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  • Interference of parenting time is abusive and not in children's best interests

    Parents who interfere with access are failing to act in the best interests of their own child and are in fact failing in their duties as parents.

    My weekly parenting time was to start today however my ex kept our 9 yr. old son at her place claiming he did not have a good night as he was distraught about staying with his dad for the week. She lives 30 mins. away and the exchange place is at the school = end of day Monday. I asked her where and when I could get our son, and she claimed that he did not want to stay with me.

    I informed her she has a moral and legal responsibility to provide our son to me for my parenting time, and she stood firm that it is our son's wish. The job of a parent is to parent. I am very upset and did inquire with the police. They will respond if there is a court order or detailed separation agreement.

    We completed mediation last year, however, no signed SA was secured as my ex refused to sign the final version. I have utilized a lawyer for a while with alot of paperwork flowing back and forth, a self-rep urgent notice of motion and a case conference. No outputs, and a sizable legal bill. Disenchanted preparing a defense labelled as a bad guy (married 13 yrs.)

    My ex stated tonight: if our son feels better tomorrow, she will take him to school, however she plans on picking him up after school because he does not want to go to my house. If he changes his mind at any point, she will advise me (evident control issue).

    I am our son's father, and our son has a right to enjoy a relationship with his father based on the agreed upon status quo EOW. (documented in legal submissions as part of the Continuing Record and uncontested by her lawyer) she continues to manipulate our son, which is clearly wrong. Preventing him from having a relationship with me on my parenting time is also wrong.

    I have provided the school with a summary page outlining the EOW schedule which shows Nov. 26 as dad's week. I do not intend on them enforcing it. Should there be a showdown, I am prepared to alert the principal to the situation, and mention I will be there to pick up my son as it is my parenting week.

    Suggestions on how to to deal with the inappropriate behaviour of the High Conflict OP?

  • #2
    I don't know the legal process of SA in relation to child custody/access but it seems to me that the SA is the most important document you can get at this point. Hopefully you can get your lawyer on "fast forward" mode and get this resolved before Christmas. Do SA agreements have police enforcement clauses in them when it comes to child custody and access or would that ramp things up to a higher level of conflict?

    I can see that you are very frustrated, and I don't blame you, but I think it is so very important to cover the bases when doing anything in family court.

    Hope you can get this resolved soon. How old is your child?

    Comment


    • #3
      Look into getting a motion for a temporary parenting schedule. Be cautious as this may be the other parties intent to force your hand in this.

      Justices do not like to alter the status quo. If memory serves me you have over a year of it.

      Motions can be costly.

      I am sure others could help you here with what else you can do. You need to be firm like you did on a few other conflict occasions you have had with her.

      Just remember to not question your son a lot about what's happening this week. He will most likely feel very torn. Try vey hard not to make a scene in front of him. The other party is pressing your buttons. Don't rise to the occasion in a way that will negatively affect the kids or yourself.

      Do call your lawyer in the morning.

      Just be certain that you are not seeing conflict for the sake of it. Sometimes we can tend to be hyper vigilant when a simple explanation or solution can be possible.

      Comment


      • #4
        The catch 22 factor is the police will not respond unless there is a court order or detailed SA to reference. My ex refused to sign the final SA (which detailed the EOW status quo).

        I have suggested round two mediation, and my ex flatly refused to discuss further with mediator, so I suppose I'm stuck considering/requesting motion for status quo 50/50 EOW parenting. What a waste of energy and $ asking court for motion to enforce status quo.

        Son is 9, daughter is 11. I hear you on the covering bases. Ex is clearly brainwashing our son over past 10 weeks, and I am taking high road wherever I can so my behaviour will be acknowledged in court, her's will be acknowledged as self-help and self-serving, and I will ideally command respect from my kids for being a role model. Mom will likely lose respect for being deceptive with our son. I am hopeful that with maturity, our kids will see through the crap. Really hope I don't lose connection with my son in the meantime...

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by OhMy View Post
          Look into getting a motion for a temporary parenting schedule. Be cautious as this may be the other parties intent to force your hand in this.

          Justices do not like to alter the status quo. If memory serves me you have over a year of it.

          Motions can be costly.

          I am sure others could help you here with what else you can do. You need to be firm like you did on a few other conflict occasions you have had with her.

          Just remember to not question your son a lot about what's happening this week. He will most likely feel very torn. Try vey hard not to make a scene in front of him. The other party is pressing your buttons. Don't rise to the occasion in a way that will negatively affect the kids or yourself.

          Do call your lawyer in the morning.

          Just be certain that you are not seeing conflict for the sake of it. Sometimes we can tend to be hyper vigilant when a simple explanation or solution can be possible.
          My lawyer is aware of the shananigan behaviour of my ex an just happened to be informed today that she may pull such an overstay stint today. (was discussing my bill).

          So, I agree that I have to use tact and determine options and recommendation lawyer has - temp motion to enforce status quo (14 mths. shared parenting) seems a lose lose situation. At same time, I have nothing tangible to act on/call police on as ex will continue pushing buttons...because she can (we never signed a SA, so there is no agreement...)

          Believe me when I say, I am more than fair with her. This is at least situation #4 where she is taking her own initiative. (she told me today...I can take our kids out of school on your parenting week, because I'm the mother) This is the character I am dealing with.

          I realize this is a marathon, and fortunately, I have trained long and hard.
          Love your kids more than you hate your ex. Mantra to live by. I want to live a long and enjoyable life with many laughs and memories with my family and kids.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by bthom View Post
            The catch 22 factor is the police will not respond unless there is a court order or detailed SA to reference. My ex refused to sign the final SA (which detailed the EOW status quo).
            The police will rarely respond even if you have a court order. They don't like to get involved in this and they will rarely seize a child from their parent even if there is a custody issue, as long the child is safe and the parent is not about to flee the country. What a separation agreement will do is allow you to take her to court for contempt.

            I have suggested round two mediation, and my ex flatly refused to discuss further with mediator, so I suppose I'm stuck considering/requesting motion for status quo 50/50 EOW parenting. What a waste of energy and $ asking court for motion to enforce status quo.
            Waste of money? Is the mediator working for you free of charge? Returning to mediation is to repeat a process you have already been through. What is there to mediate? If you are not going to compromise and reduce your parenting time, there is nothing that is going to be gained by further negotiation.

            Son is 9, daughter is 11. I hear you on the covering bases. Ex is clearly brainwashing our son over past 10 weeks, and I am taking high road wherever I can so my behaviour will be acknowledged in court, her's will be acknowledged as self-help and self-serving, and I will ideally command respect from my kids for being a role model. Mom will likely lose respect for being deceptive with our son. I am hopeful that with maturity, our kids will see through the crap. Really hope I don't lose connection with my son in the meantime...
            It's fine to take the high road, but don't become a doormat, doing nothing, not responding to her behaviour, and not working with your children to restore your relationship.

            You should have read this many times on this forum, and this has been quoted from a judge's decision, that if a child didn't want to go to school a parent would still send them. If a child of 9 doesn't want to go to their other parent's house, they should still be sent. By allowing this you are complicit. You could pick up your son at school tomorrow, or take other immediate steps. You are allowing your ex to exert control.

            Comment


            • #7
              If you pick your kid up tomorrow, against her wishes and she calls the police, what do you suppose is going to happen?

              1. Highly stressful situation for your kids to be in and you further alienate yourself with no help from your ex. You can bet the police will make a report to child protective services then you are in the defensive mode once again. You then have to go through the whole interrogation ordeal and are thrown into a he-said, she-said situation. You will say she didn't sign the SA and she will say the same thing.

              2. School will think the two of you are nothing short of nut cases.

              In my opinion you should get your lawyer off his butt and make it HIS problem. This is what you are paying him for. It sounds as though children are at age where they are easily embarrassed. This isn't life-and-death situation and I'd suggest you continue on your path of keeping your cool. By waiting to have a court approved agreement in place you certainly won't be doing anything wrong. Just make sure you document everything.

              Comment


              • #8
                I would have to agree with Arabian on this. If you can try and sort this out through your lawyer that would be the best way. Dragging the school into the middle of this and potentially exposing the children to conflict may not be the best course to take. I am assuming the school has a copy of the separation agreement?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Nadia View Post
                  I would have to agree with Arabian on this. If you can try and sort this out through your lawyer that would be the best way. Dragging the school into the middle of this and potentially exposing the children to conflict may not be the best course to take. I am assuming the school has a copy of the separation agreement?
                  that wont do him any good as he stated the ex refused to sign the SA.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I highly recommend the OP read this thread and the attached case law:

                    http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...-mossip-13753/

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I think I typed out this letter about 100 times on here, but you send your ex the following email and follow it up with a copy sent via registered letter.

                      Dear Satan's Life Coach,

                      I disagree with your unilateral decision to alter the parenting time schedule. It is in the child's best interests to maintain frequent and meaninful contact with each parent, and as parents, it is our obligation to facilitate that relationship.

                      Unless the child was severely ill and requires medical services, I believe I am capable of parenting the child and ensuring their health and emotional needs are met. I don't agree that due to the child being distraught that I should be denied parenting time with our child. Further, [child] is not of an age where they are capable of making such decisions on their own, and as such must abide by the parenting schedule.

                      As such I respectfully request makeup time at the earliest opportunity to recoup the parenting time denied by you. Failure to either a) provide the child for my parenting time and b) to provide makeup time for the lost parenting time, will cause me to seek the appropriate remedy in court.

                      Our child has always gone between homes and has never appeared uneasy in my care. I respectfully request you continue with the status quo parenting arrangement and ensure that the child is ready for my parenting time tonight.

                      Should you have any concerns, I would be happy to entertain them. But I don't agree that either your nor the child have the authority to unilaterally alter the existing parenting time arrangement.

                      Best regards,

                      SuperDad

                      But send the email first, follow it up with a registered letter. Request mediation. Should she continue to deny your parenting time, file a motion in court requesting specified parenting time that followed the previous status quo.

                      It sucks that you don't have an agreement already. Part of me says go to school and pick up the child. But if she causes a scene, stay calm/reserved/stoic. Don't engage, just say that you are here to pickup your child for your parenting time and that you don't agree that she has the authority to unilaterally alter the parenting time arrangement.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Some access orders are police enforced. Very few. Unless an access order includes the words "police enforced" - do not call the police.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          (Just so I am clear, I did send her to visitation and I did support his position with my kids.)

                          Originally posted by Mess View Post
                          You should have read this many times on this forum, and this has been quoted from a judge's decision, that if a child didn't want to go to school a parent would still send them. If a child of 9 doesn't want to go to their other parent's house, they should still be sent.
                          I fully understand the principle of the school example but think it is a simplistic view. I have trouble with the results of it. My D11 sometimes wanted to refuse visitation, particularly during a troubling time with her Dad. I spoke with her about relationships, the responsibilities of us all, etc. She is in counselling with a therapist who deals only with divorce and separation and kids. The counsellor spoke with my daughter. D11 also spoke at length with her Dad.

                          If I send my child to school despite obvious emotional issues at that school, my daughter could begin to hate school and hate the process of going.

                          The same could be said about visitation. A child could begin to hate visitation and feel angry at the parent with access. My point is that I can send her but it doesn't ensure that visitation is positive and will make her want to go back.

                          If there was an impactful, emotional difficulty at school, you would try to resolve that issue before sending your child back into it.

                          But by sending my child into visitation that she absolutely did not want to go to, she was more mad at her Dad for leaving, for disrupting her life, for wanting to see her more than he wanted to respect her wishes, etc..... It certainly set back the process.

                          The counsellor says that it is very normal for the child to cling to the parent that they live with while they try to begin to re-establish trust in the other parent. I know that this needs time to happen.

                          I think a better way to put it would be how the counsellor explained it to me....

                          That, unless there is harm to the child, the only way a child and Dad can ever repair their relationship is to visit together to work it out. They certainly cannot fix anything if they never see each other.

                          Ultimately it is hard to see your child upset and hear them say they don't want to go and have to send them anyway. I imagine it is even more difficult to have your child say they don't want to visit with you. I know if I only had access and my child said that to me, I would be absolutely heartbroken.

                          It is difficult for everyone.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by SadAndTired View Post
                            (Just so I am clear, I did send her to visitation and I did support his position with my kids.)



                            I fully understand the principle of the school example but think it is a simplistic view. I have trouble with the results of it. My D11 sometimes wanted to refuse visitation, particularly during a troubling time with her Dad. I spoke with her about relationships, the responsibilities of us all, etc. She is in counselling with a therapist who deals only with divorce and separation and kids. The counsellor spoke with my daughter. D11 also spoke at length with her Dad.
                            What would you do if you were still married, and your child did not want to spend time with either of you? Send them off to an orphanage?

                            It is ridiculous to hold a position that a child does not have be with a parent just because they "don't want to" or "have issues." We have all had issues with our parents, and we have all had to live with them. In some cases we go to therapists as adults or talk to counsellors as teens, but we live with it.

                            If the other parent has legal access, if there is no abuse involved, if there is no clinical diagnosis that recommends against contact, then the child belongs with that parent at the appointed time.

                            Again, if this is an extreme case of abuse or neglect, that is a different story, but in such a case a professionally trained, objective, third party should be making that call. It's not up to one parent to ever decide a child should not be with the other.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                              I highly recommend the OP read this thread and the attached case law:

                              http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...-mossip-13753/

                              Read this thread, and your two posts yesterday, along with this case: great find and thanks for sharing! This Justice really spoke in a language that parents can relate and understand. The true victims of their feuding is indeed their children. I recognize that continuous feuding only hurts the children as many have stated: There are no winners, only losers in Family Law.

                              Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst. I will certainly forward the link. Knowing my ex for 16 yrs. (married 13, cohabitating 2 yrs.), her constitution is wired for win/lose mentality. She has deeper pockets and her actions have continually proven she has no issue drawing our son into an adult disagreement, and furthermore she encourages an adversarial environment and spending more on court costs is seemingly not an issue (although we all know that this money should go to our kids...)

                              I am not a door mat, and am detailing the event and asking my lawyer to write another letter to her lawyer asking her not to frustrate my parenting time with our children. I will show up at our kids' school in a concerted effort to have my kids jump in the car and drive them home. (Principal will be contacted and prior parenting time letter on file at school will be referenced/copy in hand).

                              I realize schools, nor necessarily police do not want to enforce SA or court orders. I am attempting to be strategic and use diplomacy to smooth over unnecessary schoolyard drama. It's a marathon, and I strive to do what's reasonable and best for my kids, and confirm and respect boundaries ex and I have set (by status quo).

                              Our Family Wizard update - my lawyer advanced my request twice (written)for communication to be through OFW. This has not been acknowledged/actioned by OP. Lately, my High Conflict parent has accused me of harrassment via email. It is acceptable for her to text email, call me, and show up at my door multiple times in one week - all to advance her agenda. (I now do not answer the door when it's her, and unless urgent, do not take her calls or text/email quickly). I have clarified, it it's not about the children, it can wait. So, with her refusal to setup a gmail or hotmail account linked to her Smartphone for communication, great rationale to use OFW (accountability for her nonsense)

                              Comment

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