Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Update on Co-Parent Counselling

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #16
    Originally posted by kate331 View Post
    Good to the child??? He threatened to slit the child's throat!!!
    Unless directly or indirectly affirmed by him, or believed to be something he may do to this own child, then it is really nothing more than an unsubstantiated claim that would only serve to hurt her case.

    Originally posted by kate331 View Post
    From what I understand, if your not willing to co-parent or at least communicate then one parent should have sole custody. Correct me if I'm wrong.
    There must be evidence of effective communication / cooperation between the parties before joint custody is ordered. However, one parent can't engineer conflict and then oppose joint custody. In some cases, joint custody and/or shared parenting is ordered to preserve a parents relntantioship with their child regardless of no proven ability to communicate effectively.

    The parties have consented to numerous orders and to counselling. IF they successfully complete counselling then that is good evidence on their ability to make good decisions together for their child.

    Comment


    • #17
      Originally posted by kate331 View Post
      Good to the child??? He threatened to slit the child's throat!!!

      From what I understand, if your not willing to co-parent or at least communicate then one parent should have sole custody. Correct me if I'm wrong.
      Which is horrid and completely terrible to say. No question. But that was xx/months ago. He's since been through criminal court, cas, ocl, counseling, supervised access and now family court. Even the OP says, besides that unimaginable remarks to her, he's always been a good dad. If he's "paid his debt" and nobody has concerns, why should the child continue to miss out on the bonding experience unsupervised and overnight access provides - especially when dad is begging for it and the child is asking for it.

      Not talking to each other may result in sole custody (final say), or split decisions, but they could still share access. Given the limited amount of communications needed, with no direct exchange required, I'm sure ex will be able to communicate about their child; maybe not the 'you were bad' therapy. He seems to be agreeing to everything in order to see his daughter, which is hurting his case; he's even doing therapy with the OP at her request (demand?).

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by tunnelight View Post
        Unless directly or indirectly affirmed by him, or believed to be something he may do to this own child, then it is really nothing more than an unsubstantiated claim that would only serve to hurt her case.
        He admitted guilt to two counts of uttering threats and one count of assault- one against our daughter and one against me (+ the assault). He had to admit guilt to the specific charges in order to enter the 'early intervention program'. He successfully completed it and received an absolute discharge. However, an absolute discharge is not the same thing as a withdrawal of the charges. It's considered an admission of guilt. He will have a record for 1 year. Then it will automatically be expunged. The crown actually asked me if I wanted it to be a 'conditonal' discharge + peace bond...which would attach conditions for a year- and would show up on his record for 3 years. I said no because I *thought* we were moving to a better place. And I did not see any reason to have the criminal matter affect his life more than it already did. But the truth is that I was manipulated. It's not shocking and I only saw evidence of this last week. Frankly I should've expected it- but recovery from abuse is a long road. And you stumble- and make mistakes. But anyways- the point it- yes, he did specifically admit it.

        At this point though- it really only matters to my case if we pursue a full custody trial- but I'm going to continue to do everything in my power to avoid that.

        There must be evidence of effective communication / cooperation between the parties before joint custody is ordered. However, one parent can't engineer conflict and then oppose joint custody. In some cases, joint custody and/or shared parenting is ordered to preserve a parents relntantioship with their child regardless of no proven ability to communicate effectively.

        The parties have consented to numerous orders and to counselling. IF they successfully complete counselling then that is good evidence on their ability to make good decisions together for their child.
        I will likely give joint custody just to avoid a trial. BUT I will also ask for a term that either party may bring an action to change custody without proving a material change in circumstances after a year. I know it's a risk cause he could do it too. BUT if he truly is going to use joint custody as a means to try to continue to control me and play these games- then regardless of the cost, I will try to change it.

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
          The crown actually asked me if I wanted it to be a 'conditonal' discharge + peace bond...which would attach conditions for a year- and would show up on his record for 3 years. I said no because I *thought* we were moving to a better place. And I did not see any reason to have the criminal matter affect his life more than it already did. But the truth is that I was manipulated. It's not shocking and I only saw evidence of this last week. Frankly I should've expected it- but recovery from abuse is a long road. And you stumble- and make mistakes.
          You were manipulated to the point he should have had conditions/peace bond because he wanted court during a counseling session focused on the past?

          At this point though- it really only matters to my case if we pursue a full custody trial- but I'm going to continue to do everything in my power to avoid that.
          It's in your ex's (and child's) best interest to get to trial asap if you won't agree to unsupervised, overnights, or anything less than 50%. I understand why you would want to avoid it.

          I will likely give joint custody just to avoid a trial. BUT I will also ask for a term that either party may bring an action to change custody without proving a material change in circumstances after a year. I know it's a risk cause he could do it too. BUT if he truly is going to use joint custody as a means to try to continue to control me and play these games- then regardless of the cost, I will try to change it.
          Having a material change clause in your agreement is a great idea. Hopefully he's going through all this just for his daughter and nothing to do with you.

          I asked him to complete at minimum 10 (min 1hr) counselling sessions with a registered psychologist or psychotherapist [I'm doing the same]. I believe he's being offered a plea deal whereby he signs a peace bond and completes the Partner Assault Response program he won't receive a record. I said during out without prejudice meeting that if he completes all this- and the visits go well- I'm okay with unsupervised access.
          The daughter/daddy visits have been going well, so has he completed 10 private counseling sessions? Was that why he was upset when you added co-counseling to help you deal with the past in order for him to prove his worth as an unsupervised co-parent.

          Comment


          • #20
            Co-Parenting Session #2

            So- we had our second coparenting session.

            It's stupid and I want out. Was how I felt afterwards.

            Let's qualify that- I now think it's stupid to do this BEFORE custody and access are settled. Because there's no incentive for my ex to act in an open and honest manner...same could be said about me of course.

            So here we are trying to work on communication- and I find out he's known that the OCL has been reading our correspondence for the last...I don't know how long actually. So what I do know is that when he wants to rip into me- he does it in person (because our sessions are closed and our co-parent counsellor wants it to remain that way) or via phone. Certainly not on OFW.

            So every positive thing that comes out of the session- I wonder "am I being played?" ...I told our counsellor that and she responded back with some BS "well each step is a little one...blah blah blah"...I actually do think she's good . I think she can help us.

            But I think we need to stop with the sessions until after disclosure. That's happening the second week of February.

            Also - the OCL said she wanted to speak with our coparent counsellor. The counsellor said no. And emailed us that response. Neither one of us has sent that to the OCL. I don't want to. It's a game of chicken- who's goign to send it first...not me.

            Stillpaying- I can't say I respect what you're saying. But I do understand it somewhat. I am not going to reply because I think I've made my position and feelings on what you've said known- and there's no real use to the back and forth.

            Comment


            • #21
              Why don't you put the counselling on hold for a few weeks until the OCL recommendation, so you have a better picture of where this is all going and so does the therapist?

              I think you and I have this in common, we both "think" there is some fairy tale ending and we will be co-parenting with our ex's in blitz, but the reality is, and its taken me 2 years to get there, it isnt going to happen.

              We need to focus on how to parent, without a co-parent. And do our best to leave the child(ren) as unscathed as possible.

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by kate331 View Post
                Why don't you put the counselling on hold for a few weeks until the OCL recommendation, so you have a better picture of where this is all going and so does the therapist?



                I think you and I have this in common, we both "think" there is some fairy tale ending and we will be co-parenting with our ex's in blitz, but the reality is, and its taken me 2 years to get there, it isnt going to happen.



                We need to focus on how to parent, without a co-parent. And do our best to leave the child(ren) as unscathed as possible.


                That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Put it on hold.

                As to co-parenting....I don’t know what the future holds...on one hand I know he wants to see our daughter more. Because of course he does...on the other hand I still have to do the parenting. Make the appointments- do the research on treatments for her- and keep him informed of course. My sister says to just let it go and try to co-parent and chances are when he actually has to parent he’ll lose interest. She’s a child psychologist and says statistically this is what will likely happen, especially if he meets someone. My gut says she’s right.


                Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                Comment


                • #23
                  If he's ripping into you in person, can you not record the incidents, bring them up in counseling and explain that you ste concerned that these behaviours are undermining the positive steps being taken at counseling...?

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Update on Co-Parent Counselling

                    Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                    If he's ripping into you in person, can you not record the incidents, bring them up in counseling and explain that you ste concerned that these behaviours are undermining the positive steps being taken at counseling...?


                    I have. And actually some of his more vehement - and frankly stupid - rants are during the session. In our last session, when we were discussing our D2’s eating, he basically yelled at me, “I want to know why she freaked out when she saw the chicken you sent with her.??!”

                    Our therapist actually said he should use a less accusatory tone.

                    I told him it’s because I beat her with chicken.

                    I know I shouldn’t have even joked about it- but it was just so insane.


                    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
                    Last edited by iona6656; 01-16-2019, 11:26 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Vishnu help me.

                      I've been sent out of our session so our coparent counselor can speak to my ex privately about his behaviour in the session.

                      Because he keeps asking me to put my phone away so I won't record the session. The therapist asked have I been doing that. I have not. I always keep my phone on because of D2- allergies.

                      I shit you not. At least once a session she sends me out so she can "speak" to my ex, so she can tell him to calm the fuck down.

                      This guy just cannot help himself. If he doesn't get his way he just reverts back to his petulant controlling narcissistic self.

                      So I’m paying $$$ to sit outside of the room. If it wasn’t costing me so much fucking money- it would be funny.


                      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Well it is a good thing she has to speak to him privately. Not that it helps.

                        He sounds like a big baby.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Would you consider asking the co-ordinator to moving to a set-off schedule where you meet her alone for half an hour, she meets with both of you for half an hour and then she meets alone with him for half an hour? Maybe that would be a more productive use of an hour of your time. I understand why she is asking you to leave - as the conversations she is having with him are probably shaming him, but then she is in effect making you co-pay for his individual therapy instead of focusing on joint problem solving.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by tilt View Post
                            Would you consider asking the co-ordinator to moving to a set-off schedule where you meet her alone for half an hour, she meets with both of you for half an hour and then she meets alone with him for half an hour? Maybe that would be a more productive use of an hour of your time. I understand why she is asking you to leave - as the conversations she is having with him are probably shaming him, but then she is in effect making you co-pay for his individual therapy instead of focusing on joint problem solving.


                            This was a two hour session as we’re trying to come to a parenting plan with her help. If I was really trying to work on our relationship and I had to pay attention to his nonsense- and try to work with him...then maybe. As is- like rocksan said, he’s a baby. A dangerous one for sure. But it doesn’t phase me as it once did. His blustering and attempt at intimidation doesn’t work so well now. He kept asking me to put away my phone because we were talking about his cannabis use. I said no. But I came back after about 10 minutes and he apologized. I put it in our agreement that neither of us can use cannabis with D2 and 12 hours before taking care of her. Which basically means never for me...but I’m fine with that. I don’t use it anyways.

                            He kept pressing me as to why I need sole custody and why can’t it be joint + final say. I told him, and our coparent therapist agreed, that the dynamic between us is not great and joint would be difficult. I said if he wants conditions on certain things- e.g. no school over 1k a year without his consent- put it in his offer. I’ll give on some stuff. But I’m not going to 50/50 by attrition.


                            Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              I dunno, since this is closed counselling your ex can lie to the judge about what is going on in the session and say you being willing to participate in the sessions is proof you are able to co-parent. Since joint therapy is counter-indicated for abusive dynamics, you meeting with him for two hours undermines your statement he is abusive. Basically this whole course of action is undermining your sole custody argument and can be spun before an unknowing judge. The meetings don’t sound productive, I would cancel them in writing with the explanation that as they abusive behaviour continues in the sessions you will only resume them when he are reassured by his behaviour that he has insight into his own behaviour. Continue with your own therapy and hopefully he will continue with his therapy.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by tilt View Post
                                I dunno, since this is closed counselling your ex can lie to the judge about what is going on in the session and say you being willing to participate in the sessions is proof you are able to co-parent. Since joint therapy is counter-indicated for abusive dynamics, you meeting with him for two hours undermines your statement he is abusive. Basically this whole course of action is undermining your sole custody argument and can be spun before an unknowing judge. The meetings don’t sound productive, I would cancel them in writing with the explanation that as they abusive behaviour continues in the sessions you will only resume them when he are reassured by his behaviour that he has insight into his own behaviour. Continue with your own therapy and hopefully he will continue with his therapy.
                                nothing is ever really closed. They're my health records to disclose. I could subpoena them if I needed to. I usually disclose what is happening in the sessions to my lawyer as well- if there is something troubling revealed. For example- my ex's answers a couple of weeks ago about the McDonald's incident (the lying etc)- and all the times I have to get sent out so our therapist can talk to him.

                                Despite his idiocy- the sessions have actually been productive. We've gotten to a general outline of parenting time- and what needs to happen to get there- a phased approach. There is going to be some debate on the timeline of the phasing....but the general outline of time is there.

                                Comment

                                Our Divorce Forums
                                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                                Working...
                                X