Denied Access, need help!

[nerkkooanse]

Hello all,

My ex-girlfriend and I were together for about 2.5 years, our son was born 8 months ago. I moved into her Dad's house the moment we found out she was pregnant, at that time I was the only one bringing in income to support her throughout the pregnancy and took her to all appointments.

One month before the birth of our son, we moved into my parents house. We had happily lived here and raised our son here till last week when she decided to up and leave. She was on welfare since his birth and I was bringing in extra income with freelancing design jobs until I got a full time job 3 months ago. Also my parents supported us a lot, majority of the time we were there- they supplied all diapers, wipes, formula etc.

Anyway, she went to her mothers last week for "space", I was even courteous enough to drop her off. The next day I dropped off a few of the baby things she needed, and brought her some extra formula- I briefly got to see my son outside for 10 minutes or so. A few days later she had decided the relationship was over, I drove over to her house and knocked on her door to speak to her- after being denied that, I asked to at least see my son- I was also denied that. I left.

Yesterday it had been one week since I'd seen him, she had told me I can bring all her stuff over and see him with the supervision of her mother- I agreed to that. Once I got there, only her mother was there and told me their lawyer suggested not letting my son or her have any contact with me till the court date. She said they already filed for custody because they feared I was planning to take him away from them or flee the country with him. She also mentioned there's no way they would ever allow me to have 50/50 custody of him and would fight all the way even if it got dirty. I kept my cool, and left once again.

Worst thing is, my brothers getting married next month and family that I only see every 5-6 years is coming over. They were all excited to see the little bundle of joy and I really wanted to introduce him to them- but seems that wont happen now.

Alright now that I'm done with the huge back story, as you can see, I'm being denied access to my son. I have briefly spoke to a lawyer for advice but I was just wondering... what kind of custody agreements are usually decided in situations like this? I mean the child has lived in my house up until now, can she really keep him away from me like this?

I want to fight for 50/50 custody, with weeks alternating. I believe its the only fair way to share bonding time with our son. I don't want to loose out on his life. What are the chances of this actually happening?

Also at the time of birth I was not put on the birth certificate and the child has her last name, will this affect my case in anyway?

Anyway, any advice or insight would greatly be appreciated.
Thanks

[Access Dad]

Whatever you decide you want, DO IT NOW!. You have a right to see and be an equal part of your son's life. But there is something called "status quo". The longer you leave things the way they are, the more likely a court will be hesitant to change it. Fight for 50/50 now and there's a good chance of this happening unless there is some compelling reason that it is not in the child's best interests. Why did she end the relationship? Do you have any problems that a court may think affects your ability to parent the child? Now is the time to honest with yourself. If there is any behaviour on your part that can be perceived as damaging, now is the time to fix it. Choose your lawyer carefully. At the very least, you will get to be in your child's life; in what capacity, I can't tell you that. My advice is just move quickly. By moving quickly, you will be demonstrating that you have a strong desire to see your child and will also prevent this status quo from forming. Good luck!

[nerkkooanse]

Thanks for your reply.
I will get the ball moving ASAP, just trying to find the best lawyer to suit my needs.

She ended the relationship on the basis that I was 'controlling' and the relationship was one-sided when it came to decisions. But she is categorizing that as 'mental abuse' -saying I manipulate her to get my way all the time.

Which frankly is bogus, shes using very minor cases/examples to prove her point- others don't even agree, including HER family members, with what shes classifying it as and see it definitely being over-exaggerated.

Personally, I don't think that should account towards my ability to raise my son. Not to mention his environment here was great. He had the love of my parents, grandparents, brother and sister-in-law in a house that is more than big enough to accommodate all of us. Throughout the day, even whilst I was at work the last few months, it was my parents/grandparents that would watch him for at least a 3-4 hours.

Oh, and due to the nature of my work, my boss has already given me the green light to work from home every other week if needed.

[Rioe]

Instead of thinking of this as a battle between you and your ex, try to frame everything mentally in terms of your son.

Your ex moved away from your home, which is perfectly her choice, but she is not legally entitled to take the child away from his home. There are emergency legal channels you can take to have him returned. Especially if you have a plan of care for him when you have to work. But as mentioned, take those steps now. The longer you wait, the more likely it will be considered that you approved of the move and are content to have the ex do the majority of the parenting. Not fighting this now sets you up very badly for everything else to come. It's called status quo, and what it means is that a court will prefer to keep continuity and stability for the child, so if enough time elapses, they won't want to put the baby through a second dramatic upheaval in environment and caregiver. This has to get taken care of ASAP.

It is in the child's best interests to be raised equally by both parents, together or not. If you and your parents had a lot of contact with your child before the split, this should continue afterwards. This is your main argument to get 50-50 custody. Her main argument, although it won't be expressed that way of course, is that she doesn't like you anymore, wants to have nothing to do with you, and is willing to use the child to hurt you.

You also have the argument that a unique special occasion is coming up, and it's in the child's best interests to have the rare opportunity to meet his extended family. So you're operating against a deadline.

Good luck!

[nerkkooanse]

Thanks for your reply also.

I understand the status quo situation, but when turning to legal proceedings- don't these issues take time to get a date and come to a conclusion? This would be countering against me.

During this time frame, it would be out of my hands.

[Motorizer]

As a father with shared custody of a young child (22 months, had shared since 12 months), I would suggest 2-2-3, or some variant.
Insist upon shared custody NOW, and accept nothing less.
Get moving on this shit asap.

[Rioe]

Thanks for your reply also.

I understand the status quo situation, but when turning to legal proceedings- don't these issues take time to get a date and come to a conclusion? This would be countering against me.

During this time frame, it would be out of my hands.

Normal legal proceedings do move at a snail's pace, yes. But what you want is emergency legal proceedings, which act quickly to correct actions exactly like your ex's. Get advice at the courthouse or find a lawyer able to act immediately to get your child returned to his home. (key wording approach - it's the child's own home he's being returned to, not yours.) Remember what I said about courts wanting stability and continuity for the child. Right now, that's to live at your home with your parents. However, you also want to be clear that you are not intending to block the child from seeing his mother, so also have a plan in mind for much contact between them. It's just that the child should reside half the time in the familiar home.

And also, don't be frightened by or accept what they are telling you and what they say their lawyer is advising. They are trying to scare you so you just roll over instead of fighting.

Lastly, you would be well-advised to wear an active digital recorder during all your interactions with her. It might be handy to keep track of their tactics when you are using mental energy on keeping your cool instead of fully listening. And while it won't be of use in family court, it could be a lifesaver in criminal court if the ex ever falsely accuses you of domestic violence during an interaction. This is a not uncommon tactic with exes who fight dirty. Which it already seems your ex is.

[billm]

Do not settle for anything less than 50/50. Do not settle for any wording or terminology that does not state you as an equal parent (ie there should be no 'primary' caregiver etc).

Your relationship with the mother is not relevant. Your son deserves you as much as his mother - it sounds like you have good parents too. You deserve your son as much as his mother.

Also, if he is less than 40% of the time with you (usually counted by nights sleeping with you), you have to pay full child support, which is of course not fair. If 50/50 you pay the difference between her full cs and yours. Do not accept paying full support in exchange for equal access. You pay support based on access. Access should be determined in the best interest of the child, which is to have you equally.

Also, with 50/50 she won't have an excuse to continue not working and she can go get a job and support herself and her child.

Be clear, be straight forward, be business like.

You may have to file for an emergency motion for access. Access should be unsupervised. She is staying you might flee (and deny her access), but she is the one doing that.

[nerkkooanse]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I just took some time to document everything so I don't start losing track of what happened when and it'll be easier to present the facts/situation to my lawyer.

Does anyone know what kind of role age will play in these types of situations? or if it isn't relevant. We are both young parents, she is turning 18 in December, while I am 19.

Also, I am finished high school and got a lucky break with a good career.
She is still in the process of finishing credits, therefore will need to go to school in September and is most likely planning to put our son in Daycare.

Will any of these facts play a role in court?

[Access Dad]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I just took some time to document everything so I don't start losing track of what happened when and it'll be easier to present the facts/situation to my lawyer.

Does anyone know what kind of role age will play in these types of situations? or if it isn't relevant. We are both young parents, she is turning 18 in December, while I am 19.

Also, I am finished high school and got a lucky break with a good career.
She is still in the process of finishing credits, therefore will need to go to school in September and is most likely planning to put our son in Daycare.

Will any of these facts play a role in court?

I don't think your age will play a part. You're both young yes. But you're also both parents to this child. You seem to be stable and have stable family support systems in place. It's also a good thing to mention that your work allows you to be home.

You have an advantage here. You're both young and she doesn't have a job, she doesn't seem to be mature enough to value her son's relationship with his father. I would do everything you can to demonstrate that you are the more mature parent of the two. DO NOT ENGAGE IN MUDSLINGING!. Let her and her mother do all that. STAY CHILD-FOCUSSED! As mentioned, make sure your parenting plan and affidavits include a plan for the mother to spend time with the child; make sure you state your belief that a child needs both his mother and father. I would take a parenting course if I were you. This will definitely go a ways in showing that you are the more mature one.

Don't worry about how long the court process takes and how that relates to the status quo. It is how fast you moved to get court process started in that will be considered. And as mentioned above, you can (and should) file an emergency motion. This way a judge will give you a interim order that will keep you in your son's life while everything is being worked out in court.

You said how you had to bite your tongue and calm yourself down when you went to the mother's house. Do more of that. It's very difficult at times, but you will be glad in the end if you can keep it up. Do everything through your lawyer.

Don't let her or her mother try and scare you by threatening you and telling you what their lawyer said and advised - age old tactic. Don't fall for it. Just concentrate on your own case. DO NOT GIVE UP. It sounds to me like you're in a good position here time-wise and fact-wise. So just make this your number one priority every single day you get out of bed. What city do you live in? Maybe we can give you recommendations on a good lawyer. Alot of us are like family on this forum.

[nerkkooanse]

I've never seen such support on a forum, especially so fast. I honestly do greatly appreciate everything.

I will definitely get the ball rolling by Monday, hearing all this advice keeps me motivated which has been hard for me on a day to day basis lately.

I live in Toronto, having a hard time choosing a lawyer that will do the best possible job in representing my case. After talking to a few lawyers, the median cost I've seen is about $200-$300 an hour, is this reasonable?

I know it's hard to estimate the total cost after the entire duration because we cannot say how many appearances there will be, but what does one usually end up paying after all is said and done?

It's a shame knowing all this money could of gone into a RESP for my son.

[Rioe]

Something else I wanted to add: you mentioned that your parents helped with supplying formula. So she's not breastfeeding? At least you don't have that argument for her to use in favour of her getting the bulk of the care time.

[nerkkooanse]

Yes, that's correct. She is not breastfeeding anymore.

[Berner_Faith]

I live in Toronto, having a hard time choosing a lawyer that will do the best possible job in representing my case. After talking to a few lawyers, the median cost I've seen is about $200-$300 an hour, is this reasonable?

That is actually a good price...as hard as it is...don't focus on the price, you need to find a lawyer that is going to do the job you need them to do. Are your parents in a position to help you with this? I know its not easy asking your parents for help, but sometimes having family to back you up makes things a little easier...

As others have suggested...start on this first thing Monday morning... see a lawyer about filing an emergency motion to have the child returned to their residence.

[Access Dad]

I live in Toronto, having a hard time choosing a lawyer that will do the best possible job in representing my case. After talking to a few lawyers, the median cost I've seen is about $200-$300 an hour, is this reasonable?

That is a reasonable price. Of course it is your choice, but if you're in Toronto, I might try giving Lauren Israel a call. She is in the Young & Sheppard area (right in the same building as the North Yprk Family Court house). She's really experienced and reasonably priced. If you type her name in the search field @ www.canlii.org you will see 17 cases where she was counsel. She is, in my opinion, one of the best. BTW, in case you didn't know, canlii.org is a website that contains thousands of court decisions.

Ms. Israel's number is (416) 733-8415.

And remember, keep that motivation going no matter how hard it gets. Just try and always keep in mind that your son needs you and his life can take many wrong turns if he doesn't have a meaningful relationship with his father.

Good luck and keep us updated.