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How do I encourage a 50/50 parenting schedule?

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  • How do I encourage a 50/50 parenting schedule?

    So at the moment our son is with me 99% of the time and although I love him, I think it would be in his best interest to spend more time with his father. I must admit that when we were still married, I did nag him about putting in more effort to develop his relationship with S7. That obviously fell on deaf ears and here we are.

    Anyway.. I'd like some suggestions on how to approach my ex about spending more time with S7. At the moment, he gives excuses as to why he cannot. Ie. He can't afford a babysitter, his work schedule is unpredictable, he doesn't live close enough to the school/daycare etc..

    I just want to know if anybody has any suggetions as to how I can counter his arguments and stress how important this is. My ex isn't bad guy; just selfish and has no idea when it comes to kids. And before you jump on me for calling him selfish; understand that I have told him this numerous times and he knows the truth of it.

    Well, any help is appreciated. Thanks.

  • #2
    Originally posted by stressedmama View Post
    So at the moment our son is with me 99% of the time and although I love him, I think it would be in his best interest to spend more time with his father. I must admit that when we were still married, I did nag him about putting in more effort to develop his relationship with S7. That obviously fell on deaf ears and here we are.

    Anyway.. I'd like some suggestions on how to approach my ex about spending more time with S7. At the moment, he gives excuses as to why he cannot. Ie. He can't afford a babysitter, his work schedule is unpredictable, he doesn't live close enough to the school/daycare etc..

    I just want to know if anybody has any suggetions as to how I can counter his arguments and stress how important this is. My ex isn't bad guy; just selfish and has no idea when it comes to kids. And before you jump on me for calling him selfish; understand that I have told him this numerous times and he knows the truth of it.

    Well, any help is appreciated. Thanks.
    Stressedmama:

    There are many things you can do for example:

    Recommend a 50-50 schedule based on a 2-2-3-3 schedule. This is where the child is with you for two days, with dad for two days, then you for 3 days and dad for 3 days. This could potentially address some of the concerns about schedule.

    With regards to cost, on a 50-50 basis child support is calculated on an "offset method". So, the amount is offset by both parent's incomes.

    I.e. If on 50-50 you both make 50,000 a year. There would be no child support or S.7 expenses. If you make 50,000 and he makes 75,000 the offset would be him paying you just 189$ or so... (Don't quote me on the calculation I just jammed it into MySupportCalculator.ca really fast.)

    Also, S.7 expenses are split in proportion to incomes as well. Daycare is an S.7 expense so if you are the higher income earner you may be paying more of the daycare expense.

    Both parents should always be equally involved and equally responsible for children. Congratulations on wanting this for your child.

    Good Luck!
    Tayken

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    • #3
      StressedMamma, I wish you were my Ex. My Ex tries her best to get me under the 40% threshold.

      I think parents will lose attachment directly proportional to the time they spend with their kids. Start with by telling you your ex that the kids need to know that their dad did not abandon them. I've seen the results of adults with daddy abandonment issues. Not good.

      Then slowly try increase the time they spend with dad. Maybe start with sporadic events like the ex's family get together and build from that into something gradually resembling regular access.

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      • #4
        The funny thing is that since I make more than him, I'd probably end up paying him child support but this isn't about money.

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        • #5
          Great on you for wanting your child to spend as much time with dad as you. I'm not sure what you have tried already, but have you had a good "sit down" with him? And explain to him how important it is that he spend as much time as possible with his child? And how he will likely regret neglecting his child later in life? I'm not suggesting a "poop-on" session with him, but if you have a decent parental relationship with him, then a good chat might make the difference. Don't emphasize the negatives (i.e. he's selfish); emphasize the positives of being an active dad.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by stressedmama View Post
            The funny thing is that since I make more than him, I'd probably end up paying him child support but this isn't about money.
            Excellent perspective and demonstration that you have the "best interests" of the child(ren) at heart. What many people do not realize is that the concept of shared parenting was brought forward by the feminist movement because fathers were not equal care givers and should be. For exactly for reasons you stated in your original posting.

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            • #7
              slowly moving towards the goal

              Thanks for responses everyone.

              It looks like we (my ex and I) are moving in the right direction. When I dropped S7 off yesterday for his visit, my ex asked about "meet the teacher" night at S7 school and actually seems to be interested in attending. He also wants to start taking our son for a Wednesday overnight visit each week.

              It took me by surprise when he brought it up but I am really happy about this and cannot begin to tell you how excited I am for our son. Hopefully this will continue.

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              • #8
                Not sure how old the child is, but sounds like a 2-2-3-3 or whatever means instability and living out of a suitcase. All children need stability.

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                • #9
                  I don't think you can push him on the subject effectively at all. If he is selfish and uninterested - you can't make him. Something about 'bringing a horse to water'?

                  Best course of action would be to present your arguement with emphasis on why it is important to child, and ask him to consider it for those reasons - then hope he does.

                  Good luck. I wish my ex had your opinions on the subject.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Greatmum View Post
                    Not sure how old the child is, but sounds like a 2-2-3-3 or whatever means instability and living out of a suitcase. All children need stability.
                    Do you have any research to back up your claim?

                    Do you honestly think that children fare better when a parent is effectively cut out of their life?

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                    • #11
                      I don't think Greatmum mentioned anything about cutting the parent out of the child's life. It would make sense that perhaps she meant she would recommend a different schedule. I do see where she is coming from. My kids come/go each Friday. I wouldn't want to do that two-three times per week either. Might be ok to get a parent used to having his child more often though!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Greatmum View Post
                        Not sure how old the child is, but sounds like a 2-2-3-3 or whatever means instability and living out of a suitcase. All children need stability.
                        I think if thi schedule you mentioned was permanant, that would qualify as 'stable'.

                        Originally posted by Janus View Post
                        Do you have any research to back up your claim?

                        Do you honestly think that children fare better when a parent is effectively cut out of their life?
                        kingstonmomoft2's post below is worth reading.

                        Originally posted by kingstonmomof2 View Post
                        I don't think Greatmum mentioned anything about cutting the parent out of the child's life. It would make sense that perhaps she meant she would recommend a different schedule. I do see where she is coming from. My kids come/go each Friday. I wouldn't want to do that two-three times per week either. Might be ok to get a parent used to having his child more often though!
                        I can see the point you both make. There is a high frequency of transition using that method. But what works for you may not work for others. Breaking up the week like that is perfectly acceptable, and in some ways better for the child. At least in my humble opinion.

                        It is really not a workable solution, however, for high conflict parents.

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                        • #13
                          hi everyone,good for u stressedmama that you are willing to cooperate and fix the time for the sake of your child.my exwife is very controlling woman,we have the 50 50 custody but she doesnt follow the schedule we are suppose to have my daughter,she keeps switching the date of 2 2 3 3,and she gets angry if she cant get her way of the date..we (my current wife and I) always begging to get the definite schedule so we could plan our own time in the future and she hold the day that that we are suppose to have my daughter so she can use a leverage if she will have a date to a bf.and everytime she(exwife) goes to her date she just want to drop my daughter in the house,and my current wife is the one who will look after and so my wife has to cancel her appointment ,I am working dad and I cant close everytime my small business because it will loose customer and that is our livelihood everytime she does that to look after my kid.and she wanted me to look after my daughter and not my wife..yet my wife is willing to look after and love my daughter same as our little one.my wife understood the situation of my life.my exwife also wanted to have extra money from me,she has more income than me she made more than 100k yearly.and I only made less 20k this year.and she is treatening me to sue and get lawyer for this.she is making my family unhappy,she doesnt even want our clothes we bought for my daughter,she doesnt like cheap good deal clothes,she wants a clothes with signature ,and if she bought expensive clothes for my daughter she wanted me to level on how she spend to my daughter.I cant do that,I have my other little girl also yet we dont spend so much as we have to save for the future education for both of them..I dont make so much money as she does.and she doesnt care if we are trying to be thrifty and tight of the money.pls help advise thanks..

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