Refusal to written visit schedule

[geena]

Soon to be ex works out of provice at times. Over 30 thousand in owed support. Fro is involved. Collecting, however, he just came back and is looking for a job locally. Took a lay off, unemployed right now. He won't put in writing when he will pick up our child and bring him home. I had a situation when I allowed a very flexible visit schedule, to have him tell me I was working too much and he could not look for work due to me being unavailable to care for him. This certainly was never the case, and of course made me change my ways, and get it all in writing so I could then prove that I did not take advantage of my son being with his father. It feared me.
Yesterday, he picked up our child from school, and brought him home 30 minutes earlier than planned. Fine, but what if I were not home? At the door he asks if he can pick up our child at school in front of our kid. I said call later and I will check my book. He did not call. I got a text at 2am saying he was picking up our child at school. I said no. That all plans need to be made in advance. I have a note from his grandparents that they will be picking up our child on friday and returning him home on Sunday. PERFECT. My soon to be ex, will not do it stating I'm controlling.
He also accuses me of drinking and carrying on when it is so far from the truth and just wicked. He is in arrears, alot. I still let him see the child, because I am a good mom and I do not want a sad little person around.

He has sent me a text stating he is picking up the child at school and that's all there is to it.

This is not right. I have sole custody, but he is making it so difficult.
He is never available. I couldn't reach him all last night to confirm today. His phone was not on, and he was not answering texts. He just does not want to deal with me. Its nasty, and it hurts the child.

I am feeling forced to let the visit just go ahead due to the grief it will cause with the child, however, it is my concern that rules are not being followed, and he just does not care about how I parent my child.

Can I do anything about it? I have told my lawyer. He said I am the boss at this point. I just want it to be easier for my little boy. Child support isn't up to date, he is here not working and unavailable for our child to call him, yet he wants to exercise his rights. I just am tapped out!

[kamkatie]

If you don't want the child picked up at school by others without your permission then inform the school and leave a copy of your separation agreement with them. You are perfectly within your rights as the sole custody parent to want to know who is getting your child, when and when you will be getting them back. If there are reliability issues, set up a pre-determined time for advance notice. I have this with my ex who isn't always the greatest on timelines. If he wants the kids for extra time he needs to give me at least 48 hours notice. While it is definitely in your child's best interests to see his dad it is also extremely important that dad is reliable and respectful to you. There are some things that are worth the fight with the ex, try communicating your concerns with him preferably over email so you have documentation. What does your agreement say about visitations?

[geena]

I started to use email for that exact reason. He tells me I have nothing better to do, and to stop harassing him. He said for me to use the phone like a normal person.
I decided that my ex's father and mother were reliable, and they have asked for my son in writing, in advance. It works great. I told my ex that he can arrange his visits with them, and then I don't have to fight him anymore. He tells me I am making his dad sick from stress.
As far as giving him a "let me know by" date. He won't do it.
It is so tough as it affects our child if he can't see his father.
I even asked my ex to have my son call me and say goodnight, and he said "You call him." I can do that, I just wanted to avoid having to speak to the dad or the parents.
I wanted to know if I am able to decide the visits?
He tells me that the judge will "tear me a new one" if I deny him access. I don't want to deny, just want him to comply to a written schedule.

[kamkatie]

He's right that if you are denying him access for no good reason the judge will not look favourably on you. That's why documentation is so important. Simply state in an email to him that you would love for him to see his son but it is important for your son to have some stability and you need a reasonable amount of notice in order for this to happen. No judge in their right mind is going to find it unreasonable for you to want things like drop off and pick up times pre-arranged. Do you have a separation agreement? What does it say for visitation schedules?

[representingself]

You need a specific, regimented access schedule, if your ex is not willing to be responsible and reliable for a flexible schedule.

This should have been done in your separation agreement.

If not, the standard is 1 or 2 weekday evenings, and alternate weekends.

If his schedule is accomodating, I would send him a letter offering...

Every Tuesday and Thursday evening from the end of the school day until 7:30 p.m.

Alternate weekends, from Friday at 6:00 p.m. to Sunday at 6:00 p.m.

Once you send him the letter, try and enfore it yourself. If he continues to be unreasonable, you may have to ask the courts to enfore it.

It is imperative that children have stability and the courts will easily award you a specific access schedule.