Nuking goodwill

[wretchedotis]

I'd pay the 30 bucks and try to sell the cat for $45.

Ha! I wish I was so bold, but then - I would soon be up on some charge or another a retribution.

What's your threshold of risk?

[stripes]

I'd pay the 30 bucks and try to sell the cat for $45.

^^ now that's thinking outside the box!

[HammerDad]

It is not really goodwill if your hold upon it is so tenuous.

It isn't tenuous. It is more like "Really? For <$30 when you receive over $700 in c/s? Really?" It is also a matter of maybe taking the opportunity to politely explain that minor expenses simply aren't s7 as they aren't extraordinary when there is some goodwill built up.

HD,
Do you feel you owe your ex something that still lingers?

I am not sure what you mean here. I don't think I owe here anything really. We were never married and we broke-up for very good reason, we weren't compatible. As friends we were fine. As a couple we were horrible. As parents we are able to now co-exist and have moved past the hurt feelings of the past.

Maybe it is just my perception that she would go back to her old attitude, I could be wrong. But that is my experience with her and I don't think she has really changed.

I spoke with my wife last night and I am just going to pay it. I see some benefit from it for my kid (won't be up early before a long days competition) and it isn't much.

[HammerDad]

Understanding now that your daughter has gone to true dance competitions in the past, and you have split the accommodation expense then - you shouldn't really be questioning it now. Yes, you "got lucky" and it isn't far away this time - but if it was - you likely would be paying half her accommodation anyhow.

She has gone to 4-5 already. With only the one in the states, which was far, was accommodations discussed simply due to the size of the expense. Normally they are close or she danced later so there was no need. I think the ex believes that because I was willing to pay a share of the cost for the US competition, that this will follow suit. They are not apples to apples.

Reading from the OP's past posts - I think HD knew the answer anyway. This sounds like a bit more of a vent than anything.

True, it was a little bit of a vent. It just sucks because if the ex took the time to read anything about what s7 expenses were, she'd know this sort of stuff wouldn't qualify. But, IMO, she kinda stays willfully ignorant to it and I am stuck in the position of either trying to let her know she isn't right (which pisses her off) or eat the cost (which sucks for me as it continues the cycle).

[AnarX]

I guess I do not understand why you do not tell her to stuff it and hang up the phone.

How can a woman -- who is not your wife -- hold so much control over your feelings?

Why is goodwill important to you? considering it can turn on a dime?

[stripes]

I guess I do not understand why you do not tell her to stuff it and hang up the phone.

How can a woman -- who is not your wife -- hold so much control over your feelings?

Why is goodwill important to you? considering it can turn on a dime?

Because it's not about HD and his ex, it's about the kids. Maintaining goodwill with the other parent is best for the kids, and sometimes that means having to suck it up and do things like pay an additional $30. The only reason I'm civil to my ex at all is because it's best for our daughter if her parents aren't obviously hostile towards each other. Nothing guarantees that things won't turn on a dime, but it's worth $30 to reduce the odds.

[AnarX]

Thanks, Stripes but my question is about HD's feelings.

Because it's not about HD and his ex, ...

Yes, it is. $30 is nothing but it is enough to damage goodwill. That math does not add up.

[DeadBeatDouchebagDad]

if the ex took the time to read anything about what s7 expenses were, she'd know this sort of stuff wouldn't qualify. But, IMO, she kinda stays willfully ignorant to it and I am stuck in the position of either trying to let her know she isn't right (which pisses her off) or eat the cost (which sucks for me as it continues the cycle).

Eduate her. Say this is not allowed. If she loses it, tough for her. Just my opinion.

ps: stop catsitting for her. Make up an excuse. Allergies. Jeesh.

[HammerDad]

I guess I do not understand why you do not tell her to stuff it and hang up the phone.

While we do not face to face about various issues, issues related to the child are always via email, as it was in this case.

How can a woman -- who is not your wife -- hold so much control over your feelings?

She doesn't. It is just I had a rough enough time getting to a pleasant point with my ex, and have saw how having that pleasant relationship has benefited my child. When the ex is mad at me, I hear it through the kid. I don't want to put my kid through that.

Why is goodwill important to you? considering it can turn on a dime?

The goodwill obtained benefits my child. Her having parents that get along is good for her. I have saw both sides first hand. Notwithstanding that, there have been instances where having this goodwill has made it easier for me to get extra time with my daughter and other concessions from the ex that simply don't exist when the ex is pissed.

In general my ex has been flexible, just not when it comes to money...

[AnarX]

While we do not face to face about various issues, issues related to the child are always via email, as it was in this case.

That is irrelevent. I would say "Type her an email refusing her request and press SEND."

I am trying to get you to tap into something a little deeper.

My buddies and I vent about all sorts of domestic issues. [This $30 deal is nothing. I deal with that all of the time and I pay more than double what you pay while I live on less than 1/2 of what I pay. That is enough math to get my point across: I wish I had your problems.] Our rants, raves and venting sessions usually degrade to the point where we diminish eachother's sense of manhood and the rest is unfit for print. Nevertheless, we always arrive at the same conclusion: we picked them. We laugh it off, pour one more pitcher, rinse, re-apply and repeat next week.
This is all to say that I find it peculiar that you would get upset by this.

Regardless, if my ex pulled this stunt, I would not pay it just to teach her a lesson. More importantly, I would do it to teach my daughter a lesson too. However, that is just me and you do not know my ex. I do not know you and I do not know what transpired between you and your ex ---- you may deserve this or you may not. I have buddies who are in your shoes and I genuinely believe they deserve this sort of treatment but they are still my buddies.

What you seem to be calling "goodwill" is what I would call "inadvertantly setting a bad example to your daughter" for lack of a better word. The way I see things is that your daughter will be taught to pick on men and to bad-mouth men. By standing your ground and by telling your daughter that you are not going to accept surprise expenses, I think you would be doing your daughter (along with any man who falls in love with her) a lot more good.

I do not mean to humiliate you. I just think that you can do better.

[mcdreamy]

I just laughed out loud. Not an lol - I just seriously laughed out loud.

Man up, HD! Teach that ex and the kid (your daughter, no less), exactly how things are going to work. Tap a little deeper.

eta- I can't seriously even eta my mind is still boggled... I'm trying to make this post sound better, but for $30 and the whole "teaching a lesson"... wow. Just wow. And humiliation?? please -- the only one who should be humiliated would be a parent who can't effectively coparent a child with another and would not help build up that child on her day, for a $30 monetary value. Now, that would be humiliating.

HD's got this right -- we suck up stupid shiit all the time for the benefit of our children.

[stripes]

Yeah. HD totally lost my respect when I read that he would even consider paying $30 in order to avoid a pointless confrontation with his ex. What a wuss. He should just go nuclear on her ass whenever there's an issue.

[DunnMom]

I just laughed out loud. Not an lol - I just seriously laughed out loud.

Man up, HD! Teach that ex and the kid (your daughter, no less), exactly how things are going to work. Tap a little deeper.

eta- I can't seriously even eta my mind is still boggled... I'm trying to make this post sound better, but for $30 and the whole "teaching a lesson"... wow. Just wow. And humiliation?? please -- the only one who should be humiliated would be a parent who can't effectively coparent a child with another and would not help build up that child on her day, for a $30 monetary value. Now, that would be humiliating.

HD's got this right -- we suck up stupid shiit all the time for the benefit of our children.

Yep! ... I seriously LOL'D too and then did a "hoooo boyyyyyy" for good measure

[DowntroddenDad]

There is a time and a place to let it go, and a time and a place to make a point.

One of my few few access occasions right after we had a separation agreement, I had agreed to go for a coffee with my daughters. They instead asked me to take them shopping for sundries, underwear etc.

I didn't make a fuss at the time, it wasn't appropriate and it wasn't a huge amount of money. I did after the fact email my ex and told her I resented the fact that my meagre time with the girls was taken up with shopping for things that should be covered by the fairly generous CS I pay. It never happened again.

[ByMyself]

There is a time and a place to let it go, and a time and a place to make a point.

One of my few few access occasions right after we had a separation agreement, I had agreed to go for a coffee with my daughters. They instead asked me to take them shopping for sundries, underwear etc.

I didn't make a fuss at the time, it wasn't appropriate and it wasn't a huge amount of money. I did after the fact email my ex and told her I resented the fact that my meagre time with the girls was taken up with shopping for things that should be covered by the fairly generous CS I pay. It never happened again.

I think this is the whole point HD was making - where do you draw the line and say "no, you shouldn't contact me about this petty stuff", and where do you say nothing, and just hope that it doesn't set the stage for further problems.