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  • Interfering with scheduled time

    I tried a search, but maybe I'm not selecting the correct wording.

    My ex and I are separated for 3 years, but do not have a signed agreement yet (working on it). The schedule we have had in place for our 6 year old son is the 2255 model: She has him M&Tu, I have him W&Th, and we alternate every other weekend (F-Su). This has worked well, with only minor disagreements. Most importantly, our son seems to be quite content and is experiencing no issues.

    In the past several months, a pattern in emerging of my ex booking events on my evenings without my prior consent or knowledge. In some cases, I have gone along with it as it was best for my son (e.g. swimming lessons); however, I have pushed back many times. Despite calming discussing with her, and pushing back where I can, the pattern is continuing.

    While I hope to have a final agreement in place before the end of the year, my fear (perhaps that is all it is), is that she is trying to establish herself as the primary custodian and me as the "visitation" style dad. Her standard of living is well above mine, as she's living with her parents in a large home, with lots of financial and other support. I also fear my son will prefer living with her for obvious reasons.

    Until there is a formal agreement/order in place, I feel like I have no options. I protest as politely but firmly as I can, but she continues this course of action.

    Any suggestions or links if this has been discussed before?

  • #2
    Start booking events on her time, and returning the favour.

    Start logging the swapped time. Keep a journal.

    It is probably just scheduling conflicts - but be aware that 'status-quo' counts.

    Insist on make-up time. Keep a journal.

    Get a Final Order ASAP.

    Comment


    • #3
      Your first point sounds like a bad idea to me. I'd rather take the higher road and do what's right.
      Logging everything, no worries there. There are definitely not scheduling conflicts.

      Thanks for the reply!

      Comment


      • #4
        Why can't you take him S6 to the activities yourself and keep your day?

        I don't understand why she has to do this and you can't.


        If she books like you said swimming lessons on your time I would contact the pool and see what times and spots are available during her scheduled time.

        Then send her a polite e-mail with the times and ask her why she could not book the lessons then?

        Good luck!

        Comment


        • #5
          I usually do, however, I do have a full-time job and she isn't working. I take my son to events that are on my nights/weekends. She is able to pick up my son earlier and do things with him (without my knowledge). I have never booked something on her days without her prior permission.

          Example: I was set to pick up my son from camp this afternoon, and received an email an hour before doing so that she had taken him to a play. She brought him to me this evening, an hour before his bed time.
          As a one-off, I wouldn't be overly concerned. This is an increasing pattern, however.

          In the swimming lessons example, there was only the one night available. I likely would have agreed to it, and taken him myself, had she discussed with me in advance. When I protested, she cancelled the lessons and we lost the spot.

          I feel like having a full-time job is becoming a disadvantage in the whole custody arrangement, and that doesn't seem right. Massive guilt on my part.

          Comment


          • #6
            Don't feel guilty about working full time. You're providing for your son, and you're demonstrating to him how real grownups should live - they support themselves and their families, they don't live off other people. Can you talk to your son about your job, get him interested in it? He's getting to be old enough that he can understand why there's a difference between Dad, who works, and Mom, who lives off her parents.

            I think you are right to be concerned about a status quo. Keep protesting, make it clear that you are not tacitly approving of her behavior, and move as quickly as you can to a final agreement. Three years is way too long. What are the holdups?

            Don't know if this helps, but there's a technique I learned somewhere about dealing with difficult people - has some fancy name, but there are basically three steps:

            1. Describe the behavior factually.
            2. State why it is a problem.
            3. State your expectations for the future.

            (And don't use adjectives or adverbs for any of this).

            So:

            1. On Thursday, I received an email from you saying that you intended to take my son to a play that night. You picked him up from camp and returned him to my home at bedtime.
            2. This is a problem because it detracts from my parenting time.
            3. In the future, I expect that you will not schedule activities for you and my son on nights when he is supposed to be with me.

            Then don't respond to any attempts to justify her conduct or excuse herself.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by stripes View Post
              Don't feel guilty about working full time. You're providing for your son, and you're demonstrating to him how real grownups should live - they support themselves and their families, they don't live off other people. Can you talk to your son about your job, get him interested in it? He's getting to be old enough that he can understand why there's a difference between Dad, who works, and Mom, who lives off her parents.

              I think you are right to be concerned about a status quo. Keep protesting, make it clear that you are not tacitly approving of her behavior, and move as quickly as you can to a final agreement. Three years is way too long. What are the holdups?

              Don't know if this helps, but there's a technique I learned somewhere about dealing with difficult people - has some fancy name, but there are basically three steps:

              1. Describe the behavior factually.
              2. State why it is a problem.
              3. State your expectations for the future.

              (And don't use adjectives or adverbs for any of this).

              So:

              1. On Thursday, I received an email from you saying that you intended to take my son to a play that night. You picked him up from camp and returned him to my home at bedtime.
              2. This is a problem because it detracts from my parenting time.
              3. In the future, I expect that you will not schedule activities for you and my son on nights when he is supposed to be with me.

              Then don't respond to any attempts to justify her conduct or excuse herself.
              I would keep away from using the term "my son" I would use "our son" instead.

              Comment


              • #8
                @Stripes: Thank you for the supportive response...

                Originally posted by stripes View Post
                I think you are right to be concerned about a status quo. Keep protesting, make it clear that you are not tacitly approving of her behavior, and move as quickly as you can to a final agreement. Three years is way too long. What are the holdups?
                Initially (first year), I think we were both avoiding reality. However, since then, we have documented a draft agreement which my lawyer wrote up. As recent as March, we were in agreement that there are no material changes required. Since then, she refuses to respond to my requests to finalize the agreement.

                I want to avoid court or a CC; however, I realize that this may be unavoidable now. I've just requested than my lawyer propose the next step with the goal to get this finalized within the next 2-3 months.

                @Standing On The Sidelines: Thank you, agreed!

                Comment


                • #9
                  You're right, I slipped up there.

                  Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                  I would keep away from using the term "my son" I would use "our son" instead.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by stripes View Post
                    You're right, I slipped up there.
                    Thats one of the main things about this board, you can post stuff and get it vetted out before sending it to the ex. That way if the wording is not quite right or clear enough a person has a chance to make the changes.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by YYZDaddy View Post
                      Example: I was set to pick up my son from camp this afternoon, and received an email an hour before doing so that she had taken him to a play. She brought him to me this evening, an hour before his bed time.
                      I would send the ex an email stating something like:

                      "Dear Ms. Faking-Helping-So-I-Can-Make-Myself-Look-Good-And-You-Look-Bad,

                      Thank you for the email stating you picked up X today. I agree that it is our child's best interests to spend as much time with each other as possible. However, I don't agree with your dropping him off so late.

                      The schedule we have used for X months/years now provides that today is my parenting time. I am home from work at Xpm, and would have expected [Child] to be returned at that point. At no point did you receive or attempt to seek my permission to alter the parenting schedule to allow you have [Child] until nearly his bedtime.

                      In future, should you wish to spend extra time with [Child] during my parenting time, please contact me first to confirm it is ok (as I may already have plans). I am willing to be reasonable to such requests and expect you to be in return.

                      Please respect my time with [Child], as I respect your time.

                      Thank you,

                      Dad"

                      As for other events, whether or not I take the boy depends on what they are and how much you and your child can enjoy them together. If they are a birthday party for some kid, but you have other plans already, you look at the grand scheme, and make a decision from there.

                      Comment

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