New to the site, but not new to the topics!

[InterprovincialParents]

We are a married couple with two children...a true blended family. We deal with one-hate to say it, but...deadbeat ex, and one who wishes we were deadbeats...lol...we have seen the system from both sides, and have been involved, for the last 10 years, with the court systems in Canada...one of us also works in the field.

We battle each year with one to see the child, and with the other each year to see if he WANTS to see the child...

We have seen fraudulent section 7 expenses, had periods of up to 4 years where we could not see a child, had veiled sexual abuse innuendoes thrown our way, dealt with schools that refused to discuss the child's schooling (which went all the way to the trustees)...the whole gamut...

We now fight for parent's rights-mothers or fathers-in whatever way we can, and fight to maintain and grow the relationships between our children and our family...

We are one of those people where you hear the horror stories in family law, and think "Oh my God!" but we continue to fight the good fight and do what is best for both of our children

[logicalvelocity]

Welcome to the forum!

[InterprovincialParents]

For any who care to know, here are our stories:

HER: walked away from a relationship at 2 months pregnant when dad said he did not wish to be a parent. Sought sole custody, without argument from said dad. CS set, never paid. Default hearing occurs, he no-shows...warrant for committal issued, but it is a low priority for law enforcement. I do all I can to have son involved with that family, including visits with grandparents...after 10 yrs of trying to encourage a father-son relationship, I give up....husband will be adopting son.

HIM: walked out on wife when she was 2 months pregnant after discovering the third affair and passing his threshold for verbal abuse. Signed sep ag before child was born, never thinking it could even be his child. Paternity tests found it was. woohoo!!

Left on 3 months stress leave (yes, to boot, we worked together). While on leave met HER (MrsIP) and discovered a shared passion and a willingness to work with the chaos that may be an ex (no one could foretell how insane the situation would become). They moved across the country (HER with her son to be with HIM (MrIP)). The insane Ex, let us call her IT to make is simple, insisted that all visitation HAD to take place at IT's residence and that HER and HER son were not ALLOWED to participate nor was HE allowed to take his daughter (now 5 months and not breastfeeding) out of IT's house.

During these access visits, HE would suffer never ending verbal abuse, from yelling to full-blown temper tantrums "I WANT YOU TO BE NOTHING MORE THAN A PAYCHEQUE AND BE FAR FAR AWAY FROM HERE" was a frequent quote (it did vary but the theme remained constant). Even Christening was held in secret from bio-dad. In an attempt to break up HIS new family, IT seduced HIM into an affair for a period of 3 months. After the affair had ended and IT realized that IT could no longer entice HIM, IT called HER on the phone and informed HER of the affair and IT's intent to seduce HIM away from HER only to leave him without either family.

After no contact for 2 months (HIM stopped his access for obvious reasons), a mediation session occured. THEY (HIM and HER) could not afford a lawyer so held off any formal process (although, to be honest, HER has always strongly suggested that HE should just take it to court). After 9 months of no access and no sign of things improving, THEY decided to move back to Ontario in order that HER son could resume contact with their extended family which were all in Ontario, including HER son`s father.

Fast forward almost 3 years, several letters to request information and attempts at contact, one cancer scare and enough was finally enough and court proceedings were initiated in order to allow an access visit to occur. It was started through direct negotiation (which, as you might imagine, got nowhere) and ended, the day before the court date (with THEM already on the road accross the country and no agreement at the time).

The visit went reasonably well and HIS daughter immeditately fell in love with her extended family and her step-brother and step-mother in particular. 2 years worth of phone calls and web-cams, soiled on a regual basis by last minute changes where some IT family event would make HIS daughter 'not available' at the regular time with no offer of a reschedule, steady pressure and downward shifts in cooperation when child support fell behind, etc...

At age 7, IT finally agreed that HIS daughter could come to Ontario for a visit. No, not that even that was easy, IT's idea was a 2 week visit, Their idea was a month, they settled for 27 days (entire process took 6 months to negotiate). Of course, nothing is ever that easy. HE had to fly to pick up and return his daughter, no one else was ALLOWED to do it (unless it was his elderly 80-something parents). In addition, ÌT insisted in her access authority letter, that, should HE become ill during the access time and unable to care for HIS dauther, IT was to be called and would fly to Ontario to pick up HIS daughter, no one else was allowed to take care of her, except said 80-yr olds.

Web-cams and telephone calls (1 of each per week) continued fairly regularly, establishing a status quo, for the next year while, in January, a request was sent for the access visit for the following summer. In May, IT still hadn't provided any response. During that time, HE (admittedly with HER prompting) attempted to "bury the hatchet" (no, there was no attempt at physical violence) by initating a regular weekly phone call between HIM and IT in order to discuss parenting issues and hopefully breakdown the lack of trust and disfunctional communication that had evolved between them. After one call, IT e-mailed to state that IT would no long participate in these phone calls.

Once again, in MAY, 5 months later, a negotiated agreement was reached; but, yet again, HE would have to fly to pick up and return HIS daughter (even though HIS adult niece lives in the same city as HIS daughter and HIS daughter knows HIS niece and is quite comfortable). HIS daughter, now 8, could have flown as an unaccompanied minor, thus saving HIM the cost of 2 return flights accross the country, IT would not agree. Also, even though HIS niece was flying back at the same time, on the same flight, IT insisted that HE fly back to return HIS daughter. Knowing full well that the cost of the extra 2 flights would make it impossible for HIM to afford to fly HIS daughter more than once per year.

Despite the unlikelihood of getting an agreement, HE requested a Christmas visit where HIS daughter would fly as an unaccompanied minor, after doing 4 flights. At this point it should be mentioned that HIS daughter has requested more time with her family in Ontario and wanted to come for Christmas. She asked her IT, who has said no, in the past, when HIS daughter requested to come last Christmas, she was told by IT that she was `Not Allowed!`to come visit. Daughter`s words? "mom forced me to stay home"

It`s rather heartbreaking to have an 8 year old asking to come visit and having to say no because her mother won`t agree (all in a bid to limit contact to a bare minimum based on IT's desire to control, and his ability to afford..after paying out-of province lawyers' fees).

This has been the catalyst to initiating the latest court application, interprovincial, interjurisdictional, which will take months and will ensure that HIS daughter isn`t back to visit anytime soon. Regardless of a little girl`s wishes to spend more time with her Dad, Step-Mom and Step-Brother. It seems that facilitating access has a different meaning to different people.

I just don`t get it.

[InterprovincialParents]

And then, the step-mom's view....I do all I can to ensure the relationship is stable and in our childrens`best interest, regardless...ex has faked daycare, provided by her mom and dad, faked all sorts of expenses...but as long as we provide the (over $1000/month for one child paycheque) all is well...

now don`t tell me I am biased...I see both sides...and what hubby wrote is only half of it!

[Gary M]

Yikes.... The mind boggles. HOW can crap like this be allowed to continue?

Gary

[InterprovincialParents]

It is allowed to happen because our court systems need an overhaul...and bitter exes are never willing to settle.

[Gary M]

It is allowed to happen because our court systems need an overhaul...and bitter exes are never willing to settle.

You can say THAT again, Sister!

Cheers,

Gary

[rwm1273]

I think our court system enables one parent to wage a war of attrition on the other. Often people fight because of entitlement, not because of needs.

The FRO is only one of the agencies used to great effect in this horror story. The FRO is only able to do it's job with parent's who take their responsibility seriously.

The FRO has draconian powers to destroy lives in their quest to collect money. The truth of the court order is irrelevant to them, and they enforce how they see fit.

Enforcement means nothing to the parent who does not mind hiding, living without ownership of anything, and does not have any work ethic. These people don't care about their children, and are the deadbeats.

But Enforcement is very effective at destroying the parent who just can't afford to pay, because they are caught up in a legal nightmare of denied access, reduced salaries or sickness, and new family commitments because life does go on after divorce. These people care about their children, and care about how they are labeled. Unfortunately these people do not get many breaks, and these are the ones who end up loosing everything, and often commit suicide.

In either situation, the entire former family unit is destroyed.

There are however some parents who are not able to live with eachother anymore, but still capable of raising their children. They go through the pain of divorce too, but they try to minimize it becasue they know it will only consume them if they let it. They keep the best interest of the child first, and do not deny access or deny money. Support is always on time, and it is a fair representation of their income, and it is used to support the child. Access is never denied or delayed, and there is some give and take when needed.

Unfortunately the people on this site do not fall into this last group of people.

Write a letter to your MP and demand that they vote for Bill C422.

[InterprovincialParents]

Already done that, RWM, as well as sending it to my colleagues-not taken well-and to all of our family members for them to sign...as our extended families have lived this hell along with us for the last 10 years...

[InterprovincialParents]

Oh yeah, and along the way a battle for stepdaughter to retain her Surname (ours...and mom's) when mom put forth an application to change it...Interprovincial legal fees...ha...one battle each year equals 2 less visits with us for daughter...and while it may sound bitter of me to say so, I know darn well that is what mom thinks every time she files something...

This time, I am not jerking around, I am going to apply for it all, and no rinky-dink settlements that cost thousands less that year, and thousands more the next...I am tired of only getting a month with my stepdaughter, and so is my husband

[rwm1273]

I have two children. At 10 yr old girl who is not my DNA, but I have been in her life since she was 6m old, and an 8 year old son who is my dna.

My son was my ex wife's plan to get money from me. We had dated for about 6 months, and the relationship seemed to be going well enough to go to the next level. We both had apartments, so we needed to find a larger place to move to, so I bought a house. Withing a month of us moving into the house, she quick going to university, and unknown to me stopped taking the pill. I asked when she was due back to school, and she said "oh I quit. I didn't like it." it was her fourth year of Native Studies. Then she told me she was late. I was surprised, and initially worried, because we had plans to make money and do some traveling. But I was happy anyways. Set up plans to get married, and prepped our house for another child.

Because we were not married when she gave birth, our son had a hyphenated last name. We got married about 6 months later, and it took her several months to change her name. After the marriage, she said she was going to change our son's name, but she never did. She had a plan.

Just after the marriage, we went through the process for me to adopt the girl. it took 9 months, as we had to wait for the Native Band to accept me to adopt her. He name was changed to mine, and I was put on her birth certificate as her father. 30 days later my ex filed for divorce.

At discoveries, she told my lawyer that she waited 30 days after the adoption so I would be financialy responsible for the girl. She also told my lawyer that she only dated me in the first place because she "knew he would be a good provider".

At trial 2 years later, the judge refused to change my son's last name to match me, my ex wife's, or my adopted daughter. I think the judge thought my ex would change her name back.

Well she has since had another child, and over 5 years later still has not changed her name, but refuses to allow my son to have his name changed.

She has my last name, her illigitimate child has my last name, my adopted daughter has my last name, but my natural child does not. She refuses to allow this change, relying upon the trial order and says she doesn't have to change it. She uses this just because she knows it is something to continue to cause conflict.

My son has just started to question why his name is different than everyone else's name. It just hurts me. I just tell him he does not need to worry about it, because we know who he is. But it does cause problems at the doctor, school, and other places because I need to continue to show a court order to prove I am the dad, and he is my son.

[blinkandimgone]

If he has a hyphenated name containing both yours and her name then how would that cause any issues at school, doctors or anywhere else?

Seems to me if he's upset about his name being different then likely it has something to do with the answers he was given when he asked. Thats sad.

[rwm1273]

If he has a hyphenated name containing both yours and her name then how would that cause any issues at school, doctors or anywhere else?

Seems to me if he's upset about his name being different then likely it has something to do with the answers he was given when he asked. Thats sad.

His name for his computer password is very long. His swim pass does not fit his whole name on it either, and when his name is called out, they don't know how to pronounce all of it, because my last name is only half spelled as it is the last half of the hyphened wording, and he gets embarrassed.

The doctor's office had his file under the first half of his hyphenated name, but the rest of the family is under my name. He was upset when he was not included with the rest of the family. He feels left out.

So are you trying to insinuate that I'm to blame for him wondering why he is the only one with a different name? What is sad is you don't understand. Are you still trying to insult me?

How would you explain to him why his last name is different? He wonder's why his little sister has my last name, but he doesn't. His little sister is another illegitimate child my ex had a few years ago, and does not have a father, and he knows this.

[InterprovincialParents]

His little sister is another illegitimate child my ex had a few years ago, and does not have a father, and he knows this.

Why does he know this???

[Gary M]

So are you trying to insinuate that I'm to blame for him wondering why he is the only one with a different name? What is sad is you don't understand. Are you still trying to insult me?

I have to say, my Friend, that I'm thinking along the same lines... If your son has issues, it's because a Big Deal has been made of the situation.

And I, too, want to know how he knows about his half-sister

Cheers!

Gary