Visitation and Parental alienation

[momliz]

I wonder if someone can help me. I have two boys aged 18, and 14 and a 13 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We've been divorced for 12 years. My eldest has lived with his Dad for four years. He wanted to live with his Dad and he was always beating up his younger brother and getting in trouble at school. His Dad convinced me he could turn the boy around. I have noticed a change in him and he is a very responsible young man. At the same time he doesn't really care to have much to do with me. He's 18 and an adult now and there isn't anything I can do to change anything. I'm sure he sees it as I single handedly broke up my marriage and family (not true but someone has to be at fault, right?)

The 14 year old and the 13 year old have been living with me for all of the last 12 years. Up until July when my ex came to my house before anyone was awake and snuck my 14 year old son out of the house. It turns out even if you have full custody the Police can do nothing when something like this happens. The ex lives in another city. My son is now enrolled in school there. Except for the one time I drove down there and convinced the boys to let me take them out to a restaurant for lunch they have had very little contact with me. There is no phone at their house. I try emailing them or messaging them on Facebook but they rarely respond. There was no argument or incident that triggered this complete shut down so I'm dealing with my own hurt and shock at this rejection (I see a counsellor). I have tried to convince them to see me many many times but there is always some excuse why they won't see me.

I had finally convinced both boys to come and spend this past weekend at my house but when I emailed my oldest and asked him what time I should pick them up he "remembered" he had to work and my other son had to go to cadet camp. These children are my heart and soul and it's very painful to be cut off so completely and rejected at every turn.

My ex filed a motion to change support. In my response I asked to see my sons. The response was filed more than a month ago and so far nothing has happened. I was told I would be served once a case conference date was set. I have so far sent him 3 offers to settle. I feel that if we can resolve the financial things the ex will cool off the hatred towards me and the boys will start to warm up to me again. The older boy used to visit me frequently before his brother joined him.

I read online if you want to see your child you can file a motion but I'm thinking I can't file a motion if he already has a motion in process. Is there some way I can see my sons? How do I get a temporary order so I don't have to wait however long until the motion is settled to see my sons. If I get a temporary order and the boys say they don't want to see me or if they have excuses for why they're too busy I'm assuming there's nothing I can do. The 18 year old probably doesn't ever have to see me if he doesn't want to but what about the 14 year old. If there was an order would he have to see me?

[Janus]

If I get a temporary order and the boys say they don't want to see me or if they have excuses for why they're too busy I'm assuming there's nothing I can do.

Unfortunate but true, unless you can prove alienation, which is very difficult.

The 18 year old probably doesn't ever have to see me if he doesn't want to but what about the 14 year old. If there was an order would he have to see me?

Probably not, the courts will generally listen to the wishes of a 14-year old.

As a bonus kick in the ass, you'll probably have to start paying CS too.

[momliz]

Unfortunate but true, unless you can prove alienation, which is very difficult.



Probably not, the courts will generally listen to the wishes of a 14-year old.

As a bonus kick in the ass, you'll probably have to start paying CS too.

I'm fine with paying CS. So basically there's a pretty good chance I will never see my boys again I guess. Or at least until they grow up and their Dad is no longer poisoning them against me.

The only way I could really prove alienation is I suppose to have them repeat some of the things they have told me. But then that's unfair to them. I don't want to make things worse for them.

[Berner_Faith]

Never stop reaching out, never stop trying...

I have told this story before, but a short version of it is, my cousin's wife left him because he was abusive, the day she left he beat the crap out of her, her girls were at school and she had no choice... For 2 years she never saw her girls, even though there was court involved the girls were 14 and 12 and were not forced to see her. She never gave up, paid her cs, sent birthday cards, emails everything... When the oldest turned 16, she reached out to her mom, the younger one followed.

You need to continue trying, letting your boys know you love them and will always be there for them.

Best of luck!

[hadenough]

^ quote by OP: "my ex came to my house before anyone was awake and snuck my 14 year old son out of the house. It turns out even if you have full custody the Police can do nothing when something like this happens. The ex lives in another city."

How does that happen? Sneaking out a 14 year old and taking him to another City? I don't get it.

[Rioe]

Presumably the 14 year old has to cooperate. Willing conspirator, tricked, whatever.

[momliz]

Yes. The two of them plotted the whole thing it turns out. I wake up at 7 am and he's gone and his drawers are empty. I call the Police and they find out he's with Dad. I would never do something like that to my ex. There is nothing worse than thinking your child is missing and not knowing where they are.

[momliz]

Never stop reaching out, never stop trying...

I have told this story before, but a short version of it is, my cousin's wife left him because he was abusive, the day she left he beat the crap out of her, her girls were at school and she had no choice... For 2 years she never saw her girls, even though there was court involved the girls were 14 and 12 and were not forced to see her. She never gave up, paid her cs, sent birthday cards, emails everything... When the oldest turned 16, she reached out to her mom, the younger one followed.

You need to continue trying, letting your boys know you love them and will always be there for them.

Best of luck!

Thank you for your support. I think you gave good advice.

[hadenough]

The entire scenario is unimaginably horrible. I don't understand how any of it is acceptable by law, and even moreso b/c the Father is in a different city. You had sole custody? Break and Enter or unlawful entry, abduction, anything?
And what exactly did the cops say/do?

I'm sorry. I don't know what to say..

[momliz]

I'm sure the Police did the best they could do. The officer who came out read over the custody order three times. They asked how old he is. At the time 13. In the end they said the order doesn't say "Police enforcable". Their hands are tied.

[caranna]

Never stop reaching out, never stop trying...

I have told this story before, but a short version of it is, my cousin's wife left him because he was abusive, the day she left he beat the crap out of her, her girls were at school and she had no choice... For 2 years she never saw her girls, even though there was court involved the girls were 14 and 12 and were not forced to see her. She never gave up, paid her cs, sent birthday cards, emails everything... When the oldest turned 16, she reached out to her mom, the younger one followed.

You need to continue trying, letting your boys know you love them and will always be there for them.

Best of luck!

I wonder why the daughters weren't "forced" to have contact with their mom, especially under the circumstances and also because she obviously very much wanted to be involved in their lives. She sounds like an extraordinarily strong, amazing and remarkable woman and mother. May she and her daughters have a wonderful, fulfilling life.

[Berner_Faith]

The children were appointed a lawyer... They told the lawyer and court that if they were froced they would just leave her house. Unfortunately due to the fear their fatjer put into them, they were not willing to go against his wishes

[caranna]

The children were appointed a lawyer... They told the lawyer and court that if they were froced they would just leave her house. Unfortunately due to the fear their fatjer put into them, they were not willing to go against his wishes

How very sad. I'm very glad that they were able to escape the hold he had on them. He sounds like a very dangerous person who could have made his daughters have a life of hellish misery both with him and later on in their lives.

[Berner_Faith]

How very sad. I'm very glad that they were able to escape the hold he had on them. He sounds like a very dangerous person who could have made his daughters have a life of hellish misery both with him and later on in their lives.

My cousin had/has a very disturbing past... My uncle was no saint to my Aunt... My cousin witnessed and experienced a lot of abuse growing up. He never received the help he needed growing up and into adulthood was a very miserable person. Since the girls have reconnected with their mother, my cousin has gotten a lot better. He went to anger management and is finally seeing a therapist... I give those two girls a lot of credit as they truly stepped up and helped themselves, their mother and their Father.

[momof4]

I have been separated since 2006 and have shared custody of our four children. I have barely seen my two oldest sons since 2008 as they are too scared to visit me. I have court ordered equal access (every other week) with my two youngest, however my third son promptly lived full-time with his dad the second he turned 12. Again, I rarely see him and when he does come over, my ex will call him within an hour of arriving and bribe him with something to get him back.

Last night my 10 yo daughter called me crying as she was so scared of her dad. It seems that because I had seen her during the day yesterday (while I fully disclosed to him and her brothers what our plans were), she was now being punished with no computer/tv, no friends over, and absolutely is not see me during his weeks because of this. His words were, you are not allowed to answer the door for anyone, especially your mother. I have never refused access to him during my weeks. In fact, he takes her during my week for dinner on occasion. She was so distraught she was physically ill. I told her to go to her oldest brother and she said she was too afraid to because he would just tell their dad. She kept calling, feeling very threatened. I called the police to ask if I could pick her up. They said no because it is his week (he too mentioned 'police enforceable' in court order) but they went to assess situation. Of course everything was fine, she was to scared to say otherwise.

I want to protect my kids but I cannot. His emotional abuse of me does not matter. His emotional abuse of my kids does not matter. You and I are two in a long line of parents who are at the mercy of our abusive exes.