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  • #31
    She is on the way to losing custody....
    lol...She won't lose custody for not having internet access nor will she lose it for not helping with homework. This is simply the burden of the responsible parent to make up the difference for the deficient one....happens all the time.

    My ex doesn't have internet, a phone, a TV, a radio or anything else in his house. There's been many days where he's left her alone without access to any outside communication method so she has to go to the neighbour's next door to call me to come and get her because he's gone. My daughter does her homework at my house and the timing is often not convenient.

    You can communicate with her on this but I guarantee she'll just ramp up the drama to keep you talking to her...she won't fix the problem. She is self-focused and you're going to have to learn to deal with it.

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    • #32
      Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
      lol...She won't lose custody for not having internet access nor will she lose it for not helping with homework. This is simply the burden of the responsible parent to make up the difference for the deficient one....happens all the time.

      My ex doesn't have internet, a phone, a TV, a radio or anything else in his house. There's been many days where he's left her alone without access to any outside communication method so she has to go to the neighbour's next door to call me to come and get her because he's gone. My daughter does her homework at my house and the timing is often not convenient.

      You can communicate with her on this but I guarantee she'll just ramp up the drama to keep you talking to her...she won't fix the problem. She is self-focused and you're going to have to learn to deal with it.
      You leave your kid in those conditions. What if there was an emergency?
      This is just a piece of the pie.

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      • #33
        If you have time do the homework. If you don't leave it be. The kid is 8 - this isn't med school. Mom already knows kid's homework isn't being completed - that's why she calls/tells you to finish it. Telling her again is futile at best.

        As for the no phone, no internet in the other person's house while dad has access - I also think we are overthinking this. So what? We all survived without internet and cell phones growing up. And many of us didn't have telephones either. It really isn't that big of deal. And clearly kid has back up plan (note emergencies require emergency services) as the neighbour's house is an option when needed.

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        • #34
          At one point people rode horses and ate with sticks, the horses gave you saddle rash and sticks infect your food. Sure nobody dies but a rash and an infection aren't fun

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          • #35
            You leave your kid in those conditions. What if there was an emergency?
            No, I've given her instructions to call me from the neighbor's house and I pick her up or arrange for her to be picked up if I'm at work.

            I brought this up more than once during our custody evaluation, however, my D was 12 at the time and the law isn't clear cut on when its ok to leave a child alone. There's no doubt that he puts my daughter in harm's way with this behavior so I do my best to mitigate what I can. I do not, however, have a case to remove all of his access. The evaluator's recommendation was that my ex purchase a cell phone for my D but he won't and I won't because I know that he will utilize it himself to make long distance calls, etc. I bought her a kindle to text me, however, he only has internet access when he can figure out how to steal it from one of his neighbor's homes.

            In my opinion, my ex is a self-absorbed individual and a substandard father...always was and always will be. In time, I have no doubt that he'll erode the relationship he shares with our youngest D like he did with the oldest one but in the meantime, I honor the access arrangement that I have. I was lucky enough receive default sole custody but he has equal access...even though he certainly isn't interested in using it.

            I actually look on his behavior as a positive. It encourages my D to find solutions and be creative and it helps me be a better mother since I have to make up for his deficiencies. Frankly, I enjoy being the parent our kids rely on...its not a burden to me. My ex wasn't much of a husband, isn't much of a father and I expect no parenting assistance from him. When you come to that conclusion, life is a whole lot easier. FB needs to come to the same point and stop banging his head against a brick wall. Asking for any type of assistance from people that only think of themselves is always a waste of energy.

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            • #36
              Pursuinghappiness, just a thought - have you considered getting your daughter an old-school pager or beeper (just like the kind the drug dealers used to carry )? Doesn't need internet, can't be used to make long-distance calls, and gives your daughter a way to contact you if necessary when she's alone.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                Frankly, I enjoy being the parent our kids rely on...its not a burden to me. My ex wasn't much of a husband, isn't much of a father and I expect no parenting assistance from him. When you come to that conclusion, life is a whole lot easier. FB needs to come to the same point and stop banging his head against a brick wall. Asking for any type of assistance from people that only think of themselves is always a waste of energy.
                So true! even very young children have enough sense to figure out which parent is the 'solid' one. Growing up I learned to be self-sufficient long before I started grade school, my mother being ... unreliable (that's putting it nicely).

                When Dad got home from work, it was such a relief for me to be able to simply act my age, to be a little kid again and feel secure. My father was a good role model, raising the four of us with hardly any help from our mother. He had very little expectations from his narcissistic spouse and dealt with it with as best he could - pressuring her to step up would have been pointless. One good parent was good enough for us.

                It's rare that both spouses have the same parenting style or equal dedication.Though when it comes down to one being 'out to lunch', lacking even basic common sense, wishing it were different won't make it happen ... some people were clearly not meant to be parents.

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                • #38
                  Originally posted by stripes View Post
                  ... beeper (just like the kind the drug dealers used to carry
                  Hilarious!

                  I used to buy marijuana in high school but that was probably long before beepers were invented.


                  It's nice not to have a cell phone. If someone wants to send me a message they can email me. I'm sure the kid does just fine without a cell phone. Some kids are even raised in the countryside and don't have cell access in some places.

                  In the old days there used to be "neighborhood watch" homes where children knew they could go if they had an emergency. Neighbors knew each other.

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                  • #39
                    There's nothing you can do to change your ex. Not her refusal to have internet, and not her disinterest in the kid's homework success. The more you push, the more she'll resist. If anything, she's probably projecting the blame for her lack of internet onto you and sees the kid's resulting inability to do homework as your fault. If it inconveniences you, her punishment strategy is working. She's just trying a new tactic to suck you back into the drama.

                    The only thing you can do to address this situation is work around it. Get the kid to do as much of the homework assignments as possible at your house during your time, or when you have him near the library as you mentioned. If you know he will need to do some research on a particular topic while at her home, print some pages for him to bring there, or check out a book from the library. If homework ends up incomplete, he can honestly say to his teacher "I couldn't finish this because my mom doesn't have internet" and his teacher will have ideas for accommodating him. Stay in touch with the teacher about upcoming assignments so you don't have to be informed by your son or your ex.

                    This is just the next item on the list of ways your ex is trying to push your buttons. Just hit your mental reset button every time and help your son yourself.

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                    • #40
                      At age 8 your son knows he has homework. He also knows if he has not done it. So Mom is not interested in helping him. But he can always ask you over the weekend. Obviously he is not that interested or motivated either, so I,would suggest that you check every weekend on his homework status.

                      All my,children had to write homework in a homework book, which, I,would check when they came home from school. I,had 3 girls. One would come home and get her work done, 1 would whine but,eventually get it done and the 3 rd would " forget " her book" on the bus. I knew my bus deliver well,had been to his house to retrieve the book on more than one occasion. Found out about homework at 7:30 on Monday. We had all the necessary resources.

                      My point is, your son is part of the issue here. He knows he has the homework. He is supposed to do this work on his own. If he requires the internet he needs to communicate with you that he needs it for homework. Concentrate on communicating this with him. Maybe a friendly concerned communication with Mom that son is avoiding his homework. Had you considered she might not be the culprit here?

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                      • #41
                        Originally posted by Beachnana View Post
                        At age 8 your son knows he has homework. He also knows if he has not done it. So Mom is not interested in helping him. But he can always ask you over the weekend. Obviously he is not that interested or motivated either, so I,would suggest that you check every weekend on his homework status.

                        All my,children had to write homework in a homework book, which, I,would check when they came home from school. I,had 3 girls. One would come home and get her work done, 1 would whine but,eventually get it done and the 3 rd would " forget " her book" on the bus. I knew my bus deliver well,had been to his house to retrieve the book on more than one occasion. Found out about homework at 7:30 on Monday. We had all the necessary resources.

                        My point is, your son is part of the issue here. He knows he has the homework. He is supposed to do this work on his own. If he requires the internet he needs to communicate with you that he needs it for homework. Concentrate on communicating this with him. Maybe a friendly concerned communication with Mom that son is avoiding his homework. Had you considered she might not be the culprit here?
                        These are all excellent points. I'll take this as a lesson learned.

                        Although there are times I don't get to see him.

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                        • #42
                          I agree with Beachnana - this is more of a "child forgets homework until the eleventh hour" thing. Been there, done that.

                          I would look into whether the teacher intended for the kids to even use the internet for this. Is it possible that your child had some written material that may have been left in his desk at school?

                          I've been there, too...

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                          • #43
                            I'm another Mom without internet at home (I'm not at home when I'm here). It's a real problem. There are time limits on using the computers at the library. Computers are busy on weekends and evenings, so IF a person succeeds in booking a computer it's only for a 1/2 hour.
                            Internet IS expensive. You need to upgrade the computer every few years to keep up with all the upgrades, otherwise the computer becomes really slow, even with high-speed internet. You need to upgrade the anti-virus software...Internet access costs way more than the monthly fee.
                            I have the same problem, but my kids are fortunate in that they have access to internet at their grandmothers home (my mother's home) after school. If it wasn't for that, we'd be sunk.
                            Not everybody CAN afford internet and I do NOT like the schools making everything online. The child is in grade 3 now, it will become worse as he progresses through school. If you are unwilling/unable to help your son with internet access for school, I don't know how to advise. But I feel for your son's mother, your son. It's so easy to blame your ex... perhaps she doesn't WANT internet at home. Perhaps she can't afford internet (and all the additional costs). I wish my kids never were given iPhones/iPads because they become an unhealthy addiction...
                            I see no solution for what will be an unending battle, unless you find out why your son's mother has no internet at home. IF it's important enough to you that your son have internet access, then you'll try to find out why and see if you and his mother can come to some agreement. If she can't afford it and you can, why not offer to pay for it, until she is in a financially solvent position. It's not easy to get good jobs presently.

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                            • #44
                              I'd suggest you get a chromebook and a cell phone with 6GB data plan - going to assume you have a cell phone already so negotiate fora deal.

                              Bell has free 6 months internet packages too sometimes.

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                              • #45
                                How am I supposed to pay for those without income? I'm in enough debt already.
                                Whoops, I thought I was in another thread! Oh my! Sorry (blushing) :-)
                                Last edited by Epona; 02-27-2014, 02:33 PM.

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