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  • Scared and Need Help!!

    Unfortunately (no offense) I am the newest member to this forum. Its the last place I thought I would be but now that I am here I need some sincere advice. Here's my history. I met my wife in College, out of convenience we moved in together, we moved away together after college, and have been married for 7 years this February (together 12 yrs). We have had some issues over the years (seemed minor at the time) however with the birth of our child 2.5 yrs ago those issues seemed to go away. We have always said that if there were issues we would deal with them before our marriage got out of hand and we would never have an affair. It was simple, if your aren't happy, talk about it, and if it cant be fixed, leave, dont cheat.

    In the last 6 months it seemed that some issues started to arise again. She felt there was something missing. I agreed however I thought that our stressful jobs and the fact that our child receives 100% of our deserving attention was a big part of it, not us. I hear so many parents talk like this but they struggle through it. My wife didn't understand what she was feeling so she went to talk to someone professionally. Note that this is two weeks before x-mas. This person said that the problem started when we first moved in together at a young age. She went on to say that most people dont know what they want at such a young age and people change as they get older, get a different outlook on life, etc. She also said that if there is nothing to build on (feelings for the other person) than we are waisting each others time. I agreed to some point as I have heard of so many coules staying together just for the kids and and the child feeds off of their miserable relationship. Doesn't work. I personally think to this date that I was a good husband (cooked, cleaned, respectful, very good listener, supportive, etc) and a GREAT father. I love my girl deeply. So we decide to seperate however would be civalized about it to make sure that we made this as least stressful on our daughter as possible. She said that she didn't want any support payments (because of our somewhat minor salary differences)however she would greatly appreciate any extra effort when paying for expenses related to our daughter. So I agreed that I would pay for an extra week of day care (i.e. I pay 3weeks and she pay 1 week for the month) outside of an other typical monthly expenses (clothes, food, etc). I also said (nothing in writting yet) that I would give her a greater portion of the profits from the sale of our house. We also agreed that we would have joint custody with visitation 2 days on, 2 days off, and alternate weekends. Conincidently our house was already up for sale but we were not having much luck. We both agreed that we would live in the house until it sells as we did not want to take a loss on it.

    So thats the long winded history, now this is where it gets ugly. About 6 months ago my wife met a guy at the local gym who used to provide personal security services for local concert venues. Since my wife was always facinated with self defence, she asked if he taught lessons. He did but apparently only one-on-one. This seemed strange to me but I supported and trusted her as always. It seemed that she made friends with a lot of people at the gym and I was worried as the gym seemd to be a social thing for her. She seemd to become more accepting of the seperation lately but I started to question her motifs a bit more. I found a text message on her cell phone to the trainer that made me question what was going on. Since we were now sleeping in seperate rooms, I checked the call history on her phone and it appeared that every night she was calling this guy. So I went a step further, I put the baby monitor in her room and sure enough that night she called him and I listened. What I heard I could not believe, this was not the women I knew, man I am I an idiot. This is 1 onth after we agreed "verbally" that we were going to seperate and she ends the phone conversation with this guy with I Love You. What concerns me is that there was talk during their phone conversation that when our house sells they would move in together at his place. I am afraid that if my knowledge of their affair surfaces that things will fall apart completely. Although I wasn't completely comfortable with our sepration, I was accepting of the terms we verbally made out. We are in a house that we can only afford as a couple and I need financial stability to support my daughter. I also do not want my daughter exposed to their relationship and living at his house when it comes time for joint custody or shared visitatiuon during our 1 year speration, especially knowing that she was unfaithful.

    What do I do???? Do I look for sole custodity?? Do I and Can I speed up the divorce process knowing that she was unfaithful. Do I need to prove that she was and is having an affair, noting that we are not even legally seperated yet, and how do I do this? Does the court take morailty into account?? I am really confused and need help. If this falls apart I cant afford a legal custody battle. In reality, my "wife" is a good mother and my daughter deserves to be in her life, and vice-versa, however I am really concerned and scared how this will turn out. I think I can deal with what my wife did, however I need to focus on #1 and that's my daughter.

    HELP PLEASE!!

    Hurt

  • #2
    Hurt,

    welcome to the forum,

    as you mentioned,

    What do I do???? Do I look for sole custodity?? Do I and Can I speed up the divorce process knowing that she was unfaithful. Do I need to prove that she was and is having an affair, noting that we are not even legally seperated yet, and how do I do this? Does the court take morailty into account?? I am really confused and need help. If this falls apart I cant afford a legal custody battle. In reality, my "wife" is a good mother and my daughter deserves to be in her life, and vice-versa, however I am really concerned and scared how this will turn out. I think I can deal with what my wife did, however I need to focus on #1 and that's my daughter.
    In Ontario, until there is a separation agreement or an order from the court providing otherwise both parents have coextensive custody of the child. At separation and when the child lives with one parent with the acquired consent of the other, the authority to act as a parent is suspended but not ended.

    If you feel you cannot come to an amicable arrangement then you will have no other choice than to litigate. The choice is yours if you want to pursue a sole custody order but make sure your pursuing it for the right reasons that being it is the best interest of your child. To finalize your divorce, wait the one year of separation then proceed.

    In determining custody of your child, the court will have to consider who is going to be living in each parent's home. So, if it is their plan to have the live in boyfriend, this suggests that it may not be appropriate for your child to live primary with the mother at this point in time.


    lv

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks

      Thanks Lv. I did approach my wife on the matter and of course she denied everything or had an answer for everything that was discussed, obviously I couldn't hear the other end of the converation.

      I am in the process of preparing a journal of all my activites I do with my daughter. To-date, I consider myself to be the primary caregiver as I drop her off and pick her up at daycare, do all extra activities (swimming, sleighing, games, etc), prepare all meals, brush teeth, put her to bed, and so on, and so on. My wife does the groceries and laundry 100% of the time and baths our daughter 50% of the time, and me the other 50%. Is there anything else I should consider to ligitimize this journal, put together character witnesses statements, etc.....

      Hurt

      Comment

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