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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 09-19-2008, 02:30 AM
crispy crispy is offline
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Default concern for my daughters

Hi, I'm really worried about my daughters. My divorce will take effect on Oct. 4, and my ex is really trying to push me away from my kids. She has sole custody and thinks it gives her the right to tell me to jump through hoops. I get my kids every second weekend and extra time for my youngest while my oldest is in school. What my concern is, my ex talks a lot about me and my family. My kids love my family. My father works out of town, and when a plane flies overhead, they ask if grandpa is on that plane. I have 3 nieces and one nephew, all 4 and under, so close to my kids' age. So, we have a pretty tight network that my kids have come to love and accept. My concern is, my oldest daughter tells me all about things that she does with her mom and boyfriend, yet my ex calls me and complains that my children tell her nothing of what we do when I have them. She accuses me of playing head games with my children. Obviously I have never done anything of the such.
Rumour has it, my ex is engaged right now and is about 6 months pregnant with his kid. My oldest daughter tells me that she has two daddy's. I tried to explain to her that she only has one daddy, and this guy is "like her daddy, but boys and girls only have one daddy." I think I handled it good, but my ex called me today in an uproar about it, claiming that my daughter was crying when I dropped them off. My ex has a history of messing with my daughter's head. I know it sounds like I'm being petty or something, but when a 3 year old out of nowhere tells my mother that she doesn't like her, but hugs her 10 minutes later, someone is telling her to say something. Problem is, you can't prove anything of this nature. I guess I'm looking for advise as to how to handle this. I accept the fact that this other guy is involved with my kids, and I hope he does a good job, I just want to make sure that I'm handling it the best possible.
My summer access was a real mess this year. I work shift work and basically get my kids every second set of days off. My ex planned her vacation this past summer around my schedule, so I basically missed a month from my kids. I had my kids for a whole week, and not once did they even ask to talk to their mommy or mention her for that matter. That concerned me a bit, but felt good too. But ever since this summer access, my ex is always calling me after I drop the kids off with a "concern." ex.- I drop my kids off at 4pm. She called me at 5:10pm, (I wasn't home) and left a message that she had a concern that I wasn't feeding my kids, that both of them couldn't eat fast enough and were choking to get the food down. For starters, that is supper time, isn't it? I also had fed my kids a snack at 3pm and they had lunch just before 1pm. So I didn't even entertain her on that one and when she confronted me on it, I told she was rediculous and that I fed them at those times.
I've taken from this, that my daughter has adjusted to where her comfort zone is, and it's with me. My family is one that is very calm and doesn't get excited, but am very affectionate in the meantime and I feel that my daughter has really tuned into this and it is her safe place that she knows what to expect, what the rules are and how the people around her are going to act. My ex has swore at me with the kids at her feet while on the phone. She even once flashed my father and I the middle finger as we were pulling out of her driveway with my child(a baby at the time) in her arms. My daughters always come to me when I pick them up, and barely look back to say goodbye to their mom and they are sad when it's time to go back to their mom's. My oldest has said that she wants to live with me and that she can't go back. There's no abuse going on, I know this for a fact. What are my chances of getting my kids more once they are 12? What can I do to ensure that they are listened to at this time? Thank you for any responses.
Old 09-19-2008, 09:26 AM
logicalvelocity logicalvelocity is offline
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You and your ex are estranged. Why is she calling you all the time. Have her communicate in writing. Looks like all these calls is creating undue stress in your home.

Enjoy the quality time with your children and stop your ex from interfering.

Most of all SMILE to your ex! This will make her wonder what on earth your smiling about!

Last edited by logicalvelocity; 09-19-2008 at 09:32 AM.
Old 09-19-2008, 11:41 AM
Rachel Rachel is offline
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Default Enjoy your children

Yes I agree with velocity - smile, smile, smile. This makes her keep guessing, in the mean time seek out some answers to your questions, so you can at least have some peace of mind. Chin up - at least you know your children love you and that's worth more than any thing else in this world.
Old 09-19-2008, 12:06 PM
baileybug baileybug is offline
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It sounds like such a stressful situation. No matter what the ex does, don't stoop to her level. Encourge your children to be happy in both homes. Be careful too that kids sometime tell you what they think you want to hear, if it means they will get more of your attention/affection.
To be clear, boys and girls can have one "bio" daddy or mommy, but they can also have additional parents like step-mom's/dad's and adopted mom's/dad's. You don't have to worry - you can never be replaced on that front. Allow the child the freedom though to bond with that potential new parent on their own terms.
Old 09-24-2008, 10:25 AM
Dawnenewday Dawnenewday is offline
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Hi Crispy!! Let me clarify something right now..I am NO expert. I am however, a Mom who has gone through (and is currently going through) a similar situation. My youngest (he's 12 now) is living with his father (temporary court order based on lies and manipulation on my exes part). I experience this kind of alienation from him as well. My ex thinks he has control over my access and although the order says 'up to the child' regarding access ( because as I said, my character was beat up in court and even though I had documentation dis-proving his allegations, they were never read...because, I believe, I was representing myself). It's a tough position to be in but as everyone has posted...try and stay positive and "happy" for the child(ren)'s sake. Even though they are young the truth will come out in the end.
Old 09-24-2008, 11:14 AM
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Please research Parent Alienation Syndrome, this situation is SOOOOO..... like mine, and let me tell you, like "Dawnenewday" it didn't turn out OK.
It's hard to prove either way when it is he said she said in front of a judge. We were self rep also, and lost big time.

I do not mean to scare you, I pray your situation turns out better.
We went from silly statements from the daughter about a real dad, her pretending to be a part of our family when with us etc, to rare access, child didn't want to come, was terrified of our family all of a sudden, and that turned into denied access. We tried the "going against a court order" route, didn't work, judge just told her to stop saying/doing what she was doing, that she did not have the unilateral right to deny access, as "he believed she was doing". No change in access.

Long story short do some research, talk to a professional, and perhaps consider an order for an assessment of her and the children in her care, as well as when they are with you to rule out PAS.

My prayers are with you!
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