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  • #31
    What people often forget is that if your only income is SS or CS you cannot pay into CPP. I agree that living in the moment is a big down-fall for people recently divorced. However, before you know it retirement is soon looking you in the face. Those little monthly CPP payments will make a big difference on one's ability to have a roof over their head sometime in the not-too-distant future for many, particularly if there were no retirement plans or if RRSPs were cashed in to pay lawyers.

    Another thing to consider is that laws have changed regarding RRSPs and debt to CRA. You can't amass RRSPs and owe CRA. It doesn't take long to rack up a CRA debt on spousal support which is 100% taxable. I wonder how often recipients of SS go back to court to get more SS simply to pay tax debt?

    I know in my situation I was left with a debt for our company. I had director's liability for this debt. Any perceived windfall from SS is simply not true, at least in my situation.

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    • #32
      I did not know that about CPP. However my husband voluntarily split his CPP credits with her. She has also been living with someone since a few months after their separation. So while she didn't contribute to CPP she'll get half of this guy's whether they remain together or not.

      It does boggle my mind why she hasn't done something in all these years. I suspect there is no desire to do more....kids are in school full time and have been for many years and as far as I know, she doesn't do anything at all. I keep reminding myself, it's not my worry.

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      • #33
        Originally posted by arabian View Post
        What people often forget is that if your only income is SS or CS you cannot pay into CPP. I agree that living in the moment is a big down-fall for people recently divorced. However, before you know it retirement is soon looking you in the face. Those little monthly CPP payments will make a big difference on one's ability to have a roof over their head sometime in the not-too-distant future for many, particularly if there were no retirement plans or if RRSPs were cashed in to pay lawyers.

        Another thing to consider is that laws have changed regarding RRSPs and debt to CRA. You can't amass RRSPs and owe CRA. It doesn't take long to rack up a CRA debt on spousal support which is 100% taxable. I wonder how often recipients of SS go back to court to get more SS simply to pay tax debt?

        I know in my situation I was left with a debt for our company. I had director's liability for this debt. Any perceived windfall from SS is simply not true, at least in my situation.
        That's one good thing about my STBX, he had a very decent private pension plan - which will be split with me. CPP being barely enough to live on though I'm thankful for the little extra in my old age.

        The mistake that many women make is not investing enough of their settlement into their retirement fund. They view their divorce settlement as a winning lottery ticket. I'm getting close to 60 so planning ahead is a serious consideration. I'm downsizing everything, investing big time, living frugally and well below my means .... I plan to age gracefully and without debt!

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        • #34
          Originally posted by Serene View Post
          It does boggle my mind why she hasn't done something in all these years. I suspect there is no desire to do more....kids are in school full time and have been for many years and as far as I know, she doesn't do anything at all. I keep reminding myself, it's not my worry.

          If she does have some sort of mental illness, that contributes to this situation. When my parents split, My mom was one credit away from a certificate in medical administration giving her a good 15 years to work and retire with a pension. But then she got cancer and had to take a year off school. She decided to skip the last credit and stayed home on disability and now part of my dads pension. She has depression and an anxiety disorder which is why she gave up trying. Its *easier* to be a defeatist and victim than actually do something with your life for some people.

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          • #35
            The words of my mom keep replaying in my head: how many spousal support payments does she have left? We told her. My mom then said: if you think she is nasty now - wait until the last cheque clears!

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            • #36
              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
              If she does have some sort of mental illness, that contributes to this situation. When my parents split, My mom was one credit away from a certificate in medical administration giving her a good 15 years to work and retire with a pension. But then she got cancer and had to take a year off school. She decided to skip the last credit and stayed home on disability and now part of my dads pension. She has depression and an anxiety disorder which is why she gave up trying. Its *easier* to be a defeatist and victim than actually do something with your life for some people.
              In defense of your mother (who is probably of my generation) it is also *easier* to misunderstand people who suffer from depression i.e. they are lazy, defeatist, victim-mentally .... that's not fair. Depression is a serious illness and those who suffer from it would tell you that it is a bugger to deal with.

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              • #37
                Depression is greatly misunderstood. However, I also know that getting out and doing things which provide a sense of accomplishment are very fulfilling. All that to say it's very easy to label oneself as "depressed" when in reality it's a lack of "doing". Heck, I don't think anyone sitting around all day doing anything they can to piss off their ex husband and his wife, brings true joy. I mean, if you spend your Saturday emailing your ex and his bride to be on their wedding day - that's not depression. That's being an asshole. For which your bound to feel 'not good about' eventually.

                If she is depressed. She's had a nice ride to fix it. 7 years of no financial worries and ample free time to employ whatever strategies she needs to overcome her depression.

                But in all fairness, she claims what made her unhappy was "being married to (my husband)" so if we take her words at par - she is fine lol

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                • #38
                  I think if your mother had "a good 15 years to work and retire with a pension" that would put her around 50 or younger. When one marries it is intended that the two will grow old together and you can't forget the "in sickness and in health" part. I am sorry that she is in poor health now. Defeatist? Naw, merely someone who has been dealt a bad hand in life I think. I am certainly grateful that I have good health and wouldn't want to walk in her shoes.

                  Serene - you are very wise about planning your retirement carefully,

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Serene View Post
                    Heck, I don't think anyone sitting around all day doing anything they can to piss off their ex husband and his wife, brings true joy. I mean, if you spend your Saturday emailing your ex and his bride to be on their wedding day - that's not depression. That's being an asshole. For which your bound to feel 'not good about' eventually.
                    Agreed!!! lol!

                    My STBX suffers from depression and it was diagnosed by an MD. The arsehole part was diagnosed years ago by me!

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                    • #40
                      Trust me, my mother wanted to be married without putting any effort into it. She was just as much to blame for the marriage failure. And after it became "i cant work, i have kids to raise" when we were all in our twenties and wanting to move on. My mother liked being the victim because it was easier than actually doing something. And she was actually younger than that when she went back to school. I said 15 years thinking the first five or so would get her through the newness and making a good wage. We all went through some form of therapy when she didnt like us supporting her getting out and doing things and when her doctor finally diagnosed her and encouraged her to do things he became the bad guy. Im not saying shes a bad person, Im saying a lot of her decisions were misguided and it was easier for her to blame someone else than to go out and do something. Whether it was grocery shopping, getting a pedicure or even going to the mailbox.

                      Normal healthy parents dont tell their kids theyll kill themselves because their kids dont need them anymore. Theres something wrong when suicide is a better idea than actually moving forward with your life. We dealt with a weekly threat of this when we all wanted to move out and get on with our lives. Its not pretty for any of the parties involved.

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                      • #41
                        Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                        Trust me, my mother wanted to be married without putting any effort into it. She was just as much to blame for the marriage failure. And after it became "i cant work, i have kids to raise" when we were all in our twenties and wanting to move on. My mother liked being the victim because it was easier than actually doing something. And she was actually younger than that when she went back to school. I said 15 years thinking the first five or so would get her through the newness and making a good wage. We all went through some form of therapy when she didnt like us supporting her getting out and doing things and when her doctor finally diagnosed her and encouraged her to do things he became the bad guy. Im not saying shes a bad person, Im saying a lot of her decisions were misguided and it was easier for her to blame someone else than to go out and do something. Whether it was grocery shopping, getting a pedicure or even going to the mailbox.

                        Normal healthy parents dont tell their kids theyll kill themselves because their kids dont need them anymore. Theres something wrong when suicide is a better idea than actually moving forward with your life. We dealt with a weekly threat of this when we all wanted to move out and get on with our lives. Its not pretty for any of the parties involved.
                        We have had similar mother's growing up ... thing is that some women suffer from empty-nest syndrome and the divorce compounds their sense of worthlessness ... their entire identity is wrapped up in motherhood. The divorce adds to this sense of failure and they just give up on themselves.

                        By the sounds of it your mother may have suffered from agoraphobia rather than depression? Mine did and we could do absolutely nothing to help her.

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                        • #42
                          Nope it was clinical depression. We were finally able to get her diagnosed. Shes also got a touch of borderline personality disorder. The sad part was she couldnt see all the good things. We left to get married and have children (well my siblings anyway) which meant grandchildren. But even then it was difficult. Now we realize its a fact of life. Shes content to live her life this way and we dont feed into it.

                          The sadder part is how after 25 years my parents cant be in the same room together without taking shots at one another. But thats a whole other thread

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                          • #43
                            Well, this thread is about insanity or stress and how men and women deal with their emotions during divorce :

                            "Women are often more likely than men to experience classic depression symptoms such as feelings of sadness, worthlessness, and guilt.

                            Men who are depressed are more likely to be irritable or angry — and sometimes abusive. They are more likely to lose interest in their work or hobbies, but some throw themselves into their work to avoid dealing with depression. Men are more likely than women to have difficulty sleeping. They're also more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol when they are depressed."

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                            • #44
                              Looking back I'd have to say that anger kept me going.

                              I have learned to enjoy and embrace solitude. I know myself better than I ever did. I've been too busy to really wallow in any misery.

                              I have removed guilt from my life.

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                              • #45
                                Where are your sources for these quotes? Pretty generic statements. They personally don't carry much weight for me.

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