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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #11  
Old 11-19-2017, 08:08 PM
tunnelight tunnelight is offline
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Originally Posted by billiechic View Post
The child has been punished many times in the past (even last week) when dad finds out she talked and shared negative acts at his house.
I hate parents that do that. My ex is the same.

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Originally Posted by billiechic View Post
CAS is well aware that this is the case, and until she tells someone other than mom, nothing will be done. She is still too scared to talk.
Careful. My ex intentionally had our child go to the principal to say I was going to harm the child. CAS was called and child did not share share comments with social worker. Telling your child to share these things with professionals isn't going to help - unless they are truth. They could very well be just things the child thinks you want to hear (or things you have coached the child to say).

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Originally Posted by billiechic View Post
constant mental and emotional abuse.
Whoa whoa.Calm the horses and take some time to cool your jets. You're not a psychologist who did an assessment on the family now are you ?


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Originally Posted by billiechic View Post
I will look into a pay as you go option tonight. I am concerned he will take it away but I think his lawyer will be instructing him to allow it now. I suggested it a month ago in an offer but was not accepted.
That can be just brushed off as you wanting to control child on their time with other parent. I could tell you that if my child was given a cellphone at age 11 - the rules at my house would be no cellphone. It will get turned off and put away - just as it would in a school classroom. When they turn 14 - maybe. Child can easily be coached by you to call you and text you during their ENTIRE time with the other parent. It's the other parents private time, a cellphone can not be used as a tool to monitor their time with the other parent.

Now - what was your ex charged for ? Is it a criminal offense ? Have they pleaded guilty ? Is it something that they will fight in criminal court ? Is it something you could use against them in family court ? This is your strongest evidence to use against your ex - depending on details and circumstances.
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  #12  
Old 11-19-2017, 08:31 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tunnelight View Post
I hate parents that do that. My ex is the same.



Careful. My ex intentionally had our child go to the principal to say I was going to harm the child. CAS was called and child did not share share comments with social worker. Telling your child to share these things with professionals isn't going to help - unless they are truth. They could very well be just things the child thinks you want to hear (or things you have coached the child to say).

Whoa whoa.Calm the horses and take some time to cool your jets. You're not a psychologist who did an assessment on the family now are you ?




That can be just brushed off as you wanting to control child on their time with other parent. I could tell you that if my child was given a cellphone at age 11 - the rules at my house would be no cellphone. It will get turned off and put away - just as it would in a school classroom. When they turn 14 - maybe. Child can easily be coached by you to call you and text you during their ENTIRE time with the other parent. It's the other parents private time, a cellphone can not be used as a tool to monitor their time with the other parent.

Now - what was your ex charged for ? Is it a criminal offense ? Have they pleaded guilty ? Is it something that they will fight in criminal court ? Is it something you could use against them in family court ? This is your strongest evidence to use against your ex - depending on details and circumstances.
He has been charged with domestic assault against me. There is to be no contact with me and therefore child is being given cell phone to have communication and not violate his conditions.
Child is not being coached at all. She is coming to me sobbing, and this has been ongoing for well over 2 years. CAS is well aware of it, they are also aware that by sharing what she told them in confidence that they created and contributed with the problem of her not wanting to talk since she was punished for telling CAS thibgs at her dad's house.

Fyi I am no newbie to all of this. I have been on this forum for 9 years and have already thought of all the counter arguments to my choices. I realize I will be accused of all those things you mentioned above. And I also intend to once again ask for OCL so that hopefully they will find the truth. I am NOT looking to bury my ex but to free my child and myself to live without this conflict. That has been my intention all along and 8 years of constant conflict has proven that he is not capable of doing anything to cooperate.
I did not press charges. Through his own continued conflict the police were involved once again and they decided there was enough evidence to charge him. Mandatory by law.

Did you forget this is posted in the domestic violence section?

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  #13  
Old 11-19-2017, 10:47 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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I am curious, how did your ex get close enough to you to assault you? One would think that after experiencing 9? years of violence that you would have taken precautions to ensure your safety.

Might be a good thing that your ex has finally been charged and no longer flying under the radar. Important your daughter knows how to dial 911 (not your phone number) and let the professionals provide intervention if necessary. If not then all you can do is focus on how you can provide a drama-free life for you and your child.

Your ex very well may turn out to be a model father when you are not around... let's hope he can manage that.
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  #14  
Old 11-20-2017, 12:06 AM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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I am curious, how did your ex get close enough to you to assault you? One would think that after experiencing 9? years of violence that you would have taken precautions to ensure your safety.

Might be a good thing that your ex has finally been charged and no longer flying under the radar. Important your daughter knows how to dial 911 (not your phone number) and let the professionals provide intervention if necessary. If not then all you can do is focus on how you can provide a drama-free life for you and your child.

Your ex very well may turn out to be a model father when you are not around... let's hope he can manage that.
The cops charged him with an assault that occurred years ago when we were married.
They were called because he was threatening to be outside my house and follow me. They seemed to think it was a valid enough reason. Is there someone else I need to convince?

And then apparently when they ask for the history of the relationship they have the ability to charge for anything that has enough evidence. They told me they would be charging him regardless if I wanted to or not.

I was taking precautions. That's why I called after an hour of threatening text messages (15) and 6 phone calls with voice mails.
Anyone else have any questions or can we move onto helpful advice?

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  #15  
Old 11-20-2017, 12:09 AM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
I am curious, how did your ex get close enough to you to assault you? One would think that after experiencing 9? years of violence that you would have taken precautions to ensure your safety.

Might be a good thing that your ex has finally been charged and no longer flying under the radar. Important your daughter knows how to dial 911 (not your phone number) and let the professionals provide intervention if necessary. If not then all you can do is focus on how you can provide a drama-free life for you and your child.

Your ex very well may turn out to be a model father when you are not around... let's hope he can manage that.
I seriously doubt he will be a model father when I'm not around. He's actually to the outside world a very good father. That is exactly the problem. What goes on behind closed doors, what gets sent to me and only me, that's the problem. Not who he looks like to the public.
We've all been watching the Hollywood news. It's not that difficult to hide criminal and abusive behaviour is it? Especially when nobody believe the victim, right?

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  #16  
Old 11-20-2017, 12:25 AM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Children who grow up in abusive homes are more likely to become abusers or victims in their own relationships. They learn from an important role model that violence toward a loved one is acceptable. How to break the cycle is a better question. I cant believe CAS is not helping more. A women shelters may be able to give you some resources.
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  #17  
Old 12-07-2017, 09:45 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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Thought I would update. Child now has cell phone and ex has not attempted to communicate with me. He was angry at HER yoday because she forgot to take the phone off vibrate and missed 3 calls from him.
He has however instructed his sister (his 3rd party contact) differently than what our current mediated agreement states, and is refusing to accept an email either through her from me, or through someone I designate. He is insisting all communication only through text (which can be a disturbing back and forth)

He has also gone ahead and chosen a counsellor for her without even communicating with me. I have medical custody, so he cannot make that decision unilaterally. He has already cancelled a counsellor appointment that I made with a counsellor, which he had no right to do.

I am putting together the paperwork for a motion to change to sole custody. We cannot communicate, he is blocking the means we do have in place. There is constant conflict, which his sister is now feeding into.

My daughter has expressed very clearly her reasons to choose to go to counsellor A and her dad insists she go to counsellor B. I agree with my daughter's assessment and that she is more comfortable with A and that will allow her the ability to speak freely, rather than B, who insists parents be involved (and the exact thing I wanted to allow her confidentiality for). The whole pint of counselling is to provide her a neutral party when she can speak freely and get help without either parents knowledge of the details or ability to influence. Only counsellor A seems to be able to provide that.

His court hearing is scheduled for January.

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  #18  
Old 01-06-2018, 08:17 PM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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Sounds like youíre doing the right things. Good luck in January with your motion. I have a motion scheduled as well and have been at it now for over six years. The best you can do is follow court orders, have a safety plan and go back to court if he does not follow orders. If the child is in extreme danger I would suggest making a plan A, plan B, plan C, etc. Thatís what I did and had to enact plans B, C ,Dand E when plan A turned out to be useless!

Donít think for one minute it makes any difference if the CAS, police, medical doctors are on your side. Even in the face of concrete third party evidence of the dangerousness of a parent, the judge will minimize it and endanger children. I had CAS writing letters to the court and my exís lawyer in a tizzy saying over and over ďthis changes everythingĒ...but it didnít. Sure he got supervised access and six years later still does but the judge made orders that endangered all of us.
Plan B was go into hiding and refuse to give my ex, my lawyer or the court the address where we lived. A self help restraining order because my pleas for one were ignored. The judge didnít care and subsequently ignored my ex and his lawyerís pleas to compel me to reveal where the children and I were living . His not knowing our whereabouts in no way impeded his supervised access.

Family court is a crap shoot. You will have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your kids . Sometimes following the court orders works and sometimes your kids pay a horrific price when you do so. Itís one big chess game sometimes with people Ďs lives at stake.

Think of it as a game. A high stakes game. Pretend your a Hollywood actress when you go to court. One who is cool, calm as a cucumber and unflappable. Court doesnít always rule in the favour of evidence or common sense. If not , itís ok. Go home, carefully mull over your options and plan your next move.
Checkmate!
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  #19  
Old 01-06-2018, 11:18 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Sorry your going through this. How old are the children? Do they not want to see their Dad? Are they old enough and responsible enough not to disclose your address? Ive got a kid that would blurt out anything for a Kinder egg .
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  #20  
Old 01-08-2018, 04:46 AM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billiechic View Post
Thought I would update. Child now has cell phone and ex has not attempted to communicate with me. He was angry at HER yoday because she forgot to take the phone off vibrate and missed 3 calls from him.
He has however instructed his sister (his 3rd party contact) differently than what our current mediated agreement states, and is refusing to accept an email either through her from me, or through someone I designate. He is insisting all communication only through text (which can be a disturbing back and forth)

He has also gone ahead and chosen a counsellor for her without even communicating with me. I have medical custody, so he cannot make that decision unilaterally. He has already cancelled a counsellor appointment that I made with a counsellor, which he had no right to do.

I am putting together the paperwork for a motion to change to sole custody. We cannot communicate, he is blocking the means we do have in place. There is constant conflict, which his sister is now feeding into.

My daughter has expressed very clearly her reasons to choose to go to counsellor A and her dad insists she go to counsellor B. I agree with my daughter's assessment and that she is more comfortable with A and that will allow her the ability to speak freely, rather than B, who insists parents be involved (and the exact thing I wanted to allow her confidentiality for). The whole pint of counselling is to provide her a neutral party when she can speak freely and get help without either parents knowledge of the details or ability to influence. Only counsellor A seems to be able to provide that.

His court hearing is scheduled for January.

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So so sorry you're going through this....believe me, I can sympathize. I went through something far less serious with my daughter...but because she was older, I had an easier time than what you're dealing with.

You're doing all the right things....don't give up. When you know what's happening, you really only have one choice. Do whatever you have to do to ensure the safety of the children...period. You have my very best wishes.
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