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  • I might have to go to court - last straw?

    Hi everyone,

    I'm thinking I may need to go to court. Here's the situation:

    As most of the regulars know, I have shared parenting (50/50) of one child with ex. Ex has major addiction and mental illness problems, and is kind of a jerk in general. His issues have gotten much worse over the last year and a half (in and out of psych wards, rehab and couch-surfing), so that Kid has ended up living almost 100% with me.

    Last week ex showed up drunk at Kid's school and tried to pick her up (he and I had agreed he would pick her up that day). Staff and other parents physically intervened to prevent him from driving away with her. They asked him to leave the premises, he refused and became argumentative, police were called. They removed him from the premises but did not charge him. I came and took Kid home. (Ex has now been banned from the premises).

    I'm thinking that this may be the end of the road for shared parenting. I'm going to attempt mediation with ex because our order says we have to, but my goal is to have Kid legally residing primarily with me (and no, this is not all about child support. I've been paying ex offset for the past year while Kid was living with me). I am willing to facilitate lots of access for ex. If we can't come to an agreement in mediation, I am thinking that I will have to go to court to make an application to vary the order.

    Questions:

    Is this indeed a last straw? Ex will argue that I am being unfair and he should get another chance - after all, the police have only been called once, he'll make sure it doesn't happen again, etc etc.

    Does anyone have any experience in parenting agreements with addicts? For example, I would like something in writing saying that he will not drive with her in the car - if he was caught last week trying to drive drunk with her, how many times was he not caught? Is this possible or reasonable?

    I don't want to close the door completely on shared parenting if he somehow manages to get his act together. Any ideas for how to word a clause saying "if you're able to demonstrate that you're a competent adult, we can revisit parenting"? How would I be able to determine whether his act is together?

    Tips or thoughts very welcome.

  • #2
    I hate to say this but what about CAS involvement? Or possibly supervised access? At least for six months? Showing up at school drunk is one thing, trying to drive drunk with your child is another.

    I for one will never judge you taking some action to protect your child and yes its her father but he hasnt shown he has his shit together even after all the treatment. Addicts do lead positive, healthy lives with ongoing treatment. He has been able to co parent in the past. He needs to get control of his issues for the sake of his child and you are not wrong to want that.

    Comment


    • #3
      The police reported the incident to the Child At Risk unit (which liaises with CAS). I also called CAS and reported the incident to the caseworker who got involved when police were called to ex's residence last summer in a domestic dispute. So it's on CAS' radar.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by stripes View Post
        Is this indeed a last straw? Ex will argue that I am being unfair and he should get another chance - after all, the police have only been called once, he'll make sure it doesn't happen again, etc etc.

        Does anyone have any experience in parenting agreements with addicts? For example, I would like something in writing saying that he will not drive with her in the car - if he was caught last week trying to drive drunk with her, how many times was he not caught? Is this possible or reasonable?

        I don't want to close the door completely on shared parenting if he somehow manages to get his act together. Any ideas for how to word a clause saying "if you're able to demonstrate that you're a competent adult, we can revisit parenting"? How would I be able to determine whether his act is together?

        Tips or thoughts very welcome.
        Has he admitted to being drunk that day? Did the police allow him to drive him or ask him to blow in a Breathalyzer ?

        What evidence do you have to prove he is an addict ? Is this documented or just he said she said ?

        By the wording of your order, you MUST do mediation first. Likely he will have to do counselling or something if he admits to being drunk and there to drive the kids drunk - or perhaps supervised access.

        Comment


        • #5
          Get the police file #.

          You do whatever you have to do to protect your child (mentally and physically).

          I'd get an Order and then contemplate all the mushy/I'm a new man/addictive lying that he will surely throw your way.

          Under the circumstances I would not think that you would have to go through mediation. Make sure the Order has stipulations of alcohol/drug testing (which he has to pay for).

          Just do it (good luck to you)

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by trinton View Post
            Has he admitted to being drunk that day? Did the police allow him to drive him or ask him to blow in a Breathalyzer ?

            What evidence do you have to prove he is an addict ? Is this documented or just he said she said ?

            By the wording of your order, you MUST do mediation first. Likely he will have to do counselling or something if he admits to being drunk and there to drive the kids drunk - or perhaps supervised access.
            He's admitted he was drunk that day - upset about impending divorce from wife #2, drove to the liquor store, drank a whole pile of booze, then decided it would be fine to pick up Kid for the evening. He's also an addict - three rehab stints plus by his own acknowledgment.

            Comment


            • #7
              Assuming everythiing you are saying is accurate true and there are no extenuating circumstances. Go for full custody. You can add clauses:
              -if ex seems rehab
              -if gets table lodging
              -keeps it stable for 6 months then You will reconsider and if he disagrees the can file a motion in court.

              Comment


              • #8
                Stripes, I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you and your child. Your child needs you to be the major stable influence in her life(which you have been). You absolutely should formalize you being primary parent. I think you have been more than generous to dad under the circumstances, and I know you will continue to facilitate their relationship as best as you can.

                Good luck.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by stripes View Post
                  Is this indeed a last straw?
                  For the time being and until the parent in question can get appropriate addiction treatment. You really have no other option. Sorry to say.

                  You now have the school as a witness to the conduct. Surprised they didn't call CAS regarding the incident. I was under the impression that the police are obligated to contact the CAS for any domestic incident that involves a child.

                  Originally posted by Dad1985 View Post
                  Ex will argue that I am being unfair and he should get another chance - after all, the police have only been called once, he'll make sure it doesn't happen again, etc etc.
                  You have to frame it in the larger picture. Here we have a parent who has been admitted to various addiction treatment programs. Now showing up to a school to pickup a child intoxicated. It is not this single occurrence that you will be arguing. It is simply the straw that broke the camels back.

                  It is not the single occurrence but, all things that lead up to this point.

                  Originally posted by Dad1985 View Post
                  Does anyone have any experience in parenting agreements with addicts?
                  Generally, they involve requirements for treatment of the addiction. I wouldn't recommend you get into trying to "manage" the addiction. It should be very limited access at a specific location where you do the transport until such time the other parent completes addiction therapy.

                  Good Luck!
                  Tayken

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    The school allowed him to drive home drunk? Both the school and police? Wouldn't that be an automatic DUI and trip to the station? They're very big on driving drunk.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I had the same question. According to the police (whom I spoke to the day after the incident), it would be difficult to make a drunk-driving charge stick because when they got there, he wasn't actually driving. Apparently it's not against the law to sit in the driver's seat of a non-moving car while plastered. The police would have had to rely on hearsay from the parents and staff which, while pretty convincing, could get thrown out if ex decided to be a jerk and contest it. The cop told me their rule of thumb is that if the ignition isn't turned on, the "driver" isn't driving.

                      Same thing with child endangerment - by the time the police got there, Kid was not in danger (thanks to quick action of staff and parents). She was in the playground with a staff member. So once again, it would have been hearsay.

                      The other possible charge would be "causing a child to be in need of protective services". This one could have stuck. But the cop said they didn't pursue it because it's essentially a slap on the wrist ($200 fine). The cop also said he didn't want Kid to see her father taken away in handcuffs, which I can agree with. Dad in the police car was bad enough.

                      I'm sure there was an element of not wanting to do all the paperwork/having more urgent cases to attend to as well.

                      The cop did tell me that he noted in ex's file that ex could have been charged with three offenses but the police used their discretion and did not charge. He said that with that note in the file, if ex is picked up again, he will definitely be arrested. Apparently he's literally used his get-out-of-jail-free card.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        you know what... it really doesn't matter. Who cares about your ex. Priority is you and your daughter.

                        You get this shit straightened out. You present whatever documents are necessary to ensure you have total and absolute control over your daughter's access to her father. (If he's not 100% dickhead then he will agree.)

                        You need to impress upon the judge that someone, somewhere, somehow (you) needs to be able to gauge the situation, on the fly, to ascertain if your daughter should be in contact with your ex. That's the nubs man. Judge's aren't retards and know the cycle of addiction....they get it. At the same time, you need to realize (judge will know this) that ex needs "consequence" for his actions.

                        If the father is unfit then he should not have access until he poses no risk to daughter.

                        Does your ex have a sponsor that you can contact?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          BTW - police are incorrect in this situation (which is not an unusual occurrence). I would have a chat to the duty manager/staff sergeant about this.

                          This is actually, quite outrageous IMO.

                          I would talk to your lawyer/contact your local school board. Tell them that in light of the situation you must insist that the school board pay for taxi for your daughter for the remainder of the year. Their policy does not ensure safety of your daughter....

                          Don't scoff at this. My son was exposed to an allergic situation when he was in school and the school board paid for taxi for the remainder of the school year. (10 months)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by arabian View Post
                            BTW - police are incorrect in this situation (which is not an unusual occurrence). I would have a chat to the duty manager/staff sergeant about this.

                            This is actually, quite outrageous IMO.

                            I would talk to your lawyer/contact your local school board. Tell them that in light of the situation you must insist that the school board pay for taxi for your daughter for the remainder of the year. Their policy does not ensure safety of your daughter....

                            Don't scoff at this. My son was exposed to an allergic situation when he was in school and the school board paid for taxi for the remainder of the school year. (10 months)
                            Lmao school isn't going to pay for taxi for rest of year. good luck with that one.

                            Father obviously had intentions to drive if he was picking up kids from school. was he intoxicated to the point of being legally imapired to drive? absolutely not - no hard evidence to prove his intoxication level.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by arabian View Post
                              BTW - police are incorrect in this situation (which is not an unusual occurrence). I would have a chat to the duty manager/staff sergeant about this.

                              This is actually, quite outrageous IMO.

                              I would talk to your lawyer/contact your local school board. Tell them that in light of the situation you must insist that the school board pay for taxi for your daughter for the remainder of the year. Their policy does not ensure safety of your daughter....

                              Don't scoff at this. My son was exposed to an allergic situation when he was in school and the school board paid for taxi for the remainder of the school year. (10 months)
                              The after-school centre is in the school, and ex has already been banned (police have given him notice that if he comes on the property, he is trespassing and police will be called). Right now, I'm the only person that Kid can be released to (and my emergency contact).

                              I thought of complaining about the no-charges, but I need the goodwill of the responding officer - he's been very helpful in terms of figuring out what my options are.

                              Comment

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