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  • Double Standards in Parenting

    Hi All,

    It is sad how divorce brings out the worst in people where people show their true colours,. where we would have never married these people in the first place. I know that in acrimonious situations, you need to pick your battles, or simply opt to take the high road, but it seems to be getting increasingly frustrating. How do people out there handle double-standards?

    Just as examples, your ex gives you a hard time saying you feed too much junk food, but every time you pick up your kids they have chocolate bars in their hands? Or your ex gives you grief for buying a new fun video game that your kids are ecstatic about, yet you are aware that the kids spend lots of time playing video games at your ex's place? You get in trouble for bringing your sick kids to the pharmacy for meds, yet its perfectly OK for your ex to do the same thing.... I understand that co-parenting in separate homes means being on same page for some things, such as the time for bed, but my ex is out of control with trying to control.

    My ex simply cannot control herself in lecturing me about parenting, her level of trying to control me as a parent is insane. When I do something for the kids, it is bad, but when she does the same thing, it is good/cute. I have bitten my tongue to date, but its getting hard to not point out the level of insanity I face when she chastises me for something, and then she herself admits to the same things herself in the same sentence! The really sad thing is that she chastises me on being a nice and caring parent....For example, she gets upset if I drop off the kids and happened to stop at McDonald's on the drive over for an ice cream cone or milkshake on a hot summer day. It is as though she is upset I bring back the kids with smiles on their faces.

  • #2
    A child psychologist told me to use the following line with my teen when they were being obnoxious and it should work with your ex too. Simply say
    “Thank you for sharing that”. If they say something idiotic again repeat the words , thank you for sharing that. Keep repeating this sentence like a broken record after every critique leveled against you. Works liked a charm and they quickly stop criticizing as they’re not getting the reaction they want.

    For example

    Ex: You are a lousy parent
    You: Thank you for sharing that
    Ex: what’s wrong with you? You let them play video games all day. It’s going to give them brain cancer
    You: thank you for sharing that
    Ex: you feed them too much candy. They are getting fat and their teeth will fall out
    You: thank you for sharing that
    Ex throws hands in the air and walks away
    You smile.
    Last edited by Stillbreathing; 05-10-2020, 02:15 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      I had to go through a private parenting assessment. I guess during one of his appointments he was bitching about what I feed our kids, i.e nothing but junk food and I have made them obese. The assessor asked him what he was giving them for dinner that night. His response -- poutine.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
        My ex simply cannot control herself in lecturing me about parenting
        Why on earth would you care? Tell her to lecture you in writing. If you are lucky she will say something that you can use against her later.

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        • #5
          A succinct heartless piece of advice.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Abba435 View Post
            A succinct heartless piece of advice.

            Its actually true. Ignore what your ex lectures you on. It will only serve to upset you.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
              Its actually true. Ignore what your ex lectures you on. It will only serve to upset you.
              Says those that are are step parents or far removed by time.
              It is not true at all. It is stone cold heartless.
              Family law is not real estate law.
              It is very much about emotion for many.
              The lack of empathy is frankly pathetic.
              No apologies.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Janus View Post
                Why on earth would you care? Tell her to lecture you in writing. If you are lucky she will say something that you can use against her later.
                I have dealt with years of nonsense, illogical and unreasonable bs. Me asking my ex to not communicate verbally but rather in writing/email would be interpreted by her as ammo to suggest we cannot co-parent effectively, that she is the one trying but to no avail, problem lies with me, etc, blah blah blah. I know, you can’t fix stupid or someone’s crazy and illogical views...best thing to do is ignore her and patiently wait for when parenting schedule evolves where all pickups/dropoffs of kids are at school.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
                  I have dealt with years of nonsense, illogical and unreasonable bs. Me asking my ex to not communicate verbally but rather in writing/email would be interpreted by her as ammo to suggest we cannot co-parent effectively, that she is the one trying but to no avail, problem lies with me, etc, blah blah blah. I know, you can’t fix stupid or someone’s crazy and illogical views...best thing to do is ignore her and patiently wait for when parenting schedule evolves where all pickups/dropoffs of kids are at school.
                  Don’t waste your breath
                  The experts have no patience for the real family law issue
                  that takes heart
                  You have loads of it but get slagged for it
                  Keep it to the cold hard facts here
                  Or just pm me

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Abba435 View Post
                    Says those that are are step parents or far removed by time.
                    It is not true at all. It is stone cold heartless.
                    Family law is not real estate law.
                    It is very much about emotion for many.
                    The lack of empathy is frankly pathetic.
                    No apologies.

                    Actually Abba I have watched my husband struggle through a lot of horrible things said to him by his ex and kids. They are cruel and heartless people who are intent on causing as much pain as possible. He has learned to ignore what they say thanks to a great therapist and positive reinforcement from those who know him. You HAVE to ignore what they say as it has no basis or meaning and is an attempt to get a reaction.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                      Actually Abba I have watched my husband struggle through a lot of horrible things said to him by his ex and kids. They are cruel and heartless people who are intent on causing as much pain as possible. He has learned to ignore what they say thanks to a great therapist and positive reinforcement from those who know him. You HAVE to ignore what they say as it has no basis or meaning and is an attempt to get a reaction.
                      Then you of all people should empathize
                      The big lie is it is not personal
                      It is VERY personal when the DNA partner tries to destroy you and leaves the hearts of children in their wake
                      The heartless sarcasm of some is repugnant
                      And you know better

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        lol. y'all are catching some feelings over chocolate bars.

                        LD- your ex is STILL controlling you. have you had some counseling to deal with this?

                        my therapist taught me to do something that really was invaluable for me. my ex has a tendency to get REALLY angry in my presence- physically assert himself- stand near me. raise his voice. he still does that shit sometimes. though it's a little more contained now. given my history -it used to send me into a tailspin (see my posts about him coming to my car). my therapist told me to visualize him as the little super mario guy hitting his head against a brick jumping up and down. basically just to infantilize his behaviour. Which, if we were still married, would be problematic. but we're not. So instead I just look at him like an angry toddler- and it doesn't scare me anymore.

                        if they're not actually doing anything to harm the kids (arguably a poor diet is pretty shitty), then let it go. double standards, their constant demoralizing comments, etc etc

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Abba435 View Post
                          Then you of all people should empathize
                          The big lie is it is not personal
                          It is VERY personal when the DNA partner tries to destroy you and leaves the hearts of children in their wake
                          The heartless sarcasm of some is repugnant
                          And you know better

                          And this is why you will never get over it and why you struggle to let it go. As I have told both you and LF repeatedly, get off the forum and see a therapist. Thanks to great therapy my husband has gotten to the point where he shakes his head and recognizes his ex’s issues. He doesn’t sit and over analyze or dwell on it.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            1. I do not sit and over analyze or dwell. That is judgement.
                            2. I have absolutely gotten over it. More judging.
                            3. Therapy for those that can afford it or have benefits is great if you find the right fully qualified and experienced person who is expert in high conflict personalities. Like lawyers they are not all expert in their field. Mine is thankfully.
                            4. You advice is well taken. Your personal experience does not represent ALL situations. How easy would that be if there was a single approach and you had the answers?
                            5. Often there are other issues that exacerbate the conflict including substance abuse, physical abuse, severe emotional abuse, criminal activity, sick children, job loss, financial nonsense, Cluster B personalities and mental health issues on top of some people being plain nasty and vindictive.
                            6. The "parents need to get over themselves" approach is BS. Many families deal with conflict, not all are faced with the severity of others. Judgemental again.
                            7. Your experience is highly relevant and you are obviously articulate, but your solutions are not one size fits all, I wish they were.
                            8. Many here pronounce rather than acknowledging. Makes me think they did not go to therapy or did not get it if they did. Name calling and judgement are not helpful, not one bit. Ask any therapist is telling someone to get over it is useful. Not one will agree.
                            9. The Super Mario idea is one of the best I have ever heard. That would be worth the price of a therapy session. I am stealing this and thank you for a really really really useful and helpful and non judging post.
                            10. I heard a great interview with a guy named Terry Real about putting your reactive self into the back seat instead of driving the bus. Combined with Super Mario (or Super Maria) that is expert advice that works.
                            11. Telling your amygdala to shut up takes a lot of practice and awareness. Something worth teaching children before they think of having kids of their own. I doubt many here have mastered this skill much less thought about it. A lifetime project.
                            Last edited by Abba435; 05-12-2020, 08:56 AM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                              Actually Abba I have watched my husband struggle through a lot of horrible things said to him by his ex and kids. They are cruel and heartless people who are intent on causing as much pain as possible. He has learned to ignore what they say thanks to a great therapist and positive reinforcement from those who know him. You HAVE to ignore what they say as it has no basis or meaning and is an attempt to get a reaction.
                              Could not agree more. There is a story about the Buddha at the market that echoes this. Search it up. I am very selective about what "gifts" I choose to accept and those that I leave with the "gift" giver.

                              Comment

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