Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Divorce is a Bitch

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Divorce is a Bitch

    (I thought the title as fitting)


    The FACT of the matter that has been proven over and over again is.
    A) divorce screws up kids

    Exact Claim: Generally, divorce has a negative impact on children the harm of divorce is OUTWEIGHED by remaining in a high conflict relationship.

    proofs:
    -http://www.hubbynet.com/savedmarriage.htm
    -The key is based on the amato study (which is cited a lot on the internet and I haven't found anything shooting it down)
    -read any part of this document, in almost every study and situation it says divorce has either a direct or indirect negative affect on children.
    http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/f...8_2/wd98_2.pdf whether due to economic factors, remarriage, worse parenting etc.... they try to identify EXACTLY why things are worse but the root is the divorce and all it symptoms..
    -many bad ppl come from broken homes Children from broken homes 'nine times more likely to commit crimes' - Telegraph
    -divorce vs crime-rate: Divorce: Ignoring the cost
    -this is a meta study that I like and it shows there are differences again.
    http://courses.washington.edu/pbafad..._Wellbeing.pdf
    -there is also the cinderella effect

    This doesnt mean every kid gets screwed up but they'll be worse off generally so don't think you are doing your kids any favors, generally you are hurting them or

    B) a lot of ppl eventually regret divorce
    C) a lot of ppl were happier before divorce
    http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/Lesson4.pdf

    D) second marrriages fail more often than first
    E) children of divorce are more likely to divorce
    ^ D & E are know statistics, I don't need to include them here do I


    F) wallerstein stuff shows divorce to be the major negative incident in the life a person (even at 35yrs of age)
    What I like a bout the wallerstein study is that it ASKS the kids how they felt which I think a lot of parents and studies don't do.
    Pretty Good Summary
    Judith Wallerstein and divorce: how one woman changed the way we think about breakups.

    G) divorced children are on average worse in every measurement etc...
    (see A) At best you can argue that its not too much of a hit but the reality is that it IS a hit.

  • #2
    Whether you divorce or not the key is to recognize the potentially devastating effect it has on your children and do your best to mitigate them.

    I personally, do think ppl turn to divorce easily but the solution is just better education, better marriage support to help people have realistic expectations, helping everybody have better communication etc....

    Comment


    • #3
      I totally agree with the statistics. The children are the biggest losers. I wish that spouses could be less selfish and more compromising and treated marriage with the respect that it deserves. Too bad the one person cannot make a marriage work. it takes two .

      Comment


      • #4
        Divorces are individual experiences and people...even women...have the right to do it.

        Links, you are one of those individuals that doesn't realize how transparent you are. You're so angry, bitter and resentful that you'll try any method to generalize everyone else's reality to fit your own version of reality. This mindset is going to handicap your ability to form normal relationships in the future so I would recommend you get some counselling to work through your issues.

        People are individuals...they have individual experiences before, during and after divorce....and yes, divorce IS the best solution for some women AND their children. Get over it already.

        Comment


        • #5
          I didn't initiate the divorce but perhaps I should have.

          My kids could tell I wasn't happy. They never wanted us to get back together.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Links17 View Post
            (I thought the title as fitting)
            A better title might be Divorce is a bastard?

            My strong belief in the institution of marriage kept me in an abusive one for over 27 years. After trying my best to make things work, I had to accept reality and move one. Of course it affected my S24 - he's relieved that I got out with my life. As stated above, it takes both partners to make it work and all the good intentions, therapy or mediation in the world can't fix crazy.

            It's no use worrying about unfortunate events which have already happened and can't be changed ...

            Comment


            • #7
              My kids could tell I wasn't happy. They never wanted us to get back together.
              Of course it affected my S24 - he's relieved that I got out with my life.
              This is the point my kids have gotten to. They're happy that I'm happy and really like my new partner. I think its hard to be a good mom, sister, daughter, friend, etc when you're in a bad marriage. It drains your ability to function. There's no doubt that I'm a much better version of myself these days.

              The other phenomena that happens after divorce is that the kids see both parents more clearly. I realize that during marriage, I masked/covered for a lot of my ex's extremist behavior. I would smooth things over with his anger issues....when he'd scream at them, I'd jump in...I'd cover up for him with the kids on special occasions when he was too cheap and self-absorbed to prepare for an event or buy them anything, etc. Now without me covering for him, they get to see him for what he actually is. I can tell its been a real eye-opener for them. Frankly, its really nice that now my kids truly understand and appreciate the contributions that I make to their lives. My ex used to take credit for a lot of stuff he didn't do when we were married.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                This is the point my kids have gotten to. They're happy that I'm happy and really like my new partner. I think its hard to be a good mom, sister, daughter, friend, etc when you're in a bad marriage. It drains your ability to function. There's no doubt that I'm a much better version of myself these days.

                The other phenomena that happens after divorce is that the kids see both parents more clearly. I realize that during marriage, I masked/covered for a lot of my ex's extremist behavior. I would smooth things over with his anger issues....when he'd scream at them, I'd jump in...I'd cover up for him with the kids on special occasions when he was too cheap and self-absorbed to prepare for an event or buy them anything, etc. Now without me covering for him, they get to see him for what he actually is. I can tell its been a real eye-opener for them. Frankly, its really nice that now my kids truly understand and appreciate the contributions that I make to their lives. My ex used to take credit for a lot of stuff he didn't do when we were married.
                I could not have explained it better myself. Without the 'sugar-coating' my son has had to deal with his father au naturel. Same goes for my Ex's own family - they can clearly see the extent of his aggressive behavior now that I am no longer there to calm him down ... the buffer-effect is gone and the negativity is undiluted.

                Comment


                • #9
                  My adult son definitely has a clear view on our marriage/divorce and aftermath. Despite my encouraging him to contact his father he says he can't get himself to contact him because of what my ex did to me and continues to do to me through endless, vicious litigation.

                  I am saddened that we divorced and how it led to destruction of our family unit and how it severed old relationships. However, I am hopeful that the future will be enriched with new friends and experiences.

                  Contrary to what other people have said, I don't think people take divorce lightly and do it on a whim. It is a very emotional and financial devastation that many never recover from.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    People asked me for statistics and evidence, I provided. I've said repeteadly that its a personal decision, experience and outcome but the facts are the facts about what divorce does on a societal level.

                    Does it/did it do it you is a whole another question.
                    Also, is the ALTERNATIVE better/worse - really a case by case basis.

                    I expected people to provide non-anecdotal counter points....

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I expected people to provide non-anecdotal counter points....
                      There is a cornucopia of non-anecdotal evidence regarding children from divorce v.s. children from bad marriages that would support my premise that children from bad marriages fair just as bad or worse.

                      Divorce not always bad for the kids - Health - Children's health | NBC News

                      http://ezinearticles.com/?Should-You...ily?&id=708837

                      Bad Marriages Take a Toll on Kids


                      Teens living with bickering parents compare about the same as young adults who live in single parent or stepparent homes, says the study, published as a report from the California Center for Population Research at the University of California-Los Angeles.
                      “Our findings suggest that exposure to parental conflict in adolescence is associated with poorer academic achievement, increased substance use, and early family formation and dissolution, often in ways indistinguishable from living in a stepfather or single-mother family,” says Kelly Musick, PhD, an associate professor of policy analysis and management at Cornell University.
                      But again, what is the point of arguing this here? Individuals who are in the midst of a pending divorce don't give a flying crap about statistics. Their experience is individualistic and they must make the best decision for them.

                      If your point is that children who have compatible parents who don't engage in conflict have children that are better off developmentally....you win! Congratulations on locking down the Captain Obvious award for the day.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Again, I think your motive for constantly going in this direction on every thread (i.e. anti-woman, anti-choice) is because you're very ticked off that your own ex was free to make the determination to leave your marriage. And perhaps you have a legitimate beef regarding your own personal situation.

                        But the fact that you extrapolate that into many women are frivolously destroying their families because they have silly reasons to want to get divorced is extremely annoying. A lot of people...women & men...stay way too long in very bad marriages which are equally as detrimental to the kids and very detrimental personally to themselves especially health-wise.

                        You keep quoting statistics that support your own bias with regard to making choice to divorce. I.e. Suggesting that if people were honest, in retrospect they would have been happier staying married (simply garbage). And frankly, I know a lot of divorced or divorcing women and there is nothing more insulting to suggest they left their marriages on a frilly whim. Most women I know agonize over the decision and suffer through a lot of divorce trauma before they're able to move on with their lives. Luckily a lot of them end up very happy with their decision. You just don't want to hear that though.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Links - are you really trying to convince everyone that divorce is bad with statistics and anecdotal evidence?

                          You're trying to prove something as far away from science as something can possibly get with stats and studies?

                          You're getting personal experience because that's what marriage, relationships, parenthood, and life in general is about. Not stats.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I am proving the following:

                            1 - DIVORCE has a negative impact on children.

                            2 - DIVORCE vs HIGH CONFLICT relationships - its BETTER to divorce for the children's sake (and probably the couple's sake).

                            3 - DIVORCE tends NOT to actually make you happy.

                            These points are all proven on my first post, when I say YOU, I mean statistically over a sample group. WILL IT MAKE YOU HAPPIER, MAYBE.... (BUT i think thats a 20% chance)
                            ________

                            Conclusions:

                            -Should you leave your abusive marriage, Yes (if the other side cannot be reformed very quickly).

                            -Should you fix your marriage, re-evaluate it or w/e before you pull the plug, YES.

                            ________

                            Why am I posting this?

                            BECAUSE one day somebody is going to come on here and say I'm sick of my wife because she overspends or because my husband leaves his plates on the bathroom floor or something else (better or worse).... I WANT A DIVORCE!!! We are in an era of frivolous divorces because people think the kids won't be affected and that they'll be happier. To me the "growing apart" divorce is a frivolous divorce (that's an opinion)

                            I'm saying read that first post, read books (get your spouse to, too) by John Gottman - 5 love languages, 7 principles of a successful marriage and the other I think is "his needs, her needs", go to therapy and then make your decision

                            Marriage is worth saving, divorce is when all else fails.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
                              Links - are you really trying to convince everyone that divorce is bad with statistics and anecdotal evidence?

                              You're trying to prove something as far away from science as something can possibly get with stats and studies?

                              You're getting personal experience because that's what marriage, relationships, parenthood, and life in general is about. Not stats.
                              What am I trying to do is give people a non-bias look into the future based on the experiences of millions of others before them AND give clues to other people who are already about what to watch out for when you're trying to make the best of the divorce.

                              It is a personal experience but no harm in seeing where other people suffered so you can mitigate or avoid it

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X