to you to have them a greater share of time?
                      Emensely, entirely.

                      I am EOW Dad with basically what you describe.

                      I still have a huge impact on my 9 year old boy.

                      But I never miss weekend or mid-week. It's non-negotiable. I am there each and every time even if it means I have to call in sick to work or something.

                      He gets ALOT of 1on1 time with Dad when he's here. To the point he just wishes I would let him alone to just play video games half the time.

                      My very tumultuous relationship with my ex has calmed down somewhat, and now it's not uncommon at all that I take the boy for an event/night/weekend above and beyond the letter of our Order. In fact I never would have imagined the liberties I know have with his time, given how acrimonious things were at one time.

                      So there is no right answer.

                      Soon, your kids will be of age they will tell the Judge where they want to live - and that will be the final word.

                      It's all relative.

                      Thanks, your works are very encouraging.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        My mother spoke to an older man recently (older than me anyways) who had gotten divorced and gotten the EoW moron plan and the man told my mother to insist that I get shared custody because he said what happened eventually was that the kids wanted to go out with their friends on the weekends so now you become competition with the kids friends and so your relationship is relegated.... or resent might build up because they have to choose. Furthermore, at the end having shared custody means having a normal parental relationship with the kids including school, discipline, homework, fun etc.... EOW means you are an outsider/escapism entertainer.

                        Sure, one day the kids can decide but do you think the decision will be easier more respected if they NEVER lived with your or if for the next 4 years they did and then chose?

                        In regards to moving - the quebec jurisprudence is super clear. Unless the mother is moving to SPITE the father and there are no exceptional situations the mother will be allowed to move given it improves her circumstance - this means better job, marriage, family support etc..... As an access parent they will just shift your access to extended summers for example....

                        Are you planning to stay living 5 hours away from the kids?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Just in regards to the relegated comment and competition with the kids.

                          My suggestion is to be as close as possible to the house they live in. When they get to be 8-10 they will just say to mom...I'm going to dads for a minute.

                          Other than continuing to move there is nothing the other parent can really do about it.

                          Hell move next door...lol.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by FB_ View Post
                            Just in regards to the relegated comment and competition with the kids.

                            My suggestion is to be as close as possible to the house they live in. When they get to be 8-10 they will just say to mom...I'm going to dads for a minute.

                            Other than continuing to move there is nothing the other parent can really do about it.

                            Hell move next door...lol.
                            lol funny, my fiance and I joke about that all the time... there is a house beside his ex that has been for sale for a few years now, its now going pretty cheap... if we had jobs closer to the area (or could find one) we would buy it in a heart beat!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                              My mother spoke to an older man recently (older than me anyways) who had gotten divorced and gotten the EoW moron plan and the man told my mother to insist that I get shared custody because he said what happened eventually was that the kids wanted to go out with their friends on the weekends so now you become competition with the kids friends and so your relationship is relegated.... or resent might build up because they have to choose. Furthermore, at the end having shared custody means having a normal parental relationship with the kids including school, discipline, homework, fun etc.... EOW means you are an outsider/escapism entertainer.

                              Sure, one day the kids can decide but do you think the decision will be easier more respected if they NEVER lived with your or if for the next 4 years they did and then chose?

                              In regards to moving - the quebec jurisprudence is super clear. Unless the mother is moving to SPITE the father and there are no exceptional situations the mother will be allowed to move given it improves her circumstance - this means better job, marriage, family support etc..... As an access parent they will just shift your access to extended summers for example....

                              Are you planning to stay living 5 hours away from the kids?
                              No, will move. Just don't want her to move again.

                              Comment

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