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Right to Refuse Visitation?

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  • Right to Refuse Visitation?

    Hi All,

    Let me start by saying that refusing my children the right to visit or spend time with their father is NOT what I want to do. I would just like to know what MY rights are as a parent.

    Brief overview.....separated in 2010, divorced in 2012. 2 children now 5& 8. Through mediation Ex and I jointly agreed that we would have joint custody with primary residency with me. Every other weekend would be spent with "dad". Drop off points and support amount needed to be decided via courts as we could not agree due to his "inconsistency". When it comes to the boys, we don't have much to ever argue about. I don't approve of the time that is spent travelling while visiting "dad", but that's not my problem, and really none of my business.
    On a Wednesday I get an email saying "I am moving to Buffalo on Friday. I will not be able to return to Canada for 3 months. I have explained to the boys and they understand" Not sure how it was explained, nor how they understood...but again, not MY business or problem.
    Ex takes 4 and a half months to come back for a visit. Boys are constantly asking for dad. Dad doesn't respond to phone calls or emails requesting that he call the boys. Only calls twice while away. Sends word that he would like to pick them up for a weekend. I agree as it would be his scheduled weekend. He wants to meet on Friday and drop off on Sunday as usual. Great!! I tell the boys, they are excited, happy, and my 5 year old wakes up the Friday morning singing "I Love my Dad, Cant wait to see Dad". Put a smile on my face, that even though I have issues with my ex, the boys can still get excited about visits and love their father. I get an email at 2:30 on that Friday advising..."stuck at work, will pick up tomorrow at 8am". Now it's my issue to deal with by having to disappoint my boys and tell them that daddy isn't coming. Since then ex has missed a few visit weekends and I have to chase him via email to see if he is in fact picking up. Long weekend plans were trying to be made and it wasn't until the Thursday before that I found out that he was in fact NOT coming. Had I known earlier I would have made better plans with the boys to send out the summer with a bang.

    Here is my question: SInce the last 6 months have been inconsistent in pick ups, do I have the right to ask for notice of wanting to see the boys? IE asking to have notice no later than Sunday before his Friday. If I have not heard then I can continue to plan things such as responding to birthday party invitations, play dates, arranging care if needed over the weekend?

    One last question.....would the fact that ex no longer lives in the country and is very slow in responding to all forms of communication, be justifiable reason for requesting Soul Custody? At this point I am unable to travel with my children without his consent. How am I to get his consent if he doesn't communicate?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Busch View Post
    Hi All,



    Here is my question: SInce the last 6 months have been inconsistent in pick ups, do I have the right to ask for notice of wanting to see the boys? IE asking to have notice no later than Sunday before his Friday. If I have not heard then I can continue to plan things such as responding to birthday party invitations, play dates, arranging care if needed over the weekend?
    This sounds reasonable. You aren't depriving dad of time with the boys, just requesting that he confirm this in light of a few months of irregular visits. Something like "Dear ex, according to our agreement the boys will be with you on weekend xxx. Please confirm the time and place you will pick them up by date yyy. If I do not hear from you by yyy, I will assume that your plans have changed and I will make alternate arrangements for weekend xxx". Don't tell the boys that they're going to see dad (and get their hopes up) until he confirms. Keep sending this out for every visit, exactly the same wording, until he gets into the habit of confirming the visit.

    You will probably get him squawking that you are being "controlling" or trying to run his life - ignore it. He needs to learn that if he doesn't prioritize his sons, you aren't going to keep covering for him.

    Originally posted by Busch View Post
    One last question.....would the fact that ex no longer lives in the country and is very slow in responding to all forms of communication, be justifiable reason for requesting Soul Custody? At this point I am unable to travel with my children without his consent. How am I to get his consent if he doesn't communicate?
    Sole custody is pretty drastic - if the only real issue is his consent to travel, it would probably be easier to go to court and ask to have the requirement for his consent removed from your agreement. You'd need to be able to prove that his unwillingness to consent to travel has caused problems for you - just saying that he doesn't communicate easily (obviously he does when he wants to) wouldn't be enough.

    Comment


    • #3
      You can ask for anything, you can have the SA amended through the courts, or by consent, but enforcement is another issue. These kinds of things - notice - are rarely enforceable. The basic principle of maximum contact trumps all else. And having time with their father, may be frustrating and difficult for you, but in the end it is better that they have contact than not.

      On Sole custody, you probably have a case, but since he won't agree to it, you will end up in court, and that will cost big $$

      Comment


      • #4
        Don't tell the kids when he is planning on picking them up or visiting. Let it be a surprise when he shows up.

        That way, they don't get disappointed when he bails or is late, and if he doesn't, they get to feel loved by their dad.

        For the weekends that he is coming, have a backup plan of activities lined up in case he doesn't show.

        I tell my kids less and less about anything that interconnects with their mom, because I can't guarantee what she will or won't do. It makes it easier that way.

        Comment


        • #5
          Thank you for all your suggestions. I do believe that telling the boys about visits from now on will be a last minute thing. And making temporary or back up plans is probably best for all involved.

          I have a few other questions as well.....Ex and I have a drop off location that was halfway between our 2 homes. He has now moved from the county, and has requested that I re-arrange our meeting place. Am I obligated to do so? Or will the courts look down upon me if I refuse? I want to play fair, and like I said originally, I want the boys to have a relationship and visits with their father. I have always signed the consent letter for travel outside of the country for his visits....however I don't believe that I should be asked to travel 3 hours so that he can meet halfway. I didn't chose to move out of the country, and the boys have been in the same home since we split. Am I being unreasonable?

          Last question.....what happens with child support? Since moving support has been coming to me late, used to be via email transfer on the 2nd and 16th of each month. Even though it has been late by a few days or even a week, I have not said or made mention of anything. However, he has now asked if I have a pay pal account, because he has closed his Canadian accounts and can no longer email transfer. last payment was made via an American bank cheque. I will not see him for 2 weeks and have no way of accepting money from him. should I seek out FRO and ask that they start the process of enforcing? Or should I just let well enough alone and wait for the money to come when and how he can get it to me?

          Comment


          • #6
            If he is still willing to continue child support, and can consistently pay through something like PayPal, I suggest you do that. Once you involve FRO, you are looking at months to get things set up. If you need to get a court order on top of that, it will add even more stress.

            The fact that he is in another country, even one that works with FRO, adds another layer of complication. If you guys can keep it amicable and dodge FRO administrivia, go for it. If he keeps dropping the ball, call FRO.

            Was it entirely his choice to move to the states, or was it a matter of finding work?

            Regardless, you should ask yourself what is best for your kids. If driving 3 hours is the halfway point, then that means he would need to do a 12 hour roundtrip to see the kids. How well will he parent if all of his energy is spent driving? Sure, you could demand he do all of the driving on principle, but is it practical? No easy answer on this.

            Comment


            • #7
              Regarding driving - how far did you drive before? If it is a similar distance, what difference would it make if the location is changed? If it is substantially further, I would expect that he incur the burden of the extra driving as he was the one who chose to move.

              Comment


              • #8
                Hello and thank you both again for your suggestions.

                As much as opening a new account such as paypal, may be a pain in the youknowhat, to keep things amicable it would be in my best interest to do so. I am the one hurting the children, not him, but not having access to the support owed. Thank you for helping me see that. I really don't want to go through FRO...however he has a habit of trying to sherk responsibilities, and because of that I have trust issues with the ex. He says he is willing now, but this is a man that would run from his own mother if he owed her money. Just trying to weigh the options.

                His move to the states was completely his own choice. wanted to live with this American wife...which I can understand. And keeping in mind that we met at a location that was only 25 minutes from our homes in the beginning, a 12 hour drive round trip, so that he can spend time with the boys wasn't his top priority when he moved, so I don't want to make it mine now that he has moved. That's the part that annoys me. Why should I make the effort for him, when he couldn't do it in the first place for the boys?

                It's very hard to leave emotion out of choices and decisions. I am here asking for advice, as I do want to do what's best for the boys......and when I think I'm right, I'm usually clouded by anger and emotion. (and the need to be spiteful). I appreciate the advice from you all. Thank you again.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I now have another question regarding access. I have gotten requests from EX for him to visit the boys on his off weekends. I have had to say no both times for separate weekends. I have made plans for both weekends as they are my scheduled weekends. The first was for dinner with family and the second weekend is one of the boys birthday party. Should I feel guilty, that I have said no? I don't want the boys to go months without seeing their father, however we have access schedules for a reason, and I make my plans for the weekends the boys are to be with me. The ex has said "cant't see them this weekend I am working Saturday", but then turns and says he wants to see them the following weekend. Why not tell employer which weekend you can and cannot work as to not interfere with visits with your children. Sorry this is more of a rant.... should I feel guilty for not providing access when it is my scheduled time? Can this be held against me in front of a judge? Should I be recording requests and reasons for denial?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    "Why not tell employer which weekend you can and cannot work as to not interfere with visits with your children."

                    You know, there are some employers that are fine with this, and others that are not.

                    It won't be held against you in front of a judge, because it is your right to decline to give him the kids outside of the schedule.

                    Whether it is the right thing to do or not is a completely separate question. Looking back through the thread, you have an impressive list of reasons to not cooperate with your ex, and not enable his access. Where is the list of reasons to be flexible? What is in the best interest of your children?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Busch View Post
                      I now have another question regarding access. I have gotten requests from EX for him to visit the boys on his off weekends. I have had to say no both times for separate weekends. I have made plans for both weekends as they are my scheduled weekends. The first was for dinner with family and the second weekend is one of the boys birthday party. Should I feel guilty, that I have said no? I don't want the boys to go months without seeing their father, however we have access schedules for a reason, and I make my plans for the weekends the boys are to be with me. The ex has said "cant't see them this weekend I am working Saturday", but then turns and says he wants to see them the following weekend. Why not tell employer which weekend you can and cannot work as to not interfere with visits with your children. Sorry this is more of a rant.... should I feel guilty for not providing access when it is my scheduled time? Can this be held against me in front of a judge? Should I be recording requests and reasons for denial?
                      Worry more about what your kids would say. If they want to see him, and your rigidity is denying them time with the father, then learn to be flexible. You can and should ask for as much notice as possible. It is a balancing act.

                      Comment

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