Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 05-04-2015, 11:52 AM
vocircuspants vocircuspants is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 119
vocircuspants is on a distinguished road
Default Co-parenting and punishment carry-over

Is it reasonable to expect a punishment (grounding from electronics) to be enforced by access (every 2nd weekend) parent? Ex had originally agreed to it but I got notices that he was logging into his account at 1:30 in the morning. She later acknowledged he was on the computer over the weekend. It was a fair and reasonable grounding for a pretty serious action. Her stance is that's between him and I, not her place to regulate his electronic use or how late he's staying up.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-04-2015, 12:00 PM
stripes stripes is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,838
stripes is on a distinguished road
Default

If Mom agreed to the punishment before you handed it out ("Kid has misbehaved. I would like to impose grounding from electronics for two weeks. Because he'll be with you for part of those two weeks, I want to ask if this is okay with you"), then she should follow through. However, if Mom finds out after the fact ("I told Kid he was grounded from electronics for two weeks") I think she can decide for herself whether she wants to enforce your rule or not. In general, I think what happens at one house should stay at one house (no punishment carry-overs), unless the parents are extremely co-operative and consult each other in advance.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-04-2015, 12:03 PM
vocircuspants vocircuspants is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 119
vocircuspants is on a distinguished road
Default

Yes, she agreed beforehand. It wasn't even supposed to be his weekend with her but I agreed to it as they have a bad relationship. I think he partially went to avoid the punishment. In this case, he stole my password and used it to buy $85 worth of app purchases on his phone.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-04-2015, 12:09 PM
serendipitous serendipitous is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 140
serendipitous is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
In general, I think what happens at one house should stay at one house (no punishment carry-overs)
True that

Quote:
In this case, he stole my password and used it to buy $85 worth of app purchases on his phone.
Ouch...kid needs to move to Android platform (mostly free), get a job to pay for own apps, or find alternative means to side load apps
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-04-2015, 02:16 PM
Rioe's Avatar
Rioe Rioe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,351
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

First of all, why is he on a computer at 1:30am at your ex's house! I would mention this to her so she knows he's being sneaky like that.

Second, I'm a big believer that the consequences should fit the incident. Being grounded from electronics for stealing a password and buying apps might not have been the best choice. I would have deleted the app in question, or made him work extra chores to pay me back that $85. That punishment is also not contingent on your ex's cooperation, which is ideal.

I have my wifi router programmed not to allow access by the kids' devices between bedtime and 7am. You may want to look into something like that. Of course, they can play other games, but it helps with some things.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-04-2015, 02:51 PM
vocircuspants vocircuspants is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 119
vocircuspants is on a distinguished road
Default

She's aware of his late hours. Didn't faze her.

Electronics grounding is not the only part of the punishment. He'll be working off that $85 to help show him the value of money. I've out further restrictions in his phone settings and on the family computer to ensure I've got a tighter rein on things.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-04-2015, 03:26 PM
Serene Serene is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,587
Serene is on a distinguished road
Default

I'd double what he has to earn.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-04-2015, 04:40 PM
Mike62 Mike62 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 82
Mike62 is on a distinguished road
Default

As Mom agreed beforehand she should have carried through with the agreement.

How old is your son?

If you are unable to agree on a common approach with ex, I'd chalk it up to lesson learnt for next time and let it go. Otherwise, you'll waste your time and energy which will take away from the rightful focus ... you and your son.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-04-2015, 04:51 PM
serendipitous serendipitous is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 140
serendipitous is on a distinguished road
Default

Once you buy an Apple app, you have access to it i.e. it's your own.

Yeah, but the neighbours have theirs locked down? Kids are a lot smarter these days


Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
First of all, why is he on a computer at 1:30am at your ex's house! I would mention this to her so she knows he's being sneaky like that.

Second, I'm a big believer that the consequences should fit the incident. Being grounded from electronics for stealing a password and buying apps might not have been the best choice. I would have deleted the app in question, or made him work extra chores to pay me back that $85. That punishment is also not contingent on your ex's cooperation, which is ideal.

I have my wifi router programmed not to allow access by the kids' devices between bedtime and 7am. You may want to look into something like that. Of course, they can play other games, but it helps with some things.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-05-2015, 02:23 PM
RLS RLS is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
RLS is on a distinguished road
Default

The first time Mom asked Dad to carry over a punishment at our home, Dad agreed to it. Mom said that D8 was "out of control" and "talking back" that D8 had a "terrible attitude problem". We felt that carrying over the punishment was the right thing to do. We had not yet experienced this with D8, but we considered that D8 is with her Mom for 2 weeks at a time and it's possible that she may be acting out during this extended time away. Dad asked Mom if she had a discussion with D8, Mom said that had. Dad said that he, too, would sit-down with D8 over the weekend and discuss it briefly with her. Mom didn't like this and got all riled up. She insisted that Dad refrain from discussing it any further with D8, but that he needed to carry out the punishment over the weekend, because D8 needed to see that they were "both on the same page".

We couldn't understand why Mom would be so outraged at the idea of Dad having a brief talk with D8 about what had happened. After-all, Mom's preaching that she wants D8 to see that both Mom and Dad are on the same page. Dad ignored Mom and had a brief talk with D8 about what had happened. According to D8, she was playing with the boyfriend's son and at some point said to the boy, "stop, you're being annoying". The boyfriend heard this, told D8 that she was grounded for a week and sent her to her room. Dad explained to D8 that we must speak to others in a way that we wish to be spoken to, etc. etc. and that was the end of that.

Dad emailed Mom after returning D8 on Sunday and shared with her what D8 had said. Mom was livid! She was pissed with Dad for having had the gall to speak with D8 after she already told him not to. Dad repeated what D8 told him and asked if this was the extent of what had happened, Mom said yes, that D8 needs to learn how to talk to people, blah blah blah. That was all that happened, there was nothing else to the story, now verified by Mom.

We had to give our heads a shake at this one. Yes, this is an important age where we can use these opportunities to teach the little ones right from wrong, granted, but a week's punishment for telling the boy that he's being annoying? Mom said she was "out of control", come on! When punishing kids at this age, the punishment starts to lose it's effectiveness after the first day or two. Use the opportunity to sit down with your kid, who's at an impressionable age and explain to them why they're in trouble, instead of shouting "don't do that" and sending them to their room to stare at the ceiling. One can't possibly think that this is effective. It's lazy.

When you're dealing with an unruly r out of control teenager... well, I'm not sure how one would handle punishing a teenager, we're not quite there yet. lol I can only reflect on what I remember didn't work on me when I was in my teens.

The second time Mom asked Dad to carry over a punishment, Mom said that D8 was being "incredibly disrespectful to her friends" and that the friend's Mother had called to discuss it with her. This sounds pretty bad, right? Dad asked Mom what happened. Mom said that she gave D8 her old cell phone to play with and that D8 texted her friend asking her to call her, but the friend replied that she can't because she's cleaning her room...wait for it...D8 texted, "you have to call me now, it's important, call me or you won't be my friend anymore" followed by an angry emoticon. That was it. That was the extent of it. This friend's Mother called D8's Mom for whatever reason, I don't understand why she would in the first place, instead of just minding her own daughter and telling her to put down the phone and finish cleaning her room, but anyhoo, this according to Mom, warranted another week's grounding. Dad told Mom that if this is the extent of what happened, that no, D8 will have already be punished in her home for 3 days and that he felt that was ridiculous enough, that the punishment would not carry over at in our home.

Dad did have a brief talk with D8 that weekend, as we were sure that Mom and boyfriend already drilled her enough together. Ridiculous.

It would be great if parents could show their children that hey, Mom and Dad are on the same page here, but what about those times when the parents don't agree, they're not on the same page. So confusing for the children!
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:11 AM.