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  • Loss of 'out-laws'...

    I've worked since the age of 14...since I was married I worked 3 jobs at some times, jumped at overtime opportunities, and always worked (same company for 20+ years). Now after 13 years of marriage, 3 counsellors, 1 on-line counsellor we are separated. On my end it was primarily due receiving lack of communication from my spouse, lack of affection, lack of respect, lack of physical touch (your husband should not pull away when you rub/touch his arm) etc...I couldn't take it anymore and all of this is documented in our on-line counselling experience.

    So...With my husbands family for over 15 years I've grown to love his parents and have always treated his parents like my own. He has told me I cannot see them (in turn my parents have sent emails, and physically have seen each other and remain more than amicable-letting him know that he will always be family).

    I have found out he has told his family I was having an affair (not !)...all of our problems are in our online documentation which is viewable to anyone ! Why would my ex lie like this -it is very hurtful and I'm feeling even more crushed because I've lost a set of 'parents' whom I respected dearly and never anticipated I'd have to lose complete contact with them.

    Any advice...I'm sure not everyone loves their mother/father in-law but I'm feeling more upset about their loss than I am about my ex...UGH !

  • #2
    If it were me I would write a sincere letter to the in-laws and explain that while you understand how your ex is upset and may be saying "various things", the break up was not due any affair on either side and was simply because of growing apart.

    Express that you love them like your own family and always will. Then just accept how they react. They may feel awkward and limit contact, you can't change that.

    Take the high road, don't trash your ex, but yes you have a right to express to your ex-in-laws that you still care for them.

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    • #3
      It is possible to continue a relationship with your ex-in-laws. I am extremely close to my former father-in-law. I consider him a very dear friend and still go to him for advice on many things. He was even at my wedding when I remarried! How many brides have 2 father-in-laws at their wedding? LOL! I would absolutely let them know the truth and reassure them that you love and miss them.

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      • #4
        i agree with mess. dont play the blame game and just tell them that over the years you have grown to love and respect them as people not just inlaws.

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        • #5
          Yup, go about your way and continue the relationship. They're grown adults and are entitled to and capable of making their own decisions. I highly doubt he would give them an ultimatum on not having a relationship with you, but if he does it speaks a lot towards the anger and biterness he has and they will see that without you saying a word against him.

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          • #6
            I would follow most of the advice that has been given. I have a relationship with my ex's dad. When he wants to see his grandkids he contacts me not his own son. It was a bit weird at first but we have maintained communication through the years and he realizes that his sons side of the story isnt the only one and stays out of the whole thing.

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            • #7
              Thanks everyone...Great advice.
              I have to over-come the language barrier (I do not speak their native language and they speak very little English) but I am going to TRY...which is all I can do !

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              • #8
                He's afraid they will take your side and choose you over him. It's a sign that he knows he's to blame for the relationship breakdown.

                Very similar to my situation, actually. I love my exlaws very much, and we're still close. I think I see them more than he does. But he was always self-absorbed and left all get-together arrangements to me when we were married, so now I guess it's hard for him to maintain the relationship with his parents, but that's between him and them.

                Your ex cannot dictate what his parents do, or who they choose to associate with. Nor you. Stay in touch with them, demonstrate the maturity to respect that they will always love their son of course, and let the relationship proceed on their terms.

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                • #9
                  Well for me, I prefer that my ex does not hang out with my family. She continues to treat me poorly and I want my family to have my back.

                  How can my family be friends with her while she continues to say bad things about me and in general is a pain in the a** as I try to move toward a divorce? She can't have it both ways.

                  In turn, I have written to my sister in law and said that given that I don't want my ex in my life, I will refrain from being in hers, and do not have contact with my sister in law, her husband or kids. I miss them, but it is something that works for me.

                  I am friendly, but not friends - I will speak with her side of the family when I come across them, but I will not have them over to my house or attend any family functions on her side (guideline, not a rule). I have my kids half the time, so they have plenty of opportunity to see both sides of the family.

                  Ex's and their family belong in the past is my view - I prefer to look forward to sharing my life with someone and their family, and not spend time in the past.

                  So, my point is that I do have expectations of my family to choose me over my ex - that is what family is all about!

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mess View Post
                    If it were me I would write a sincere letter to the in-laws and explain that while you understand how your ex is upset and may be saying "various things", the break up was not due any affair on either side and was simply because of growing apart.

                    Express that you love them like your own family and always will. Then just accept how they react. They may feel awkward and limit contact, you can't change that.

                    Take the high road, don't trash your ex, but yes you have a right to express to your ex-in-laws that you still care for them.
                    Generally I don't disagree with Mess. But, this is one situation where I would disagree somewhat.

                    What your ex is doing is known commonly as a "distortion campaign" and is a common tactic of disordered personalities. I would stay clear of your in-laws despite how you feel. They know you and the person you are and if they felt he was wrong they will eventually contact you.

                    You cannot control what your ex says to others. But, you can document what has been said and hold on to it if necessary.

                    Your in-laws are his parents. I wouldn't give them any evidence that you may find in court. You don't know what they are thinking and in fact, they may not even want to be involved at all hence the silence.

                    Grab a copy of "Walking on Eggshells". Randi Kregger does an excellent job outlining distortion campaigns.

                    Cheers,
                    Tayken

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