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Remind me why we don't respond to crazy email ...

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  • Remind me why we don't respond to crazy email ...

    So:

    Today is holiday Monday. Monday is also our changeover day. The usual procedure on holiday Mondays is for the parent with the kid to drop the kid off at other parents' place at 5.00. Nothing in divorce order, just procedure.

    Ex has kid this past week. I emailed ex last Wednesday asking if he could drop her off an hour early today because of dinner at bf's sister-in-laws. Not a big deal.

    Ex does not say yes, I can bring her over early, which would be fine. Ex does not say no, we've got plans and won't be done until 5.00, which would also be fine. Ex says he will need to think about this request for a while because I have not given him enough notice to think about that extra hour properly (six days).

    Monday afternoon rolls around. No decision from ex. Sister-in-law wants to know what time to serve dinner. I email ex asking as politely as possible when he is bringing kid over. I get long ranting email response about his right to spend his time with kid as he wishes (which I am not questioning at all - I just need to know what time kid is coming to my place). He informs me that he will text me when he and kid are coming, but I am not to text him because if I did so he would "consider a violation of the guidelines on reasonable communication".

    (Note that I never, ever text ex except in dire emergencies - e.g. kid is in the ER - communication on my end is absolutely minimal and certainly does not extend to screens of pompous email about rights and wrongs). (Note also that ex has often asked me to take kid for extra hours/nights/weekends because he and new wife have plans, and I have never played these "maybe I will, maybe I won't" games - I say yes if it's at all possible to take the kid and on the rare occasions when I can't - out of town on business or something - I say no right away).

    So now, if you've read this far, please remind me that this is one of the many, many situations that do not require a response on my part; that even though I could send a flaming email which would point out all the ways in which he is being a jerk and making co-parenting difficult, I do not need to send that email. Please remind me that when dealing with a conflict-loving ex, silence continues to be the response of first resort.

  • #2
    because only you can stop the crazy train. You respond in kind then its a never ending circle on those tracks.

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    • #3
      In other words, his "I'll think about it" is "I'm going to think about it until the usual drop-off time."

      There's nothing wrong with hoping your ex might accommodate plans with a change in dropoff time, but just don't PLAN on it.

      Whenever my ex is cranky and unreasonable, I just grin to myself and figure it's because there's trouble in paradise. It's not ME he's cranky at; I'm just the convenient target he can take it out on. Think of it that way!

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      • #4
        I've come to expect all manner of nonsense from my Ex - it ranges from the purely annoying to the downright EVIL .... since I expect it I'm never disappointed. We split up for good reason. It sux but living with the idiot was worse!

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        • #5
          Thanks for the perspective. Good reminders here:

          -expect stupid behavior and you won't be disappointed
          -only you can stop the crazy train, because the other person's got their foot on the accelerator
          -you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to
          -divorce is a wonderful thing - because I don't have to live with this (and much worse) 24/7 any more
          -like Rioe's ex, mine tends to freak out at me when something else is going wrong for him (usually something with his new wife or something about money), and I'm just the target, the equivalent of kicking the dog.

          I also know full well that while my ex can be a royal pain in the posterior, he isn't as psycho as some of the exes of people on this board.

          I'm also coming to realize that my work gets in the way a bit here - I have a job which requires me to assess other people's arguments, find the flaws, and respond to them with logic (and no, I'm not a lawyer), and it's hard to turn that critical/analytical response off when it comes to dealing with jerky exes.

          It's helpful to be able to hear from other people reinforcing what I know is the right course, so thanks!.

          Comment


          • #6
            I promise you, better is yet to come for you.
            In the not too distant future, your kidlet will have a car and/or be adult enough to manage city transportation, and she will make her own determination as to arrival and departure times.

            -like Rioe's ex, mine tends to freak out at me when something else is going wrong for him (usually something with his new wife or something about money), and I'm just the target, the equivalent of kicking the dog.
            Hmmm-- I've noticed this too.
            Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks mcdreamy, good to hear. I've seen that happening with other divorced friends - kids in their teens are much more autonomous and require less back-and-forth between the parents. Unfortunately, kidlet is still in elementary school, so that day seems far off.

              However, over the whole span of human life, another eight or nine years until kidlet is launched and I no longer have to deal with idiot ex is not huge. There's more happy ex-free life ahead of me than there is unhappy life behind me.

              The whole "kicking the dog" phenomenon - once I noticed the correlation between things going badly for ex (sometimes realizing this because of things kidlet said about events at her father's house) and him being more of a PITA than usual, I was able to stop some of the soul-searching about whether I was doing something wrong, was I provoking him, etc.

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              • #8
                One thing I have noticed about my fiancé's ex is that if the children are asking to come to our place more she gets defensive and argumentative. S9 wants to spend more and more time with us and this has caused his ex to become more hostile and not be flexible like they usually are.

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                • #9
                  My philosophy is you cant rationalize with an irrational person. Which is why responding to crazy is like chasing your tail. Case in point: my mother who is threatening to boycott her grandsons first birthday because her husband she kicked out 25 years ago will be there. My father could care less, hes there for my sister and nephew. Dont feed the beast. Its not worth it.

                  Comment

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