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  • Should I keep calling my child when with his mom?

    Our toddler is mostly with me even though the agreement is 50/50. The mom calls 1 or 2 times a week.

    When he is with her for 1-3 days i call every day to see how is he. (I write down everything though but I call him because I care)

    My parents tell me not to call as often because she doesn't call either.

    The child currently prefers to stay with the mom as I mentioned in another post.

    But I always talk nice to him about his mom. For her birthday I bought her some flowers and made a letter with our son's photo and said this is to you from our son. Just to keep parenting better.

    She never even called me on my B-day.

    I am thinking not to call when the child is there to minimize my contact with them because that's what they obviously want.

    Again, my son even rarely wants to talks on the phone with me because he is nearly 70% of the time with me and is scared I would pick him up, because probably feels as he needs to spend more time with the mom (and his cousin of same age) and that kills my moral to call daily.

    In our minutes of settlement I am allowed to call any time I want when the child is there, so is she, except she doesn't.

    Should I cut my calls too?

  • #2
    What did it matter if she did not call you on your birthday?? Dude you are not together anymore so the little things like that she does not have to do and you should not feel hurt by it.

    As for calling the child every day he is with the mother even though he really doesn't want to talk to you ,back off a bit. You have him 70% of the time so let him enjoy the time with his mother. Just because the minutes of settlement give you certain rights, that doesn't mean you have to excercise those rights. He is telling you what he wants by his actions. If you keep doing it, he may start resenting you for intruding on his time with his mother and the fun he is having with his cousin.

    Comment


    • #3
      Your child is a toddler, it is normal for them not to talk on the phone. Mine is 3 and in 9 months she has never called me (her dad has never helped her to, so I don`t know if she wants to). to be fair, she desn`t ask to call her dad anymore either when she is with me.

      Maybe try calling once, but ony if it doesn`t disrupt the child`s day.

      Comment


      • #4
        In my experience - Although nice, Regular calls are not necessary - Be secure in your relationship with your child. Give them space. In effect you're undermining your child's time with their other parent...

        Comment


        • #5
          Elvis...

          I agree with the OP's.

          The child is with you the majority of the time, and by your own admission, he doesn't like your telephone calls. I think if you re-read your post, you will find that you answered your questions for yourself.

          Daily calls are not necessary.

          It was a nice gesture for you to purchase flowers for your ex on her birthday, (as a gift from your child)... and I assume that you did so, because he enjoyed making the gift and giving it to Mommy. So you were really doing it for him.

          If your ex doesn't return the sentiment, don't be offended. Be secure in the fact that you did what you felt was right, and the little guy enjoyed it...Leave it at that.

          Good Luck

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
            What did it matter if she did not call you on your birthday?? Dude you are not together anymore so the little things like that she does not have to do and you should not feel hurt by it.
            .
            No, I don't feel hurt that she didn't call me on my birthday. What I was doing, like REPRESENTINGSELF understood, is trying to make parenting better for the sake of the child. I didn't buy her gift on her birthday and mother's day from me but from the child and I expected her to do similar thing for father's day and my birthday so the child enjoys it and feels more connected to both of us. But since she is not up to it, so be it.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by representingself View Post
              Elvis...

              I agree with the OP's.

              The child is with you the majority of the time, and by your own admission, he doesn't like your telephone calls. I think if you re-read your post, you will find that you answered your questions for yourself.

              Daily calls are not necessary.

              It was a nice gesture for you to purchase flowers for your ex on her birthday, (as a gift from your child)... and I assume that you did so, because he enjoyed making the gift and giving it to Mommy. So you were really doing it for him.

              If your ex doesn't return the sentiment, don't be offended. Be secure in the fact that you did what you felt was right, and the little guy enjoyed it...Leave it at that.

              Good Luck
              You are absolutely right. Except she should call the child more often. She knows the child misses her and still doesn't call, that is the least she can do. When I ask her why she doesn't call him she says she was too busy. It hurts me when he asks for her and I have to lie mom is working or whatever, or when the phone rings and he asks is that mom calling. IDK if she is realizing, but the child would be happier if she at least called him.

              Then the child may be too sensitive at his age and is going through separation anxiety phase so I will cut down my calls.

              Thanks

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Elvis View Post
                Our toddler is mostly with me even though the agreement is 50/50. The mom calls 1 or 2 times a week.

                When he is with her for 1-3 days i call every day to see how is he. (I write down everything though but I call him because I care)

                My parents tell me not to call as often because she doesn't call either.

                The child currently prefers to stay with the mom as I mentioned in another post.

                But I always talk nice to him about his mom. For her birthday I bought her some flowers and made a letter with our son's photo and said this is to you from our son. Just to keep parenting better.

                She never even called me on my B-day.

                I am thinking not to call when the child is there to minimize my contact with them because that's what they obviously want.

                Again, my son even rarely wants to talks on the phone with me because he is nearly 70% of the time with me and is scared I would pick him up, because probably feels as he needs to spend more time with the mom (and his cousin of same age) and that kills my moral to call daily.

                In our minutes of settlement I am allowed to call any time I want when the child is there, so is she, except she doesn't.

                Should I cut my calls too?

                If you have your children 70% of the time, then maybe you could back off a little, though I wouldn't worry about when she calls or doesn't.

                I was in a position that it's the opposite, she has them 65% now but before that she had them 75-80%+, I was calling everyday, and was lucky to get through 50% of the time. My ex signed and actually put it in the interim agreement that I could call daily at 6:30pm, I would call, but not be able to talk to them. I think that some would say when children at a young age do not really have much to say, which is true, but it's not about that, it's about letting you children know you are there, that you love and miss them, that you care what they're doing and how their day was.

                My ex later would argue that it was "disruptive" to the children....CRAP! How and the heck can a 2 min phone call be "disruptive" at an agreed daily time. Even if you are busy with the children, you can always take 2 min's out of the end of the day to speak with the children, this is not about being disruptive, but control and alienation.

                So the judge listen to her, then gave me a through the week overnight acess, but then was only able to call Tues, Thrus and Sat's when I do not have them.

                The problem was, now being limited to those specific nights, I would see them on Wed, then wouldn't allow me to talk to them on Thurs through Tues, so would see or talk to my children for 8 days!

                SO, to get back on track here, what's sooo wrong with parents allowing the children to speak to dad or mom, com'on, 2 mins/day....no one can or will every convince me that it's disruptive, especially when the time is agreed on, and there is no negative talk about the other parent.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by LostFather View Post

                  I was in a position that it's the opposite, she has them 65% now but before that she had them 75-80%+, I was calling everyday, and was lucky to get through 50% of the time. My ex signed and actually put it in the interim agreement that I could call daily at 6:30pm, I would call, but not be able to talk to them. I think that some would say when children at a young age do not really have much to say, which is true, but it's not about that, it's about letting you children know you are there, that you love and miss them, that you care what they're doing and how their day was.
                  Exactly.

                  Originally posted by LostFather View Post
                  So the judge listen to her, then gave me a through the week overnight acess, but then was only able to call Tues, Thrus and Sat's when I do not have them.

                  The problem was, now being limited to those specific nights, I would see them on Wed, then wouldn't allow me to talk to them on Thurs through Tues, so would see or talk to my children for 8 days!
                  So how did she convince the judge that it was disruptive? Isn't a parent who calls and cares for his children better than the one who doesn't even call?

                  I will cut on calls only because the child is experiencing separation anxiety so I will let him have his time with the mom but when he gets back to the routine I will call every day, or every second day, because I care. But the child is only 3 now and like OP's say, I shouldn't call every day.

                  There were periods when she called 2x a day, then wouldn't call for a week. But it is all up to her weather she wants to call or not. She doesn't mind when I call though.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Elvis View Post
                    You are absolutely right. Except she should call the child more often. She knows the child misses her and still doesn't call, that is the least she can do. When I ask her why she doesn't call him she says she was too busy. It hurts me when he asks for her and I have to lie mom is working or whatever, or when the phone rings and he asks is that mom calling. IDK if she is realizing, but the child would be happier if she at least called him.

                    Then the child may be too sensitive at his age and is going through separation anxiety phase so I will cut down my calls.

                    Thanks
                    How old is your toddler?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      just over three

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Elvis View Post
                        just over three
                        As suspected. Dependant on the parents to make...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          What your minutes of settlement say means nothing really vs your dynamic feel about what's best for child at any given time.

                          My experience is that toddlers like their current state and they prefer not disrupting it. This is why exchanges tend to be stressful for children. So it doesn't surprise me that he may not want to talk to you when he calls because he is otherwise engaged.

                          You may be applying your adult "bigger perspective" on to your toddlers littler world when you say you are calling him so much to let him know you carel But each parent is out of sight out of mind I'm guessing, for most of the time your child is with each of you. It's probable that he is quite happy not to have you or his mom calling when with each of you. But you know your kid better than me, or those minutes of settlement.

                          I would hope that when your child asks to speak to the other parent when with each of you, that the courtesy is extended and that each of you assist him in having telephone access. But I'm not no sure that calling him every day is best, or necessary, or even a good idea.

                          I have my kids most of the time. I don't call them at their mom's to see how they are doing, but I welcome calls from them.

                          My advice to you is to let him decide when he wants to speak with each of you when he is with each of you, not the other way around.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Elvis View Post
                            Exactly.



                            So how did she convince the judge that it was disruptive? Isn't a parent who calls and cares for his children better than the one who doesn't even call?

                            I will cut on calls only because the child is experiencing separation anxiety so I will let him have his time with the mom but when he gets back to the routine I will call every day, or every second day, because I care. But the child is only 3 now and like OP's say, I shouldn't call every day.

                            There were periods when she called 2x a day, then wouldn't call for a week. But it is all up to her weather she wants to call or not. She doesn't mind when I call though.

                            The Judge per say, did not say that the calls were disruptive, it was my ex's argument, she also said that she didn't want to be "held hostage" waiting for the calls, even though the time in the clause was her and her lawyer's idea, which we both signed.

                            The judge did however, order one night through the week which was to be an overnight, so I lost some telephone contact but gained access, which was a win for me and the children. unfortunately, she took her anger of losing the day via telephone access.

                            So I see the judges reasoning, give more access, less need for telephone. But she didn't factor in my ex's vengefulness. To this day, if the ex get's pissed for any reason, the children and I suffer, as every second week, I only see them on Wed after school overnight. So when she gets cranky (which is a lot) I can go from Wed to the next Wed without even speaking with my children. Lots happen in one week!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
                              What your minutes of settlement say means nothing really vs your dynamic feel about what's best for child at any given time.
                              Nah, if we ever and up in court for any reason I will throw the question why she couldn't take 2 minutes every second day to call her child.

                              Will not change anything but certainly may shed some light on the whole picture. She has no excuse.

                              Comment

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