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  • #16
    Originally posted by kate331 View Post
    I think we are getting too amune to abuse. If one of my kids came home or to daycare/school with visible marks on them, it would be addressed. This is child abuse imo.



    I have been that parent that has disciplined in frustration/anger and now have better tools to manage, so does my ex.



    The problem isnt forcing the child to go by taking away electronics, its trying to help a parent that has resorted to harming a child over some sibling rivalry. Whats next for these kids if their behaviour escalates? Obviously they aren't responding well to the physical abuse.



    Its Dad, that needs to take away the electronics if the the children are misbehaving in public, not Mom. What am I missing here in this thread? Because the focus seems how to get to kids to go to Dad's to get pinch and not on a solution for the abuse to stop.



    Here's a simply solution that is taught for struggling parents. Give the child(ren) expectations before outtings. This is how we behave, you will get one warning only, then we are packing up and immediately going home to NO electronics and a time out. Sounds to me Dad just needs some better parenting tools and if it takes a call to CAS, to get him some help I'd make that call in a heartbeat.


    Thanks Kate!! You sound like you have a wealth of knowledge about tools to help parents. I heard from OCL, she agrees that this is excessive force and it should be reported to CAS. She now will be back to interview the children again.


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    • #17
      Originally posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
      OCL Areasy told me she will be recommending parenting classes to dad after whatever the children had divulged to her.
      Wait. The OCL told you what she would be recommending before the disclosure meeting? That's explains a few things to me now for my experience with the OCL. Thanks for sharing !

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      • #18
        Originally posted by tunnelight View Post
        Wait. The OCL told you what she would be recommending before the disclosure meeting? That's explains a few things to me now for my experience with the OCL. Thanks for sharing !


        The OCL knows I have taken the children to a program called “moms House dads house” and that dad was told to take the kids and refused. So yes she told me unless he can prove he took the course he was told to take yes she would be recommending he take it. That’s all she eluded too... not much help in my opinion... he still won’t go.


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        • #19
          Originally posted by kate331 View Post
          I think we are getting too amune to abuse. If one of my kids came home or to daycare/school with visible marks on them, it would be addressed. This is child abuse imo.

          I have been that parent that has disciplined in frustration/anger and now have better tools to manage, so does my ex.

          The problem isnt forcing the child to go by taking away electronics, its trying to help a parent that has resorted to harming a child over some sibling rivalry. Whats next for these kids if their behaviour escalates? Obviously they aren't responding well to the physical abuse.

          Its Dad, that needs to take away the electronics if the the children are misbehaving in public, not Mom. What am I missing here in this thread? Because the focus seems how to get to kids to go to Dad's to get pinch and not on a solution for the abuse to stop.

          Here's a simply solution that is taught for struggling parents. Give the child(ren) expectations before outtings. This is how we behave, you will get one warning only, then we are packing up and immediately going home to NO electronics and a time out. Sounds to me Dad just needs some better parenting tools and if it takes a call to CAS, to get him some help I'd make that call in a heartbeat.
          +1 .

          This is abuse.

          It seems like a lot of people are forgetting that a child is getting physically disciplined in a way that all (?) of us think is completely unacceptable.

          To say "what would you do if they didn't want to go to school" - is not the right question....more like, "what would you do if they didn't want to go to school because they're being physically bullied/assaulted?" - that's the right question here. Pinching hard enough to leave a mark HOURS later? That's unacceptable.

          Mom 2 Two- I'm sorry you're in this position. I'm sorry your kids have to go through this.

          Question- did dad use the same "disciplinary" (and I use that term very loosely) techniques when you were together? what did you do then?

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          • #20
            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
            +1 .



            This is abuse.



            It seems like a lot of people are forgetting that a child is getting physically disciplined in a way that all (?) of us think is completely unacceptable.



            To say "what would you do if they didn't want to go to school" - is not the right question....more like, "what would you do if they didn't want to go to school because they're being physically bullied/assaulted?" - that's the right question here. Pinching hard enough to leave a mark HOURS later? That's unacceptable.



            Mom 2 Two- I'm sorry you're in this position. I'm sorry your kids have to go through this.



            Question- did dad use the same "disciplinary" (and I use that term very loosely) techniques when you were together? what did you do then?


            Thanks Iona... know definitely he did not do that before. They were much younger and he always looked to me to discipline because he would just yell and scream.

            You made an excellent point. If they refused to go to school because they were being bullied or abused I would be in the phone to principal as fast as I could.

            Yes a red mark noticeable in a picture 9 hours later. And pinched through a winter coat. ;-(. My son has told me dad does this but never showed a mark before.


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            • #21
              Originally posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
              Thanks Kate!! You sound like you have a wealth of knowledge about tools to help parents. I heard from OCL, she agrees that this is excessive force and it should be reported to CAS. She now will be back to interview the children again.


              Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
              I've taken a lot of parenting/special needs classes/courses to help manage my own situation. I see a lot of parenting solutions that would cross over to main stream children. I see your ex as a parent that could be overwhelmed and in need of solutions with 5 kids to manage on his time, not denied access. If a parent is resorting to pinching their children in public to behave, they need some help. Who knows whats going on behind closed doors

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              • #22
                Originally posted by tunnelight View Post
                Wait. The OCL told you what she would be recommending before the disclosure meeting? That's explains a few things to me now for my experience with the OCL. Thanks for sharing !
                Me too! OCL already told me I'm not getting my Sunday nights kids free. But she is going to say NO to the split weekends my ex wants. She also told both of us to attend the SNAP program.

                Why is it suppose to be kept secret until the disclosure meeting???
                Last edited by kate331; 01-14-2019, 03:59 PM. Reason: add question

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                • #23
                  Discipline or abuse?

                  In a normal circumstance you would be able to say “stop pinching our kid” and dad would find another way to discipline them. Unfortunately this isn’t normal and you have to manage how kids are disciplined in his care. No you shouldn’t have to punish kid 2 nor should you have to send your kid off to a guy they hate. But right now, under these circumstances, you have to manage the issue. This goes along with my advice “you can’t control other people’s behaviour”. Your ex is a jerk to his sensitive child and there’s no way to tell him effectively due to litigation and his crazy new gf.

                  I made a couple of suggestions as did others. OCL told you something that would have been a given regardless of their involvement (parenting classes). If your ex was serious about 50/50 custody they would be on their best freaking behaviour, taking classes and being dad of the bloody year. Hes not and this is why you are having to wade through this.

                  Perhaps its simply this—you tell both kids to be on their best behaviour with dad and leave any rough housing, goofing off and general misadventures for your house. I don’t see this as any different than going to a friend/relative/outside place where they need to behave. Kid 2 should see that his brother is struggling at dads house and may be willing to help out his brother. My two siblings and I always looked out for each other no matter where we were. We hated each other at home and there was definitely some kid on kid action but elsewhere, nobody touched us. They are only there for two days and I cant see them being in public (which is where this happens no?) for very long. Advise kid 1 that he needs to start saying to dad that he hurt him and he doesn’t like it.

                  Bad advice but I will say it anyway...failing all that, have him go to teacher and say his arm hurts from dad pinching him and show the mark!
                  Last edited by rockscan; 01-14-2019, 05:11 PM.

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                  • #24
                    Regardless how custody turns out in their case, these children have a right to not be physically abused by anyone. They are going to have many years of access/parenting time with their Dad. If this could be corrected right now, this will help ensure a lasting and healthier relationship with both parent and child(ren). His girlfriend may be crazy, but I wonder if she knows what going on, and if she is OK with this form of punishment being inflected on her own children.

                    Telling them to be on their "best behaviour" imo is sending a message to the children the abuse is their fault. And now they have to walk on eggshells around Dad, not to piss him off when its typical childs play they are getting in trouble for. They should be relaxed and enjoying their time, not worried when the next pinch is coming. Of course there should be consequences for their behaviour, Dad just needs better tools, and if a CAS worker or OCL accessor can help him. I say sign him up!!!

                    When you know better, you do better. I see a parent struggling and needing help.

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                    • #25
                      abuse is abuse is abuse

                      might be very difficult for you, and the timing not great, but I think you have an obligation as a parent to protect your child

                      Child should report incident to school (neutral 3rd party) and you should definitely express your concern, in writing to the other parent.

                      Who cares about "what this might look like" - you need clarification from your ex.

                      Other parents would have marched their child to Emerg to have the bruises photographed and attested by medical personnel.

                      I'd empower your child to know the abuse is wrong and encourage child to seek help from family physician and school.

                      What a sicko ex you have. I feel very sorry for you and your son.

                      That's my 2 cents. I'd be very, very concerned.

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                      • #26
                        I'm with you Arabian, my concern is how this post is being misconstrued as a Mom wanting to deny access. This is not the case from what I am reading/understanding. Are we are getting so jaded that abuse trumps parental rights? The concern seems to be about not stopping the abuse, but making sure the children continue to visit, and adjust their behaviour so the abuse will "somehow" stop and use ipads as a tool to stop the physical abuse? Again, what I am not understanding here?? There are hundreds of lurkers here, and this is the message "us" senior members are sending out to the public???

                        We are the adults here, I am dumbfounded at some of the responses.

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by arabian View Post
                          abuse is abuse is abuse

                          might be very difficult for you, and the timing not great, but I think you have an obligation as a parent to protect your child

                          Child should report incident to school (neutral 3rd party) and you should definitely express your concern, in writing to the other parent.

                          Who cares about "what this might look like" - you need clarification from your ex.

                          Other parents would have marched their child to Emerg to have the bruises photographed and attested by medical personnel.

                          I'd empower your child to know the abuse is wrong and encourage child to seek help from family physician and school.

                          What a sicko ex you have. I feel very sorry for you and your son.

                          That's my 2 cents. I'd be very, very concerned.

                          Thanks Arabian... I wish I could send ex and email about this behaviour. The last time I did so it went ignored. My son just wants the pinching to stop. There are many other ways to deal with behaviour out in public. I sure don’t have to resort to this when they are with me. They get a warning... then they lose a privilege. Then we leave.
                          We see the family Dr’s therapist today.
                          I think once my son knows he can still see his dad and the behaviour will not happen anymore he will be ok.
                          Thanks for your two cents....




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                          • #28
                            I don’t want anyone to think I condone dads behaviour. I was taking into account the issues with correspondence, the other sides “conflict seeking” lawyer, the current litigation and the ongoing difficulties the child has with dad.

                            Like I said initially, in normal circumstances she could tell him to stop pinching the kid. This guy is a treat and a half and has his gf do all his fighting for him. If anything was said it would create additional drama and probably escalate the trauma to the child as dad would target him. Plus if mom2two intervened in parenting time, she would be accused of alienation (which he has already claimed btw). This is an extremely difficult scenario with a hurt child in the middle.

                            Hopefully the outside parties can help stop this bs and you can move forward with your matter.

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