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  • Reunification Therapy

    Hello,


    My child is 11.5 years old and has lived with me full time for 2.5 years. I filed motion for sole custody at the request of the CAS and was granted sole custody. Supervised access was ordered for Mom.


    Mom has had a pattern of disappearing over the last 2.5 years. She initially went a period of almost 6 months with no phone calls or requests for visitation. There was another such break in contact for 3 months and currently she has not called her child since this past June.


    Visits were attempted at the supervised access center but eventually ended due to child refusal. The first visit was ended after several warnings by staff to stop making negative comments about me and then my child used their "safe word" to indicate they wanted to leave. Following this there were two child refusals and the visits have stopped.


    My ex has served my lawyer with a notice of motion requesting access to our child. So far they have made no indication of what type of access they are looking for. They are also asking for consent to start reunification Therapy.


    My question is, will a court actually force a child his age to go to therapy with his mother? He is dead set against seeing her and I know that unless I physically force him to go to therapy, he's not going to go willingly.

  • #2
    It's possible a judge may order it. Is the child in therapy already? If not, it may be helpful for him to be in therapy to deal with how he feels about his mom and family situation, and the counselor may be able to offer a report on whether it's in the child's best interest to attend reunification therapy.

    Comment


    • #3
      I would agree with blink except for if you all of a sudden to take child into one sided therapy to obtain a report that child wouldn't benefit from re integeration when they have asked for re integration, then, well, it may raise questions. Such a report should only be rendered by the OCL.

      You could state you are not sure if re integeration is appropriate and would like for the OCL to review the circumstances and see what is appropriate course of action.

      In all honesty, I would consent to reintegration and see what comes from it. They might be looking for you to say no so they can argue you're not encouraging the child to have a meaningful relationship with the mother.
      Last edited by tunnelight; 12-12-2018, 01:46 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Hi,


        My child has been seeing a counsellor that was set up through Ottawa Victims Services. We were offered this counselling as they were the victim of an assault by Mom, which is why cas stepped in.


        It is closed counselling meaning the counsellor cannot disclose certain things discussed between them and the child. However, this counsellor did write a letter to the court in regards to her opinion on the child's maturity level, and possible risks associated with returning to Mom's care.


        My lawyer has asked for the OCL to be appointed so that the child has a voice. When Mom was first charged with assault, she wanted the OCL appointed but the judge ruled that it was not appropriate at the time as CAS was still involved in the case.


        Mom wanted OCL before but now they are not consenting. Her lawyer recently sent a letter stating that they will consent to the OCL only if we agree to reunification therapy.


        At this point I am ready to go to court to fight to have the OCL appointed and avoid reunification.


        I just worry if the courts order that the child attend, I'm in a position where I may not be able to force them to go.


        This is what happens when one parent disappears for long stretches of time I support.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Teddie View Post
          I just worry if the courts order that the child attend, I'm in a position where I may not be able to force them to go.


          You hate the mother, you are willing to litigate to stop reunification therapy, but your worry is that you might not be able to comply with the order?

          I know Tayken has the link, but there was that great court ruling on this. What would you do if your 11 year old kid decided not to go to school? Whatever you would do, you do the same thing here, problem solved.

          You might claim you could not make him go, but that would be a lie.

          Also, I don't think reunification therapy is that bad. You hate the mom, it does not mean that the kid has to hate the mom too. Mom was very bad in the past, it does not mean that she will continue to be bad in the future.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Janus View Post


            You hate the mother, you are willing to litigate to stop reunification therapy, but your worry is that you might not be able to comply with the order?

            I know Tayken has the link, but there was that great court ruling on this. What would you do if your 11 year old kid decided not to go to school? Whatever you would do, you do the same thing here, problem solved.

            You might claim you could not make him go, but that would be a lie.

            Also, I don't think reunification therapy is that bad. You hate the mom, it does not mean that the kid has to hate the mom too. Mom was very bad in the past, it does not mean that she will continue to be bad in the future.
            You certainly make a lot of assumptions, don’t you.

            A woman on a child abuse registry is hard to like but I’m not a hateful person.

            My kid has had to go to multiple days in court, interviews with police, supervised access (where they indicated to the staff that they no longer wanted to attend), interviews and court prep with victims services etc etc.

            I want the OCL involved so that my kid can state what they want. At this point I think they’ve had enough. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.


            What it boils down to for me is, if a judge makes an order, of course I'll send him. The part that worries me is the impact on my kid. If their having trouble emotionally and indicating that they don't want to go, I'm not going to keep forcing them to go....I don't see that the same as someone being forced to go to school.....pretty much every kid prior to high school is forced to go. Not every kids is forced to sit in a room with a parent that has shown little interest in their kid for 2.5 years and put them through what Mom has.
            Last edited by Teddie; 12-12-2018, 12:49 PM.

            Comment


            • #7
              The mother did a bad thing and it hurt the child yes but the mother is still the mother and they could work on themselves and become a better person. The time lost with that parent should not be lost. I say this from experience with a mentally ill mother who was abusive and contributed to anxiety issues in my siblings and I. Her loss in my 40s was heartbreaking because as difficult as she was, she was still my mother.

              You want to protect your child which is expected and admirable. Therapy will help the child express their fears, understand their feelings and teach them how to be assertive. It will also bring the mother in to the circle to work on her issues and improving her approach to parenting.

              Judges arent stupid and they see the effects of ongoing litigation with families. If a judge orders reunification therapy they dont do it to check a box. You SHOULD send your child to therapy and INSIST they attend.

              If anything else, ask yourself this: if the situation were reversed and you did something horrible and had the opportunity to work on improving it, would you be ok with the other parent saying no?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                The mother did a bad thing and it hurt the child yes but the mother is still the mother and they could work on themselves and become a better person. The time lost with that parent should not be lost. I say this from experience with a mentally ill mother who was abusive and contributed to anxiety issues in my siblings and I. Her loss in my 40s was heartbreaking because as difficult as she was, she was still my mother.

                You want to protect your child which is expected and admirable. Therapy will help the child express their fears, understand their feelings and teach them how to be assertive. It will also bring the mother in to the circle to work on her issues and improving her approach to parenting.

                Judges arent stupid and they see the effects of ongoing litigation with families. If a judge orders reunification therapy they dont do it to check a box. You SHOULD send your child to therapy and INSIST they attend.

                If anything else, ask yourself this: if the situation were reversed and you did something horrible and had the opportunity to work on improving it, would you be ok with the other parent saying no?

                Well put. The difficulty for me is it's hard to see things changing with Mom. It's hard to accept when she has made no efforts to work on making things better. Maybe her request for this therapy is the first step but I have my doubts.


                If this "Therapy will help the child express their fears, understand their feelings and teach them how to be assertive. It will also bring the mother in to the circle to work on her issues and improving her approach to parenting." were to happen, that would be the ideal outcome.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Give it a chance. You never know what might happen. But if the mother does change and you never encouraged the child to try, they may resent you in the future.

                  My father was a bad person who cared only about himself. My mothers hatred for him was difficult to swallow and I resented her for years for not only her anger but also not letting us see who he was earlier.

                  Children of divorce survive the split when the two parties keep the divorce between them. The fighting and hatred and animosity and ongoing difficulty are what make it hard on kids.

                  If she fails at this then you can let it go but at least let her spend time with a neutral party in between her and the child so they can facilitate and point out issues she needs to work on.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                    Give it a chance. You never know what might happen. But if the mother does change and you never encouraged the child to try, they may resent you in the future.

                    My father was a bad person who cared only about himself. My mothers hatred for him was difficult to swallow and I resented her for years for not only her anger but also not letting us see who he was earlier.

                    Children of divorce survive the split when the two parties keep the divorce between them. The fighting and hatred and animosity and ongoing difficulty are what make it hard on kids.

                    If she fails at this then you can let it go but at least let her spend time with a neutral party in between her and the child so they can facilitate and point out issues she needs to work on.

                    Sorry, that's unfortunate that it went that way for you.
                    I agree, the divorce needs to be between the parents.


                    My feeling is that she will mess it up but who knows.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      My STBX is catostrophucally brain damaged and assaulted the children. They were forced to see him ( supervised access). It did not go well as he has no remorse or insight due to his brain injury therefor there is no hope of him ever taking responsibility for his actions and working on his issues. He too stopped acccess of his own accord for multiple long periods. His thought process was to f the judges and show them he didn’t need supervised access. The result was even more resentment on the children’s parts. Reunification therapy was suggested however due to one of the children attempting suicide and being hospitalized in response to a court order forcing him to see his dad, reunification was not implemented.
                      Had I known now what I didn’t know then I would have done several things differently.
                      I would have agreed to a custody/access assessment but would not have been assessed myself as CAS and the police had no issues with me. I also would not have paid half as again, my parenting was never under question.
                      I would have insisted the evaluator had actual training and expertise in domestic violence. I would not have co-operated anywhere near to the degree I did. My ex did harm the children both physically and emotionally but it was family court that did the lasting damage to them not my ex. He couldn’t help himself and family court refused to see him as brain damaged. Family court has a mantra that no matter what the circumstances a parent should always eventually have unsupervised access.
                      I did encourage and support the children as best I could to see him . After all he made some attempts which for him was quite something. The problem was he needed very strict controls to ensure the kids safety which the court refused to acknowledge until our child attempted suicide. Then all of a sudden the idiot judges and lawyers take notice.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Agreeing to try re-integeration does not equal agreeing to unsupervised access to the mother. Please don't confuse the two.

                        My advice would have been different if there was a "NO ACCESS" order in place. There is an access order in place and you must do whatever you can to facilitate access. You don't "have to" try re-integration but it is something that would look good on you more than it would otherwise look bad on you if you digged in your heals right away and didn't agree to try it.

                        Be smart.
                        Last edited by tunnelight; 12-13-2018, 02:13 AM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          The confusion is all yours. The OP has many similarities to my situation in that his ex has supervised access, dissapears and disrupts access for long periods and reunification therapy has been suggested. I did not suggest that reunification therapy equals unsupervised access to the mother. Unification therapy does however come with the assumption that at one point in time prior to estrangement the parent in question did have a good relationship with the children to begin with. Reunification therapy aims to bring the children and parent back together in a healthy relationship. This can be in a supervised or unsupervised environment.
                          To answer the OP’s question, yes the court can order a child who is 11.5 years old to see a unification therapist. In fact they can order a child up to the age of 18 to do so. Enforcing the order is another matter. The court expects you as the custodial parent to do everything in your power to encourage the child to attend. The court can also make orders that they can not legally enforce but that’s a post for an entirely different topic.
                          If your child reacts negatively to such an order you need to speak to them and see if you can alleviate their fears. You should also be wary if they are angry or make threats to harm themselves if forced to go to therapy.
                          I have no respect for court therapists or reunification therapists as all of them did harm to my children. I had much more success on my own getting the children to contact their father than they ever did.
                          In summary, the court can make an order to force the kids into therapy and expects you to get them to go. The court doesn’t care if reunification is in their best interests or not until a child does something extreme in response.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Teddie View Post
                            If their having trouble emotionally and indicating that they don't want to go, I'm not going to keep forcing them to go.
                            At least your child will get a good civics lesson on the results of ignoring a court order.

                            The correct procedure of course would be to go to court and get the order changed, but it sounds like you have already decided that you are not going to take that path.

                            I don't see that the same as someone being forced to go to school.....pretty much every kid prior to high school is forced to go. Not every kids is forced to sit in a room with a parent that has shown little interest in their kid for 2.5 years and put them through what Mom has.
                            The equivalency was not between "going to school" and "going to therapy". The equivalency was "parents can make kids do things, a parent who says that they cannot is either a terrible parent or is lying"

                            You do not want your kid to go to therapy. You are already preemptively painting the picture of "I tried but sadly was unable to make him go to therapy". You can make your child go, but you have already decided that you are going to fail at the attempt. To be clear, I don't care, I'm just trying to warn you that there is a good chance a judge will see right past your facade.

                            Also, careful...Stillbreathing is a bit bombastic, it is unlikely that therapy is going to damage your child, and it might provide some really good help. Don't use SB's experiences as a template to create your own.

                            Comment

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