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Support with a disabled spouse - contemplating divorce

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  • Support with a disabled spouse - contemplating divorce

    Thank you for letting me join your board. As a matter of being upfront, I’m in Manitoba. This, however, is the only forum I could find for Canadian divorce advice.

    Apologies for the long post.

    I’m feeling horrible in my marriage and am strongly contemplating separation / divorce, however I’m not sure what to do given my wife’s condition

    MY wife’s physical situation is at a point of near full-on disability due to a genetic deterioration condition She can’t work much which is pushing our already bad financial situation to the limit. We’ve already re-mortgaged once. On top of that, we had a failed attempt at IVF and she wants to do a surrogacy which will be anywhere between 10 and 40k. In an ideal situation I’d love to have another kid but between her health and our finances I can’t see how it’s possible. Additionally our dog, 12 years old, is facing a couple thousand dollars in surgery and my wife wants to move, and quite honestly a higher mortgage will bankrupt us in a matter of weeks.

    If the problems were just financial it would be one thing but I am mistreated in our marriage. She doesn’t realize how burnt out I am and if I do anything wrong or don’t put away something she says I’m childish, and if I lose my temper (which admittedly I do) she calls me asshole or a horrible person or something worse.

    Compounding things are a sick dog and a daughter who is pushing our limits (as 4 year-olds do). Our daughter is at the age (4) of pushing us and testing us, normal of course, and I feel horrible because I’ve made her cry (not on purpose of course), and my wife is reacting poorly to her too, let alone I get berated in front of her and / or get yelled at for arguments in front of or near her.

    I honestly feel like I want a divorce, but aside from having to provide spousal support in the best situation, it looks like I would have to pay higher spousal support because of her inability to work (as I’ve researched in a couple blogs).

    I feel like I’m in a horrible rut. There are many days a week where I’m so sick to my stomach that I can’t eat more than one meal. Right now I’m away on business and I’m sitting in my hotel in the dark unable to do anything healthy for myself. I was looking at the trip as giving myself a break a bit but it’s actually left me feeling worse, because I keep getting texts that my daughter is giving my wife issues at home.

    I can’t stop thinking about my financial situation and being in a life of unhappiness. If I felt like she would respond at all to couples counselling I would do it again but she won’t go.

    So ultimately if anyone can provide advice or knowledge on spousal support for an ex with disabilities I would love it, any other advice is greatly appreciated of course.

    Thanks for listening.

  • #2
    I'm from Alberta. Many people from different parts of the country. Welcome.

    I'd say you have a choice: you stay in a very unhappy marriage broke or you leave and are broke.

    Financial stress is the killer of most marriages or adultery. People in your situation are prime candidates to have affairs which only complicates matters.

    Your wife wanted to have additional children and is unable to support herself? If something should happen to you how would she provide for both children? Nonsense. Point that out to her.

    You say she can't work "much" - what does that mean? Does she currently have employment?

    How many years have you been married?

    How long have you been feeling the way you now do? Have you discussed your depression with your family physician? If you were recently considering adding to your family, were you not happy at that time?

    Sounds like you feel that things are out of control (finance, family life, fear of unknown future). You need to seek some counseling I think Talk therapy would be good.

    Is your ex's physical impairment diagnosed by a physician/specialist or a whackopractor?

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    • #3
      I have a feeling your wife wants another child because she thinks that will "fix" things between you.

      I think you and your ex both need couples counselling and individual counselling. It also may help to sit down and talk about realistic goals. She may be feeling like her life is over with her degenerating condition. It would be scary for her knowing that she will never be the same again and adjusting to her new reality. That could be affecting her moods also. She even may subconsciously be resenting the fact that your healthy and able to do stuff that she now finds difficult.

      Comment

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