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  • Supervision during access? Opinions please

    My ex husband just had the children for his summer access visit.
    I picked the girls up yesterday at noon, I felt like a child at Christmas seeing them again even tho it had only been a couple of days.
    At the exchange he was rather chatty.
    He made a comment that his mom had told him it's ok to leave a 12 year old and a 9 year old unsupervised for short periods of time.
    I was puzzled but didn't push the issue further as I'm never sure if he's itching for a fight or quite what he's doing.
    Later last evening the girls and I were sitting around cuddling, my oldest daughter that had turned 12 on August 17th made a comment.
    It was Daddy left us alone for 5 hours while he took his girlfriend into the city.
    I was stunned!!!
    He didn't ask them if he wanted to go he told them they were staying behind.
    They were told to watch tv and drink pop.
    Ive never left the girls unsupervised before as they have a horrible habit of fighting like crazy.
    They didn't sit and watch tv however they went on the trampoline, went to the pond and caught frogs, and checked around the old barn for mice.
    Nothing bad happened. Thank god!!!
    Am I foolish to presume tho that during his access he should spend time with them rather than leaving them alone?
    He lives in the country, his house phone has been cut off, the closest neighbor is roughly 10 minutes away.
    The girls have cell phones however the service at his place is awful.
    I would really love peoples opinions on this.

  • #2
    Unfortunatly he is right, there is no defined age that you can leave your children. The law leaves it up to the descretion of the parent.

    IMHO he should have discussed it with you first, as well as the first time shouldn't have been that long in such an isolated place. You would hope that during his access he would rather spend his time with his children than with his gf.

    Maybe this is a good oprotunity for you to discuss staying at home with your children. Maybe sign your oldest up for a babysitting course where they will go over some of the dangers in the house.

    Here's some good articles on kids staying at home alone

    Home Alone: When is it OK to Leave Kids Alone?

    http://www.torontocas.ca/wp-content/...loneforweb.pdf

    Comment


    • #3
      Nothing you can do. CAS won't look sideways at leaving a 12 year old in charge for short periods of time. UNDER 12 and they'll have an issue with it, but if the kid is 12 there's nothing you can do about it.

      At 12, they can take the Babysitting program, run through the Red Cross I believe. If your daughter hasn't already I would HIGHLY recommend you get her to.

      Comment


      • #4
        Actually the course is open to kids 11 years and older. Some kids as young as 10 are able to stay alone for short periods.

        Comment


        • #5
          His kids, his time.

          12 is old enough to baby sit, especially a 9 yo sibling.

          Not what you would do, but it is what he would do.

          Not your business - learn that and you'll be happier

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by billm View Post
            His kids, his time.

            12 is old enough to baby sit, especially a 9 yo sibling.

            Not what you would do, but it is what he would do.

            Not your business - learn that and you'll be happier
            Does it not as well depend upon the maturity of the child left to babysit?
            As for it not my business, you're wrong!!
            FCS has warned him regarding supervising the children while they are with him.
            This is not an isolated instance by any means.

            Comment


            • #7
              Instead of making this into a conflict with your ex, perhaps talk to the children directly, and set some boundaries for when dad is away i.e. not to leave the house, go near the pond or in the barn, etc.

              It would be best to contact the ex first, and say something like "I respect the fact that you are competent in making decisions regarding our children's welfare while in your custody, but I was concerned to hear they were on the trampoline, hanging around a pond, and in the barn while you were away. I would feel more comfortable if they were to stay in the house while you are gone. I'm not meaning to step on your toes, but I am hoping you can see my concerns and would back me up on this. If it helps, I will talk to the kids about it first, and then you can reinforce it at your house. Please let me know what your feelings are on this matter."

              Ultimately, though, it is not your business. You trusted your ex before, and if you were together, at some point you would be leaving the oldest to babysit anyway. Is this really worth potentially starting a battle? Truthfully, is it the fact that your kids were alone that bugs you... or the fact that your ex and his girlfriend had some alone time together on an access weekend? We all have lives to live, and it is not always possible to live them around the unnecessarily rigid access schedules.

              Pick and choose your battles. IMO, this isn't one worth getting into. If anything, the trampoline might be an issue in my books (not personally a fan of trampolines at any time), but any issue you bring up needs to be approached very carefully and diplomatically, otherwise the message will be lost in the conflict.

              Comment


              • #8
                The safety and well being of my children is my ONLY concern.
                Each visit with their father is a new problem, FCS speaks with the girls roughly every 3 weeks due to their fathers behavior. As I said earlier this is not an isolated instance, however o asked for opinions on this issue.


                I posted asking peoples opinions, that is all.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I see you getting peoples opinions.
                  I also see you being a little defensive?

                  Call FCS if you are so certain he is a monster because he did it.
                  Seems like they get called 3 times a month anyway?

                  I wonder if he calls them on himself?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by formyGirls View Post
                    ...I would feel more comfortable if they were to stay in the house while you are gone. ...
                    at 12 and 9 - don't go outside without supervision in the country???

                    That's crazy IMHO - maybe its a bit of dad thing, less worried. We can worry about our kids, and we don't want them to get hurt etc - but one has to learn to let them go - especially in the country. Might even do them good to fight unsupervised, let them work on their relationship without parent involvement.

                    I lived waterfront in the country, at 9 I was all over the place, just came home for lunch and dinner.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by billm View Post
                      I lived waterfront in the country, at 9 I was all over the place, just came home for lunch and dinner.
                      I grew up in Port Elgin by Lake Huron. We lived on the southern edge of town. We literally had a corn field behind our yard. From the age of 6 I was all over the place. We also came home for lunch, dinner and when the street lights came on.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
                        I see you getting peoples opinions.
                        I also see you being a little defensive?

                        Call FCS if you are so certain he is a monster because he did it.
                        Seems like they get called 3 times a month anyway?

                        I wonder if he calls them on himself?
                        They most certainly do not get called 3 times a month.
                        I find this site and most of the people on it to do nothing but pass judgment. Are they helpful? No. Some are courteous however a lot are not.
                        I do become defensive when it comes to my childrens welfare and their safety.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          billm,

                          I grew up just like you did in that respect... as did millions of others. I like to give my kids some freedom too, but not quiiiiite as much as I had.... I got into some T-R-O-U-B-L-E when I was that age, lol!

                          Funny enough, the place I moved into after separation was out in the country, had a pond and an old barn behind it. There was junk laying around, tall grass and weeds, etc. I began to clean it up right away, and when our kids were with me, we cleaned up (ok, they explored while I cleaned up), in the back of the property together. My oldest tells my ex how they were throwing stones in the pond, going down an old slide, looking in the barn... she freaks out and calls cas. The reality is the kids were within a hundred feet of me the whole time, and I am letting them (ages 6 and 3 at the time) have some freedom and testing them to see how they will behave. All part of good parenting I believe. If I have a property with these "hazards", I want to know my children will respect the boundaries I set for them in regards to these things. Spoke to CAS, they cleared me of anything.

                          Two years later, the girls are still talking about the fun they had back then. It drives me crazy that parents are so freaking scared of letting their kids be kids now! Add divorce into the mix, and the kids being kids becomes a leverage point again, with parents often hiding behind "doing what is best for the kids" while they plot an attack on the other.

                          Word of advice to Kim... be careful with the CAS reports. Too many, especially if they are not severe and fully verified concerns... will destroy your credibility and stereotype you as being overprotective and abusing the system. It may backfire.

                          Kim, I'm not trying to make you feel like you need to defend yourself. You are asking for opinions. You are not the first to have gone through something like this. But try to remember, your kids are having a new and different experience at their other house. There are boundaries to be explored and many new experiences for them to enjoy. Unless bones are being broken or they are not getting the basic food and shelter necessities, give things a chance. Approach your ex, without accusations, if you are seeking more supervision, but your kids are at an age that doesn't give you a very strong argument that way.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Kim Bowes View Post
                            I posted asking peoples opinions, that is all.
                            Perhaps when people take the time to offer their solicited opinion(s), you shouldn't jump down their throats ("you're wrong!!") for it... it makes you look like a high-strung, controlling, argumentative bitch who's predisposed to overreacting.

                            [opinion]

                            Your ex is a parent too, and if what he's doing is legal, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS what he does on his time. If there's dangerous behaviour, then it becomes someone else's business. Until then, butt out and let him screw up to his heart's content.

                            You wanna raise your kids in a bubble? Go ahead: Such is your right. Nobody else is required to, though.

                            [/opinion]

                            You asked for opinions and you got some. If you don't like what you read, too bad. Quit crying and whining about how nasty [we] are.

                            Cheers!

                            Gary

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I'm just thinking back (waaaaaaayyyyyyyy back) to when I was 12, and my brother 9.... My Mom used to kick us out of the house in the morning and tell us to not dare come back before dark.

                              Nobody died. Nobody went to jail. We grew up, we have memories, and we have families of our own now...

                              I guess that was all OK, though, because my parents weren't divorced at the time. Had they been, that sort of behaviour on my Mom's part would have been fuel for the CAS/OCL/FCS mill...

                              heh

                              Cheers!

                              Gary

                              Comment

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