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  #1  
Old 09-10-2019, 10:56 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Default When and how do you tell someone new about ďthe exĒ?

When and how did you guys tell someone you were dating about your ex? Or how did your partner tell you about their ex? And when?

When did you guys share your history? I mean, weíre not on here because we get along with our exes. Lol. So thereís sometimes a story to tell. When is the appropriate time to do that?
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  #2  
Old 09-10-2019, 10:58 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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My situationship is that Iíve been casually seeing someone for about two months. He knows Iím separated, and I have a kid. But nothing else. I have no plans on introducing him to my daughter. But he has been sharing more stuff about his past- and I just listen, but donít offer much. When he asked ďwhat happened?Ē- I said, ďI married the wrong personĒ.

I donít think itís shady at all. But some of my friends do. They think I should be a bit more honest. Especially because of the history of violence.
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  #3  
Old 09-10-2019, 11:17 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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My husband told his oldest (teenager at the time) about five months in. She did not handle it well. I learned a few years ago that he had told his kids that he would never date anyone or remarry. His oldest had this idea that they could still be a family of four but with him not living there. Talk about difficult.

I met my fathers long term partner when she was in a long term care facility and the difficult part was watching him being so caring and tender with someone who was not my mom. That was hard. I didnít truly understand the fundamental issues with my parents until I was mature enough to understand relationships.

All this to say that there is never really a set time or way to do it. You and your ex may never be in a good place and/or your ex may never handle a new partner well. Your kids may not handle a new person well or they could think its awesome. Its all in how you approach it. Remember you need to set boundaries with your ex and work with your child on understanding dad will always be dad.

Just donít put your kids in a situation where they end up sitting with their fatherís first wife who talks about the women he cheated on her with...
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Old 09-10-2019, 11:23 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Rockscan- how did your husband tell you about his ex? And how long into dating was it?

What did you think when you found out the whole story?
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  #5  
Old 09-10-2019, 11:41 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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He just told me they were not right for each other and got divorced. He made it seem like it was a mutual decision. I was surprised since he was a really great guy and I was terrified for a few months they would get back together.

I knew there was something wrong with her when He started exhibiting PTSD after reading emails or talking on the phone to her. Sleep walking, saying weird shit in his sleep and having panic attacks. I overheard a convo where he kept saying ďthatís not what I saidĒ and ďstop putting words in my mouthĒ.

Then she started withholding access, demanding he pay for everything she demanded, sent rambling passive aggressive emails accusing him of not caring about his kids and said I wasnít safe to drive them anywhere. That demonstrated I was dealing with a man who had been married to a crazy person.

I trusted him. Heís not perfect of course but the ďconsĒ relate to his trust issues and coping skills. Not deal breakers for me.

I think you can safely tell new dude you are divorced with a child and would like to see how things go before getting serious or introducing him to your daughter. You are the best judge of you. Plus everything is still fresh. Enjoy a casual thing before getting serious.
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  #6  
Old 09-11-2019, 07:45 AM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
My situationship is that Iíve been casually seeing someone for about two months. He knows Iím separated, and I have a kid. But nothing else. I have no plans on introducing him to my daughter. But he has been sharing more stuff about his past- and I just listen, but donít offer much. When he asked ďwhat happened?Ē- I said, ďI married the wrong personĒ.

I donít think itís shady at all. But some of my friends do. They think I should be a bit more honest. Especially because of the history of violence.


This is a very tough one....
I think at some point when you feel things are continuing to move forward.. you should tell this person about the violence. Perhaps not in grave detail at that moment. See how they handle it and react to it.

That new person does have a right to know what they are getting involved with I think...

how do you think you ex is going to react when he finds out your dating? Will he handle it ok? Or will it make him angry?

Has it been a while since your split??

My ex did things I never thought he was capable of. Drive by my home when he had the kids and texted me saying he knew I had someone Over because of the car in the driveway.... and this was well after we moved apart... and then sent insulting texts about it. It was very hard for my ex to accept.. once I put up firm boundaries and let him know I was putting up with that it stopped. But I felt badly for how bad he was hurting... my ex seemed to think that I moved and it was temporary.... even though I never have any indication of such...

I had to dial it back and not have hat person over for a while...

Then with my current partner now... he really didnít tell me the dynamic of his and his exís relationship and breakup until we were too far in... and I was really resentful and hurt... it was a very odd situation and I felt like I was put on the spot as to whether I could accept what his past was... and now how his present needed to change because of his past...

I just think being upfront as soon as your comfortable and you trust this person enough is best. We all have baggage from our exís and the sooner we share it perhaps the sooner itís not such an issue or this new someone can help you pack away the baggage.

Happy for you that you have met someone!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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  #7  
Old 09-11-2019, 09:19 AM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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I was seeing a really decent guy who was an ex police officer 2 years after my separation. Shortly after meeting him I told him about my crazy, violent ex. While we were dating my ex would padlock the front gates of the farm as soon as I went to work ( he lived 21/2 hours away). My new boyfriend would cut the chains with bolt cutters so I could get back in. I ended up breaking up with my new guy when I was forced to go into hiding as my ex escalated his behaviour. My new guy was heartbroken but I told him I couldnít bring another human being into my hell.
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Old 09-11-2019, 09:28 AM
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Janus Janus is offline
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If I am dating somebody they generally just know that I am divorced and that I share custody.


Inevitably, if they are with me long enough they get to witness first hand how my ex is an intolerable individual, but there is no specific "today I'm letting loose the floodgates of information" date. Usually I'll start dropping hints along the lines of "well, she has done this before".


There is some value in a dating prospect understanding the person I deal with. I may not be married to my ex, or talk to her much at all, but we are still very much involved in each other's lives via the children.


***************


From the other perspective, some women have told me a lot about their ex, others not very much. I didn't find one approach to be better than the other.


If a woman was abused in her past relationship and it would affect her current relationship, it might be helpful to share that experience with her current partner. Personally I'm extremely non-controlling so it wouldn't change much for women dating me, but I feel most men would be more sensitive about controlling behaviours, which could overall help the relationship. Yes, we should all be sensitive at all times, but for some people it help to get an explicit reminder.
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Old 09-11-2019, 09:33 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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I have a feeling that a lot of women feel that a new partner will either judge them or look down on them for being divorced sometimes with kids. You do yourself a disservice by thinking this. You married someone you trusted to love you for the rest of your life. It didnít work out. There is no shame in that. My mom was always worried because she had kids. Who could possibly love her when she had kids.

Iona, you were abused. Your marriage failed because of domestic violence. You should be proud that you left that situation when so many others donít. If there is any man who judges you for that they are not worthy of your time. I would caution though jumping into another serious relationship so soon after this situation. Maybe just have it casual and if he is still around later you take it farther but as long as you feel this way about yourself, you are going to end up unhappy.

My husband was out of his marriage for almost three years before we met and had been unhappy for about ten before that. Even then he was scared about anything serious and to this day he jokes he was only looking for someone to go to the movies with. His problem was he didnít trust me to not hurt him. I knew he needed love. Thatís why it worked. He worked on his issues from his first marriage and was who he needed to be to be with me.
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:44 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
I have a feeling that a lot of women feel that a new partner will either judge them or look down on them for being divorced sometimes with kids. You do yourself a disservice by thinking this. You married someone you trusted to love you for the rest of your life. It didnít work out. There is no shame in that. My mom was always worried because she had kids. Who could possibly love her when she had kids.
bingo. not so much on the kid- but coming from an abusive marriage. It's not so much shame I can't handle (because fuck anyone that would shame an abused partner for leaving)...it's the pity. Ugh. I can't stand the pity. And I also don't want nor need a man to pity or protect me. I got myself into that mess. And I got myself back out. I definitely don't feel "unworthy". I'm just concerned about being upfront and truthful.

Quote:
Iona, you were abused. Your marriage failed because of domestic violence. You should be proud that you left that situation when so many others donít. If there is any man who judges you for that they are not worthy of your time. I would caution though jumping into another serious relationship so soon after this situation. Maybe just have it casual and if he is still around later you take it farther but as long as you feel this way about yourself, you are going to end up unhappy.

My husband was out of his marriage for almost three years before we met and had been unhappy for about ten before that. Even then he was scared about anything serious and to this day he jokes he was only looking for someone to go to the movies with. His problem was he didnít trust me to not hurt him. I knew he needed love. Thatís why it worked. He worked on his issues from his first marriage and was who he needed to be to be with me.
I actually lol'd at this- because this is exactly my goal- I just need someone to go to fan expo with...and bonus points if they'll wear a costume.

I am absolutely not looking for a serious relationship. I'm very weary of that with my history. I also have no plans to ever marry again or even cohabitate.
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