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  • Advice on Child Terminating Relationship

    Hi all,

    Could really use some advice on this. My finace received the following email from his 14 year old daughter:

    this may have grammar and spelling mistakes because this was done quickly just so I could get all my opinions and ideas out.

    Dear [dad's first name],
    I have made the decision to no longer see you. This decision was made because you have ignored, disappointed, used and lied to me. You were never meant to be a father which is quite clear because of your many neglected father responsibilities.
    You are probably wondering 'where I am coming from'. Well there are several reasons as to why I am extremely frustrated (not to mention I should be doing my homework and chores right now).
    One of the reasons is that you have used me, this is shown by you taking me to parties ([kamkatie]'s stupid 'family get togethers') that I don't want to go to. I may look happy for these occasions but that is just good acting. I know that the only reason you take me is that you want to show everyone how well behaved I am and how much you taught me(ya right, you have taught me NADA).

    Now a large problem I am having with you is that you ignore what I do and say. A perfect example of this is when I had told you sooo many times that I HATE [kamkatie] and about two or three weeks later you and her are engaged and it isn't as if you just forgot what I said (that isn't something you just forget).
    Something else that you have been doing quite frequently is disappointing me. You have been doing this by almost never coming to my games and the excuse for this is that you have come to two games (and that is alot of games?). You know what, I will just excuse you from not coming to see my first A game because your schedule is sooo busy (oh wait no). How can your little house league volleyball team, your 'big manager job', your cleaning job that is oh so busy and bringing 'the kids' to events (and I'm so sure that [kamkatie]'s fat kids play alot of sports that you have to take them to all of the time. Most of the things that you "commit" to just get dropped or you are late for them or way,way too early)?
    Now because your puny brain can't understand what I am saying I will just let you know now that the problem is not [kamkatie] it is you! This was happening before you met [kamkatie] or even before you decided to walk out on our family.
    The problem was not caused by my mom either, just because I live with her doesn't mean that I say and do whatever she does. I know that you said something to her because she came home the other night asking if she had done anything to make me feel the way I do about you (and I said to her that it was all [dad's first name]'s fault...meaning you) that kind of question doesn't just pop up out of the blue so I know you said something to her. LEAVE MY MOM OUT OF THIS. Just because you don't have the guts (or the brains) to solve your own problems doesn't mean you can pull my mom into it especially when she wants nothing to do with it at all it just adds extra stress in her life which could put the baby in danger.
    I just want to end this feud between the both of us, I forget about you and you forget about me. I think that this relationship between the both of us is no longer serving a purpose and so I will never consider you as my father ever again and if you think that this is just some childish phase you are so incredibly wrong I want nothing to do with you ever again.
    from,
    [daughter's first name][daughter's "new" lastname]
    P.S. don't be stupid and keep sending me e-mails because I will not respond, don't think this is our new way of communicating.



    We're wondering where to go from here. My fiance has been completely unable to contact his daughter (this email was sent sept'08). We still got her Christmas presents, just sent them to the house with her brother and sister and he has continued to call and try to see her to discuss what's going on. I'm looking for any suggestions/advice on where we go from here.

    Thanks in advance,

    kamkatie

  • #2
    Ouch... But I can feel it from the daughter's perspective. My parents divorced when I was 5, and as a teen I had a lot of the same anger issues that his daughter has.
    Unfortunately, I can't offer you advice that you or others on the board may or may not agree with; but putting myself back into the place where she is... let her decide for herself and just be there when she's ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you should ignore her, but don't push her to contact. Send the normal gifts or cards or things you would otherwise (but don't try to appear extravagant or that you are trying to buy back her contact).

    It will take time, but let her decide when she is ready. It will happen, it just takes time.
    I speak to my father every day now, we share pictures, our days, send cards and things; basically we have a father/daughter relationship after he gave me the opportunity to decide when I was ready, and I think that may very well be the best thing that you can do for her too.

    Best of luck

    Comment


    • #3
      I know that it is heart breaking to hear those things come out of a child. I am also the child of a divorce and had little to no contact with my dad while I was growing up (due to distance) and went through a really rough stage of being really angry at him for things out of his control. He still sent the normal presents and make the annual calls at chirstmas, but never pushed anything too hard. I know (now) it broke his heart! We have a wonderful relationship now and I consider us very close. It may be very hard to stand back and watch, but the harder he pushes, the angrier she will get. Try and stick it out, and hopefully she will come around....good luck.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks for the advice. I have very little experience about divorce from a child's perspective. I'm lucky, my parents are still together after 35 years. We are trying to be patient and understanding. "Dad" sent an email response to this originally simply stating that he hoped someday she would forgive him and he will always love her. I guess we'll just continue on the way we have been. Letting her know she is always welcome and hoping she'll come around.

        Sigh, patience has never been my strong suit.

        Thanks again,

        kamkatie

        Comment


        • #5
          I have to agree with Kim. As a child of divorce as well, there is so much hurt and anger that happens. Sometimes it is not immediate, but it builds and builds inside and eventually you lash out, as she did in her email. Tell him to keep emailing simple notes that he is thinking of her, and also to keep sending cards, etc. As much as she pretends not to, I can tell from the email that she secretly wants him to prove his love. She will eventually come around. Honestly. It will take some time though. And he has to keep the lines of communication open so that it will be easy for her to do so. Children are very forgiving.
          I hope it all works out

          Comment


          • #6
            There are MANY, MANY cases of this nature, CanLII - Advanced Search and the paying parent won to terminate CS when a child unilaterally terminates visitation etc.

            Do a search in the above link with your criteria.
            There is nothing more painful then this type of thing.
            PAS is a route you could pursue as well, as there must be some coaching going on for this type of thing to happen without just cause by the non-custodial parent.

            How much influance does it appear that the custodial parent is introducing into the equasion? DO NOT loose the letter it will be of great benefit to your case should you need to use it.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks FL,

              I feel the custodial parent has a huge influence on current attitudes and behaviours. She, of course, would say she has done nothing wrong and has never encouraged the children to think less of their father or prevent them from seeing him. Of course, last long weekend it was our weekend, we asked to keep the youngest child an extra day and were denied. It was our weekend last weekend and the two eldest girls had a ringette tournament out of town. They left and we showed up to pick up the youngest child and lo and behold, no one is home. So instead of getting him on Saturday at 5 we had to drive an hour across town to get him and take him to his hockey practice for 8 in the morning on Sunday. This is starting to become a pattern. She changed access from Fridays at 5 to Saturdays at 5 because my fiance works on Saturdays. Her perspective was that if dad wasn't around then there was no point in son being there. Are you kidding! I love having this child in my house, my children look forward to seeing him. It crushes them everytime we have to say he's not coming. That we are considered second class citizens is obvious everytime the older kids open their mouths. Nothing in our household is good enough. We bought the eldest child a cellphone for her grad present. Mom replaced it a month later with a newer/better version. They are being raised with the impression that having money automatically makes you better then everyone else. We don't make nearly as much as they do so we never measure up. The two eldest believe mom can do no wrong. They blame dad for the divorce. Yes, he did leave, however he left after her numerous infidelities. Not that I advocate telling the kids that. Mom lavishes these kids with everything they want. There is no restraint in the household. Whereas we believe kids always have what they need, not always have what they want. From what I have seen proving PAS is next to impossible and there is no way we have the resources to pursue that course. My research on the CANLII site shows that the majority of cases where the child support burden has been lifted have all been after the age of majority. All we want is a relationship with these kids. Its so frustrating.

              Comment

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