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  • #31
    OP **HUGS**

    As parents I beleive we need to protect our children without interferring with them being children. It sounds like your DD had a great time while you took all the proper steps to ensure her safety.

    Don't worry in the end it may bite your ex in the a*s when your DD wants to live where she has the freedom she needs to grow.

    Comment


    • #32
      Don't let her in your house! Are you still willing to live under her thumb and let her bully you around?

      Don't confuse being cooperative (which you think you are being) with being submissive (which is what is happening).

      I like Rioe's idea of doing a narrated video. That way, a) it keeps your ex out of your house, which is where she belongs if she is being problematic, b) is should show her that your daughter's room is clean and she is happy with it, c) it prevents your ex from making any affidavits saying she has actually seen your house inside, and instead she has to rely on hearsay from your daughter, and d) if your ex does make any affidavit including near-worthless hearsay of "my daughter says this" ... you have contradicting video showing your daughter has a clean room and she is proud of it.

      You have a new relationship now, who is apparently feeling some stress in dealing with these matters. Treat her like gold and respect her wishes in this too. If she is supportive and is willing to stand by you in fighting all this, and you handle it well, this can be a relationship builder instead of destroyer. I have been lucky enough to find one of these angels along the way, and she has been fantastic at helping me keep my focus and keeping things focused on what's best for the kids. I wouldn't dream of letting my ex into "our" house now, not a chance.

      BTW, I went through something like this with my ex a year and a half ago - they wanted to have an "inspection" done of my house (my ex denied access for two months because she decided that my house was messy and unsafe yet she had never set foot in it, and I keep my house much cleaner than hers - I have been there many times for drop offs, etc.). So bullishly I said fine, go ahead. They delayed, and I pushed them time and time again to do it. They never did. Then they used this lack of inspection to try to deny access again. They have never done the inspection - it was just a bunch of bs and looking for an excuse to withhold access.

      Your daughter needs a decent environment to grow up in. Focus on providing that, encourage her to clean up her toys, her room, clothes, etc. Create routines, rewards, etc. Help your daughter be proud of her space at your house, and she will want to be there more in the future, and it starts good habits that she (and you) will be thankful for in the future.

      At the end of the day, that's what this whole argument is about - your ex wants a good environment for your daughter. Focus on supplying your daughter with one, and diplomatically tell your ex to buzz off. Send her the video if you want to feel like you are being cooperative. But keep her out of your house, nothing good can come from it.

      Right now your ex has no excuse to deny access based on the condition of your house. Don't let her in or she might find one. Or she might even lie about it and leave the onus on you to convince the judge otherwise. Nip this in the bud! Don't let her in!

      Comment


      • #33
        I’m surprised you got the advice you did from your counsel in terms of letting your ex in the house to see your child’s room. Your ex is being controlling and manipulative and if you say yes, you are silently sending the message that it is okay to treat you that way which will likely only continue in future and get worse. Who knows what she will demand next!!! Personally, I don’t agree with doing a video, she has no grounds to ask you for this info, and if you do it, you will still be caving.

        Stop the madness now and just politely e-mail, suggestion as follows:

        “Pursuant to the order/parenting plan, our child is cared for appropriately during access times. I will continue to abide by this order/parenting plan as it pertains to our child and communicate with you in accordance with that order. Any concerns or demands superseding the order/parenting plan, such as your request to enter my home and inspect the premises, should be addressed through counsel.”

        If I were you, I would just continue to e-mail her this same response, eventually, she will get the message. Otherwise, if you keep responding to her or giving in, it just engages her to keep doing what she is doing.

        Good Luck.

        Comment


        • #34
          The lawyer said that she is not entitled, but in the grand scheme of things is it a huge issue? Especially considering we need her to sign the agreement providing me with more parenting time.

          My ex just likes to spit venom whenever she can. For the most part I have become ambivilent to it. There are days when it does get to me, but generally, I brush it off. My fiance is taking this personally, and I can't really blame her. My ex is bullying her around in her house.....Ex is being disrespectful and generally uncooperative.

          I am not affraid of having her in the house. The house is older and small, but it is tidy and pretty well maintained. I like it, it is comfortable.

          For now, my fiance and I have agreed to allow her into the house to see D6's room. Given the layout of the house, she may see the living room, but won't enter it. Same with the master bedroom. But overall, she won't see much.

          I know I do not have to permit her in. But if by doing this I can move forward with the more important matter of our agreement being revised, I will make these small consessions.

          As for my fiance, she is great. It is just hard on her to have this other woman forcing her way into our private space. Fiance will be fine, I took her out to dinner last night and have apologized. She has no idea why I stayed so long with my ex though....I explain it as you never realize you are being abused until you truely leave.

          Comment


          • #35
            She has no idea why I stayed so long with my ex though....I explain it as you never realize you are being abused until you truely leave.
            The hardest part of my divorce "story" that I have tried to explain to anyone.

            Good luck with the "inspection", and I hope it goes well for you. Just protect yourself with a recording or something. People are crazy.

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by formyGirls View Post
              Good luck with the "inspection", and I hope it goes well for you. Just protect yourself with a recording or something. People are crazy.
              My fiance and I will be there. We are going to be pleasant, offer water etc, but otherwise with escort her to the room and out. We are debating on using a voice recorder to ensure we are protected.

              We actually moved some pictures around, cleaned a bit. I finally bought the bookcase for d6's room which I had been meaning to buy for sometime. Fiance put the family portrait of me, fiance and D6 on the landing on the stairs leading down to the side door.....hopefully she sees this and it drives her nuts.

              Comment


              • #37
                HammerDad...in the grand scheme of things...yes...this is a big issue. You are, yet again, caving to her demands. She has absolutely no right at all to ask this of you. You are here, because you have never said "no" to her and stuck by it.

                By doing this I'm afraid you are just allowing for more drama down the road.

                It is apparent that she will stop at nothing when it comes to having total control over your daughter and her environment while on your time. Are you prepared for her demands of a dietary menu, of a complete list of all cleaning supplies used, to only purchase name brand items she approves of for your daughters consumption and use? ...the list could go on and on...for many, many years...and probably will.

                Because...really...in the scheme of things...if she doesn't trust that you are providing adequate care for your daughter at this point...she never will. She will never back down with her "future demands" unless you stop it.

                Don't think you'll ever be able to "move foward" with her. She wants total control and will stop at nothing in order to get it.

                Your "small concessions" are exactly what have gotten you to this point.

                You are still allowing her to abuse you...and your daughter.

                I wish it would be easier to say no...but at some point you really do need to stand up to her once and for all...otherwise your relationship and your care of your daughter will always be under "question" by her...and she will always "turn up the heat" until she eventually gets her way...at any cost.

                I feel for you...and your fiance. ...and more importantly...your daughter.

                Comment


                • #38
                  hopefully she sees this and it drives her nuts.
                  Not a long trip, by the sounds of it!

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Originally posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
                    HammerDad...in the grand scheme of things...yes...this is a big issue. You are, yet again, caving to her demands. She has absolutely no right at all to ask this of you. You are here, because you have never said "no" to her and stuck by it.

                    By doing this I'm afraid you are just allowing for more drama down the road.

                    It is apparent that she will stop at nothing when it comes to having total control over your daughter and her environment while on your time. Are you prepared for her demands of a dietary menu, of a complete list of all cleaning supplies used, to only purchase name brand items she approves of for your daughters consumption and use? ...the list could go on and on...for many, many years...and probably will.

                    Because...really...in the scheme of things...if she doesn't trust that you are providing adequate care for your daughter at this point...she never will. She will never back down with her "future demands" unless you stop it.

                    Don't think you'll ever be able to "move foward" with her. She wants total control and will stop at nothing in order to get it.

                    Your "small concessions" are exactly what have gotten you to this point.

                    You are still allowing her to abuse you...and your daughter.

                    I wish it would be easier to say no...but at some point you really do need to stand up to her once and for all...otherwise your relationship and your care of your daughter will always be under "question" by her...and she will always "turn up the heat" until she eventually gets her way...at any cost.

                    I feel for you...and your fiance. ...and more importantly...your daughter.
                    I understand there is this chance. Had it not been for the pending amending agreement, the answer would have been a simple no. But given my need to have her sign the amending agreement, my position is compromised.

                    However, once we are past the signing of the new agreement, my level of tolerance for her antics significantly diminish.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                      Fiance put the family portrait of me, fiance and D6 on the landing on the stairs leading down to the side door.....hopefully she sees this and it drives her nuts.
                      If you are letting her in your house for the purpose of signing a new agreement (which I totally understand), I would not do anything to jeopardize the visit.

                      Driving her nuts is the opposite of what you want to accomplish.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        I think showing your Ex your daughter's room is ok. And agree that with the pending paperwork it might grease the wheels.

                        Giving a control freak at least the feeling that they have some control keeps them at bay.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          There's no chance of doing it the other way around, is there? "Sure, come see the daughter's room after the agreement is signed!"

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                            OK, so I am torn.

                            I spoke with a lawyer today at my firm and she said the ex isn't entitled to come into my house. But she said, is it such a big deal in the grand scheme of things and what kind of issues can this cause down the road. Effectively to pick and choose my battles. She actually said to invite her over for coffee another day, sit her down to start and get her reaction. If she is a bitch, she see's D6's room and nothing more and leaves. If she is pleasant, return in kind......personally, I don't like this and I know my fiance will hate the idea.

                            If my ex hadn't of invited herself into my house and stated she wanted to "make sure it is ok" I wouldn't have an issue with her coming in as I have nothing to hide. But because of the way she has come off, and her apparent intention of playing the CAS worker, I have become defensive and apprehensive.

                            Anyway as it stands, I don't know how I want to proceed. I don't want her in my house under these pretenses. But we are also finalizing another agreement which will provide me with more time with D6 and getting my ex's agreement in writing to D6 coming to my destination wedding (which won't happen if D6 isn't there). So I need the ex to sign this, and because of that I am in a tough spot.

                            Chances are I cave, and allow her in to see D6's room (and only her room, nothing more and nothing less).
                            Originally posted by Mess View Post
                            Your ex doesn't care what your house is like, she is doing this out of control and harrassment.

                            The primary thing you must not do is allow her to get a rise out of you because this feeds her behaviour. She does it to get a reaction from you, if you give her the reaction she keeps doing it.

                            Shrug your shoulders and in the most blase way, say you have no idea why she would care but she is welcome to come in go through your cupboards and closets if that will make her feel better. Then laugh at the idea, roll your eyes, smirk and hand her your house keys and ask her if she wants a copy.
                            Just wanted to share a story that may let you see this from another angle.
                            I personally don't want to invite my ex in, but I do... and here is why.

                            Her husband has made it known to my son that I am never allowed in the house. Period.

                            I understand why he feels this way, but I don't understand how he is so blind to the fact that him making this rule upsets my son. He is often asking me why I am not allowed inside Mom's house - but Mom is allowed inside my house. Well there's no good answer to that is there? And he already knows the answer... So what do I say? "Because step-dad is a jerk?"

                            No - because that would be a bad thing for me to do. Just like not allowing Dad to see the christmas tree that the 5 year old boy wants to show off to his Dad is bad too. Its a simple thing. Humour the kid. Smile and fake it for 5 minutes.

                            Do you think the boy will eventually HATE step-dad if he keeps knocking down his real Dad like that?

                            I do. Give it enough time, and I'm certain of it.

                            Just another side of the coin to think about.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              So...you really think catering to her demands this time is going to get her to sign your amended agreement without a serious fight and going to court?

                              Think about it for a second. You are asking her to give you more time with your daughter and permission for your daughter to go to another country with you.

                              You are asking for her to be reasonable and ok with this when she isn't even ok with your daughter camping, going to birthday parties or generally just being in your house...

                              ...My predicition, based on her past and current behaviour, is that you have a better chance of seeing Unicorns farting glitter in your backyard than her signing your proposed amended agreement.

                              I'm not being rude about this. Sadly, you are expecting her to act 100% out of character by giving in to her demands. I was the same way with my ex at the beginning. Then I realized that no matter what I did, or how often I allowed him to get his way, he would never be reasonable when it came to certain things. I've accepted this about him and have now found ways to work around it...however, none of those ways involve giving in to his demands and then expecting him to be agreeable with something I ask for. It just won't happen.

                              Good luck to you...

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Originally posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
                                So...you really think catering to her demands this time is going to get her to sign your amended agreement without a serious fight and going to court?
                                I already have emails from her agreeing to the various provisions. We've worked out the amendment, we just haven't papered it yet.

                                She could delay or refuse to sign. But I have 3 emails from her agreeing to the new terms. It should be a slam dunk (if you take out the otherwise inconsistent nature of family court) should she refuse to sign.

                                Comment

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