Adultery or abuse

[kevindell]

I have been separated for almost two years. When I saw duty counsel they suggested that I indicate "adultery" or "abuse" as the reason for the abuse. They said I had more than ample ground to claim either. Some problems.

I was under the impression you claim these things if you want a quick divorce, provided they actually happened. DC said yes but it is wise to claim it in case things go side ways. It seems to me it will only cause me more grief. I want to get on with things.

My only witness to the adultery is a teen child of a friend. They did not see intercourse but rather foreplay. There are other witnesses but they are under 8 years of age. What do you need to prove it?

The abuse relates to the number of criminal accusations she has made against me and people close to me. She recanted all them when I went to the police. One of supporters actually got charged for threatening to kill her.

Even if I do not claim either DC pointed out there was a lot if financial abuse that would result in criminal charges had it occured outside a marriage. She used a different term to describe how my wife emptied the accounts and moved money around. She figured at least $14k is missing if our pensions are not included. If pensions are included it would be worth another $10-15k for me. My wife has done everything to make sure I have as little cash as possible. This all on top of the $10k she took from our kids.

We have a final custody order in place. I just want walk from it all (the divorce issues)but the DC said it will come back to haunt me.

[kevindell]

Sorry. I meant ample reasons above, not ample grounds.

[DowntroddenDad]

My understanding is that Adultery or abuse can be used as a means of eliminating the one year waiting period for filing for divorce, but otherwise, if this is Ontario, Divorce is no fault anyway. So if you have been separated that long, what would the point be? Sounds like you should focus on the financial issues.

[OrleansLawyer]

I have been separated for almost two years. When I saw duty counsel they suggested that I indicate "adultery" or "abuse" as the reason for the abuse.

If this was in Ontario, Duty Counsel should know better to give legal advice in a field with which they are unfamiliar. I cannot fathom the justification for the advice given.

I was under the impression you claim these things if you want a quick divorce, provided they actually happened.

Adultery or abuse claims are an excellent way to add $10k to your legal bills and not get your divorce for a very long time, unless both parties agree on the facts.

The abuse relates to the number of criminal accusations she has made against me and people close to me.

Whether this is slander or abuse would depend on the facts.

Even if I do not claim either DC pointed out there was a lot if financial abuse that would result in criminal charges had it occured outside a marriage. She used a different term to describe how my wife emptied the accounts and moved money around. She figured at least $14k is missing if our pensions are not included. If pensions are included it would be worth another $10-15k for me. My wife has done everything to make sure I have as little cash as possible. This all on top of the $10k she took from our kids.

This is not related to claiming abuse as grounds for divorce. This would fall under your pleadings for equalization of property and full financial disclosure.

I just want walk from it all (the divorce issues)but the DC said it will come back to haunt me.

Under no circumstances, ever is using grounds other than separation for one year ever helpful if you have already been separated for a year. It does not result in any advantage - whether financial or access - that you would not otherwise obtain through evidence. If it is contested then you will have a trial, costing a considerable amount of money and delaying matters considerably.

If you want to keep things simple and get through it, use separation for one year. Consult a lawyer about the money she may or may not have hidden.

If there are emotional reasons for seeking divorce on those grounds, strongly consider using the money to obtain therapy.

[ddol1]

I will not get into depth here - 15K??? is not even worth fighting for? You could easily find a legal bill approaching this figure. If it is easy enough to prove with documantation then by all means add it to your application and see where it takes you. I am personally trying to survive my ex cleaning my entire retiremnt saving account, my mom's inheritance..... not to mention the 40 K she took in a couple of weeks and that money is gone now - but I am dealing with 100's of Ks in the end so I really have not much choice. If you got your fair property settlement and any support issues you can live with - this will far outwiegh the figure you are worried about.

[kevindell]

If you want to keep things simple and get through it, use separation for one year. Consult a lawyer about the money she may or may not have hidden.

Thank you. I want to keep things simple. She does something to muck it up every few weeks.

[kevindell]

I will not get into depth here - 15K??? is not even worth fighting for?

If I do not fight I get stuck with her request that I pay off the people she involved with. That amount could be up to $20k. So I lose the $15k plus I pay another $20k.

I just wanted to sign off on the divorce and we both walk away without giving either anything. She will not go for that.

I think she is waiting for the divorce until the guy who threatened to kill her goes to trial. There is an issue of money between them.

[ddol1]

Sounds like there are a few details not disclosed and that is for you to decide - Although not your circumstance, maybe the principle will hold up?? Divorce, some would think it is about getting even, or making the other pay, to see the truth be told in front of a judge when in reality nobody else really cares?? In your case the sentiment may be in reverse???

In the end though, divorce is only about dollars and cents - children are the most important and deserve two loving parents who do their very best to support their children even if they are not married. Hard to comment on what you think is coming into play though - that I will admit!!!

[kevindell]

I have no money to pay for anymore lawyers. I just want out. I am willing to give up any claim I may have. It just seems that either way I am just going to pay out of my nose.

[arabian]

I got my divorce in 9 months as my ex agreed to admit to adultery. I wanted the divorce finalized before my 30th wedding anniversary and it was.

If you have lived separated and apart for a year you can file and receive a divorce (assuming all equalization has been sorted out).

I'd focus on issues that directly involve you and shrug off all the rest of the crap.

[FB_]

As previously mentioned I have been separated for over 1 year. I had asked my lawyer previously regarding the adultery and he said he would never name the person as they would then have to be served and can also join the process. Instead he file my paperwork with Adultery checked but only stated. "Her adultery resulted in separation of the parties". Separated for one year is also identified.

So I'm not sure if I'm going to have to prove anything. Although we requested her medical records and it "should" be well documented in there.

[arabian]

Adultery is really a non-issue in the whole thing. You've been separated for over a year so why not just file based on that. Keep the dirt to a minimum and focus on smooth sailing ahead.

[FB_]

Adultery is really a non-issue in the whole thing. You've been separated for over a year so why not just file based on that. Keep the dirt to a minimum and focus on smooth sailing ahead.

I was not expecting it to be there but it was. I just assumed my lawyer knew what he was doing based on our past conversation (naming the person) so I didn't question it. Now I'm wondering if I should have.

[arabian]

The more dirt you put out there the more she has to fight you on. Keep it simple, and instruct your lawyer to do the same. You don't have to recant the adultery statement but rather emphasize that you have lived separately for 1 year and go with that. Don't get sucked into a paper war of words.

Requesting medical records takes the fight to another level. I would let that one go. Your chances of getting medical records are pretty slim anyhow. What's the point anyhow?

The longer it drags out the more expensive it will be for you in the long run. Unless you are dealing with a large marital estate you have to ask yourself if the 500.00/hr legal fee is worth it in the end.

[OrleansLawyer]

Separated for one year is also identified.

This is key. I am still surprised your lawyer filed with adultery checked. There are lawyers who will refuse to be retained by a client seeking to claim adultery because of the ensuing headache and waste of money.

Adultery is really a non-issue in the whole thing. You've been separated for over a year so why not just file based on that. Keep the dirt to a minimum and focus on smooth sailing ahead.

Well said. It is not worth spending money to prove a point; therapy is cheaper and more fulfilling in the long term.

I just assumed my lawyer knew what he was doing based on our past conversation (naming the person) so I didn't question it. Now I'm wondering if I should have.

In good faith, it may be that your lawyer will either let your ex admit the fact or, if she contests it, will ask if you want to drop it (which you should) at which point you are able to rely on separation as grounds.