my kid getting upset over "I miss you"

[helplessDad]

every time when my 3 year old daughter goes away with her mom for a long time, she becomes emotionally distant from me. and when I say "I miss you" to her, she gets upset and sad, and she'd hang up on me. and after a while, sometimes she doesn't wanna talk to me on the phone.

considering how close my daughter and I are otherwise (we are best buddies), it's hard to grasp what's causing her to act that way. I can skip expressing my feelings and not tell her I miss her or love her, but wouldn't that make her even more insecure and more upset?

I just hope she's not thinking I don't want to be with her or anything. it was her mom's idea to be away for such a long time.

does anyone have a similar experience with kid's emotions like my daughter's?

[dadtotheend]

Get back to first principles.

Instead of saying "I miss you", say "I'm looking forward to seeing you".

[standing on the sidelines]

Get back to first principles.

Instead of saying "I miss you", say "I'm looking forward to seeing you".

good idea, that way she will understand that you will see her again. I miss you is so open that maybe she feels she will not see you again.

[dadtotheend]

It's all about being child centred.

"I miss you" places anxiety on the child. "Looking forward to seeing you" is positive.

[helplessDad]

Get back to first principles.

Instead of saying "I miss you", say "I'm looking forward to seeing you".

an excellent suggestion!

"I miss you" sounds sad a little, but I've read that saying "I miss you" also can imply "I care about you" and it can ensure that the kids know how you feel. in other words it can be positive as well.

but from now on, I'm looking forward to seeing her!

[#1StepMom]

When my stepson was your daughter's age, we went through the same thing. Children get easily upset when they don't know how to say "goodbye" properly or when they don't know when they will see you next. We realized the effects of "I'll miss you" on my stepson early, and replaced the phrase with "I'll see you in [X] days." This helped alleviate his anxiety immensely. Unfortunately, his mother continued to tell him how much she would miss him and how sad she would be when he's not with her... drawing out the tears as long as she good each and every pick-up. My husband tried telling her that her selfish actions (trying to make herself feel better by upsetting the child enough for him to not want to leave her) are only detrimental to their son, but she refused to listen. It wasn't until we begged her to try not saying her goodbye spiel only ONCE that we were able to prove her wrong, and showed her that without her drawn-out goodbye and laments, the child left with us happily and quickly.

"I'll see you soon" is your best bet. Also, what helps is for the child to have a calendar on which it is marked at whose house she will be... so that she can count the days herself and feel that she has some control over when she sees you or her mother. This worked amazingly with my stepson, and to this day, we still have a "visit" calendar on the fridge where he keeps track when he will be with us again and for how long. He's now 7 and I often find him referring to the visit calendar.

Hope this helps!

[dinkyface]

#1Stepmom, at what age did you start using the calendar? When did it become meaningful to your stepson?

[#1StepMom]

#1Stepmom, at what age did you start using the calendar? When did it become meaningful to your stepson?

We started the calendar when he was about 3 years old. It wasn't very "meaningful" to him then... but we made it a routine to check the calendar at the end of every visit to show him when he would be back again. It also helped with learning to count, etc.

Once his anxiety was alleviated, we forgot about the calendar for a while, though we still had his visits marked on our family calendar in the kitchen. When he was about 5 years old, I noticed him standing at the fridge, silently counting the days until his next visit. He was doing it all on his own. Now, at the age of 7, I often spot him in the kitchen, counting the days. He has even begun making remarks like "oh great, I'm going to be with you one day longer next weekend," etc.

At school, he has an agenda/planner in which he writes his school events and homework. I filled up his agenda with little stickers and reminders of when he is with us for a weekend or holiday, and he uses that to forecast as well. He seems to like knowing his schedule.