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  • Abandoning financial obligations

    As some have seen from previous posts, my husband has become emotionally and financially abusive. He convinced me to take over the house we were sharing with my mom and as of April 1st, our names were on the mortgage. A week after, he began threatening to leave. He knows I can't support myself and my kids, so he made a big show of packing up boxes until I begged him not to go. This cycle repeats about every other week. He refuses to speak to me face to face and will only communicate via emails or texts. I've decided I cannot take this anymore and it's unhealthy for my kids. He locked me out of our bedroom and put my belongings in the hall.

    Right now, he is upstairs packing again. I asked if we could talk and decide how to proceed like civil adults. He did not want to hear that. He wanted to hear for the millionth time that I am dedicated to our marriage and want to work it out. So now he's moving out (I assume). I have been trying to contact a lawyer who will take legal aid but no one has called back. I have been applying to jobs daily but nothing so far. What happens if he leaves? He's already said he's cancelling cable and internet because he pays for it. He pays for the gas bill. He pays the mortgage. I pay for everything else. What happens when he stops paying? I'm going to go into debt because I'll have to put whatever I can onto credit cards. I'm so scared and I have no idea what to do and no legal guidance.

    The ironic thing is that when I met him, he had declared bankruptcy, was laid off, was being evicted. yeah, I'm an idiot. I fell for his sad, I've been wronged sob story and now I'm paying for it. The minute he got an inheritance, a job, his credit back, his whole demeanor changed. I have failed my kids.

  • #2
    If you have a credit card then pay for a lawyer for an hour. The $300 will give you some idea of what to do next, legally. That will tide you over till you can use Legal Aide, as will using FLIC office lawyers if you are in Ontario. Go in with concrete questions written down. Don’t treat the lawyer as a therapist - they are too expensive for that and pretty useless at it. Get yourself either a good friend or a therapist that you can vent to and grieve the end of your marriage.

    Go to the courthouse and file for interim spousal and child support (if he is the father of your children or stood in place of their father). If you don’t feel safe having a friend serving him the papers, go into hiding for a day and return accompanied by a friend. If you don’t feel safe with him being able to come back to the house then you can also file for exclusive possession of the house (easier if he moves out first). It will probably take a month or two or three, but then you will at least hopefully have some money coming in.

    Finances are obviously a big stressor, sit down and write out your budget to get a grasp of your situation. Cable you can live without, but you need internet and phone. If you can’t afford internet at first you can use the library (and also sign out dvds to entertain the kids when they no longer have cable). Contact CRA and fill out the form regarding change in martial status so your CTB will hopefully increase. Reach out to the United Way regarding a one time grant (usually around $500) with your utility bills. Contact Ontario Works (or whatever your local welfare is called) to see if you are eligible for any help, or if they can direct you to any other help you are eligible for. Call local churches to ask if they offer any services, resources, free dinners etc.

    Look for somewhere smaller to rent and sell the house. The money from the equity (if there is any) will most likely be put into a trust so you won’t access it right away, but it may stop the bleeding of your money. While you wait for it to sell, let the bank and town know and they may waive payment of the mortgage and property taxes until it is sold.

    This is a marathon, not a sprint, so think long term. You will probably have a hard time with a new job, even interviewing is hard when you are in crisis, so don’t stress about it too much. Use the time now to get yourself organized, pack up the house, and build your support network.

    You have kids so you don’t have an opportunity to throw a pity party. Stop trying to have rational conversations with someone so controlled by his emotions - it is just frustrating for everyone. Get him out of your hair ASAP and advocate for yourself and your kids. Try to minimize contact with him, using third parties of necessary, until you feel stronger.

    You’ve got this - you are stronger than he expects.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you for your reply. I've left messages on several lawyer's voicemail. I received the list from the women's shelter but I'm having no luck. I do have Oshawa court nearby, so I plan on visiting the FLIC office this week but I've never gone in there. I have no idea what to expect.

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      • #4
        Unfortunately, if you sell your house and money goes into trust your lawyer will see dollar signs. You may not be able to access it but your lawyer will be sure to increase his billable hours because he knows exactly how much equity you have and how much of that he will be sure to take. There is no way around this since you can't hide the equity when you prepare your financials but just wanted to give you heads up.

        Also, when my ex started with the signs of severe mental illness he did the same. Kept kicking me out of the home, then allowing me back in. Packing stuff into boxes, complete erratic and scary behaviour. The other posters gave you some great advice. Focus on staying safe and protect ting your children. Your spouse will most likely just spiral down and he will drag you with him. Now is not the time to feel sorry for him. I allowed mine to stay in the family home after I left. My children and I went to stay with my parents. But a few weeks turned into months. His instability has caused our divorce to still be ongoing. He made our home go to shit and when I forced the sale of the home through a court order it sold way less than it should have. Lawyers are now eating up whatever equity we had.
        Lessons learned.
        Do not let an unstable person remain in your home. If he wants to leave. That is great. Don't stop him. You are no longer safe with him in my opinion. Mine snapped and choked me. He had bever been violent before. File for sole custody and supervised access for him. Do not feel sorry for him or you will let your guard down. He would throw you under the bus if he had to. Try to sever your finances or he will bring you to financial ruins. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I speak from the heart and from first hand experience. You have not failed your kids. You are the stable parent. Take care of yourself. You can do this.

        Comment


        • #5
          make sure you have your own bank account - if you don't have your own then set one up right away.

          I agree with tilt that you need to get to a lawyer to file for interim spousal & child support and exclusive possession of matrimonial home (DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME). Meanwhile, get your hands on as much information as you can (his fax returns, bank account information, etc.). Once you get the interim order you can have FRO enforce and they can enforce. Do not delay.

          If he threatens you call the police.... and be sure to get the police file number.

          Comment

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