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  • Distance from Children's School/ Pre-school

    My ex wants to have overnights with our toddler daughter during the week.

    She attends pre-school 5 days a week 9-3.

    I'm all for visits in the afternoons during the week (even if she leaves preschool early 2x a week), but overnights may be hard because in the mornings, her commute to preschool will likely be 40-50 minutes to get there from his mom's condo (where he's staying).

    I think that's too long to drive a toddler to preschool in the morning.

    What's the acceptable time/distance one parent can be from the kids school to make it reasonable for them to drop them off in the morning?

    Thanks

  • #2
    What is an acceptable amount of time that a child can be kept away from a parent for frivolous reasons?


    The situation is not ideal. However, I have a friend who lives in a rural area and her kids are on the schoolbus an hour every morning. Being in a comfortable parent's car is much better than that!

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Janus View Post
      What is an acceptable amount of time that a child can be kept away from a parent for frivolous reasons?


      The situation is not ideal. However, I have a friend who lives in a rural area and her kids are on the schoolbus an hour every morning. Being in a comfortable parent's car is much better than that!
      A toddlers comfort is a frivolous reason? Your response makes me think you're more concerned with the Dad's rights than the kid's best interests.

      For a school aged kid- I mean, 45 minutes is still a long time...but sure, it's better than a bus..but for a two year old? An hour in the car to get to school seems like a long time.

      Comment


      • #4
        Did you move away from the area? or have you been in the same area since child's birth?

        Would you think the same if he moved close and it was 15 mins?

        Its not father's rights it the right of a child to have both parents in their lives and if he is asking he wants to be in her life.

        Would you think that the time she sees him would be enough for her to see you?

        We lived 1h outside of ottawa and had daycare in town so yep kids from 6 months to 4 had an hour drive. Both were fine then and are fine now.

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        • #5
          Agree with Janus. Many kids spend that long or longer on the school bus, and a judge will point out exactly that. There is zero issue with a child having a comfy ride to school in a parent's car, and certainly nowhere near valid reason to keep a child from having overnights with the other parent. Just let the other parent be a parent during their time, save the battles for abuse/neglect or something actually worth keeping a child from their parent.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
            A toddlers comfort is a frivolous reason?
            If you are that concerned, perhaps let your toddler go to a daycare next to the dad's place on his days?

            I know, I know, it is "preschool", which has some level of gravitas or something. In the real world, we still call it daycare. Especially now that "real school" starts when the kid is 3-4 years old. Preschool for humans that are not even verbal or have bladder control? Is this for real?

            I'm sure you have some reason as to why Dad can't choose his own daycare. Friends? Caregiver you trust? Continuity of care? I'm sure you'll think of something.

            Anyhow, whether or not I buy it, the important thing is that a judge won't buy it.

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            • #7
              I've seen a judge dismiss it, and suggest its a good opportunity for one on one time with the parent.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Janus View Post
                If you are that concerned, perhaps let your toddler go to a daycare next to the dad's place on his days?



                I know, I know, it is "preschool", which has some level of gravitas or something. In the real world, we still call it daycare. Especially now that "real school" starts when the kid is 3-4 years old. Preschool for humans that are not even verbal or have bladder control? Is this for real?



                I'm sure you have some reason as to why Dad can't choose his own daycare. Friends? Caregiver you trust? Continuity of care? I'm sure you'll think of something.



                Anyhow, whether or not I buy it, the important thing is that a judge won't buy it.


                We had a meeting to discuss with our counsel. Dad said in his pleadings that he thinks Montessori is right for her. We both agreed. I researched 4 schools, to see which ones could handle her severe allergies. Dad said he wanted one closer to him, I said that’s valid and said sure, which one? he was given a month to research some options and propose them. He did nothing and when I followed up because time was running out on our current caregiver- he said he was going to “let” me send her to the one I researched.


                As to the poster who asked if I moved her. I did actually, about. 45 min closer to her dad. We lived in the east end of the GTA, but after the separation he moved to his moms in Mississauga.M. I have a very good job in East and that’s where we lived. However, it made the most sense for me to be in the West because that’s where my support system is AND her dad is in the West end. If I really wanted to keep her away from her dad I would’ve kept status quo and bought a house in the east - where we already lived. But for her, it’s better for our daughter to not be dragged across the city between her homes and be close to both sides of her family so I changed jobs, took a pay cut and am moving my life.


                Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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                • #9
                  So you are about doing what is best for her and he agreed with the school too so he as well is about what is best for her.

                  Takes a community to raise a child and that includes her father. Give her the gift of time with him.

                  How you see him should not reflect on their relationship. Think if it this way if something was to happen to you she will need him and that relationship to be solid.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                    We had a meeting to discuss with our counsel. Dad said in his pleadings that he thinks Montessori is right for her. We both agreed. I researched 4 schools, to see which ones could handle her severe allergies. Dad said he wanted one closer to him, I said that’s valid and said sure, which one? he was given a month to research some options and propose them. He did nothing and when I followed up because time was running out on our current caregiver- he said he was going to “let” me send her to the one I researched.

                    I was about to say "well, he is going to lose terribly then, what a moron". Then I thought a bit and realized that the argument is not over the school, it is over the driving.


                    You knew where he lived, and you chose a school/daycare that was far away. It could be construed that you agreed to your kid being driven from father's place to the school/daycare that you chose.


                    You place a high value on "kid should not be in a car". Father evidently does not care as much. Objectively, it is hard to say that you are correct. For what it's worth, I actually agree with you, I think putting kids in cars in terrible. I just do not think that this is a hill to die on, and I'm not even remotely confident that you would get a judge to limit a parent's access based upon your situation.


                    If the lawyer is telling you otherwise, it is because you can afford Montessori, which makes you a very valuable client. That stuff ain't cheap.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Janus View Post
                      I was about to say "well, he is going to lose terribly then, what a moron". Then I thought a bit and realized that the argument is not over the school, it is over the driving.


                      You knew where he lived, and you chose a school/daycare that was far away. It could be construed that you agreed to your kid being driven from father's place to the school/daycare that you chose.


                      You place a high value on "kid should not be in a car". Father evidently does not care as much. Objectively, it is hard to say that you are correct. For what it's worth, I actually agree with you, I think putting kids in cars in terrible. I just do not think that this is a hill to die on, and I'm not even remotely confident that you would get a judge to limit a parent's access based upon your situation.


                      If the lawyer is telling you otherwise, it is because you can afford Montessori, which makes you a very valuable client. That stuff ain't cheap.
                      You're right- it's not a hill to die on. I'm not bringing this to a court- that would be dumb, and expensive. And my lawyer is good- he would tell me the same thing.

                      What I was looking for from this post is simply "hey- is this too far? what's your experience with driving kids long distances for school?".

                      And just an fyi- his access is limited now because he threatened to kill our daughter when she was sleeping. (and me. but lol- no one cares about that apparently- i know. it's galling, but it's true).

                      This issue? small potatoes. But I'm thinking big picture. What I'm trying to do is prepare myself to ask for what is reasonable. I might be a lawyer- but I'm a relatively new mom. And I'm still trying to figure out how to be a mom at the same time I'm now a separated mom in the middle of a custody battle trying to do what's right (and safe [!]) for her kid.

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                      • #12
                        This is probably a temporary issue, if he is living at this Mothers. Surely he has plans to find more permanent housing closer to her school/daycare.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by kate331 View Post
                          This is probably a temporary issue, if he is living at this Mothers. Surely he has plans to find more permanent housing closer to her school/daycare.
                          You would think that right?

                          But in his words "nope". He doesnt' plan on moving for the next 2-3 years. It's fine- because I'm moving and that makes it easier on our daughter (and me). We're talking adjacent municipalities. It's not too bad at all on the weekends or late evenings. But the traffic in the mornings and early afternoons is horrendous.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                            I'm now a separated mom in the middle of a custody battle trying to do what's right (and safe [!]) for her kid.
                            The right thing to do is to love your child more than you hate her father. I'm not some father's rights nutjob, but if it makes you feel better to dismiss what I say by using that label, go crazy.

                            The drive is fine, you are just gatekeeping.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Janus View Post
                              The right thing to do is to love your child more than you hate her father. I'm not some father's rights nutjob, but if it makes you feel better to dismiss what I say by using that label, go crazy.

                              The drive is fine, you are just gatekeeping.
                              You are probably right. I appreciate the insight of people on this board. If you haven't been through it- it's hard to understand it.

                              And I don't hate my ex. I'm afraid of him- but I don't hate him.

                              Comment

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