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Dealing with STBX and child manipulation ?

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  • Dealing with STBX and child manipulation ?

    Wanted some advice and or tips on how to deal with an STBX that is manipulating our child and speaking negatively of me to the child.

    I suspected this for a while, but now that the child is older (5yrs) and is more vocal it worries me.

    I have always encouraged the child positively towards the ex and tried talking or asking the child if they wanted to talk. It seem as though it is harder for the child to talk to me openly but discloses minute to minute to the ex.

    It worries me because I try so hard to keep things peaceful throughout these proceedings with The child and the STBX is now turning the child against me.

    Never the less, the child loves me just as much and still wants me as much as the STBX. But I worry this could change. Especially after hearing what was said recently.

    Any advice is appreciated.


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  • #2
    What was said?

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    • #3
      The Ex spoke negatively about how I treat them and their friends . Almost like proving how I am negatively.

      Also, encouraged the child to not do specific activities with me and states that the child is " not allowed" or " I don't like that " .

      I bet it's worse then I know. Unfortunately the child is not open about everything and the ex probably is making sure of that.

      Keep in mind the child has not changed around me or with me.


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      • #4
        You need to focus on building your relationship.

        I guarantee you will never stop your Ex from speaking like this but if your ex keeps speaking badly about you but you keep "intelligently" (often means not directly responding) and just making sure you are acting in opposition how you ex portrays you then eventually your kid is going to realize she is a nutcase.

        What I also like to do is send an email reminding ex to not do it from time to time, once in a while she responds giving me proof in the future that she DOES do it (good fodder for the alienation arguement...)

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        • #5
          Links17- I agree . I don't jump the gun on it and my rebuttal to the child is simple and to the point. For example I would try to stay neutral and remind the child that it is not true and give examples.

          Is it bad that I told him that if the STBX says stuff that the child is allowed to say that the child doesn't like it and to stop?


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          • #6
            I actually often joke with my kids about it too, humor works very well.

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            • #7
              Links17- good idea. But my child still so young no?


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              • #8
                I have an 8 & 6 yr old, they're sharp enough to catch it (they act like it anyways) - depends on your kid - some ipad/iphone sucking brain dead kids don't

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                • #9
                  LMAO that's my child.


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                  • #10
                    My partners ex plays pretty good games about this. You can try to get the ex to stop but if shes like my partners ex, that will fuel her. Just keep reiterating to kidlet that it isnt true and you do care about them. Also make sure you dont disparage the mom. Stupid but its all you can do. If you stoop to her level...

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                    • #11
                      Well I guess I'm good. After just a few response I am on target to how I deal with it and how I move forward from it .


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                      • #12
                        In extreme examples there are things you can do. When my kids told me that their mother had told them that we were in debt because I had lost money playing internet poker, I reacted quickly. I confronted her, threatened libel, mentioned it was an act of parental alienation, and she apologised to me in front of the children. But thats an extreme example. And I didn't call my ex names, I focussed on the untruth of the statement. When she said she must have been confused, I let it go.

                        I think for the most part, you need to focus on reassuring the child that you are a loving caring father. Don't say anything about the charecter of your ex. Do refute any facts that are blatent attempts, but do it calmly, always focussing on reassuring the child, and not causing distress. You may need to let some things slide in the name of harmony. The child will eventually see the pattern.

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                        • #13
                          You also have to remember a child sees and receives things through their "child lens". Meaning, what was said is not always is what's heard and/or understood.

                          All that to say, you might try saying this:

                          I'm sorry you had to hear that. I love you and our time together is special.

                          Keep it simple. I personally wouldn't get into a convo about it with the child. We often say "perhaps you misunderstood what was said as that isn't true" and we leave it at that. Kids figure it out.

                          Sometimes less is more.

                          Curious - have you thought about if the kid likes going to church? I know you are a catholic, but perhaps the kid isn't interested in church? There are many ways to practice religion... kids are manipulative, be careful you aren't being manipulated.

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                          • #14
                            Serene- the kid is interested in church and enjoys it when we go. ( so it seems) until he expresses otherwise I will continue to take him.

                            My concern is that the ex will continue to convince him
                            Otherwise in a manipulative manner .


                            When the child expressed what the ex said, I asked the child if they were interested and they agreed and still want to go to church.




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                            • #15
                              Case and point.... until he expresses otherwise... maybe he can't tell you himself?

                              You know your son only as well as you know your son. I just caution you: if your son is being pulled one way by mom and another by dad it is stressful. Perhaps you can speak to a counsellor or child psych about your concerns. They often have good advice to coach you through these things.

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