I guess I should be feeling grateful, I have no kids and my break has been relatively clean (even though it's been a 10 year back-and-forth process over a 15 year marriage!). I don't think I'll ever know for sure if divorce was the 'right' thing to do, but in the end it seemed to be the only thing left to do. It still doesn't feel right but my husband and I just couldn't seem to get it together. We tried different sorts of counselling, we tried church, we tried books... Now that we've separated and gone forward with getting divorced, it's definitely over - some cold and nasty words have been exchanged via lawyers and there's just too much hurt now. It really feels bad now, really really bad... I'm sad and hurt and confused and sad and even more sad. I feel guilty and I feel angry and I feel indignant. I feel sorry for my husband and I hate him and I feel sorry for me and I hate me. I've had moments in even the past month where I thought I wanted to be back with him, even though we've been separated for almost two years. I feel like a huge failure, even though I actually tried for years when I know that most people would have divorced years ago. Now I feel quite numb and dead, I feel like I just want to be alone for the rest of my life (i'm "only" 40).
It was my move to get the divorce. I feel very guilty about that. My husband would have just let us go on suffering. I couldn't take it any more. I feel so, so badly about all of it. I don't think there is too much that could have been done differently in my marriage, even in retrospect. I think we did the best we could at the time. We both made some poor decisions at times. I don't think we could have done any better though. Now, I wish I had spoken up more, spoke my mind more. I went along with too much, did things his way too much, gave up too much of me. That didn't help. But anyway..
I expect I will feel hurt by this for quite a while. I'm prepared for the healing to be a process. I try to remind myself of how painful it was to be in the marriage, and then the bad moments don't seem as bad. But... there are still some bad moments. It's been very humbling in the sense that my lifestyle has plummeted to barely scraping by in a dingy rental space, but at least I am looking after myself. The worst was the mental toll that the marriage took on me, i think it will take a long time to gain my sense of self back.
I guess I just needed a place to say this. My therapist kind of laughs when I say these things - I think his idea is that if he makes light of it all, it will help me to not take life too seriously, which i guess is a notion which has it's place. My mom and dad are very loving but they have their own ideas of how i "should" be feeling, and it's not based in reality! So, thanks for letting me vent here!
cheers from Lydster
It was my move to get the divorce. I feel very guilty about that. My husband would have just let us go on suffering. I couldn't take it any more. I feel so, so badly about all of it. I don't think there is too much that could have been done differently in my marriage, even in retrospect. I think we did the best we could at the time. We both made some poor decisions at times. I don't think we could have done any better though. Now, I wish I had spoken up more, spoke my mind more. I went along with too much, did things his way too much, gave up too much of me. That didn't help. But anyway..
I expect I will feel hurt by this for quite a while. I'm prepared for the healing to be a process. I try to remind myself of how painful it was to be in the marriage, and then the bad moments don't seem as bad. But... there are still some bad moments. It's been very humbling in the sense that my lifestyle has plummeted to barely scraping by in a dingy rental space, but at least I am looking after myself. The worst was the mental toll that the marriage took on me, i think it will take a long time to gain my sense of self back.
I guess I just needed a place to say this. My therapist kind of laughs when I say these things - I think his idea is that if he makes light of it all, it will help me to not take life too seriously, which i guess is a notion which has it's place. My mom and dad are very loving but they have their own ideas of how i "should" be feeling, and it's not based in reality! So, thanks for letting me vent here!
cheers from Lydster
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