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  • #46
    Originally posted by momof2teenboys View Post
    I think an appropriate response would be -

    "Yes I agree with your request regarding xxx. For anything additional please provide costs, expected deadlines, accommodations, programs of study etc as soon as possible. "


    I'd also be tempted to add something about the texts and emails to the child regarding these decisions being ignored. If the child wants him to contribute they should be sending him updates at the very least.
    +1.

    ugh. this is all so messy. with requiring costs to be paid absent a relationship with kid(s), etc. I almost feel like if the relationship ceases- all cs should stop too. but i'm saying that from a position where i could still provide absent CS.

    I've been banking 80% of CS in a fund for D2, with the intention of using it for post secondary when the time comes...it never even entered into my mind that there would be a fight for this.

    Comment


    • #47
      This thing is stupid and ugly and not because of my partner. He has always paid what he owes, always tried to contribute, always given more than is required and always followed the law. His ex disagrees with everything and has since they split. This entire mess is directly her fault because she refused to accept he was entitled to a share of their 20 years together. Then she taught the kids to hate him because of money.

      She has all these spreadsheets of costs but no proof. Every year of the last degree my partner has tried to work with her and with kid on expenses and was ignored. Now the second one is headed to school and he gets no info. Added to that, both attended school away from home when they could have gone to school in their city. They live in travel distance to six different post secondary schools! But they choose to incur and additional ten grand a year to go away. Plus the programs they take are general. They aren’t even in a unique program!! He calculates his cost in line with the law (he has a great lawyer and follows exactly what he says—lawyer said he wishes all his clients and their ex’s were as reasonable) but she disagrees with that too! Says the tax deductions shouldn’t be applied and kid should only have to contribute a couple thousand. Now they are spending thousands on the court process all because the ex plays these games.

      It has taken its toll. He keeps saying “she lost in the fall, why do the kids not see that?” I had to explain to him that they see the loss as further victimization. Even though he was right, she plays it as “the judge hates women, he was from the same school as dads lawyer, he didn’t understand, the law is wrong etc”.

      Its all so stupid.

      Comment


      • #48
        Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
        I've been banking 80% of CS in a fund for D2, with the intention of using it for post secondary when the time comes...it never even entered into my mind that there would be a fight for this.

        1. Open a RESP, thats $7000 in grants.
        2. Work with kid to choose a program of study with employment opportunities. Spending 60 grand to be unemployed is worthless.
        3. Make sure kid knows they have to contribute.

        My niece chose to go away. Her parents said if she chose to go away, they would pay her living costs and thats it. She pays the rest. My friends parents paid their tuition and books but they had to stay home. My partner and I paid all our own school costs. I survived $50,000 in loans. Paid them off finally in my 30’s. Its called life. Parents shouldn’t go broke for their own education AND their kids.

        Comment


        • #49
          Originally posted by rockscan View Post
          This thing is stupid and ugly and not because of my partner. He has always paid what he owes, always tried to contribute, always given more than is required and always followed the law. His ex disagrees with everything and has since they split. This entire mess is directly her fault because she refused to accept he was entitled to a share of their 20 years together. Then she taught the kids to hate him because of money.

          She has all these spreadsheets of costs but no proof. Every year of the last degree my partner has tried to work with her and with kid on expenses and was ignored. Now the second one is headed to school and he gets no info. Added to that, both attended school away from home when they could have gone to school in their city. They live in travel distance to six different post secondary schools! But they choose to incur and additional ten grand a year to go away. Plus the programs they take are general. They aren’t even in a unique program!! He calculates his cost in line with the law (he has a great lawyer and follows exactly what he says—lawyer said he wishes all his clients and their ex’s were as reasonable) but she disagrees with that too! Says the tax deductions shouldn’t be applied and kid should only have to contribute a couple thousand. Now they are spending thousands on the court process all because the ex plays these games.

          It has taken its toll. He keeps saying “she lost in the fall, why do the kids not see that?” I had to explain to him that they see the loss as further victimization. Even though he was right, she plays it as “the judge hates women, he was from the same school as dads lawyer, he didn’t understand, the law is wrong etc”.

          Its all so stupid.
          that is brutal. he can't even let go- because there are big giant fish hooks in him dragging him back.

          the thing that is so brutal about the family law system is that usually one party is just in it for the ride- no matter how reasonable, no matter how much compromise one is willing to give- all it takes is for the other side to say "nope"- and off you go.

          hats effing off to the self reps out there.

          Comment


          • #50
            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
            that is brutal. he can't even let go- because there are big giant fish hooks in him dragging him back.



            the thing that is so brutal about the family law system is that usually one party is just in it for the ride- no matter how reasonable, no matter how much compromise one is willing to give- all it takes is for the other side to say "nope"- and off you go.



            hats effing off to the self reps out there.


            Lol his ex was self repped and got smacked by the judge.

            He sees a therapist to help with this. Some days are harder than others.

            Comment


            • #51
              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
              1. Open a RESP, thats $7000 in grants.
              2. Work with kid to choose a program of study with employment opportunities. Spending 60 grand to be unemployed is worthless.
              3. Make sure kid knows they have to contribute.
              I've banked it in a savings account for now. I'm not savvy on how RESPs work in divorced situations- but I'll try to remedy that soon.

              D2 is so young- but speaking with my nephew who's 11- my sister and her husband do an awesome job explaining that the trades and college are such a good choice. My sister is a registered psychologist and her husband has a college degree but they both just tell him that they expect him to work up to his potential at this point.

              My niece chose to go away. Her parents said if she chose to go away, they would pay her living costs and thats it. She pays the rest. My friends parents paid their tuition and books but they had to stay home. My partner and I paid all our own school costs. I survived $50,000 in loans. Paid them off finally in my 30’s. Its called life. Parents shouldn’t go broke for their own education AND their kids.
              Agreed that parents shouldn't go broke for kids education but at the same time- I come from a bit of a different school of thought, wherein if the kid works hard and earns the grades to go to post-secondary, I want to be able to pay for it fully. Their job as children is to work hard to live up to their potential- academic or otherwise. My job is to work my butt off to offer them post secondary, or whatever other help they need (e.g. helping with costs for internships through a trades program or the like) to set them up for their careers.

              My parents funded 100% of our undergrad. We were expected to work and pay our car costs and have our own spending money. But our parents did not want us working during the school year. We both did anyways- and were able to handle it fine.

              My parents gave my sister and I the option for undergrad- you go away and they'll pay the extra cost, or you stay local and they would buy us a car. My sister stayed local- I chose to go away. None of this taught us to take education for granted. And we both worked our butts off in school- and in life to set ourselves up. It's just a friggin shame that I made such bad personal life choices to sort of destroy what I've helped build.

              University was expected for us- I don't think I was even given any other option. I asked my mom about this the other day- because our family is definitely not elitist about schooling (we're all 1st generation or 2nd generation immigrants)- while 80% have university degrees, a bunch of others have college and/or trades. I asked her why she just expected my sister and I to go to university- and she said it was because she said she knew we could....okay?

              Times have changed though.
              Last edited by iona6656; 04-17-2019, 11:49 AM.

              Comment


              • #52
                Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                That’s the thing. Her only request was one he agrees to every year with no issue...

                They have a sc coming up so either she is doing this as a check mark for that “I share info” or she’s just being petty to show he has no power over info.

                Seems like a checkmark situation. I would do exactly the same thing if I had a SC coming up. I'm surprised she isn't being even more cooperative. To be honest, even without a court case coming up, both myself and my ex still regularly send cooperative messages to each other that we know are effectively rhetorical, but make us look good.


                "Dear ex, I was thinking we should feed the kids today, do you agree?"




                Totally offtopic: I struggled with whether to put "an" or "a" before SC. Depends on whether I pronounce it "settlement conference" or "ess cee". It was the most stress-inducing part of my day up to this point.

                Comment


                • #53
                  Having had to go back to school (twice—I have three degrees) to get a good job, I know how important it is to know what you want to do and what jobs are in demand. Ive learned the trades is a great field to work in. Robotics for the win! If I had known that, I probably wouldn’t have done what I did but...hindsight!

                  If I had had kids, I would have contributed but not paid all of it. I firmly believe kids need to learn life lessons. So many parents don’t do their kids any favours by not teaching them about money, savings and good spending.

                  As for the RESP when divorced, your money is your money. Anything you open now is yours. Get the grant before your ex does. That money will go a long way. This was discussed at the motion in the fall. Anything from the marriage is shared if not bought out or dealt with. Anything after the date of separation is for your share. My partners ex was mostly mad that she didn’t get to know how much money we (yes I said we) had that she could claim should be used for education. Her attitude has always been “you have x dollars and have access to y dollars, therefore it should all go to the kids”. Im not responsible for his kids poor spending habits.

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    First some good news. I’m cancer free and can get on with my life. Also, we are getting married in a few weeks and are pretty happy. He’s worried he won’t be a good husband but I assure him neither one of us have good days all the time, its how we manage the bad days that get us through.

                    Now the stupid news. The sc is now adjourned as ex got a lawyer and they need some time to review the case. Which means we are in our third year of this when it should have been resolved in a month outside of court. We are cautiously optimistic that a lawyer will actually get through to her that her requests are not legal. Time will tell though. A new offer went out.

                    For now we are going to enjoy our small wedding, the new chapter of our life, a week away somewhere and the knowledge that it may be almost over.

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                      For now we are going to enjoy our small wedding, the new chapter of our life, a week away somewhere and the knowledge that it may be almost over.
                      YAY! congratulations. This is all amazing news. Thank you for sharing with us.

                      Where are you guys headed for your week away??

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Just to the southern US where we first vacationed together. We want to do an all inclusive in December so I am trying to determine which island. Jamaica or Dominican or Cuba. Anyone with tips or suggestions on those are welcome to comment!

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          Have you considered Grenada? We have some family friends from there and it's just such a beautiful small island.

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            I did look at it but the problem with those types of places is the flight is super expensive and not many have all inclusive. We’ve done two vacations now where we had accommodations but had to find out own meals. We want to go back to an all inclusive where we can just eat sleep and drink lol

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                              First some good news. I’m cancer free and can get on with my life. Also, we are getting married in a few weeks and are pretty happy. He’s worried he won’t be a good husband but I assure him neither one of us have good days all the time, its how we manage the bad days that get us through.

                              Now the stupid news. The sc is now adjourned as ex got a lawyer and they need some time to review the case. Which means we are in our third year of this when it should have been resolved in a month outside of court. We are cautiously optimistic that a lawyer will actually get through to her that her requests are not legal. Time will tell though. A new offer went out.

                              For now we are going to enjoy our small wedding, the new chapter of our life, a week away somewhere and the knowledge that it may be almost over.


                              Awesome news!! Congratulations !! Hoping the lawyer sets the ex straight!!


                              Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                                First some good news. I’m cancer free and can get on with my life. Also, we are getting married in a few weeks and are pretty happy. He’s worried he won’t be a good husband but I assure him neither one of us have good days all the time, its how we manage the bad days that get us through.

                                Now the stupid news. The sc is now adjourned as ex got a lawyer and they need some time to review the case. Which means we are in our third year of this when it should have been resolved in a month outside of court. We are cautiously optimistic that a lawyer will actually get through to her that her requests are not legal. Time will tell though. A new offer went out.

                                For now we are going to enjoy our small wedding, the new chapter of our life, a week away somewhere and the knowledge that it may be almost over.


                                Awesome news Rockscan! So happy to hear about all the positives for you. Keep your head up - hopefully the legal stuff will be sorted out soon so you can put it behind you.


                                Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                                Comment

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