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  • I would not have given her the option to keep to the original schedule...now you have to wait for her response and she is in control.
    I know you are the reasonable person here and your are willing to accommodate but you can't cure crazy.

    Comment


    • Damn.. She's going to say:

      "okay we'll do what you suggested and I wont see D3 on x-mas day to have our special plans" .. (making me out to be the bad guy).

      It's so hard to be the reasonable one while trying to be assertive at the same time.

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      • Based on that response, if it was me, Id go back to what others have said about sticking to the order. You tried to be flexible and you get shit on.

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        • You are probably right about her response but she probably will leave you hanging.....and at that time you can always respond as she does that you didn't hear back so you made other plans for New Years so keep to the original plan.
          You know if you wanted to have something changed she will have plans...seems to be a universal excuse to screw dad's out of important event time.

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          • Originally posted by rockscan View Post
            Based on that response, if it was me, Id go back to what others have said about sticking to the order. You tried to be flexible and you get shit on.
            I know. Im trying to act flexible, reasonable and have the court-ordered schedule at the same time. I always have to be thoughtful Mr. Nice guy while she sends e-mails like her last one. So fatalistic, like it s "Lf32's way or the highway" thing.

            Of course she would write something like this. Look at the Monster LF32, giving m ultimatums and disallowing me to see D3 on x-mas day after we already had plans. What a headache.

            "I am very disappointed that I will not get to see D3 on Christmas day as I had planed something special for our couple of hours that we had together but since you have left me with no other choice if I want what I asked you for I will agree to it. This seems to be the only way to negotiate anything with you. "

            Give me a break already. I thought it was a pretty good plan. See how she's starting to get a bit nasty and point fingers. "This seems to be the only way to negotiate anything with you" .. give me a break. That was specifically for the judge to read. Her whole e-mail was. Good mom's right .. that's why her e-mail is suddenly working again.
            Last edited by LovingFather32; 12-22-2014, 03:02 PM.

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            • The more I read over my response, the more I feel like it's not too bad. Yes shouldn't have left it up to her in the end. But that may also help me out in court when she's flashing these around. Hey, I left it up to her.

              Funny part is .. I had new years eve plans that I was willing to cancel so ex could have D3 .. But she wouldn't sacrifice her few hours x-mas day. Ahh well.

              Ohh god .. please don't go anywhere ODF. I can see I may need your help. I can feel her anger. Her mom is probably freaking out about me getting D3 for x-mas. Where's my bed .. I'm going to hide for a while. Her e-mails make me feel the same way LAO lawyers did. Instant headaches and upset stomach.
              Last edited by LovingFather32; 12-22-2014, 03:11 PM.

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              • This is classic victim though. "I guess if I want something minuscule I have to give you EVERYTHING!" My partner gets this response all the time. Even when hes freaking gumby flexible. You cant take it back, just go forward with it. You gave her one option and got your response. Nothing in your email said "do this or else" it was simply a "what about this to avoid complications". Remember she didnt tell you about these christmas plans for her few hours. Plus you pointed out her upset causing an impact to D3. If she doesnt like it you follow the order. If it comes up in court Im sure your lawyer can speak to your flexibility based on the info you were given.

                Im in a really bad mood about holiday bs from high conflict people if you cant tell. This whole thing screams that your ex is trying to have her cake and eat it too. Being flexible doesnt mean giving up everything and Im so sick of people saying theyre flexible when its a ruse for "giving you a chance to give me something I can use against you in the future."

                By the way, a friend of mine is now going through a custody fight with a baby daddy who had zero interest in his kid until he got a wife. My friend told me last night they have to give him 50/50 because thats the law. Im like "uh no its not the law but nice try on his part". CAS has serious issues with the safety of the home environment because they have alcohol and drug issues. 50/50, HA!

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                • Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
                  Ohh god .. please don't go anywhere ODF. I can see I may need your help. I can feel her anger. Her mom is probably freaking out about me getting D3 for x-mas. Where's my bed .. I'm going to hide for a while. Her e-mails make me feel the same way LAO lawyers did. Instant headaches and upset stomach.
                  You say your ex's opinion and even that of the OCL did not have much weight in the last court appearance. Why would her saying that you are hard to negotiate with be any different? I found her email pretty innocuous and your response the same.

                  I am not sure what you are getting so worked up about? Your responses to your ex's behaviour are hyper vigilant.

                  Take a deep breath.

                  One line, written by your ex, in an email will not change anything.

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                  • BTW, I think you should have taken her offer of an extended visit.

                    Hard to claim that your daughter isn't safe at your house when her Mom agrees to a lengthy visit so easily.

                    (Saying that ex's happiness is so important is silly. Ex is responsible for her own feelings regardless of what happens.....)

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                    • Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
                      Thanks goodmom. I learn lessons every day.

                      Below was my official response. Hope I didn't screw up in any way.


                      Hi _____,


                      I was throwing out an idea. There was nothing set in stone. That's why I asked your opinion. We're a team in regards to D3. That's how I see it anyways. I am very flexible and open-minded. I'm willing to cancel my New Years Eve family supper in ____ with D3 to accommodate your trip to Quebec. I never would have suggested keeping her December 25th for a couple of hours in the morning if you had not mentioned you were doing Christmas January 1st. I wasn't aware you were doing 2 Christmases. It wouldn't be good for D3 if you were upset or disappointed during the holiday season. Keeping you happy ensures my daughters happiness, that is all that matters.


                      We can just revert to the original, court-ordered schedule to keep things simple if you like?

                      LF32
                      careful with using phrases like this. It can come over as being passive aggressive, like you are getting your little digs in

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                      • I would advise that you put the word 'suggest' or 'propose' in all your emails to her. As in: "Here's my suggestion for handling Christmas. What do you think?" A judge will not see her response without also seeing your original email to her. A judge won't think you're controlling if you choose your words correctly; he'll see that your ex is overreacting. Instead of feeling sick and getting worked up, just roll your eyes and thank your ex for looking like an idiot yet again.

                        She points out the time SHE is losing as you being inflexible, without at all acknowledging that YOU are losing time as well. I'd advise a response along the lines of "You never mentioned Christmas Day plans, and my proposal was intended to minimize exchanges to simplify things for everyone. Yes, you would lose time on Christmas Day, but you are asking me to lose time on New Year's. This is the sort of give and take we're both going to have to get used to. Do you have a better schedule to suggest?"

                        Keep out all mentions of her emotional state and how making her happy makes D3 happy blah blah blah. Stick to facts. She'll just bitch about that sort of thing because the only thing that would make her happy would be for you to vanish off the Earth. So in her mind, you're not accommodating her happiness at all no matter what you do. In fact, keep in mind that she views EVERYTHING you do through anti-LF32-coloured glasses. So don't do anything from now on to make her "happy." Do things to demonstrate your reasonableness to a judge.

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                        • Rockscan. Yes, my lawyer will be able to speak of my flexibility. It's a nerve wracking for right before x-mas. I just want everybody to be happy and to get along.

                          SOTS:
                          Getting digs in definitely wasn't my motivation. But you're correct .. I have to watch myself. I have to learn to sit on e-mails for a night or 2, review them here, etc.

                          I'm getting the hang of it slowly. lol

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                          • Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                            She points out the time SHE is losing as you being inflexible, without at all acknowledging that YOU are losing time as well. I'd advise a response along the lines of "You never mentioned Christmas Day plans, and my proposal was intended to minimize exchanges to simplify things for everyone. Yes, you would lose time on Christmas Day, but you are asking me to lose time on New Year's. This is the sort of give and take we're both going to have to get used to. Do you have a better schedule to suggest?"
                            .
                            Gawd .. you have a way of articulating things so beautifully. Im an idiot. I should have waited a few hours on my response. You and SOTS are correct, I could have left a few things out. Never again will I stray from the facts in a communication.

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                            • Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
                              Rockscan. Yes, my lawyer will be able to speak of my flexibility. It's a nerve wracking for right before x-mas. I just want everybody to be happy and to get along.

                              SOTS:
                              Getting digs in definitely wasn't my motivation. But you're correct .. I have to watch myself. I have to learn to sit on e-mails for a night or 2, review them here, etc.

                              I'm getting the hang of it slowly. lol
                              yes always best to sit on them for a bit or let someone else read them. What you are trying to say and how it actually sounds or comes across can be so different.

                              You will get the hang of it.

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                              • Just got another one:
                                __________________________________________________ ___________
                                Hi LF32,


                                Just to be clear, I am completely alone on Christmas as we will be celebrating with my family next week so no we are not having 2 Christmases. As you can imagine this is why these 4 little hours with D3 are very important to me.

                                We'll I appreciate your willingness to give up your families new years eve dinner to accommodate me I tried to be fair with you by giving you two options so that you didn't loose out on any time with your daughter even offering you an option that actually even gave you an additional 4 hours more then your court ordered agreement but this is still not good enough for you.

                                I understand if this does not work for you and I guess we revert to our original court order agreement to keep things simple.

                                Thanks anyways,
                                __________________________________________________ __________

                                Oh boy. "Its still not good enough for me". God Im glad Im not speaking like that to her in e-mails. Any ideas for a response?

                                Comment

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