Custody and Dating Someone New

[rmb646]

Hi everyone.
I'm not going through a divorce myself, but my boyfriend is. I'll give all the pertinent facts in hopes of getting some objective, informed advice.
My boyfriend and his ex have been legally separated for a little over 18 months. They have a 3 1/2 year old son, and I have a 2 1/2 year old son. We met when we both had our children with us, and our kids were friends before we were "officially" dating. My boyfriend's ex is VERY upset that our children our friends. Things like us taking the boys to SeaWorld cause her to make abusive phone calls to him threatening to get a lawyer and "make his life a living hell." We do not do sleepovers with the boys even though their son has asked multiple times. She refuses to believe this is not happening.
My boyfriend is very afraid that of what she might do. I personally think that her raging phone calls are ridiculous and do not need to be tolerated, bu he feels as though he needs to take them and take the abuse (regarding things that have nothing to do with their son or divorce) to kind of appease her.
They are supposed to be signing the paperwork tomorrow, and if history is, in fact, a good predictor, it will not go smoothly.
Has anyone been in my position, his position or her position? Should I be nervous? And am I wrong for thinking that her abuse does not need to be tolerated? Thanks, I really appreciate any advice!

[Kimberley]

You are correct, he shouldn't have to take her abuse. Obviously she has jealousy and/or self-esteem issues and seems to believe things are her way or the highway.
Stand your ground, both of you, as he has a right to move on in his life regardless of her liking it or not and that includes his doing things that involve his child and yours.
When my ex and I first separated, he tried to get me to agree to never move from where the kids and I were, and still are living as he claimed he intended to stay living near by to see the kids 'when he wanted'. That was 2005; fast forward to today and he is now moving for the 8th time, and will be living more than 90 minutes from the children he begrudgingly visits with for 1 day twice a month.
I had to have him warned for his verbal abuse, as well as bordering on criminal harassment (stalking) because he firmly believed that he had a right to tell me what I could and couldn't do in my life and the lives of our children. It took me years to learn to even give someone even a bit of trust because of his constant verbal abuse and threats after (and before) the separation.

If possible, find out if he can get a clause added to the paperwork barring her from contacting him in an abusive manner, and only being allowed to make contact where it concerns medical, health, emergencies or such as it pertains to the child; otherwise she shouldn't bother dialling his number.

[jankes71]

Keep the messages she has left, don't erase them. Have your boyfriend only communicate in a friendly manner thru email only.
She can't dictate what he does or who he spends time with. She is obviously having trouble with your relationship, and hopefully in time she will calm down. Tell him to stop explaining his actions to her, ex. sleepovers, and ignore the rants. If it gets where it is interfering with your daily life, or she is denying access or involving the child, then something more drastic will have to be done. I think most likely though it will go away once she gets over it.

good luck..

[rmb646]

thanks!!

Thank you for your responses. I have tried to explain to him that he should be documenting these things (saving messages/emails, recording phone calls, etc) and he's fairly dismissive of it. He did comment the other day that he wished he would have taken a picture of his son's head - he had a gash that she said was from wrestling with her other 13 year old son. He had a similar injury on his back the week before. He's pretty resistive to accepting that nothing he will or won't do is going to cause her to calm down and be reasonable. I understand his hope that she will not make his life harder, but at some point the reality of it needs to be acknowledged.

I feel so much better that other people, total strangers even, are saying exactly what I'm saying! Thank you!!