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  • Teenage children wanting to live with their father

    I hope all is well.

    I had an older account that I could no longer access but this forum has always been a great support for the few questions/scenarios that I have asked. Thank you in advance.

    Looking for some advice as I am not looking to waste $$ with a lawyer and know that court bookings are extremely backed up. I am here as my previous common-law ex, separated back in 2009, will continue to be difficult here so I am hoping to get male and female perspective, if possible. Again, thank you.

    My oldest son is 16 and soon to be 17 years old. He has wanted to live with me and my wife for some time now but was afraid to let his mother know. Previously, my daughter, who was 14 at the time, actually told her, but it never amounted to nothing as my ex purchased her some new bedroom furniture etc.

    My oldest is willing to finish his senior year of high school with us and we've discussed all scenarios, shown him his potential school, what about his friends etc. He is fine with everything and is just looking to make the move. I live in another city, about 1h:20 min away but have never missed a week end pick-up or drop off, unless weather induced. My son had mentioned this to his mother and her response, which was the same for my daughter was, this is an adult conversation. Then, no conversation actually happens and things just go back into the current status quo.

    Now, I am old enough to now understand that a lawyer's letter etc means nothing as it is not binding etc, but the downside with my ex is that she receives a lot of support from myself and has government $$ plus she works. So while I've always been a supporter of, just happy for what the kids want, I'm not looking to get into a court battle over something that most likely wouldn't even get to court before he becomes 18 and secondly, may get pushed into court where my time and some money could be used in a non-productive way as it would be her simply trying to see if she could force him to stay with her.

    Sadly, she is very controlling, and while I know she loves our children, best interest means her and their best interest relating to her. My youngest son, 14 and I do not have a normal relationship because she allowed him to make the choice at a very tender age to simply stay home and play video games versus come with me.

    In the end, what is done is done but simply looking for any advice/strategies from others who may have been in the same boat and found success.

    Father of 3
    Joint custody - although she seriously acts like she has sole
    All financial dealings settled a long time ago
    I pay current utd CS
    My oldest son will be 17 in approximately 2 months

    His reason to move - as he gets older more and more of his interests align with mine. Sports, work, general interests etc. Simply put, he's outgrown where he is, sees the control and wants to make a change. I have told him that I will never stop him from seeing his mother, his friends, or spending time with his siblings etc. And if he finds he doesn't like it, can always go back no grudges or questions asked.

    He is ready for a change, which I support, but I know my ex will not. Anyone have any input here?

    Appreciate it!

  • #2
    There is a lot to this decision and you need to be prepared to deal with the blowback from your ex. Yes your son is old enough to decide but your ex may put up a fight. Regardless of what you do or say, she has a right to file whatever she wants in court (a serious drawback to the process as far as Im concerned).

    Your first step should be to advise your ex in writing that he has expressed interest in living with you and that you are aware she told him it was an adult conversation. Which is why you are sending this email. Tell her you are working on enrollment details for school and will be adjusting child support accordingly as of x date.

    And then see what she says. His life will be difficult until he moves as she will probably put up a fight. He will need to ignore her.

    If she is able to file your agreement with an enforcement agency, get your court forms ready as you will probably have to get a new order.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by rockscan View Post
      There is a lot to this decision and you need to be prepared to deal with the blowback from your ex. Yes your son is old enough to decide but your ex may put up a fight. Regardless of what you do or say, she has a right to file whatever she wants in court (a serious drawback to the process as far as Im concerned).

      Your first step should be to advise your ex in writing that he has expressed interest in living with you and that you are aware she told him it was an adult conversation. Which is why you are sending this email. Tell her you are working on enrollment details for school and will be adjusting child support accordingly as of x date.

      And then see what she says. His life will be difficult until he moves as she will probably put up a fight. He will need to ignore her.

      If she is able to file your agreement with an enforcement agency, get your court forms ready as you will probably have to get a new order.
      Thank you for the response, and yes, agree on multiple counts and I have been dealing with 'blowback' for many years now, sadly. However, the light is coming, with their ages, and I am not interested in participating in any legal commencements, even if she has that right. Ideally, our agreement, from 2012, really can't get any more minimal to me. Everything has already been completed and only CS remains which I am complete and utd, and always have been. So unless a judge could add a 'you're never allowed to move in with dad clause' I've already been dealing with absolute bottom anyhow.

      Question though - if he wants to leave, can she stop him? Would police interject given his age? Or stop me and tell me to bring him back? Even if she files, and it is her right, does that mean that he needs to stay with her though? I would never stop him from seeing her etc and would still ensure him that he sees her but at an age where he can simply run away, if he chooses to, it would seem silly that he would be bound to her place when there is no guarantee that it gets to court prior to 18 years of age or that an agreement her and I would come to, which most likely doesn't happen, without the need of a court.

      And if it did, and a decision is made that he needs to return home, I will respect that, but a threat, or potential threat of lawyer or court activity, doesn't much matter to me given the details. But it's the fact that he wants to come which is why it matters to me.

      Comment


      • #4
        At his age, if the police were called they would check in on him, make sure he is ok and that's about it. They won't fo4ce him to back, as Tayken always says " kids this age vote with their feet".

        Comment


        • #5
          I dont think the police will get involved as he is old enough. If she called them they would tell her that and not get involved.

          You will still need an order to update child support especially if she doesn’t agree.

          Your first step is telling her and going from there.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
            At his age, if the police were called they would check in on him, make sure he is ok and that's about it. They won't fo4ce him to back, as Tayken always says " kids this age vote with their feet".
            Thanks for sharing!!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
              I dont think the police will get involved as he is old enough. If she called them they would tell her that and not get involved.

              You will still need an order to update child support especially if she doesn�t agree.

              Your first step is telling her and going from there.
              Thanks for the response. Funny enough, in our agreement, CS was never actually included. I've always just provided the CS time tabled chart and we've done it that way ever since. I would just change it from 3 to 2 children and not worry about asking her for anything.

              And yes, I will let her know over email, always have. We're going away next month so I am not looking to send email any sooner than needed to avoid any repercussion on the two who are coming. She already knows that they are coming and agreed etc but no need to add fuel to the fire, yet.

              And I 100% already know how this will go, as I've gone through this with my daughter, politely emailed and she even called to tell her, she wanted to, so I know how her response will be. Which is why at the end of the day I am more concerned with my son and him being able to make his decision, even if she is upset and threatens this or that. Eventually time heals all but he knows that she won't be happy etc. He already brought it up to her a few months ago. I will be respectful, straight forward, continue to pay CS for 2, provide written notice etc. So long as I am able to pick him and make lawfully make the move I will deal with anything else along the way.

              Appreciate the insight and thank you.

              Comment


              • #8
                Then you’re sort of good!

                I feel for your kids. It isn’t easy living in a toxic home with a parent like that. I wish you all the luck!

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                • #9
                  I dont think a Judge would entertain a custody hearing regarding a 16/17 year old. I believe at 16 a child is free to choose to leave home and even live on their own if they want, and the age which they no longer require a legal guardian.

                  I think your problem maybe the guilt the other parent puts on the child for his decision. And a fractured relationship may follow. As a parent my only concern would be making this transition as stress free as it's his final year in high school and that should be his focus.

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                  • #10
                    As mentioned its a done deal and the court won't force a child back at that age. Cops won't deal with it and can't deal with it. (It is a civil matter.)

                    Ultimately, at 17 the child is an adult for the most part. So they should inform the other parent when they will be residing with you. You should be involved but, its time for the 17 year old.

                    Would you force a 17 year old to go to summer camp? (LOL) Can the summer camp demand that the child attend just because one parent signed them up to attend? Nope. Same rules apply here.

                    Does anyone want a 17 year old who doesn't want to be at your house at your house? Really? I mean kids grow up and move out. One year earlier than most do... Treat it like the kid is off to university/college.

                    Comment

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